Tuesday, February 19, 2008

My Dog is Racist and Equivalent Errata

Hmm, I see that Claire Hooper has closed her MySpace. Is that where all the nude pics were?

Oh, and her 'site' is nothing but a single picture of her, with a link to her MySpace. A MySpace that is CLOSED! And she's wearing clothes in the photo.

I should probably also note at this point (or at another point soon to come) that I also consider her a uniquely talented comic voice and brilliant performer. And yet I still want to see her naked.

It's now that I have to also thank Lawrence Miles for posting on his blog (ages ago - can't be found now as he deletes the entire thing every second week and when he gets cranky) about his deep-seeded feelings of annoyance and resentment with all of the female celebrities announcing the fact that they are getting married, in spite of the fact that it was beyond unlikely that he would be able to get into any sort of acquaintance, let alone relationship with them. Because I feel that all the time.

Who knows - maybe it's a Universal sensation through humanity, but everyone is so embarassed by the sheer irrationality that they keep quiet about it utterly. I like to think that women were considering suicide when Dave Hughes announced his impending nuptials to the world at large...

This, of course, is related to Claire Hooper announcing her marriage to the world sometime last year, when I had only just gotten to know her. She had been coquettishly leading me on all that time, the tremulous hussy!

I'm probably quite mental.

*

What about that GNW? I watched half of last nights. Well, no, actually I'd say I watched 1/4. There was an ad break that lasted for about 5 minutes (Only getting ABC and SBS most days and generally only watching the Cricket when I do watch something on the 'real' channels mean that I haven't really seen ad breaks for the past three years and they have clearly grown...) and then, when the show came on, they were essentially running an ad break on the frigging show.

The segment with the frigging 'sound-proof booth' that isn't sound proof and it's very existence is never explained as it's completely unnecessary to the rules of the segment. Claire (nice link to the last bit) goes in, is gorgeous, is funny, I'm happy, she gets out. Good! Mikey comically refuses to go in the booth. But wait, there's something oddly scripted about the way Paul greets the news...

My jaw drops as I see the cross-promotion that I have heard so much about from my contemporaries.

Some old fat-ass actress from The Bold & The Beautiful (people WATCH that?) comes on and does a trick I thought only Chris Lilley could pull off.. she forms a comedic black hole and thus sucks the humour from the room. And disgustingly, the two female guests begin fawning over her as if she's some sort of goddess. I switch over to the ABC and hear Peter Costello talking about John Howard knew he'd diss the leadership if they loss. I turn back over. Fucking B&B stuff. I turn to Joe Hockey talking about leaving threatening messages on Howard's voicemail and being 'thanked for his honesty'. I turn back over. What the HELL?! - the two mad women are now doing some re-enactment of a scene from B&B?

ARRGH! Did nobody think that this would be alienating to people who, generally, don't watch midday soap operas? Say, people with broad minds, an interest in current affairs, in the age bracket of 18-30, say THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR THIS SHOW?!?

I switch to Aunty again in disgust. Brendan Nelson actually being more amusing than anything on GNW at the moment through trapping himself in a convoluted web of double-talk, hypocrisy, and attempted fence-sitting all the while trying to big himself up as leader, coming across more as David Brent than anything else.

I switch back. Finally that fat fucking old lady is in the booth. Her letter is 'B'. The first question...

"What is your favourite TV show"

I nearly did a Levine on the TV.

*

For those of you who didn't get that reference.... eh, who the hell am I kidding?

*

On the subject of nerdy stuff, I saw an ad for "TORCHWOOD - the complete First series, finally on DVD!" I guess 'finally' because people who actually liked it can now watch the half of the series that Channel Ten didn't actually air...

What especially tickled me was seeing that the DVD contained a large blooper reel. I liked to imagine that it was a lot of stuff like this:


JACK: Ianto, no, you have to leave her!

DIRECTOR (V.O) : Okay, Gareth, you're seeing Lisa right now, and she's getting torn apart by the talons of a terrifying pterodactyl, screaming wildly, blood is spurting out of her bare, naked and supple skin and... is something wrong.

IANTO: Jesus Christ, John...

JACK: Hey, man, it's not that bad...

IANTO: (to himself) You need the money, Gareth, you need the fucking money. Come on, you can do this...


GWEN: So... who's the last person you shagged?

CHIBNALL (V.O): Pashed!

GWEN: What?

CHIBNALL (V.O): The line is 'pashed', not 'shagged'!

GWEN: But NOBODY says 'pashed'! Am I meant to be 14 fucking years old?

CHIBNALL (V.O): Swear jar, young lady! Do it again and you're grounded.

GWEN: YOU HAVE PROBLEMS, CHRIS!


REAL ESTATE GUY: There's something out there, you know. In the Darkness. And it's waiting...

OWEN: What?

REAL ESTATE GUY: Sub-prime apartment blokes, great deals. Want to see them? *snort*

OWEN: Oh, yeah, really funny.

REAL ESTATE GUY: I'm a fucking real-estate agent! How do I know about the afterlife?

DIRECTOR (V.O) Just say the lines!

OWEN: We've been at this for three hours!

REAL ESTATE GUY (collapsing in tears) 'There's something in the darkness', this is THE FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER READ!

*

Has anyone else noticed that the Torchwood Novels, unlike the Doctor Who ones, don't have an official website? How are you meant to find out about them? I've found it easier to read up on Star Trek novels for Christ's sake!

I'm guessing that this means that they are NOT open-submission, like about every single line of books out there. Which is a bit of a downer. The only ones I've found that are are, again, the Star Trek novels. This has seriously got me thinking, in the not-too-distant past, about writing one about Harry Kim defeating an alien race that is, essentially, 'the Kromon done well'.

I can't help but feel that if I actually did that, it would have the same stigma as working as a male prostitute. Or writing the DWADs. (OHHHH!)

*

While I'm talking about things tangentially related to Doctor Who that we all hope will die off reasonably soon and in a fair degree of pain, I need to mention Benjamin James Sebastian James Chatham the IIIrd. (It's a rule that all ridiculously long and poncy names need to eventually end with 'the IIIrd' - we have been fools not to heed it!)

I'd like to give this secretive nod to the gods that ordian the madness that unfolds within a Chatham thread, as they have been getting more bearable of late. Recently they have looked like this:

SPARACUS: Here's my latest fic, folks!

EVERYONE: Drivel.

MLOCK/LUNARSEA/LBC: Brilliant.

LEONARD HATRED: *Snort*

LBC: Assualt! Assault!

JOHNSTONE: Spara, I have some suggestions for you... (*26 pages*)

CYBERWOMAN: I like Kyle. Ben sucks.

HASHISHADDICT: Well, I'm here too late to add anything meaningful. Erm... you're all homosexual!

SPARACUS: Thank you.

JOHNSTONE: As usual YOU DID NOT REPLY TO MY POST!!!


But the last few times I have visited the page I have actually been amused. Keep up the decent work.

*

Also, my dog is racist. Our paddock has been adjisted (it's not like adjusting) so we've had cattle on it. He's a brown dog and he has no trouble with brown cows, bulls and calfs.

But there's this one black calf. And he flies into a psychopathic rage everytime he sees it. Just like these guys...



EDIT: That's meant to be an embedded video there of something I found on YouTube. Due to my crazy dial-up I have no way of telling whether it actually worked or not...

14 comments:

Cameron Mason said...

You missed all the good parts of the blatent crossover.

First off the B&Ber treated Michelle Lawrie like a nutbag soap fan and told her to stay an arm's length away, and kept her there.

Then for the second question the B7Ber initially answered 'ballsack', then changed her answer to the correct one.

This set Mikey and Wil off.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

I haven't seen GNW yet (taped it) and had much more fun watching Drawn Together. Seriously, that is so damn funny, like when a character is tempted to join the dark side:

"That's a very sensible offer which would give me a real future, but the trouble is... I'M FAR TOO VINDICTIVE! DIE, MUTHERFUCKER!!"

Maybe you had to be there.

So, anyway, I cannot comment on GNW.

As for Torchwood, I nearly pissed myself laughing at the blooper reels - I know for a fact John Barrowman gets hysterical about Cyberwoman being in any way serious... and Combat rightly deserves being slagged off for the one scene you KNOW with evangelical passion that Noel Clarke did not write.

As for the novels, they really are good reading - I recommend them unreservedly, and note that two of them have already been plagiarized for season two. When I complained about this to other fans, they told me to fuck off as it is exactly the same as Blink.

I know, I was such a retard thinking that getting the AUTHOR to REWRITE a story THEY wrote for a TV show was adapting it, but apparently it's the exact same thing as stealing wholesale ideas from other parts of the show and declaring it uncanonical! So, out of the six novels, two now never happened... so why release novels in the first place? No doubt there will be some TW fans to explain it all to me because I have dog vomit instead of a brain.

I decided to numb the pain by enduring a DWAD called Devinaura IV, which is like three seconds of The Impossible Planet extended to five sodding episodes with the only plot stolen from Blake's 7: Trial. The DWADs say the BBC then stole their idea for a 10th Doctor/Rose novel. Lovely people.

The youtube vid works, BTW.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

@ Cam

You missed all the good parts of the blatent crossover.

True. But I got all the good bits from that Four Corners thing on Howard.

@ YOA

As for the novels, they really are good reading - I recommend them unreservedly,

It's a great shame, then, that they are treated so obtusely by the internet. I've had difficulty finding information on them and, as I mentioned, there's nothing near an official site that I could see.

When I complained about this to other fans, they told me to fuck off as it is exactly the same as Blink.

If they were genuinely knowleadgable they would also have mentioned Dalek. Pitiful Torchwood-loving creatures...

No doubt there will be some TW fans to explain it all to me because I have dog vomit instead of a brain.

What is it with TW fans? Is it because they're younger they're not as good with debating? Because I've noticed that there's none of the give-and-take of the good ol' DW fans, who are more than happy (Sometimes too happy, even) to agree about how crap the show can be.

TW fans are like Michael Jackson fans - always on the defense.

I decided to numb the pain by enduring a DWAD called Devinaura IV, which is like three seconds of The Impossible Planet extended to five sodding episodes with the only plot stolen from Blake's 7: Trial.

I can see how that would help.




... I'm lying, actually, I've got no sodding idea.

The youtube vid works, BTW.

Awesome. Even though you've probably got all of The Late Show in your VHS archives anyway...

Youth of Australia said...

It's a great shame, then, that they are treated so obtusely by the internet. I've had difficulty finding information on them and, as I mentioned, there's nothing near an official site that I could see.
Well, there's always the DW reference guide...

If they were genuinely knowleadgable they would also have mentioned Dalek. Pitiful Torchwood-loving creatures...
Yes. Very pitiful...

What is it with TW fans? Is it because they're younger they're not as good with debating? Because I've noticed that there's none of the give-and-take of the good ol' DW fans, who are more than happy (Sometimes too happy, even) to agree about how crap the show can be.
Torchwood fans are quite clear on how crap Doctor Who can be. Torchwood, however, is beyond reproach.

TW fans are like Michael Jackson fans - always on the defense.
I can think of several disturbing rejoinders to that.

I can see how that would help.
... I'm lying, actually, I've got no sodding idea.

It's like taking your mind off a stubbed toe by watching Order in the House.

Awesome. Even though you've probably got all of The Late Show in your VHS archives anyway...
Probably, yeah, but it's hardly a detailed archive, but scattered randomly around the place. Though I've got the very first and very last episodes safe and sound, plus of course the infamous Doctor Who parody...

Cameron Mason said...


True. But I got all the good bits from that Four Corners thing on Howard.


I couldn't watch that, because I knew every five seconds I'd be saying "Hello, ABC Complaints." due to all the Liberal party blue bloods ringing in to complain.

I won't be watching The Howard Years doco because if it were a drinking game I'd be dead from alcohol poisoning before the title sequence ended...

Cameron

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Hang on, Cam, do you actually work for the ABC? Or is that just your imagination at work? See, I thought you just worked in the ABC shop. Well, I also got the impression that you were a teacher somewhere along the line, but you've mentioned needing to work two jobs...

We really don't know each other that well, do we?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, there's always the DW reference guide...

If you think I am chastised by your words... whatever.

If they were genuinely knowleadgable they would also have mentioned Dalek. Pitiful Torchwood-loving creatures...
Yes. Very pitiful...

Torchwood fans are quite clear on how crap Doctor Who can be. Torchwood, however, is beyond reproach.

Yeah, that's what I think is so weird. I mean, some of the script-editing cockups in the first season were painfully obvious, the characters were impossible to get a handle on... I'd say in terms of how it came together it was a worse job than B7 season 2.

And WHAT THE HELL IS THEIR EXCUSE?!?

It's like taking your mind off a stubbed toe by watching Order in the House.

I've always gone the other way, by finding something entertaining to watch.

Though I've got the very first and very last episodes safe and sound, plus of course the infamous Doctor Who parody...

*GASP* Would you know how to make some sort of digital copy? Because there was no more crushing disappointment to me than when I found out that the Lateshow Champagne Edition DVD just had a tiny clip of the Doctor Who skit. I HAVEN'T SEEN IT!!!

(And whoever it is who uploads stuff to YouTube has been slow on getting LateShow up. Grrr.)

Youth of Australia said...

If you think I am chastised by your words... whatever.
???

And WHAT THE HELL IS THEIR EXCUSE?!?
Gan's departure messed everything up?

*GASP* Would you know how to make some sort of digital copy?
No.

I might be able to put it on DVD, but no promises.

Because there was no more crushing disappointment to me than when I found out that the Lateshow Champagne Edition DVD just had a tiny clip of the Doctor Who skit. I HAVEN'T SEEN IT!!!

I could tell you what happens in it... anyway Tony Martin does a total Nick Briggs and plays half the characters.

Kudos for remembering Benton, though.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

???

Hah! It was not supposed to make sense!

Gan's departure messed everything up?

Er, no, I meant what was Torchwood's excuse.

Youth of Australia said...

Hmmm. Looked around, and only found my copy of a copy of it on my Curse of Fatal Death tape, so the quality of it is far from perfect. I'll keep looking.

Cameron Mason said...

Hang on, Cam, do you actually work for the ABC? Or is that just your imagination at work? See, I thought you just worked in the ABC shop.

The ABC Shop is a division of the ABC, so therefore we do get people coming in wishing to complain about programs at times.


Well, I also got the impression that you were a teacher somewhere along the line, but you've mentioned needing to work two jobs...

In theory I should be a full time High School teacher, teaching History and Geography to years 7 - 12. At least that's what my double degree says.

In reality I tend to only get about 26 weeks of teaching work a year, and the rest of the time is spent working at my local ABC Shop.

A retail job is something I should have worked while I was studying; not after!

I've never been able to do things in the right order.

Apart from birth, and presumably death...


We really don't know each other that well, do we?


We do seem to be a bit like ships passing in the night...

Or the Doctor and Rose at Bad Wolf Bay...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Can't believe I've bloody lost the tape! It was the season finale of the first series of the Late Show, where the guys from Rush get their revenge over The Olden Days by redubbing Mick and Tony's voices!

DAMNIT!DAMNIT!DAMNIT!DAMNIT!DAMNIT!DAMNIT!DAMNIT!DAMNIT!DAMNIT!

Cameron Mason said...

Or the Doctor and Rose at Bad Wolf Bay...


I shouldn't say things like that.

Some woman in white has just appeared, accusing me or disrupting her wedding day...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

That'll be Hero the Newsreader.

Just dump her at the beach as well, it seems to work...