Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I have set myself a mighty challenge...

Yes, the gauntlet has been thrown at myself... by myself. I guess I just threw it up into the air. And it landed on me. But the important thing is that it has been thrown, and I am not going to back down. Maybe it's insane hubris, but I swear I will do it...

I am going to listen to all of The Next Life. Well, the entirety save the couple of minutes in episode one I possibly skipped over, but I'm not sure. See, I forgot where I was so just clicked on a random thing on the bar in Windows Media Player for Episode One. I could have missed about ten minutes, but so little happens in that episode I have no way of knowing...

Why am I doing this? Because, well, this can only give me a deeper understanding of just how bad DW can be. It redefines crap. So if I can understand this, I should be able to follow a perfectly parallel but opposite equation to create awesome Doctor Who... I dunno. I just hate giving up on stuff.

But I have to honestly say, I never thought a story could ever sound so much like it was deliberately trying to sound bad. It opens with the single-worst TARDIS console scene ever. The Doctor's an idiot, his companions make tons of crap jokes, and then it blows up. The rest of the episode is spent with C'rizz, talking to his amazingly monotonous bride-to-be in what's obviously a dream sequence thing, where the discussion consists mostly of "C'rizz, you're crazy!" and "No I'm not, woman!", and Charlie going back to that fucking air base from Zagreus again and meeting a pilot, advancing forward 10 years, and meeting him again. WHY?! He doesn't even say anything vaguely interesting! And it sounds so lame! "Hang on, I know that voice..." Erm, yes, it's the exact same guy you were talking to less than a minute ago.

The episode finally draws to a close with Nick Briggs pissing himself laughing while Don Warrington walks in and announces that in case there was any doubt that Zagreus was the most pointless three hours ever, the writers have decided to bring him back from apparent death. Again. He also demonstrates that his previous story has by no means a monopoly on shithouse dialogue - "In this space and... space." Hang on, this guy's meant to be the wisest Time Lord who ever lived, and he can't string a sentence together. I am officially not impressed.

"Contrary to all appearances, your daughter's mind is completely under my control!" Yeah, good for you.

Episode two starts with everyone's most favourite thing... exposition repeated painfully, because the characters are split up. C'rizz's tart spills the beans "You could say that I am... your subconscious" YES! Charlie's mum just said that! C'rizz peevishly points out that he figured that out at the start of the last episode and has repeatedly theorised on that point, and works out that Nick Briggs is behind all of this crap. Nick Briggs then materialises, again pissing himself laughing, apparently over-joyed at the fact that his ploy is so fucking transparent that C'rizz can work it out with minimal effort. After a casual mention in the dialogue, C'rizz actually remembers that the Doctor exists, and we get the first scene with the Doctor for nearly forty minutes.

And it's complete crap. The Doctor is one a beach, making terrible jokes at Hermit crabs. "I can't see my Man Friday... or Saturday or Sunday for that matter. Not even a Wet Wednesday...", "You're on a sea-food diet, aren't you? You see food and you eat it...", "Argh! Don't be shellfish!" If they dared do this scene in the New Series the BBC would get fire-bombed.

Aaaand that's enough of the Doctor. Maybe I'll hear from him again in another hour or so. More of Nick Briggs gloating over absolutely nothing to C'rizz. I stopped listening at the very appropriate line "Oh, go away Kro'ka, leave me alone!" which were very much my own sentiments.

As I said, this story redefines crap. And I've got over 2 hours to go...

10 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

You do know Nick Briggs was nowhere near Big Finish when this atrocity was made? He was too busy doing naked cartwheels after RTD let him be the new series?

Ah, The Next Life. I got it for my birthday. Not as a present, I had to go out and buy it. And as I listened to it, I rapidly began to worry more about the CD player's batteries rather than the plot.

That first TARDIS scene... it was embarassing and I was the only one who could hear it.

And by the time episode two rolled around, I was in a pub somewhere, sipping orange juice and idly wondering about the Dalek cameo in the last thirty seconds.

On the goodside, this was NOT the very last Eighth Doctor adventure. Because, it would be VERY depressing. But what's really annoying is that the Divergent Arc was mostly made up of illusions, hypnosis and dream sequences, so expecting us to be impressed with the first two episodes...

Someone wasn't right in the head.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

You do know Nick Briggs was nowhere near Big Finish when this atrocity was made?

That serves me right for taking your alternate programme guide as gospel...

On the goodside, this was NOT the very last Eighth Doctor adventure. Because, it would be VERY depressing.

As depressing as every piece of C'rizz, Charlie and Rassilons' dialogue?

"There's the island. The Doctor is... thattaway. Catch me if you can."

"You think you're so... big. But I know you. You've got 'villain' stamped all the way through. Like a piece of Blackpool rock!"

"Better an honest villain than a counterfeit hero.."

It really puts the claims that 'Five Doctors' destroyed the image of Rassilon into perspective..

But what's really annoying is that the Divergent Arc was mostly made up of illusions, hypnosis and dream sequences, so expecting us to be impressed with the first two episodes...

Someone wasn't right in the head.


THAT's exactly what got me - it's just like Zagreus but without much less clever and interesting. And the cliffhangers!

Rassilon speaks amazingly cliched badguy dialogue. ZZZZEOW!

The Doctor is accused of a murder for the five billionth time. ZZZEOW!

Thank Christ Paul Darrow is in this..

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

WHAT THE FUCK?! The THIRD cliffhanger is basically Paul Darrow saying "It's good to see you"!!!

WAS ANYONE THINKING AT ALL WHEN THEY WROTE THIS?!?

Youth of Australia said...

That serves me right for taking your alternate programme guide as gospel...
If you had, you would have not had Rassilon in it...

As depressing as every piece of C'rizz, Charlie and Rassilons' dialogue?
"There's the island. The Doctor is... thattaway. Catch me if you can."
"You think you're so... big. But I know you. You've got 'villain' stamped all the way through. Like a piece of Blackpool rock!"
"Better an honest villain than a counterfeit hero.."

Oh, Jesus, I can feel my soul withering...

It really puts the claims that 'Five Doctors' destroyed the image of Rassilon into perspective..
Yet... Don Warrington... as Rassilon... as the villain... HOW COULD THEY SCREW UP SUCH BRILLIANT INGREDIENTS?

That was rhetoric.

THAT's exactly what got me - it's just like Zagreus but without much less clever and interesting.
Imagine two seasons of that inbetween and try to be impressed.

And the cliffhangers!
Rassilon speaks amazingly cliched badguy dialogue. ZZZZEOW!

And it's not like "ooh! Rassilon's in it" because a) he's on the cover b) he made a much better surprise appearance in Caerdroia AKA The Three Eighth Doctors (I should have given you that)

The Doctor is accused of a murder for the five billionth time. ZZZEOW!
This is supposed to be the big pay off story as well...

Thank Christ Paul Darrow is in this..
He walks into the story, then runs out of it as quick as he can...

A waste. A terrible, terrible waste.

But it's still better than the DWADs.

Youth of Australia said...

WHAT THE FUCK?! The THIRD cliffhanger is basically Paul Darrow saying "It's good to see you"!!! WAS ANYONE THINKING AT ALL WHEN THEY WROTE THIS?!?

I think they were too busy worrying about who would be playing the Ninth Doctor.

Like I said, everyone stopped giving a shit during part one of Creed of Kromon.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Wait, I get it now! The joke in your pisstake was that they're all so jealous of Nick Briggs being involved in the new series they make him the villain of the story and label him a complete wanker out of pure spite!

Hehe, that is pretty funny...

Youth of Australia said...

Wait, I get it now! The joke in your pisstake was that they're all so jealous of Nick Briggs being involved in the new series they make him the villain of the story and label him a complete wanker out of pure spite!
No. Actually, it's because Nick Briggs has played the Doctor so many different unofficial methods, he keeps trying to rewrite scripts at Big Finish so he becomes an official Doctor, and by 2003, they became so sick of him they make him the villain and label him a complete wanker in ZAGREUS and this is the sequel. So I was stuck, really...

BF only keep Briggsy around because he's the only one who knows how to record audio dramas, but the rest of them take credit for it.

Hmmm. Rather complicated backstory now I think of it...

Back in the mists before history was real lived a man called Nicholas Briggs.

Briggs loved Doctor Who and wanted to BE him. And so he constructed a Stargate Wormhole that allowed him to travel back to the dawn of time and manipulate the primal foundations of existence until Gallifrey, the Time Lords, the Dustbins and the Cybermen came into existence. There were a few false starts that were sealed up and dumped in whole new universes.

Since then, Briggs has adopted the guise of 'Rassilon' and manipulated and stalked Theta Sigma, making sure that he fled Gallifrey in a TARDIS, that the TARDIS became stuck as a police box, that he would have countless human companions and regenerate seven times. Apparently, this universe is a warped, kinkier and filthier version of the show Briggs loves, but it's pretty damned close and indeed, makes a lot more sense on some occasions. Now, Briggs has tricked the Eighth Doctor into become Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass and can now rewrite his own history with impunity. Briggs wants Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass to unwrite time and make Briggs himself the Doctor for all eternity. The Eighth Doctor knows that he stands at a fork in the road.

Should he continue on his path, regenerate and finally get it on with Rose Tyler? Or should he surrender his existence to Briggs, with every previous incarnation retconned out of reality and no cameos or anniversary appearance?

Youth of Australia said...

Like the strikethrus.

Managed to cope through part four with its incredible amount of Paul Darrow yet? :)

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Hmm, yeah, but I think I'll have to do it again. I was listening while doing other stuff in TAFE and the whole lengthy bit of exposition about the blue planet surviving the galaxy being blown up or some shit... that slipped me by. Somehow I just couldn't concentrate on a five-minute slab of exposition told through six different characters...

Paul was fucking awesome, though. I have no doubt at all that the scene where he was drowing C'rizz in the well was a favourite of a great many people (myself included)

But... WHAT is with the dude playing Keep? It took me ages to realise all those accents were the one character. Did they change their minds about what he was meant to sound like half-way through? It cheapens the awesomeness of Paul's Guidance when he has to play second banana to such an irritating twerp.

Youth of Australia said...

Hmm, yeah, but I think I'll have to do it again. I was listening while doing other stuff in TAFE and the whole lengthy bit of exposition about the blue planet surviving the galaxy being blown up or some shit... that slipped me by.
You are not alone. That still baffles me. Apparently the blue planet flies through all nine galaxies that makes up the universe, spraying out gunk from its volcano. That gunk seeds planets and all life evolves, then the planet starts sucking the gunk BACK and all life is wiped out.

It still baffles me, mainly because it contradicts the rest of the Divergent Universe series... which were all set on one planet.

Somehow I just couldn't concentrate on a five-minute slab of exposition told through six different characters...
And it's not like it was interesting exposition. Why not just say, "the universe is ending"? Worked in Utopia...


Paul was fucking awesome, though. I have no doubt at all that the scene where he was drowing C'rizz in the well was a favourite of a great many people (myself included)

But... WHAT is with the dude playing Keep? It took me ages to realise all those accents were the one character. Did they change their minds about what he was meant to sound like half-way through?
According to all reports, he's supposed to sound French. (There's a good reason for that, though)

It cheapens the awesomeness of Paul's Guidance when he has to play second banana to such an irritating twerp.
Worse, that irritating twerp COULD DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!!!

Guidance was scarier. And he wasn't out to DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!!!

...it just gets silly.

Remember: half my parodies are me just trying to improve the original.