Friday, October 5, 2007

Meanwhile, in a BBC Studio...

(The set of Mock the Week, although some wag has painted an 'l' and an 'a' onto the logo, meaning it now curiously reads 'MLock the Weak'. This seems to go completely unnoticed. Sitting in front of the set, going over their material, are Frankie Boyle and Hugh Dennis.)

BOYLE: So, how many jokes about Glasgow is the limit, you reckon?

DENNIS: One.

BOYLE: Because I was thinking eighteen might stretch it a bit... you know, for the opening monologue.

DENNIS: No, I tell a lie - zero. Zero is the limit. You are Scottish, we get the fucking picture.

BOYLE: It worked for Billy Connolly.

DENNIS: Forty years ago it was the cutting edge, yeah. But then fifty years ago cutting edge was Harry Secombe yelling about custard in his underpants. A hundred years ago it was Charlie Chaplin falling over on loop. Four hundred years ago it was a bloke in a silly hat with no balls singing. If you want to cut your bollocks off and do some James Blunt gear, though, I won't stop you. You talentless git.

BOYLE: Hey, do you think this abusive banter we're engaged with gives away the fact that the writer has no idea what our show is actually about and has just looked on a wikipedia page for less than a minute to get two names for a duologue?

DENNIS: I hope not.

BOYLE: Oh god.

DENNIS: What? Did you just do something funny?

(Dennis sees Boyle is looking at something over his shoulder, and makes to turn)

BOYLE: Don't look! Jesus Christ.

DENNIS: What is it? Your mum brought your lunch in late?

BOYLE: Shit, it's him, he's coming this way!

DENNIS: Who?

BOYLE: Him!

DENNIS: Him him?

BOYLE: Yeah.

DENNIS: Shit. Too late to pretend you haven't seen him?

BOYLE: Yeah.

DENNIS: Shit.

BOYLE: I'm texting security.

(MARTIN LOCK, an upbeat and borderline-insane runner emerges. He is notable for carying pages of printed-out materials, his ebullient demeanor, and for wearing a gigantic mask of a thoroughly demonic-looking blue eagle.)

MLOCK: Hullo, mates! It's been a long time, hasn't it?

DENNIS: It doesn't feel it.

BOYLE: How have you been?

(No pause)

DENNIS: That's nice, Marty, been working hard?

BOYLE: Anymore interviews for BBC Wales?

DENNIS: That you didn't just make up?

BOYLE: Nice flame-wars on the inta-web?

DENNIS: Anyway, it's been lovely talking to you byut we got work to do and really, really, really want you to fuck off right now.

MLOCK: Ah-haha, you guys are so funny.

BOYLE (Soto, to Dennis) Security, here in five minutes.

DENNIS: They better make it three.

MLOCK: I came here because some sillies are making my life damnably complicated on my internets! It really is disgraceful! The meanies need to stop taking Ben Chatham so seriously! So, I came here because I desperately need the internet weapon - the Strawman!!!

BOYLE: You what?

DENNIS: Take Dara - he's got no fucking heart, that's for sure.

MLOCK: Sillies! No, the Strawman is an argument of infinite power, based on a simple statement of questionable certifiability, guarenteed to win any internet debates with even less than the minimum of effort - you can see why I crave it so! Unfortunately, the one of calling somebody Hitler doesn't work quite as well these days, so I need something ever-so-slightly more substantial...

BOYLE: Ooookay..

MLOCK: Take a look at this! Hehe, isn't it funny? Funny, yes? Funny!!!

(MLock shoves various pieces of paper in their faces)

BOYLE: Erm..

DENNIS: You fucking loony.

MLOCK: Hah, yes, it is funny isn't it? Yes, it is! But now, something NOT funny, written by a PRETENDER! This man, this man YoA, he is BAD! Read this blog post he wrote when he was suffering from crippling depression.

(He shoves more pieces of paper into their faces)

MLOCK: Funny? No, not funny! And I know funny! YoA is jealous, sillies, jealous of me! Of MEEEEE!

(Finally, the security guards arrive and drag MLock away, brutally beating him in the process)

MLOCK: You meddlesome fools! You don't even understand, now I have all I need to fulfill my DREEEAMS OF CONQUEST! NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN STOP ME NOW, HAHAHAHA!

BOYLE: Have I mentioned that I believe that man foreshadows the inevitable fall of all Western civilization?

DENNIS: Every time we meet him you tedious twat. Got any new jokes yet?


As outlandish as the above events may seem, I have reason to believe that this is exactly what happened. And reason to not believe, but let's not go into that...

3 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

I still don't understand just what "Mock the Week" is, (something between GNW and the Glasshouse?) but that sure cured MY crippling depression.

Frankie and Hugh amuse me. I find this good.

Oh well, better go and post the last bit of Shindig up on the blog... once I work out where the hell to go from where I left...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I still don't understand just what "Mock the Week" is, (something between GNW and the Glasshouse?)

From the Wikipedia page I gather that's the idea.

Really, I prefer to think of it as a symbol of the outrageous arrogance of the British peoples in their staunch belief that every irrelevant piece of their culture is instantly familiar to the rest of the world. Gits.

but that sure cured MY crippling depression.

This is EXCELLENT news!

(Man, wouldn't the Cyberleader make a cool ringtone?)

Frankie and Hugh amuse me. I find this good.

Of course, I have no idea if either of them talk anything like that. Dara O'Brien's the only guy on the show I've even seen on TV.

Good to know the banter was amusing though. Because otherwise it would be nothing but a hate-filled tirade against MLock's cowardice. (Which it is)

Oh well, better go and post the last bit of Shindig up on the blog... once I work out where the hell to go from where I left...

It's shaping up to be quite an epic. I wasn't sure if the 9th Doctor was going to show or if you just couldn't be bothered photoshopping him out of the shot from Father's Day, but I'm very pleased that he has.

Youth of Australia said...

(Man, wouldn't the Cyberleader make a cool ringtone?)
As long it was Banksy, not Zheng...

Of course, I have no idea if either of them talk anything like that. Dara O'Brien's the only guy on the show I've even seen on TV.
I don't even know him, and assumed it was the DWAD companion. Which just made it laugh more.

Good to know the banter was amusing though.
Very Spoon and Chamberish.

Because otherwise it would be nothing but a hate-filled tirade against MLock's cowardice. (Which it is)
Apparently he's changed his avatar to Shaun the Sheep, presumably to signify that once you cut through his "wool", there's nothing worth looking at?

It's shaping up to be quite an epic.
I know... wasn't MEANT to be...

I wasn't sure if the 9th Doctor was going to show or if you just couldn't be bothered photoshopping him out of the shot from Father's Day, but I'm very pleased that he has.
I chose that chose specifically cause I was going to spoof The Second Coming, with Eccles as the Son of God. The rest of it... well... your guess is as good as mine...

But I have a final plot twist SO massive, SO merciless THAT IT WILL LIVE IN HISTORY!!!!!