Monday, July 23, 2007

I finally did it...

I watched Resurrection of the Daleks. Well, the first episode. It was late at night - or early in the morning - using YouTube on my mate's computer, and we weren't pissed. Seriously, if we had actually succeeded in our epic quest to find alcohol in Wyong at midnight whilst snubbing an old school 'friend' who seemed to have created an uber-stockpile of booze and techno, the viewing could have been far more successful. The absurd and unconvincing would have become hilarious. Instead, my mind was focused on how little sense the story made, and judging by my mate's glazed-eyed visage, he felt much the same.

My only experience of the story so far, is Ewen Campion Clarke's version, which actually turned out to be instrumental in following the plot (such as it was)

Anyway, how best to convey my reactions to the incomprehnsible mess of Eric Saward's semen that struck me during that horrible, oh-so-sobre stupor? By recounting the episode in incredible detail

1. LONDON

(Lots of DUDES IN WEIRD JACKETS run out of a warehouse. COPS come out and shoot them. And some RANDOM. LYTTON also shows up)

LYTTON: I love the smell of gratuitous violence in the morning. TELEPORT!


2. SPACESHIP

(Lytton appears out of nowhere)

LYTTON: They shouldn't have been killed!

GUY: My bad.

LYTTON: Yes. YOU BAD!


3. LONDON WAREHOUSE

(GALLOWAY and STIEN, also wearing WEIRD JACKETS are in an alleyway)

GALLOWAY: Unlike those other fellows, we are alive.

STIEN: And innocent.

GALLOWAY: What say instead of running away from the place where people trying to kill us came from, we go back in?

STIEN: Sounds cool.


4. TARDIS

(The usual)

THE DOCTOR: AAAARGH! TARDIS FUCKING UP!

TURLOUGH: Shit.

TEGAN: Shit.


5. ANOTHER SPACESHIP

(Various PEOPLE OF LITTLE INTEREST)

MERCER: This spaceship is lame.

STYLES: Tell someone who cares.

MERCER: How about the captain?

STYLES: Nope.

MERCER: Damn. But, seriously, what would happen if someone attacked?

STYLES: In the first place, I am the sole white person among a crew of ethnic minorities, so logically I will be the last to die. Also, an attack here would never, ever happen. Ever. In a billion years. Cross my heart and hope to die on it.

MERCER: Well, if you say so...


6. THE OTHER SPACESHIP

LYTTON: When are we attacking that prison ship again?

GUY: About 2 minutes.


7. WAREHOUSE

GALLOWAY: Corridors, corridors, corridors. I swear I've never know a warehouse to have so many tiny, enclosed spaces.

STIEN: Maybe there's something interesting in that one.

GALLOWAY: Hmm...

(Galloway goes through doorway)

GUN: Bang!

GALLOWAY: Oh no, I am now dead!

STIEN: Guess I'd better wander around listlessly...


8. TARDIS

THE DOCTOR: AAAAARGH! TARDIS STILL FUCKING UP!

TEGAN: Shit.

TURLOUGH: Shit.


9. THE SECOND SPACESHIP

ZENA: Spaceship. Out thee.

MERCER: Tell the captain!

STYLES: Are you kidding? This cast has far too many characters introduced solely to be killed off.

MERCER: Fine, fine. Attack them or something.

ZENA: Okay.

(Pause)

ZENA: It did not work!

SOME GUY: Hey, the captain's dead!

STYLES: Maybe they just should have made me the captain and save on needless exposition.

MERCER: Close the airlocks. If they come in, we kill THE PRISONER!!!


10. WAREHOUSEY WAREHOUSE SCENES

(Stien, to his horror, sees THE BLUE STATION-WAGON OF DEATH! He runs away in terror.)


11. SPACESHIP THAT IS UNDER ATTACK AS OPPOSED TO THE SPACESHIP DOING THE ATTACKING'S AIRLOCK

MERCER: Remember to shoot them.

CREW: We can do that.

(The DALEKS enter!)

DALEKS: Exterminate!

(The Daleks get their arses kicked!)

DALEKS: Retreat! Retreat!

MERCER: Man, they must be the suckiest monsters ever.


12. THE OTHER SHIP

LYTTON: You guys suck so much I can't believe you ever became a popular sci-fi icon!

SUPREME DALEK: If you're so good then why don't YOU kill them all?

LYTTON: Yeah, that's what I was planning to do, n00b.

SUPREME DALEK: ...I hate you.


13. TARDIS

THE DOCTOR: ARRRRRGH! TARDIS... no, wait... it's working!

TURLOUGH: We're on Earth.


14. LONDON WAREHOUSES

(The Doctor steps out of the TARDIS, with Tegan and Turlough following)

THE DOCTOR: I like warehouses.

TURLOUGH: I like adjusting my tie and looking shifty.

TEGAN: Doctor, we don't have time for character stuff.

THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I know. I have to find the timey-wimey thing that screwed the TARDIS up like it was a Vietnamese whore, but I don't have to enjoy it. Oh, lets see what can go wrong? I know, maybe as soon as I open this door I come face-to-face with a hideous alien!

(The Doctor opens the door. Stien comes out)

STIEN: There are soldiers in there!!!!

THE DOCTOR: ...and?

STIEN: ...well, I thought it was impressive.


15. PRISON SHIP AIRLOCK

CORP. LASERFODDER: I hope those nancy-boy robots come back so we can shoot them up again.

MERCER: Yeah, that was fun. At first glance I found them intimidating, but they really have lost all credibility in my eyes...

POISON GASES: Hello!

CREW: *Glargle*

LYTTON: Haha!

(Everyone runs away)


16. WAREHOUSE LAND

(The Doctor meets up with THE FACELESS SOLDIERS and their SCIENTIFICALLY-TRAINED PIECE OF ALRIGHT)

THE DOCTOR: Hello.

COLONEL STERNBOTTOM: Who the ruddy hell are you and why shouldn't I blast you on sight you floridly-dressed homosexual?

DR CUTESPECS: Oh, come on, sir, can't we tell them absolutely everything? They've guessed most of it already.

COLONEL STERNBOTTOM: Very well. Would you like to borrow my gun, sir?

THE DOCTOR: ...what?!


17. DALEK SHIP

TURLOUGH: Haha, I am now in space. And shiftier than ever.


18. PRISON SHIP BRIG

(Mercer and Zena in the room)

MERCER: Man, this couldn't be easier. All we have to do is press this button to kill the prisoner. *Sniff* Hey, what's that smell?

ZENA: I don't know. *Sniff* Kind of meaty. Fleshy? Facey, even. But kind of acidy..

MERCER: *Sniff* You know, if I didn't know better I'd say that it smells like my skin being eaten away by acid. (Looks at hands) Shi-

ZENA'S GUN: BANG!

(The door is blaster open, Lytton comes in)

LYTTON: Heeeeere's Gustave!

LYTTON'S GUN: Bang!

LYTTON: And now, I press THE OTHER BUTTON, to release DAVROS!! A shocking revelation for those of you not smart enough to just look through the glass.

DAVROS: Okay, someone's really going to have to fill me in on what the hell is going on...


19. LONDINIUM HOUSE-OF-WHARES

THE DOCTOR: My attention is wandering...

DALEK: Hello!

THE DOCTOR: AAAAAARGH!

THE END


In all honesty, has there ever been a less comprehensible episode of Doctor Who? I mean, I enjoy episodes where you have to use your brain a little (hence my Warrior's Gate love), but this is just ridiculous. There's nothing fun about watching 25 different characters, most of whose names you don't know (I've read reviews, that's how I know most of them) and some of which are appalling actors (which is bound to happen when you need so many to fill up the frickin' cast!)

Also, though, big shout-out to YouTube, for saving me from having to pay for the DVD of this crap...

5 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

You are a freaking genius beyond all superlative capacity.

I feel duty bound to point out it was Osborne and Phin (Boring Guy and Uhura) who get their faces melted off rather than Mercer and Zena (The Non Smoker and Styles' Hot Assistant).

But I don't think you emphasized just how much the story wants you to think the Daleks, Davros, and just about anything non-Lytton is a waste of your life.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I feel duty bound to point out it was Osborne and Phin (Boring Guy and Uhura) who get their faces melted off rather than Mercer and Zena (The Non Smoker and Styles' Hot Assistant).

Yeah, I had a feeling you'd make a correction like that.

To be honest, I had real trouble telling apart the crew of the prison ship... and I say that in a completely non-racist way, may I add. They just were irritating, anonymous characters who spoke in flat monotones and blended into the background. I assumed that you added a few extra characters into the crew.

But I don't think you emphasized just how much the story wants you to think the Daleks, Davros, and just about anything non-Lytton is a waste of your life.

If I see the rest of it, you might get more of that. I tried to get a bit of that across in the jaw-dropping bit where the Daleks get completely owned and need Lytton to sort everything out for them. I mean, WHAT THE HELL?!

Youth of Australia said...

Yeah, I had a feeling you'd make a correction like that.
Well, since you only know Zena's name coz of me, I had to do it. I quite like her character, and both lines of dialogue she gets to say...

Should I have kept the flesh eating virus? I always thought it was dumb to have TWO lethal gas viruses in the same story...

To be honest, I had real trouble telling apart the crew of the prison ship... and I say that in a completely non-racist way, may I add.
Right there with you buddy. I mean, look at the reviews... who DOES know who they are?

They just were irritating, anonymous characters who spoke in flat monotones and blended into the background.
Especially Phin. Talk about gormless... I keep imagining Adrian Edmonson trying to be snob when he says, "Detectors report we're being scanned sir. Would you like a port with your fruitcake, madam?"

I assumed that you added a few extra characters into the crew.
Just Captain Dorian, and I named the rest. And you know, gave them personality by making Phin and Mercer friends at Uni, made Osbourn a total drunken slut, and made Zena a temporary companion whose death makes the Doctor hate Lytton forever and ever and ever.

Nothing major.

If I see the rest of it, you might get more of that. I tried to get a bit of that across in the jaw-dropping bit where the Daleks get completely owned and need Lytton to sort everything out for them. I mean, WHAT THE HELL?!
The worst bit, though, is when Terry Nation turns up and screams exactly the same thing and Sweet Old Eric goes, "Fine? You want them to conquer the fucking universe, well, have them conquer the fucking universe!" And so the second half of them shows the Daleks, despite being so monumentally screwed, have a list of 'to do' things that would cause the Cult of Skaro to get a migraine...

Ah, Saward. :)

You raped my fucking childhood, and one day, I will get payback.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, since you only know Zena's name coz of me, I had to do it. I quite like her character, and both lines of dialogue she gets to say...

Ah, right, it was one of THOSE characters..

Should I have kept the flesh eating virus? I always thought it was dumb to have TWO lethal gas viruses in the same story...

...well, to be honest I can't remember all the details of Warhead. It's a while since I've read it and a very complex story...

Right there with you buddy. I mean, look at the reviews... who DOES know who they are?

Well... you?

The worst bit, though, is when Terry Nation turns up and screams exactly the same thing and Sweet Old Eric goes, "Fine? You want them to conquer the fucking universe, well, have them conquer the fucking universe!" And so the second half of them shows the Daleks, despite being so monumentally screwed, have a list of 'to do' things that would cause the Cult of Skaro to get a migraine...

Ah, Eric. To quote Doug Anderson "he could take lessons in humility from Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley"

You raped my fucking childhood, and one day, I will get payback.

Hmm, ominous...

Can we expect a story where the Terileptils are trashed coming soon?

Youth of Australia said...

Ah, right, it was one of THOSE characters..
Yeah. She gets to speak in part three.

...well, to be honest I can't remember all the details of Warhead. It's a while since I've read it and a very complex story...
Dude, what did I have to work with?

Well... you?
I'm special. I've got the novelization, the archive, the Kaldor City articles, the Fifth Doctor special edition, and an overactive imagination.

The rest of you? You're normal.

Ah, Eric. To quote Doug Anderson "he could take lessons in humility from Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley"
He COULD. But he won't.

Hmm, ominous...
Can we expect a story where the Terileptils are trashed coming soon?

Saward beat to it. His Slipback novelization shows them to be a bunch of boring filing clerks with stupid names not even being worthy of being dubbed "monster". One of them hits on Peri...

Saward, the bastard, beats me at every turn...