Monday, March 31, 2008

If *I* had written "Doomsday"

Saw a brief bit of Doomsday yesterday, when it was foisted upon me against my consent, but luckily not much. Enough to remind me about how much I dislike it. Which is so much, that I can't actually write a decent version. All I can do is write a ridiculously polar-opposite version to everything that happened on screen. I'm sure there are plenty of miserable, cynical bastards like myself who would prefer to watch this version, though...

(NOTE: Written quite vaguely on my part)



DALEKS: Yeah, whatever we said at the end of part one and stuff.

ROSE: Omg!

MICKEY: True dat.

SINGH: I am too stunned to speak.

(The Cyberleader [David Banks] kicks the door down)

CYBERLEADER: What the fuck is going on in here?

ROSE: Daleks!

CYBERLEADER: Not-Excellent. This is a Cyber story. (to Daleks) You seem to think you are in the homosexual story. That one was three weeks ago. With your boyfriend Marc Warren.

DALEKS: What are you trying to say?

CYBERLEADER: I think you know.

DALEKS: No! WHAT are you trying to say! Make it clear to us, tough guy.

MICKEY: He said you're gay! Jesus Christ...

DALEKS: Oh, so it gonna be like THAT, Tin-Machine?

CYBERLEADER: It be like that for 0.5 seconds because that's your fucking life-expectancy, salt-and-pepper.

DALEKS: Oh, well, I guess we'd better EXTERMINATE!

(Cyberleader is zapped and falls to his knees lifelessly)

DALEKS: We are so cool. See that- he dead. You see that?! What is he?

ROSE: Dead?

DALEKS: Oh, yeah, he... want some audience participation here! WHAT IS HE?

MICKEY: (Sighs) Dead...

SINGH: Actualy, I'm picking up a life sign...

DALEKS: You pick up nothing, man! Unless it's a... erm, what would a gay man pick up?

CYBERLEADER: YOU!

DALEKS: No, something like- oh fuck.

(The Cyberleader punches a fist through both of their casings, causing them to squeal in incomprehensible pain, and he then bashes the two Daleks together, chunks of their casings flying through the air and pieces of their squelchy blue flesh and blood flying through the air. After five minutes their is nothing left)

ROSE: How am I meant to get this out of my hair?

CYBERLEADER: Well, you aren't, are you? You're meant to become like us. Fuck, do I have to go over everything to you people five billion times? And you wonder why I say you need to be upgraded...

(The Doctor runs in, along with some more Cybs)

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, way to go, Leader. Any particular reason you needed the lift to yourself?

CYBERLEADER: No.

THE DOCTOR: You bastard. Anyway, what'd I miss?

CYBERLEADER: Pest control.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, so that's-

ROSE: Dalek.

THE DOCTOR: Right. That makes sense. So... Cybermen win, eh? Blow me, that's a lot of tenners I owe now... wtf?! MICKEY!

MICKEY: Yeah. Travelled through the Universes.

THE DOCTOR: But that's IMPOSSIBLE!

MICKEY: It is?

THE DOCTOR: Yes!!!

MICKEY: Bollocks.

(Mickey vanishes in a puff of logic.)

THE DOCTOR: Two of my deadliest enemies vanquished! Now all I need is some sweet bullion...

CYBERLEADER: Pitiful fleshman! We have upgraded beyond that stage as clearly demonstrated in the canonical serial 'Attack of the Cybermen' as written by Jared Hansen.

THE DOCTOR: Erm, parallel universe, all of that jazz?

CYBERLEADER: It was all a ruse!

THE DOCTOR: My God, that's genius! At least, I think it is because I can't make sense of it...

SINGH: Still here in case you were wondering...

THE DOCTOR: Professor! Oh, proffy proffy proff-proff! Can I call you that?

SINGH: If you believe life is overrated.

THE DOCTOR: Good-good. NOW, what's in the box that the Daleks brought with them, shortly before they suffered genocide at the hands of David, I mean, the Cyberleader?

SINGH: They said it needed a time-traveller to open it.

THE DOCTOR: Ah! There you go, Rose, all yours.

ROSE: Erm... why don't you?

THE DOCTOR: Because I'm sure whatever is in their is so good and benign that it would be a waste of time for the older, more grizzled of the two of us to open it.

ROSE: ...okay.

(She does the open-y thing. And out comes... Maxil! [played by Jared Hansen])

MAXIL: w00t! Word up, motherfuckers, Time Lord in the house!

THE DOCTOR: Hmm, nice physical form, Maxil, I might just have to use that myself...

MAXIL: What a surprise.

THE DOCTOR: Hey, I did that ONCE, okay!

ROSE: WHAT?!? The Time Lords are all dead!!!

MAXIL: It was all a ruse!

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, just like that time I pretended to be Nick Briggs for a month.


====CUTAWAY===

NICK BRIGGS: OR was it ME pretending to be Paul McGann? Food for thought!

(Briggs is tapped on the shoulder, as he turns, he is kneed in the balls by and comes face-to-face with Sylvester McCoy)

McCOY: I believe I have an answer for you, Mister Briggs... though I seem to have written it on the end of my fist...



ROSE: How could you lie to me?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, it's all 'me, me, me' with you, isn't it? I lied to the entire Universe! We needed to make sure the Daleks would never find out that we were all alive all along, because they'd nuke us. Then we wouldn't be all alive all along as you might expect. It was my job to go around being a complete arse, drawing attention to myself so we could find all the Daleks that 'fell through time'. Bloody annoying thing, time. Like a sieve.

MAXIL: A big sieve too. Mothership got through didn't it?

THE DOCTOR: Yep.

MAXIL: Kind of makes blowing up that fake Gallifrey that we built entirely using Block Transfer Computation and the power of Skaro's sun being detonated by The Hand of Omega seem kind of pointless, doesn't it?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, yeah, that's some smooth exposition, mate.

MAXIL: Up yours.

ROSE: You bastard! To think I loved you?!

THE DOCTOR *Snort* You did?

ROSE:... you said you loved me!

MAXIL: It was all a ruse!

THE DOCTOR: Hey, it's MY turn to say that! You seem to be getting all the good lines, in fact...

MAXIL: Hey, poofter! Nice fourth-wall-breaking! Anyway, man, let's go! We've been sitting around in the TARDIS for ages. I'm so sick of hearing 'it's just like a surprise birthday party' it's not funny..

(Maxil goes back into the TARDIS)

ROSE: Right, that's it! We are officially broken up!

THE DOCTOR: You still here? See ya later jail-baiter...

ROSE: No wait!

THE DOCTOR: *sigh* What?

ROSE: Erm.. saving the world?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, right, can't do it.

ROSE: But... that's what you do!

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, normally but, well... I sort of had this deal with the Cybermen.

ROSE: A deal?

CYBERLEADER: It was all a ruse!

THE DOCTOR: Yes, thank you, I was getting to that! See, the Daleks found the bolthole the Time Lords were all in and I needed to make sure I could get it from them. And so, I sort of completely sold-out. Thanks for that, by the way.

CYBERLEADER: No problem. You have given us Earth!

THE DOCTOR: Yes, I noticed. Don't scratch the paint job, though, or you won't get it again. Anyway, this is me, deserting the human race. Bye Rose, proffy-proffy proff proff!

SINGH: OOH!

(The Doctor goes into the TARDIS and it dematerialises. Rose bursts into tears.)

CYBERLEADER: Excellent. Excellent excellent excellent excellentexcellentexcellent. Totally excellent.

CYBERMAN: I love a happy ending.

5 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Well, I've always been ambivalent about Doomsday, since there simply isn't justice to do the Cyb/Dalek war AND get rid of Rose (and come on, it's called DOOMSDAY and only three people die! And one's extra! And the other two are evil!).

I was dispirited to note the only scene cut that meant a damn was the Doctor panicking and begging the Cyberleader to let him go. Not to fight the Daleks or save the Earth, he just wants to run away.

So, anyway, yeah. This is...

How do I describe it without repeating myself? Brilliant? Clever? Witty? Everything The Kingmaker* wanted to be and instead ended up T-bagging the corpse of?

In one blogpost, you defeat me.

And, seriously, the official Attack has got nothing on its side any more...


*which I've nearly done as Doctor Who Discovers Bloody Mystery Bloody Tower Bloody Smug Fuck Writing It

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, I've always been ambivalent about Doomsday, since there simply isn't justice to do the Cyb/Dalek war AND get rid of Rose

That's a good point - far too much event for one episode.

Which is why my version sidesteps all of the events entirely! IT IS A MASTERPIECE!

(and come on, it's called DOOMSDAY and only three people die! And one's extra! And the other two are evil!).

Hmm, good point. Who'd have thought a Dalek-Cybermen battle would have so few civilian casualties!.. hang on, I can only think of Singh and Yvonne. Are they the 'evil' ones you mentioned?

(I can't really remember Singh doing anything evil...)

I was dispirited to note the only scene cut that meant a damn was the Doctor panicking and begging the Cyberleader to let him go. Not to fight the Daleks or save the Earth, he just wants to run away.

*Cough* Spinless *Cough*

And, seriously, the official Attack has got nothing on its side any more...

I only re-wrote it because the original pissed me off.

which I've nearly done as Doctor Who Discovers Bloody Mystery Bloody Tower Bloody Smug Fuck Writing It

Wow. After yesterday I got the vibe that that would never be done.

Personally, I was thinking, after you brought up all the Peri-is-stupid jokes in it, having Peri acting like a super-genius throughout the story and correctly guessing all the retarded twists through ridiculous leaps of logic.

"Hmm, clearly you're trying to mislead me into believing you are The Master but I couldn't help but notice a lack of increase in the mean of your blink rate per minute when we met suggesting a lack of recognition on your part. Furthermore, you are clearly well known, bearded, educated and come from the North country. Obviously you are William Shakespeare."

"Actually, Doctor, that isn't a message from your past self at all, but it's clear from the unnatural tone and pitch that it's the work of an impersonator with only rudimentary vocal skills."

Stuff like that.

Youth of Australia said...

That's a good point - far too much event for one episode.
They should made it a three parter and scrapped Idiot's Lantern.

Which is why my version sidesteps all of the events entirely! IT IS A MASTERPIECE!
Yeah, that too.

Hmm, good point. Who'd have thought a Dalek-Cybermen battle would have so few civilian casualties!.. hang on, I can only think of Singh and Yvonne. Are they the 'evil' ones you mentioned?
Yes. The third person is the lady in the street shot by the Dalek in the trailer.

(I can't really remember Singh doing anything evil...)
Well, he works for Torchwood, so he's probably a drug-addicted multiple rapist with mother issues.

*Cough* Spinless *Cough*
Well acted though, and does explain the "Emotions destroy you" line, which makes more sense as a put down after a long, sobbing speech from DT. As it is, he just seems to wander up and say, "Hey poofter! YOU SUCK!"

I only re-wrote it because the original pissed me off.
I was just thinking what we would have lost if the BBC torched Attack but kept Tenth Planet.

Didn't find anything.

Wow. After yesterday I got the vibe that that would never be done.
I never react the right way.
And it's up.
But you might not know this, but I don't actually like the source material, an attitude I fear doesn't come across strongly enough in the parody.

Personally, I was thinking, after you brought up all the Peri-is-stupid jokes in it, having Peri acting like a super-genius throughout the story and correctly guessing all the retarded twists through ridiculous leaps of logic.
...damn. Never thought of that.

"Hmm, clearly you're trying to mislead me into believing you are The Master but I couldn't help but notice a lack of increase in the mean of your blink rate per minute when we met suggesting a lack of recognition on your part. Furthermore, you are clearly well known, bearded, educated and come from the North country. Obviously you are William Shakespeare."
"Actually, Doctor, that isn't a message from your past self at all, but it's clear from the unnatural tone and pitch that it's the work of an impersonator with only rudimentary vocal skills."
Stuff like that.

FUCK!

That is SO much better than what I had sorted out! Which was ten pages of all-out abuse against the author...

But how can you win when

At this point Peri loudly shouts that they’re standing RIGHT in front of her and she can hear all their evil plots.

So Shakespeare suggests they shoot Peri and Eminem right away.

The time travelers flee into the castle as Eminem bitches loudly at her companion’s complete and soul-destroying stupidity.


is EXACTLY what happens in the genuine story?!

Peri: It's probably nothing.
Eminem: Do you really think so? I mean, do you really, honest to Ra think that after all we've been through and the kind of luck we have that it's probably nothing?
Peri: Yeah.
Eminem: You are very, very stupid.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well acted though, and does explain the "Emotions destroy you" line, which makes more sense as a put down after a long, sobbing speech from DT. As it is, he just seems to wander up and say, "Hey poofter! YOU SUCK!"

Oh, yeah, THAT bit. One of those scenes that just has 'bad editing' written all over it...

But you might not know this, but I don't actually like the source material, an attitude I fear doesn't come across strongly enough in the parody.

You've made that quite clear. And even if you hadn't, I think "doesn’t so much insult the intelligence of the audience as drag their intelligence into the bathroom, blindfold it, rape it three times, shoot it through the back of the head and bury the remains in separate graves at the bottom of the back garden!" would have tipped me off.

That is SO much better than what I had sorted out! Which was ten pages of all-out abuse against the author...

Well, it made me laugh my arse off.

But how can you win when...is EXACTLY what happens in the genuine story?!

*Blows out cheeks* That is retarded.

As a Peri fan, I am still REALLY confused about all the jokes about her being stupid. I could understand Gary Russell doing those jokes directed at Leela. I could understand them being directed at Ace, even. But Peri never shows any signs of below-average intelligence! Jo Grant is the bimbo companion - and even SHE is never made fun of for it!

I think it has to be just because she's an American.

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, yeah, THAT bit. One of those scenes that just has 'bad editing' written all over it...
It's great seeing the commentary where DT and BP review that scene and go, "Wait a minute, they just left in the punch line, that's rubbish, you like a muppet!"

You've made that quite clear. And even if you hadn't, I think "doesn’t so much insult the intelligence of the audience as drag their intelligence into the bathroom, blindfold it, rape it three times, shoot it through the back of the head and bury the remains in separate graves at the bottom of the back garden!" would have tipped me off.
Oh, yeah. Forgot I externalized that thought.

Well, it made me laugh my arse off.
And that's what it's for!

*Blows out cheeks* That is retarded.
As a Peri fan, I am still REALLY confused about all the jokes about her being stupid. I could understand Gary Russell doing those jokes directed at Leela. I could understand them being directed at Ace, even. But Peri never shows any signs of below-average intelligence! Jo Grant is the bimbo companion - and even SHE is never made fun of for it!
I think it has to be just because she's an American.


Must be. I couldn't bring myself to touch the scene where Peri has a lightbulb over her head and tells Erimem, "Hey, we could save the Princes and change the entire course of history! That'd be neat!" which leads to a Black Books type scene with Erimem shrieking abuse at Peri along the lines of, "You know what you are, you're a pair of tits with an idiot hanging off it!!!"

Or the scene where Erimem goes to Peri, "Let's kill ourselves so I don't have to listen to your stupid whining bitching? That'd be fun, wouldn't it, Peri!"
"Gee whizz, it sure would! Hey, wait a minute, are you joking?"
"No."