Thursday, January 17, 2008

ARCHIVE MATERIAL: Something I found funny at the time...

Because I can't stand being vaguely topical, I never posted with regards to the ABC's screening of The Great Global Warming Swindle, the most inadvertently hilarious doco ever made. The irony is that it's being lapped up by the same right-wingers who overlook mountains of evidence that JFK was shot by someone not a Russian spy, who make far more absurd leaps of logic to buy Martin Durkin's fairytale explanation of how all the problems facing the world aren't real.

What I loved was the revelation that the 5% (or less) of the global scientific community who DON'T believe in global warming are the good guys. They're just swamped over by... well, it depends on which angle Durkin takes at that point in the film. But the rest of the worlds scientists are occupied by:

a) Malpractising amoral bastards bribed by Margaret Thatcher to help her bring in Nuclear Power
b) Communists fleeing the Soviet Union (??)
c) Fascists working for big corporations who want to kill African babies (???)

This was enjoyable enough in itself, making Michael Moore look like the most objective and level-headed journalist in the world, but it was afterwards that it really became entertaining, with firstly a round-table debate between people who actually knew what they were talking about (Robin Williams and Professor David Karoly) and sloshed-up angry old men who could barely control their slurring and itchy fists (Prof. Rex Hunt and replicant newspaper columnist Michael Duffy because they couldn't find a second scientist mad enough to fill the 'affirmative' slot). The fact that Karoly had a response ready for every argument was delicious, and the ineptitude of the response was a balm for climate-aggrieved soul, especially when Michael Duffy effectively painted 'I am a tit' on his forehead, pulling out a book about "The Green Economy" and shouting out that there's money to be made from Global Warming.

You know, because there's no money in the oil industry.

By the time that the debate opened up further, I was writing a direct transcript...


Tony Jones: Okay, it's now time to open the debate up to the audience, as we promised in our ads and are sadly contractually obliged to do. Try to keep insanity to a minimum. OKay, nondescript guy first.

Nondescripto: Just checking you're aware that the WWF was partly founded by Prince Phillip, a member of the Eugenics society who once commented that he would like to be re-incarnated as a highly contagious strain of bacteria?

Tony Jones: Yes EVERYONE knows that. Jesus, get with the program. Yo, Fatso.

Fatty Vaughtan: Alright you garrullous prick in the middle of the table-

Prof. Karoly: Me?

Fatty Vaughtan: Fuck you and yes. Carbon 19! They've found that shit in the rocks! CARBON 19! Not Carbon-2, Carbon-4, CARBON 19! You say rocks are old and shit, what does CARBON 19 have to say about that? CARBON 19!!!! You guys are morons!

Tony Jones: Hmmm, yes. Professor, what do you say to that?

Prof. Karoly: I, erm, sorry I don't know what the question was.

Fatty Vaughtan: CARBON 19!!!!!

Tony Jones: Moving on now, to...and I know I'm going to regret this... the blatant student in the beanie and Che Guevara T-shirt.

Anthony P. Snidebucket: Yes, thank you Tony. Well I am a Sophomore pre-Baltic Anglo-Slovakian Communist pseudo-bisexual Catholic missionary studying astro-physics, communism, my own magnificence and classical guitar, and mostly I came on this show to brag I have to admit, but partly to channel my grievances with 'society', as I like to refer to my own parents. While I'm here though I'd like to ask a brief question... Tony: don't you think this is all just the caveman seeing the shadow on the cave wall, that is himself dancing by the fire and misinterpreting it. I mean, sure, we can blame the Marxist transgressions of the Kyoto protocol and its soft measures on NAMBLA and other pedophile support lobbies, but when it comes down to it isn't it really a matter for Occam's Razor, vis-a-vis the Strawman argument of the Chewbacca Defense Professor N'ghi'nghiiin'gh of Bhutan has attributed to the falsification of String Theory? Also, do you like my T-shirt?

Tony Jones: Whatever. Woman in scarf.

Woman in Scarf: It's a caftan, arsehole.

Tony Jones: Fair enough. Do we have any more nutbags who think that getting their own insane ideas on TV will somehow legitimise their warped global perspective?

Mormon T. McMormon: Yo, right here.

Tony Jones: Right, let rip.

Mormon T. McMormon: You are aware that the WWF, represented here by a man, hilariously, wearing a suit-

Tony Jones: Hang on, is this the Eugenics thing?

Mormon T. McMormon: ...maybe.

Tony Jones: Oh, for Christ's sake we've already had this one.

Mormon T. McMormon: Yeah, but I've put a fresh new spin on it! Trust me!

Tony Jones: Really?

Mormon T. McMormon: Pleeease?

Tony Jones: Fine.

Mormon T. McMormon: So, Prince Phillip and his Eugenics friends, who are all into killing babies and stuff, decide to kill JFK. To do this they-

Tony Jones: Snooze!

Mormon T. McMormon: THIS IS MODERN-DAY NAZISM TO DESTROY AFRICA!!!

Tony Jones: That's your angle? Insane yelling? Does that impress me? A clue: fuck off. You know who else was into Eugenics? Winston Churchill. And your mother. Together. Every goddamned night.

Mormon T. McMormon: You're not my real father you arsehole!!!

Tony Jones: Yep, that's what the court decided and I'm not gonna rock that boat. That's thankfully all we've got time for so I'll see you in Hell, bitches.

3 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Oh dear god I wish I could be that funny. Seriously, this is like undiluted McCallif meets Dylan Moran craziness.

*bows in worship*

AND IT'S FUNNY CAUSE IT'S TRUUUUUEEEEE!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Jeez, all I did was write down exactly what they said...

Nah, seriously I couldn't believe what a fruitbat magnet that the whole 'audience participation' thing turned the debate into. In actual fact there were at least THREE people who brought up the Eugenics thing and I think there was only one question coherent enough for one of the panellists to actually respond to.

The icing on the cake was when Michael Duffy used the results of the online poll after the show as evidence that people weren't as convicted on the matter of global warming as was believed. He did well to ignore the fact that there wasn't a single person in the studio audience not on medication, which would give an idea of the demographic voting on said poll.

Youth of Australia said...

Ah Michael Duffy. Nature made up for his complete lack of intelligence, good looks, charm and competence by giving his radio slots some vaguely decent music.

It's not much, but he didn't deserve more.