Oh gawd. A couple of months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life... I joined FaceBook.
Exactly why I underwent this endeavour I don't know, as it isn't me. I'm the ultimate anti-social wannabe-hermit; the stereotypical monomaniacal communist loner with irrational hatred for everything.
Actually, I take that back. I do know why I joined. I wanted sex.
This was impeccably naive on my part, though, as sex is difficult to find on the internet on the sites that are actually supposed to deal with free sex - generally nothing more than porn adverts posing as Personal Messages rather unconvincingly. What's this? Svetlana the 28DDD blonde wants to become my slave just as soon as I click on the link? Cha-ching!
But various pieces of false-advertising got me interested and I created a page. And I soon discovered it's the poor man's MySpace.
Every 'Page' of the 'FaceBook' looks the same - just with a different photo of the schmuck in question who runs the page. Or, if they're like me and both photo-hating and digital camera-void, a photo of someone else entirely, ideally who doesn't resemble the genuine article in the slightest. The other differences are the abusive messages on 'The Wall', the 'Interests' nobody can be arsed to read, and whatever 'Plug-Ins' you choose.
You can only of course choose Plug-Ins coded by FaceBook, so they're inevitably generic and completely crap. None of this changes your page, and to even SEE the plug-in on someones page, you need to actually install it first - which puts it on your page. ARRRGH!
Customising the Page in anyway is impossible - unlike MySpace. Putting your thoughts up there is impossible. Well, it's sort of possible but you have to link to a pre-existing blog. Yes, they can't even handle a blog.
Anyone, like myself, with computer savvy will see the problem. This is a piece of internet technology that is completely accessible and useable by any fucker with an Equity Card. So that's precisely who uses it. Vapid, techno-ignorant, 30-somethings desperate to keep up with the CyberJoneses, pushing themselves to the limit.
Why am I complaining about this now? Because I get emails like THIS:
Adam Matthew Morgan has cast a spell on you with SuperPoke!
I can say for a start that this is not true. I have felt no adverse affects, no difference in my condition. Unless the spell was to piss me off and the arrival of the email at the same time is pure coincidence, this myth is busted.
Adam Matthew Morgan has cast a spell on you with SuperPoke! Click here to pinch, hug, tickle, pwn or even throw sheep (among other things) back!!!
If I want to throw sheep at him, I'll fucking do it myself. I live in a rural area and he's only half an hour's drive away. All too easy.
Obviously FaceBook can't do magic. But they create cheesy features like this that claim to in a vain attempt to be cutesy and funny. FAIL'D! In short, all the site does is help people find even more ways to waste time. And I'm sick of it.
The question is this: is it possible to delete my account entirely? Because even in the odd occassion that something develops of vague interest on the site, my internet connection refuses to let me do anything. And I mean that - I can't even write on someone's wall, the entire basis of the sordid thing!
In spite of the fact that I haven't been on my account for... ooh... well over a month now, maybe even two, I keep getting email. Friend requests, checkers requests, tic-tac-rape requests, answer my desperate pleas for attention requests, requests for my types of requests to send out. It is pathetic, pointless, and aggrivating.
FACEBOOK - I shall end thee!