Friday, March 2, 2007

NEW BEN CHATHAM ADVENTURE

Well, here it is, folks, the newest Ben Chatham story. It features the return of a classic villain and a stunning guest cast. Big Finish are interested:

Horror of The Pagans - A Ben Chatham adventure

Ben Chatham was having a shower while listening to Philip Glass when the phone rang. It was Harriet Jones, who tells Ben about unusually intelligent chavs. Wasting no time, Ben goes to bed so he'll be refreshed for the next day, and eventually sets off to investigate. On route he meets an old friend of his he once had a sexual relationship with (played by Joe Absolom), and together they get drunk. Eventually, they arrive at the scene of the crime, where Ben finds that the Garm plans to blow up the earth, for some reason. Ben takes his shirt off, revealing his smoothe chest

Ben leaps into action, and promptly complains about the colour of the wallpaper, which reminds his companion that the villains are killed by the colour orange. They throw an orange jelly baby at them, killing them and saving the day With the world finally safe, everybody gathers around Ben, and sings "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". Ben grins sheepishly, and sleeps with every male member of the cast.


Please, remember that this is only a first draft. Will post more after I go to the lavatory.

[*Disengaging Fish-man drive*]

Sorry, couldn't help myself when I found this little beauty. Weeeell, by 'found', I mean it was linked to by BernieFishnotes, who I think has well and truly over-taken me to earn the honour of Sparacanan Pisstaki Generalissimo.

If anyone has stumbled across this site from a muddled google search and has no idea what I'm talking about, I'm afraid there really is no translation available. But just look at the above story, and then compare it to the genuine article. Spot any differences? Neither did I!

Apologies about not updating the blog much recently. Will do so after I've had some port. Er, no, I didn't mean to say that...

5 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Jared, seriously, you're starting to scare me. And considering my current psychotic rage, that's something to worry about.

You'll get stuck in this form if you stay that way, Kamelion.

And, between you and me, I think Spara's serious about BF interest. I heard The Blue Tooth the other day and it was so much of a BC adventure, I could smell the absinthe...

THE BLUE TOOTH PART ONE
Liz Shaw ditches the Doctor to rush off to Cambridge and get drunk in the sun with a college pal never heard of before or since.

After a long, long, long time, Liz arrives at the house to find it deserted, ransacked and with a dead cat. She sobs in a sophisticated manner and calls the Doctor and UNIT to help her out while she recovers from this traumatic incident.

The Doctor, who was just passing, drops by and notices the same thing that ate the cat also ate the TV... TO BE CONTINUED...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Jared, seriously, you're starting to scare me. And considering my current psychotic rage, that's something to worry about.

You'll get stuck in this form if you stay that way, Kamelion.


I know, I know... BUT IT'S SO HARD TO RESIST!!

And, between you and me, I think Spara's serious about BF interest. I heard The Blue Tooth the other day and it was so much of a BC adventure, I could smell the absinthe...

Bloody hell! I was interested in the idea of a Liz Shaw audio but... gack! It sounds absolutely sickening!

Youth of Australia said...

I'm not being fair. I mean, if you can imagine that being written well, then yeah, it works.

And Pertwee versus the Cybermen works so fucking well, it really does. It's just the "trying to make Liz Shaw a human being" stuff that comes out like Chatham wank.

Don't worry, I downloaded it so you can judge it for free.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

So, how is Perter's involved into the narrative? Dodgy use of Pertwee sound-bites? Characters talking about what the Doctor is up to? Has he taken a vow of silence so communicates through sign language while Liz dully reads out every line he says just like in Speed 2?

Youth of Australia said...

It is a prose story read by Caroline John, voice of Liz Shaw.