Monday, March 31, 2008

The Harry Potter Rant

In my unusually bitter and tired mood, my mind has wandered. And, seriously, what's the deal with Harry Potter? Worst thought out fictional Universe EVER or what? So, in all of Europe there are three wizardry schools. THREE. That's three schools for over a billion frigging people. And then there's the fact that one school is specifically for Gothic Evil Motherfuckers, the other is strictly female/homosexuals only, and so there's only one that accomodates both and token Asian stereotypes... that's only for English people.

So there's point 1. Rowling hates Europe. She clearly wishes for the continent to remain in an ununified and discriminative state. Like, if you will, Hitler.

Another point is that the locations of the school are kept secret.

...so how do people visit? Like the Weasleys, Malfoys, Ministry of Magic officers etc do constantly? Oh, yeah, they just throw some magic fucking dirt into a chimney and go "Hogwarts". WELL WHAT'S TO STOP ANYONE ELSE FROM DOING THAT? And then there's the fact that a gigantic red steam engine, the only of its kind in the entire country, goes directly to it. Which is how Harry and Ron are able to find it. A suggestion - when your school is in a 'secret area' that two twelve-year-olds are able to find easily, something is WRONG.

Also, why are the schools kept secret? Okay, I can understand preventing Muggles from spotting them, but Hermione explains that nobody knows what countries Pretty-Stick and Evilly-Foreign-Sounding-Name are in??? Firstly, doesn't that give the others an advantage? I mean, all the plummy accents and English being spoken when they visit would make it pretty fucking clear that Hogwarts is in England. Secondly... isn't it fairly obvious Beautiful-Rod (Hmm, possible phallic imagery?) is in France? Considering everyone involved in the school have names pasted together from a two-dollar French dictionary and talks like the midget from Fantasy Island. Thirdly... does this not cause a problem for parents thinking about which of THE ONLY THREE wizardry schools available to enrol their child in to go for?

"So, what's the travel distance going to be like?"

"That's classified. No more questions!"

Point 2. Rowling hates parents.

Then there's the fact that these top-secret schools are run by an insane, pants-wetting fool who doesn't even give a shit if his students do any exams, so long as they're adept at fighting demon hellspawn when he invariably causes them to arise within his own premises. I mean, come on, Dumbledore is pretty free with his student's potential lives considering the fact that there's only like, 20-something students in any given year. My class in high-school was bigger than that. And I didn't go to a big high school. In fact, I went to what was apparently one of the smallest on the Central Coast.

So, anyway, you have a school with what seems to be nearly 150 students. Obviously they're going to be the front line of your army when a Dark Lord arises. Especially since te only other armed forces you have our demons that used to work for him. Oh, yeah, can't see anything going wrong with that plan! So you basically have a system that relies entirely on improbably heroic and resourceful teenagers saving the day... and the Prime Minister is kept in the dark? The actual ruler of the country isn't given any briefs at all, nor the power to implement change in what is undoubtedly the most messed up society in the history of creation, something that could be very, very useful. Instead he just gets "The Minister For Magic" (appointed by an entirely different cabinet - HOW CAN A MINISTER HAVE A CABINET? BALLS!) teleporting into his room to explain in intricate detail how badly he has fucked up when he inevitably does, seemingly every second month, but makes sure he does so in a way that the PM is left feeling that it's entirely possible he is hallucinating and so becomes a gibbering vegetable. Good going, Cornelius Fudgepacker. Don't you think the poor bastard had enough to worry about considering there's a war in Iraq without you constantly appearing, going "Oh, Voldemort got away again. And he killed half of my staff... ce las vis, eh?" and then vanishing again?

This is all setting aisde the fact that in Hogwarts all the students learn is black magic, generally for the purposes of living an incredibly lazy life by eliminating all need of manual labour and developing incredibly crafty ways of seeing girls naked (thanks for the cloak, Dumbledore!) and thus do not learn any literacy, numeracy, athletic, social skills. Given that most of the characters in the books seem to be still-born in terms of emotional growth and severely socially retarded, this makes a lot of sense. This suggests that Rowling is aware of the fact that she is illustrating an academic hell, but in a jovial, likeable way wherein any child, no matter how unable he is to make it through a week without irrationally deciding to hate his best friend forever, can save the world nonstop. A place where Asperger's Syndrome doesn't necessarily consign you to a lifetime in the internet, but seems, if anything, to propel you ever higher.

From this we get Point 3. Rowling desires a return to the educational system of the Dark Ages, aka. Rowling hates kids. This is obvious from other aspects, of course, such as the eight-page Ron Weasley sodomy page in Deathly Hallows that I've heard so much about.

Of course, two things are obvious. Firstly, that there are no incidents in Hogwarts relating to teenaged pregnancy or STDs in spite of a complete absence of Sexual Education and the climactic Skins-style Gryffindor sex party in the close of Half-Blood Prince (I haven't read this book either, but I've heard a lot about the FILTH therein) in which the thirty-strong party is gatecrashed by Pati Patel's newly-released Azkaban pen-pals and... well, I don't want to recount what I heard about that scene because it nearly made me physically ill. Especially because I quite liked Ginny. But secondly, the issue that despite not doing any physical activity at all (they float stuff all day long, that's basically it) there is no obesity.

Apart from Neville, but he was apparently born fat and has actually been cast with quite a thin actor in the films just to confuse the hell out of me.

The important thing to note is that no consequences are shown to the truly sick, twisted and depraved lifestyles led by these scurrilous, self-serving BASTARDS who turn a notepad into a mouse and call themselves warlocks. Yet, showing consequence with regard to action is the fundamental cornerstone of all education.

Point 4. Rowling hates Education, and therefore hates The Future.

As clearly exhibited by her own work, BANNED in several places in the world for good reason, for the reasons I have outlined here today, Rowling hates humanity itself.

She is kinda hot, though.

8 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Cutting edge as ever, shaking up the accepted consensus and status quo and making us think for a change.

You are honorarily banned from the DWAD forum.

Meantime, I have started laughing hysterically at the thought of the Minister for Magic teleported into number ten to meet Harold Saxon, who shoots him dead with the laser screwdriver before he can say a word.

...

That mental image makes me laugh, it really does.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

have started laughing hysterically at the thought of the Minister for Magic teleported into number ten to meet Harold Saxon, who shoots him dead with the laser screwdriver before he can say a word.

...bloody hell, I hadn't even thought of that.

Come to think of it, I can only imagine a Cornelius Fudge meeting as described in the books working with Tony Blair. I get the feeling Gordon Brown would beat the living shit out of him...

Youth of Australia said...

Yet... it's still funny!

Imagine it:

GORDON BROWN sits at his desk.
CORNELIUS FUDGE materializes.


Cornelius Fudge
I am the Minister of Magi--

Without looking up from his desk, GORDON BROWN raises a handgun and shoots CORNELIUS FUDGE through the head. He falls to the ground and goes still.
A beat.
Blood spreads.
Pan across to a guy eating pizza.


Pizza Supreme
IT'S DRAMA!

Cameron Mason said...

I remember when The Deathly Hallows was released.

All of the costume clad sa- enthusiasts were at Dymocks counting down to box opening.

We were so busy having a short, jocular conversation about the enthuiasts we missed the time to open the box.

We sold our first copy 15 minutes after the offical launch, to someone who didn't want to queue behind the enthusiasts at Dymocks to get a copy.

Cameron

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

We sold our first copy 15 minutes after the offical launch, to someone who didn't want to queue behind the enthusiasts at Dymocks to get a copy.

...wouldn't he have to have been an enthusiast himself to even be at the launch? The launch was at midnight, wasn't it?

Cameron Mason said...


...wouldn't he have to have been an enthusiast himself to even be at the launch? The launch was at midnight, wasn't it?


It was 9 am in Australia, midnight in the UK.

It was only me and the 2IC in the shop when we opened up our box of Potters at 9:03am...

Cameron

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

OHH, that's right, it was internationally simultaneous to limit spoiler-attacks and pirating the book, wasn't it?

I still have no idea what happens in it, so obviously the end isn't that amazing.

Cameron Mason said...


I still have no idea what happens in it, so obviously the end isn't that amazing.


Well none of the big three characters are killed off, so I found it a bit disappointing...

...

Yes I did read the last page once we opened the book, and spoilt it for everyone - "It ends with a full stop.".

Took me five seconds to come up with that gag...

Cameron