Friday, July 27, 2007

While I'm talking about Doctor Who...

Here's something I thought up after Keith Topping's great blog post (which I can't directly link to but can be found at keithtopping.blogspot.com if you scroll down... see, I'm pretending people read this site again! Isn't it fun!) and in my typical manner, I decided I'd wait until it lost all relevance to post it. In all seriousness I can tell you to expect similar coverage of The Great Global Warming Swindle, which was a comedy goldmine. If only I could write faster...

Anyhoo, carrying on the idea of THE DOCTOR WHO FAN PHRASEBOOK, I present the more spiteful and less gentle ONE-SIDED ANTI-COLIN BAKER ERA SHOUTING MATCH PHRASEBOOK, which should be handy to anyone daring to like the curly-haired one on OG.


By no means am I saying that the entire era was at fault...

Cor, that Nicola Bryant was a bit of alright, eh?


You can't blame Colin Baker's performance on the scripts. Indeed, some of his episodes were of a high standard.

I like Sil.


Please, don't bring up the BF audios. They are completely irrelevant to this discussion and not canon.

No fair! I've had this argument for decades! Exhibits A-Z23, all fully documented! You'll only spoil it by bringing in new stuff...


The 80s designs hit a new low...

Yeah, well, they were allowed to have cardboard sets back in the 60s because nobody knew how to make TV back then, obviously. But JNT has no excuse. Apart from slashed budgets and inflation.


The idea of Michael Grade having a grudge against Colin Baker is completely absurd!

Okay, yes, I'm fully prepared to accept, and to say, that absolutely everyone in the Doctor Who production office at the time was at each others throats non-stop, barely having time to even think about working on a TV show, but the idea of there being any behaviour like that elsewhere in the BBC is completely ridiculous.


It's easy for you to make these sorts of arguments. You were not there at the time. You did not see how the show lost all credibility with the general public at the time.

They teased me at school when I showed up with my TARDIS lunchbox. I tried to pass it off as a piece of Dixon of Dock Green merchandising, but they still stole my sandwiches. COLIN BAKER MADE THEM BEAT ME UP!!!


Eric Saward's ending to Trial of a Timelord is vastly superior to Pip 'n Janes' atrocity.

What are you looking at me like that for? Of course I read it. Well, maybe not quite the whole thing. But I read most of it. Well, maybe not most of it, but I saw the important bits. Well, the very end. Well, maybe not 'read it' as such but someone described it to me. And before you start quizzing me on the details I can't really recall them too well, but I remember thinking 'Oh, that's better'. So there.

... I hate Pip 'n Jane.


The show suffered tremendously under JNT and his obsession with marketing the show.

If only JNT had shown the marked restraint of Russell T. Davies in letting the show find it's own audience and not saturating the public with publicity material and behind-the-scenes information, the show might have been the juggernaut success that it is now.


The ratings figures clearly show the audience dropping off radically in response to Colin Baker's Doctor.

Yes, yes, you can say all sorts of things like "They're just the same as Davison's figures", just because they happen to be the same numbers, but that was an entirely different context. Besides, Davison's figures were slumping already. Sigh, nevermind, when I said 'clearly' I guess I meant for someone of the genius of myself, rather than a moron like you. Don't respond or I'll have to bring out the AI figures.


JNT only hired Colin because he thought he was hot.

Hey, come on, it isn't libel if they're dead, is it?


How do you talk sense into the ravenous Colin-haters who spout the garbage listed above? Erm, you don't, really. Just run when you hear any of these. And then hide behind a tree and either laugh or cry at the depths of their frustration. Preferrably while listening to a BF audio adventure. I recommend -Ish and Doctor Who and the Pirates. Cracking good stuff.

2 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Brilliant as ever.

Please, don't bring up the BF audios. They are completely irrelevant to this discussion and not canon.
YOA says: I find your testicles irrelevant to this discussion and not canon. I shall ensure you never bring them up again...

Eric Saward's ending to Trial of a Timelord is vastly superior to Pip 'n Janes' atrocity.

YOA says: GET FUCKED! I read it, and all until the last three minutes is entirely interchangeable!

Pip and Jane
a) made the Doctor a hero
b) made the Valeyard a villain
c) gave the Master something to do
d) gave Mel and Glitz something to do
e) explained some of the plot
f) had a dinosaur
g) wrote an ENDING, not a cliffhanger.

The face they came up with that when they were literally writing blind shows at the very least they gave a crap more than Eric "Fuck You, JNT, This IS the Final Draft" Saward.

JNT only hired Colin because he thought he was hot.
I wonder what Garry Downie had to say about that?

I now have disturbing images of Sylvester McCoy arriving for his audition naked sans hat while JNT plays some smooth jazz and goes, "Giggity-giggity-goo!"

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...


YOA says: GET FUCKED! I read it, and all until the last three minutes is entirely interchangeable!


Yeah, I know. Hence my inference that whoever says that is either

a) Completely mad
or
b) Knows nothing about the Saward ending, preferring to just crib their own 'opinions' from Saward's own interviews or other loonies

It is very depressing how many times I read some of those sentences...