Saturday, May 31, 2008

How to get into porn

Okay... this may be in poor taste but I'm posting it anyway. If this blog hasn't been 'flagged' (And, I'm pretty sure it has been already) this will definitely get it over the line. While exploring some, entirely non-porn, websites I could believe my misfortune when I did stumble into a den of explicity the homepage of an apparently prolific and gifted actress "Sexy Samantha 38G" (I'm sure you can work out the logic behind that nomenclature...) where she has an open letter addressed to all of the guys who email her asking if she can help them 'get started in the porn industry' (read, have sex with them in order to give them something to brag about to their online porn buddies and J.O Bros.) The response is slightly more eloquent than you think would be necessary, a list of requirements for breaking into the porn industry as 'male talent'. If Chris Hale is still reading, please take note.

I get many emails from guys wanting to be male talent. Good Fucking LUCK!!!!

See, I believe that's all that was necessary. But now..

1. Must live in LA (No one is going to relocate the whole porn industry to fit your needs. LOL Some men actually think they can have a career in porn living in the middle of no where. Fantasy Land LOL)

The revelation that all porn is made in LA surprises me. Now I want to know where the "German dungeon" district of L.A is...

2. 8 inches or MORE

2.8? Really? Oh, sorry, my bad. Again, this makes me curious about that Japanese porn I've... er, heard so much about.

3. Wash board abs and in great shape.

...again, this is contradicted by the evidence of my own eyes a dozen times over.

But if you have 10 or 12 inch dicks, then alot can be forgiven body wise.

Ah, there we go. For the record, the 'alot' that can be forgiven is 'looking like The Womp'.

4. A hot chic

You need an elusive chic, a Je-nous se-quai... and more than that - IT NEEDS TO BE HOT.

Must be able to find and recruit new female talent. And have them request you for all their shoots. (If you can't get laid, then porn isn't the way to guarantee you will get laid on a regular basis. It is guys with game, guys with charm or a lot of money who can get chics all on his own who make it in this business.)

Now I guess it's good that she's put this down in writing, because it really does illustrate how much the porn industry sucks.

She, the logic behind most guys endeavours into the industry clearly runs thus:

1. I am not getting laid

2. Not many guys would agree to do it on camera, so if I do that, I get laid.

Whereas the reality seems to be

1. I am getting laid

2. Hell, I'm getting laid so much that I'm going to take sell my entourage of hot babes into slaver where they can be gang-banged by Womp clones with much bigger penises.

3. I am not getting laid now... something has gone wrong here...

5. Ability to perform with many people in the room. Ability to perform on camera.

REALLY?

6. Gang Bangs or open calls are a way most get started.

What happens if all the guys forget to bring their own hot chics?

7. Ability to perform with all body types and attitudes of females. Can't pick and choose who you work with, this is no fantasy. But reality, and there is a product to be made. No one cares about your preferrence in females.

... what? A minute ago you were to tell me that the industry was a purely Bring Your Own Bitch affair. So, what, they take the hot chicks off you, herd you into a dark room and say "Yeah, you're doing a shot for FatGrannies.com today..."

8. Ability to network

... proof that EVERY job requires you to apparently do this. Whatever it is..

9. Improve acting skills

LMAO. A lot of people clearly skip this step.

10. A sense of humor, this job is way harder than you can ever imagine.

"You don't have to be mad to work in porn... BUT IT HELPS! AHAHAHAHA!"

11. Try googling adult jobs or sex jobs and such. I can't do all the work for you.

Whoa, sorry Sexy Samantha. I was about to ask you to do the Googling for me...

12. Ability to pop when the director tells you to and not before hand. A good large pop is required.

Pop what? Pimples?

Yeah, I know what she means, but... she's been working in the industry for [apparently] 8 years and... 'pop'. No other terminology for that? It got me imagining if the whole article was in this style...

"Your weenie needs to go stretchbusters, Mister!"

13. Aims-HIV and STD test

...fuck.

14. On time, prompt, clean and a few different outfits for the scene.

15. Ability to listen and take direction well.


Yeah, these two make sense...

16. Patiences lots and lots of patiences.

What? Where can I buy more patiences? I only have one!

Some scenes are shot in 2 hours, some take all day long.

...TWO HOURS?

Is directed this, demanding re-take after re-take?

17. Ability to perform while the husband/boyfriend is staring you down.

So.. that's there idea of a good day out? Standing in the corner and glaring - for A MINIMUM OF TWO HOURS - at a guy having sex with your girlfriend?

Of course, it could just be the guy who's about to herded off into FatGrannies.com and is in a bad mood...

18. Yes, you have to show your face. LOL

Hey, it isn't that funny. I can think of some porn where if they didn't it would be an improvement.

Also... leather gimp-masks are out? Damn. I've got to give mine to the Salvos..

19. Don't be the creepy guy on the sets.

What? You've got boyfriends just standing in the corner trying to kill people with telekinetic powers, and you're worried about ME being the creepy guy?



Do you know me or what?

20. Make the female talent no matter what she looks like feel like a sex goddess. Help build the attraction and chemistry to make for a super hot scene.

Well, I can see how she was talking about the industry being difficult. You're banging away, thinking "Don't pop, don't pop, don't pop!", your actual girlfriend is in the next room being done over by The Womp clones, Robert Altman is yelling directions at you through a megaphone, the boyfriend is plotting to kill you, you've got lots of 'networking' to catch up on that night and you need to make the fat granny underneath you feel like 'a goddess'. Presumably without sarificing a lamb, because that would make you 'the creepy guy'.

It's a cruel world!

13 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Isn't it, just?

I'm surprised you didn't tag this as "Verkoff Files". Verkoff, after all, rhymes...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I'm surprised you didn't tag this as "Verkoff Files".

Well, I don't know if I'm going to re-open the file in the future...

Youth of Australia said...

Assuming it CAN be open and hasn't stuck together for all eternity...

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