I am going to listen to all of The Next Life. Well, the entirety save the couple of minutes in episode one I possibly skipped over, but I'm not sure. See, I forgot where I was so just clicked on a random thing on the bar in Windows Media Player for Episode One. I could have missed about ten minutes, but so little happens in that episode I have no way of knowing...
Why am I doing this? Because, well, this can only give me a deeper understanding of just how bad DW can be. It redefines crap. So if I can understand this, I should be able to follow a perfectly parallel but opposite equation to create awesome Doctor Who... I dunno. I just hate giving up on stuff.
But I have to honestly say, I never thought a story could ever sound so much like it was deliberately trying to sound bad. It opens with the single-worst TARDIS console scene ever. The Doctor's an idiot, his companions make tons of crap jokes, and then it blows up. The rest of the episode is spent with C'rizz, talking to his amazingly monotonous bride-to-be in what's obviously a dream sequence thing, where the discussion consists mostly of "C'rizz, you're crazy!" and "No I'm not, woman!", and Charlie going back to that fucking air base from Zagreus again and meeting a pilot, advancing forward 10 years, and meeting him again. WHY?! He doesn't even say anything vaguely interesting! And it sounds so lame! "Hang on, I know that voice..." Erm, yes, it's the exact same guy you were talking to less than a minute ago.
The episode finally draws to a close with
"Contrary to all appearances, your daughter's mind is completely under my control!" Yeah, good for you.
Episode two starts with everyone's most favourite thing... exposition repeated painfully, because the characters are split up. C'rizz's tart spills the beans "You could say that I am... your subconscious" YES! Charlie's mum just said that! C'rizz peevishly points out that he figured that out at the start of the last episode and has repeatedly theorised on that point, and works out that
And it's complete crap. The Doctor is one a beach, making terrible jokes at Hermit crabs. "I can't see my Man Friday... or Saturday or Sunday for that matter. Not even a Wet Wednesday...", "You're on a sea-food diet, aren't you? You see food and you eat it...", "Argh! Don't be shellfish!" If they dared do this scene in the New Series the BBC would get fire-bombed.
Aaaand that's enough of the Doctor. Maybe I'll hear from him again in another hour or so. More of
As I said, this story redefines crap. And I've got over 2 hours to go...