Friday, March 23, 2007

Normal Transmission Resuming Shortly... in the Meantime Enjoy some V!

Yes. It's true. I haven't posted in 8 long years. Eight years in which you have been forsaken. Eight long years of an oppressive regime. But I vow to fight these injustices until my last dying breath. Or possibly even the breath after that.

In the meantime, however, this is a bit of a pseudo-entry... that is, I have just read some stuff that I find funny and have decided to post it here. Yeah, that old schtick.

Once again, this mirth ensues from IMDb, best know as the site where you get conversations like this:

(after someone asked about how The Man Who Sued God ended)

Fellow # 1: Steve said that he can't sue a God that led him to the woman he loves (the red head) by sinking his boat (that lead to the prosecution and the woman) so he withdraw his case and when he did... SHAZAM!!!

An austrelian parrot smashed into the glass vitrage (sp) window, flapped around the courtroom and landed on the judges "desk" as if speaking into the microphone to deliver god's statment
Priest1: "It's a miracle!"
Priest2: "It's an angel!"
Jerry the lawyer: "IT'S A FU*KING COCKADOO!!!"


Fellow #2: ITS A "COCKATOO" D*CK!


Fellow #1: That was fucking UNCALLED FOR!
In my country it's called a Cacadoo so excuse me for not interperting it correctly and by the book and being so vein to think that it's actually called a cockadoo and not a cockatoo. I'm sure they would crucify me in Austrelia for saying "Cockadoo", won't they?


Fellow #2:
ITS A "AUSTRALIA" D*CK!


Ah, sweet times. But it is not the heady intellectual sparrings of so many monkeys on so many typewriters that I wish to discuss. Instead, it is the handy service of movie FAQs on the IMDb site. Naturally, like everything else on the site, they are done by readers and visitors to the site. Now, a cynical person might suggest that the result would be lots of completely idiotic yet very smug people imparting knowledge they believe isn't apparent, but is in fact bleedingly obvious when watching the film. Such cynical people deserve credit for their excellent foresight.

V For Vendetta is an infamously complicated and nuanced film by Messrs Wachowski, and below you can see my own reactions to questions that are apparently "Frequently asked".

Who is the guy getting hanged in the beginning?

Gee, I can understand the confusion here. Natalie Portman's voice is pretty soft when she says the guys name in the opening voice over.


Is V Guy Fawkes?

Yep. He resurfaced after spending 500 years recovering from being hanged and having his body torn apart ritualistically. It was pretty rough.


What does Bollocks mean?

You see this webpage your own right now? Textbook example.


What's the movie V and Evey watch and what year was it made?

Ah, once again catering to those in the audience who don't listen to a thing the characters say. Why do these people even have to watch a movie when they can just read the Wikipedia synopsis afterwards?


What is the saying Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici on the mirror Evey is cleaning?

I'm certain most people who ask that question wouldn't phrase it exactly like that. And judging by the intended audience of the page, I think most people reading wouldn't have even noticed that V owned a mirror.


Why do V and Gordon both make the same breakfasts, say similiar phrases and have secret rooms? Are they related or something?

This is great logic: family relations can be traced through behaviour. I abuse people sarcastically, watch porn, and read blogs. Yes, I am one of the many cousins of Randall Graves from Clerks.


Was V like a superhero with super powers?

IMDb says: No. The injections they gave him at Larkhill had a side effect which gave him improved reflexes and agility and probably healing powers since he didn't burn to a crisp in the fire at Larkhill.

Jared says: Fucking obviously yes he is.

Your move, IMDb.


Was V Evey's father?

Yeah. That's why they wanted to sex one another. Think, people!


What is the building destroyed at the end?

A pub on the corner of Elephant and Castle named the Whiggershire Thrush. V hated it profuself because they once told him they were out of salt 'n vinegar pork scratchings when he knew for a fact they had a truckload delivered that day. See, he talked a good anarchy revolt, but it was really about petty personal vendettas.

In all honesty, though, if this is a frequently asked question there must be a hell of a lot of people just walking into rooms playing the DVD of V For Vendetta five minutes before the ending...


Is V gay?

Considering he survived a massive chemical fire with full-body burns, I think he mightn't have any genitals left. That would make him asexual, doncha think?

At any rate I'm glad this was asked. Certainly the most important question surrounding V's identity. Well, except maybe for...


Is V a woman?

Yeah. She's played by the fine Australian actress Hugella Weaving.


Is this movie just liberal propoganda to disparage President Bush?

If I say 'yes' will you move on and get a life?


Why wasn't Alan Moore credited as the original author?

This is the smugness I was talking about. Anyone who knows who Alan Moore is, knows exactly why he wasn't credited. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING SPECIAL!!!


Is Gordon gay?

No. I can honestly say that there's nothing unusual about full-blooded heterosexuals having hidden rooms in their basement covered in gay BDSM pr0n.

And besides, he's played by Stephen "Butch" Fry, for crying out loud!


Of course, all of these questions pale into insignificance next to the raison d`etre, the single most incisive and profound question asked of any film... (This is a cue to say I'll riff on this one for a while because it made me laugh)

What were the fingermen trying to do to Evey in the beginning?

"Finger" her, perhaps?

There are two major explanations for this subtle interplay. After all, the only slim hint we're given is the line: "If yours isn't the sorriest arse in London tomorrow morning - it'll definitely be the sorest!"

1. They wanted to invite her over for tea and raspberry scones, in theory, but were actually intending to show her endless slides of their holiday shots from Bermuda. She would both have been sorry for attending the whole dismal affair, and her arse would doubtless be sore after sitting in an unergonomic chair for three hours straight.

2. Having known of Evey previously, they wanted to take advantage of her pet full-size donkey, Ian, seeing as they needed to move to a flat in Chelsea, yet their car was currently in the garage the next day. Obviously the experience would be very harrowing for the 'ass' and leave it quite sore.

But, hang on, it seems a new theory has arrived, courtesy of the IMDb Think Tanks, churning out Idea Showers...

They were going to rape her until V showed up.

My word! Some people can read a sexual connotation into anything!

What I like is the inadvertent suggestion in the answer that they specifically planned to rape her until the time whereupon a masked homicidal maniac descended from the rooftops.

"Righto, mate, we should get some serious leg-over right now! We've got at least half an hour until the shadowy terrorist mastermind rocks up!"

(*V arrives*)

"Awww, fuck it, he's EARLY!"

3 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

"Considering he survived a massive chemical fire with full-body burns, I think he mightn't have any genitals left."

Is V Sharaz Jek?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Is V Sharaz Jek?

Well... he's a blatant Phantom of the Opera rip-off living in a dystopic wartorn future...

So yes.

Just without the killer robots.

Youth of Australia said...

I KNEW IT!!!

Course, V must be very popular. 51st century clockwork robots have cemmorative masks and everything.