Saturday, October 6, 2007

What ifs...

What if...

The Two Doctors had worked like the previous multi-Doctor stories?

"Well, now Peri, let's see how my other self is doing with that time bubble..."

Doo-do-doo...

"Nope. Still in here."

"Oh, for Christ's sake!! Are you even trying to get out?"

"Not really. Would you like a jellybaby?"


What if...

Iggy Pop had sex with a genetically-malformed goat that was wearing a Warwick Capper wig and filmed it? I believe the results would be incredible in being more disgusting than the average Leigh Whannel fantasy and more confusing than the closing fight scenes in Jet Li's The One.


What if...

Every online loser got their fantasy and The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy film actually was an audiobook with a couple of moving pictures thrown in? I have the strangest feeling that 2 hours of Stephen Fry cracking jokes while Martin Freeman, Sam Rockwell, Mos Def, and Zooey Deschanel stand around doing nothing (and being astonishingly sexistly characterised in one example of the aforementioned) wouldn't have set the Box Office alight, most likely doing even worse than the version we got, and nowhere near as entertaining.

This would have the added bonus of getting rid of the stupidest internet argument fodder for any film adaptation - "Oh, no, they can't do [insert comedic book here] , just look at H2G2 - it's impossible to adapt comedy novels because the humour's in the narrative!" Setting aside the fact that not every comic novel reads exactly like Douglas Adams.


What if...

I'd been born a couple of years earlier, so would actually have been able to submit my DW novel The Furor to BBC Books before they replaced their 'submissions' page with a massive sign saying "Fuck off Lepers!"? Personally, I fantasised about going to OG's reviews page and seeing what incredible similes Joe Ford and Lawrence Conquest would have used to say that it was complete crap. And, you know, getting published beforehand.

Actually, I just realised that's why I was so late to get any proper fan-fic done, because I honestly wrote 50,000 words of The Furor in the middle of high-school. And frankly it was terribly generic.


What if...

All the publicity for the next Batman film is the most elaborate ruse ever and the badguy is actually The Mad Hatter?


What if...

I spent less time Wiki-ing comic book characters for the hell of it? I probably wouldn't have written the above entry for a start...


What if...

I actually had gotten the part for that Virgin mobile ad where I was to play an SMS-battle champion? Presumably very little, because nobody I know seems to have ever seen the ad.


What if...

Doctor Who came back like I imagined in my Nigel Verkoff-style fantasies, with me playing the Doctor in a ludicrously complicated story about werewolves and aliens living in the moon trying to alter Earth's history? At a guess, just three words: Victory for Grade.


What if...

Princess Di had somehow managed to live another year in disgusting self-indulgent glory? Would she be remembered instead as some greasy wog's slapper? Going by the nature of British tabloids, I'll say yes.


What if...

The 'spin-off' to Life on Mars, in which ANOTHER modern-day detective has an accident and ends up trapped in the 70s, in the London Met (where, improbably, Gene Hunt, Chris, and Moustache Man have all been transferred) is actually any good at all? Hmm, I'd owe someone some money, surely...


What if...

Sparacus died shortly after saying 'I'm just going to the lavatory now'? Would his fanbase be able to get the thread to the 1000 posts mark without even noticing his absence?


What if...

On the subject of the Hitchhiker's movie, as I was several minutes, ago, what if people online hadn't decided to hate it based on the fact Ford was black and Zaphod didn't have two heads months before it came out? Of course, it probably wouldn't mattered too much as some complete arsehole who was apparently one of Adams' 'friends' trashed the whole film in a 'review' on AICN. Review is in inverted commas because all he did was compile a list of every piece of dialogue not exactly as written down in the book. Constructive, no? No.

But seriously, I want to see a sequel. Without using my imagination, that is.


What if...

I ran out of things to write?

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