Friday, July 27, 2007

While I'm talking about Doctor Who...

Here's something I thought up after Keith Topping's great blog post (which I can't directly link to but can be found at keithtopping.blogspot.com if you scroll down... see, I'm pretending people read this site again! Isn't it fun!) and in my typical manner, I decided I'd wait until it lost all relevance to post it. In all seriousness I can tell you to expect similar coverage of The Great Global Warming Swindle, which was a comedy goldmine. If only I could write faster...

Anyhoo, carrying on the idea of THE DOCTOR WHO FAN PHRASEBOOK, I present the more spiteful and less gentle ONE-SIDED ANTI-COLIN BAKER ERA SHOUTING MATCH PHRASEBOOK, which should be handy to anyone daring to like the curly-haired one on OG.


By no means am I saying that the entire era was at fault...

Cor, that Nicola Bryant was a bit of alright, eh?


You can't blame Colin Baker's performance on the scripts. Indeed, some of his episodes were of a high standard.

I like Sil.


Please, don't bring up the BF audios. They are completely irrelevant to this discussion and not canon.

No fair! I've had this argument for decades! Exhibits A-Z23, all fully documented! You'll only spoil it by bringing in new stuff...


The 80s designs hit a new low...

Yeah, well, they were allowed to have cardboard sets back in the 60s because nobody knew how to make TV back then, obviously. But JNT has no excuse. Apart from slashed budgets and inflation.


The idea of Michael Grade having a grudge against Colin Baker is completely absurd!

Okay, yes, I'm fully prepared to accept, and to say, that absolutely everyone in the Doctor Who production office at the time was at each others throats non-stop, barely having time to even think about working on a TV show, but the idea of there being any behaviour like that elsewhere in the BBC is completely ridiculous.


It's easy for you to make these sorts of arguments. You were not there at the time. You did not see how the show lost all credibility with the general public at the time.

They teased me at school when I showed up with my TARDIS lunchbox. I tried to pass it off as a piece of Dixon of Dock Green merchandising, but they still stole my sandwiches. COLIN BAKER MADE THEM BEAT ME UP!!!


Eric Saward's ending to Trial of a Timelord is vastly superior to Pip 'n Janes' atrocity.

What are you looking at me like that for? Of course I read it. Well, maybe not quite the whole thing. But I read most of it. Well, maybe not most of it, but I saw the important bits. Well, the very end. Well, maybe not 'read it' as such but someone described it to me. And before you start quizzing me on the details I can't really recall them too well, but I remember thinking 'Oh, that's better'. So there.

... I hate Pip 'n Jane.


The show suffered tremendously under JNT and his obsession with marketing the show.

If only JNT had shown the marked restraint of Russell T. Davies in letting the show find it's own audience and not saturating the public with publicity material and behind-the-scenes information, the show might have been the juggernaut success that it is now.


The ratings figures clearly show the audience dropping off radically in response to Colin Baker's Doctor.

Yes, yes, you can say all sorts of things like "They're just the same as Davison's figures", just because they happen to be the same numbers, but that was an entirely different context. Besides, Davison's figures were slumping already. Sigh, nevermind, when I said 'clearly' I guess I meant for someone of the genius of myself, rather than a moron like you. Don't respond or I'll have to bring out the AI figures.


JNT only hired Colin because he thought he was hot.

Hey, come on, it isn't libel if they're dead, is it?


How do you talk sense into the ravenous Colin-haters who spout the garbage listed above? Erm, you don't, really. Just run when you hear any of these. And then hide behind a tree and either laugh or cry at the depths of their frustration. Preferrably while listening to a BF audio adventure. I recommend -Ish and Doctor Who and the Pirates. Cracking good stuff.

Monday, July 23, 2007

I finally did it...

I watched Resurrection of the Daleks. Well, the first episode. It was late at night - or early in the morning - using YouTube on my mate's computer, and we weren't pissed. Seriously, if we had actually succeeded in our epic quest to find alcohol in Wyong at midnight whilst snubbing an old school 'friend' who seemed to have created an uber-stockpile of booze and techno, the viewing could have been far more successful. The absurd and unconvincing would have become hilarious. Instead, my mind was focused on how little sense the story made, and judging by my mate's glazed-eyed visage, he felt much the same.

My only experience of the story so far, is Ewen Campion Clarke's version, which actually turned out to be instrumental in following the plot (such as it was)

Anyway, how best to convey my reactions to the incomprehnsible mess of Eric Saward's semen that struck me during that horrible, oh-so-sobre stupor? By recounting the episode in incredible detail

1. LONDON

(Lots of DUDES IN WEIRD JACKETS run out of a warehouse. COPS come out and shoot them. And some RANDOM. LYTTON also shows up)

LYTTON: I love the smell of gratuitous violence in the morning. TELEPORT!


2. SPACESHIP

(Lytton appears out of nowhere)

LYTTON: They shouldn't have been killed!

GUY: My bad.

LYTTON: Yes. YOU BAD!


3. LONDON WAREHOUSE

(GALLOWAY and STIEN, also wearing WEIRD JACKETS are in an alleyway)

GALLOWAY: Unlike those other fellows, we are alive.

STIEN: And innocent.

GALLOWAY: What say instead of running away from the place where people trying to kill us came from, we go back in?

STIEN: Sounds cool.


4. TARDIS

(The usual)

THE DOCTOR: AAAARGH! TARDIS FUCKING UP!

TURLOUGH: Shit.

TEGAN: Shit.


5. ANOTHER SPACESHIP

(Various PEOPLE OF LITTLE INTEREST)

MERCER: This spaceship is lame.

STYLES: Tell someone who cares.

MERCER: How about the captain?

STYLES: Nope.

MERCER: Damn. But, seriously, what would happen if someone attacked?

STYLES: In the first place, I am the sole white person among a crew of ethnic minorities, so logically I will be the last to die. Also, an attack here would never, ever happen. Ever. In a billion years. Cross my heart and hope to die on it.

MERCER: Well, if you say so...


6. THE OTHER SPACESHIP

LYTTON: When are we attacking that prison ship again?

GUY: About 2 minutes.


7. WAREHOUSE

GALLOWAY: Corridors, corridors, corridors. I swear I've never know a warehouse to have so many tiny, enclosed spaces.

STIEN: Maybe there's something interesting in that one.

GALLOWAY: Hmm...

(Galloway goes through doorway)

GUN: Bang!

GALLOWAY: Oh no, I am now dead!

STIEN: Guess I'd better wander around listlessly...


8. TARDIS

THE DOCTOR: AAAAARGH! TARDIS STILL FUCKING UP!

TEGAN: Shit.

TURLOUGH: Shit.


9. THE SECOND SPACESHIP

ZENA: Spaceship. Out thee.

MERCER: Tell the captain!

STYLES: Are you kidding? This cast has far too many characters introduced solely to be killed off.

MERCER: Fine, fine. Attack them or something.

ZENA: Okay.

(Pause)

ZENA: It did not work!

SOME GUY: Hey, the captain's dead!

STYLES: Maybe they just should have made me the captain and save on needless exposition.

MERCER: Close the airlocks. If they come in, we kill THE PRISONER!!!


10. WAREHOUSEY WAREHOUSE SCENES

(Stien, to his horror, sees THE BLUE STATION-WAGON OF DEATH! He runs away in terror.)


11. SPACESHIP THAT IS UNDER ATTACK AS OPPOSED TO THE SPACESHIP DOING THE ATTACKING'S AIRLOCK

MERCER: Remember to shoot them.

CREW: We can do that.

(The DALEKS enter!)

DALEKS: Exterminate!

(The Daleks get their arses kicked!)

DALEKS: Retreat! Retreat!

MERCER: Man, they must be the suckiest monsters ever.


12. THE OTHER SHIP

LYTTON: You guys suck so much I can't believe you ever became a popular sci-fi icon!

SUPREME DALEK: If you're so good then why don't YOU kill them all?

LYTTON: Yeah, that's what I was planning to do, n00b.

SUPREME DALEK: ...I hate you.


13. TARDIS

THE DOCTOR: ARRRRRGH! TARDIS... no, wait... it's working!

TURLOUGH: We're on Earth.


14. LONDON WAREHOUSES

(The Doctor steps out of the TARDIS, with Tegan and Turlough following)

THE DOCTOR: I like warehouses.

TURLOUGH: I like adjusting my tie and looking shifty.

TEGAN: Doctor, we don't have time for character stuff.

THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I know. I have to find the timey-wimey thing that screwed the TARDIS up like it was a Vietnamese whore, but I don't have to enjoy it. Oh, lets see what can go wrong? I know, maybe as soon as I open this door I come face-to-face with a hideous alien!

(The Doctor opens the door. Stien comes out)

STIEN: There are soldiers in there!!!!

THE DOCTOR: ...and?

STIEN: ...well, I thought it was impressive.


15. PRISON SHIP AIRLOCK

CORP. LASERFODDER: I hope those nancy-boy robots come back so we can shoot them up again.

MERCER: Yeah, that was fun. At first glance I found them intimidating, but they really have lost all credibility in my eyes...

POISON GASES: Hello!

CREW: *Glargle*

LYTTON: Haha!

(Everyone runs away)


16. WAREHOUSE LAND

(The Doctor meets up with THE FACELESS SOLDIERS and their SCIENTIFICALLY-TRAINED PIECE OF ALRIGHT)

THE DOCTOR: Hello.

COLONEL STERNBOTTOM: Who the ruddy hell are you and why shouldn't I blast you on sight you floridly-dressed homosexual?

DR CUTESPECS: Oh, come on, sir, can't we tell them absolutely everything? They've guessed most of it already.

COLONEL STERNBOTTOM: Very well. Would you like to borrow my gun, sir?

THE DOCTOR: ...what?!


17. DALEK SHIP

TURLOUGH: Haha, I am now in space. And shiftier than ever.


18. PRISON SHIP BRIG

(Mercer and Zena in the room)

MERCER: Man, this couldn't be easier. All we have to do is press this button to kill the prisoner. *Sniff* Hey, what's that smell?

ZENA: I don't know. *Sniff* Kind of meaty. Fleshy? Facey, even. But kind of acidy..

MERCER: *Sniff* You know, if I didn't know better I'd say that it smells like my skin being eaten away by acid. (Looks at hands) Shi-

ZENA'S GUN: BANG!

(The door is blaster open, Lytton comes in)

LYTTON: Heeeeere's Gustave!

LYTTON'S GUN: Bang!

LYTTON: And now, I press THE OTHER BUTTON, to release DAVROS!! A shocking revelation for those of you not smart enough to just look through the glass.

DAVROS: Okay, someone's really going to have to fill me in on what the hell is going on...


19. LONDINIUM HOUSE-OF-WHARES

THE DOCTOR: My attention is wandering...

DALEK: Hello!

THE DOCTOR: AAAAAARGH!

THE END


In all honesty, has there ever been a less comprehensible episode of Doctor Who? I mean, I enjoy episodes where you have to use your brain a little (hence my Warrior's Gate love), but this is just ridiculous. There's nothing fun about watching 25 different characters, most of whose names you don't know (I've read reviews, that's how I know most of them) and some of which are appalling actors (which is bound to happen when you need so many to fill up the frickin' cast!)

Also, though, big shout-out to YouTube, for saving me from having to pay for the DVD of this crap...