Thursday, May 29, 2008

Jared reviews The Poison Sky!

Do you like that explanation point I put in the titles? I like to think it makes these reviews of three-week-old stories seem really exciting..

0:12 - Although I dislike recaps in general, I have to say that I have a Tennant-for-shops style love of the reeeeally goofy new bits of music that Murray Gold puts underneath them for some reason. Remember the recap at the beginning of Aliens of London where it was just Murray going insane on a xylophone coupled with a shot of Mickey trying to breakdance in front of Rose? I mean, it pissed me off at the time, but surely that should win some award for the most ridiculous way to begin an episode of Doctor Who.

Second on the list would probably be Martha, supposedly making a phonecall, looking at the camera and saying "Doctor, I'm bringing you back to Earth!" while grinning slightly creepily while trombones go apoplectic somewhere in her vicintiy. (Ooh er!) So who directed this? As usual I didn't check, but I like to believe it was the same bloke who did R. Kelly's "Real Talk" clip because of the similar exercises of 'on the phone' acting used in both.

0:23 - ...didn't they just cut out the 'battle' in '10th Sontaran Battle Fleet'? Are they THAT pressed for time? Or am I just insane?

0:26 - ...and we needed that shot of Ross giving the Doctor a slightly homoerotic look as their range rover bumps up and down?

0:59 - And for the record, recapping the identity of Ross was apparently far more important than explaining who the hell Luke Rattigan is... these are just meant as a memory-tripping exercise rather than actually EXPLAINING anything, surely?

1:18 - AND THE COOK FROM HORNBLOWER!

1:31 - Christ, for a moment I forgot Helen Raynor wrote this one... okay, I'm just using stalling tactics now...

1:48 - ... I hope they're not expecting me to respect Mama Bitch just because she saved Cribbins' life. But at least that axe finally found a use aside from improvised vasectomies.

1:53 - An axe is also the swiftest cure for poisoning.

2:03 - "We can't escape, take the soldiers into the factory!" ... to quote YOA - SHOW YOUR WORKING!

2:14 - For the record I am choosing to imagine that that is either Coproal Bell's daughter, neice, or baby sister.

2:16 - As this map shows, Communism is also rapidly spreading.

3:47 - ..good work 'for a female'? ... okay, she's a GM creature, so technically isn't really a female at all apart from basic form. Also SONTARANS AREN'T SEXIST!!! How, HOW can this have slipped through TWICE? Did Raynor watch ANY Sontaran stories to draw from? At least The Time Warrior, where it's revealed that they're just colour-blind to this sort of thing? I don't know...

4:05 - Oh, so THAT'S what the news chick from Dead Ringers looks like in real life. Doctor Who can be so educational...

4:18 - Incidentally... is anybody else finding this whole format tedious? I'm getting pretty sick of every threat the Doctor faces being a global one, and this being demonstrated through either unconvincing stock footage or lengthy montages of news reports. It isn't exactly predictable but it isn't very stimulating seeing the exact same token scenes in a story like this. The show really has become very 'format' in this regard, at least with the alien invasion stories... still, this could be down to the fact that this is just a poorly-written one..

4:54 - "Yeah, maybe we can get sentimental after the world's finished choking to death!" Donna... I love you. Fight the format, babe, fight the format! If we had Donna onboard, Doomsday would have ran for about 20 minutes tops. And it would have been AWESOME.

5:11 - Wouldn't it be the most mind-blowing plot twist ever if Donna was to find that while they were out, ATMOS had been installed in the TARDIS?!? MWUHAHAHA! Man, I want to write that script..

6:21 - "It's time I made a move, sir.... are you busy tomorrow night?"

"I shall be drinking the broth of victory for the skulls of your puny leaders!"

"Oh. The night after?"

"No. I will be with Sir Justin Timberlake."

"...can I come?"

"NEVER!"

6:37 - Oh, so they ARE just humouring Luke. Thaaaank God. I would never be able to respect the Sontarans again if they were taking him seriously..

6:50 - Yeah, the Doctor can taste the 'tang' of a Trans-Mat even through billowing clouds of poison smoke. I buy that.

7:04 - "I'm stuck on Earth like... a human. How RUBBISH IS THAT?" Comment on Eccleston's season? Hmmm...

Also, you going to sit around, crying into your hot ebonic sidekick etc.

7:27 - w00t! The Doctor has sussed that it isn't really Martha thanks to some of the little clues! Oh, thank God it was really irritating me.

7:33 - ... wait, or has he?

7:39 - Incidentally this 'Hitler Youth' army looks rather a lot more like the crowd you'd expect at a Devo concert.

8:03 - ... 'not high for fighting'WHAT??

8:22 - Captain Marian Price, eh? Definitely the niece..

8:40 - "I earned that a long time ago..." Hmmm, let's see...Ambassadors of Death, would it be?

8:42 - Whoah, hang the fuck on. UNIT's communicators... don't work without jabbing a sonic screwdriver into them? I find that very, very VERY difficult to believe. In fact, my only conclusion is that the Doctor is going off the deep end and is getting a buzz out of sticking it inside absolutely everything that he can.

8:45 - Oh, he uses it to make a hologram! That makes so much MORE sense!!!!!! (Number of exclamation points is an indicator to the degree of sarcasm being used.)

8:48 - And THAT is the bit with Rose everyone was going on about? Pathetic. Well, maybe not exactly but there were all those "DId I just see Rose???" threads. This rises the question.. how bad is the average New Series fan on OG (That is, braindead fifteen year olds who clog up threads with near illegible posts thanks to their complete lack of a grasp on the English language) at watching things. Do their minds process at two frames per second or what? Because from the very existence of those threads, I assumed that there was a brief second glimpse of her face on the scanner in the background of a scene, while Donna and the Doctor are talking about something else entirely. But no. This is a GIGANTIC close up.

Times like this I wish that the internet was a highly volative quantity, so that morons would be unable to use it without it exploding in their faces. I know it's complete snobbery to say this but I really don't care, it's the feeling you get when talking to somebody over a point of mutual interest and a four year old runs into the room yelling their head off about... I dunno, what are young people into? Hentai?

8:57 - And of course they don't know what Sontarans even look like FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!

I think I'll sit down with a copy of Robot to admire how efficient and well-informed UNIT used to be..

9:47 - Rutans? RutanS?? RutanS???

Did David A. McIntee do all his hard work on the one good bit in Lords of the Storm just for you to piss it all up against the wall? No, Rutans this and Rutans that.

Of course it was already contradicted in The Two Doctors so I guess I may as well drink myself into oblivion.

10:10 - Hehe, he swtiched to cartoons. I was thinking that he would just mute them, but that's going one better.

A good time to reflect on how all of Raynor's character bits (save for the Doctor becoming rabid whenever he sees somebody from Hornblower) actually work really well, but somehow everything else manages to suck to the point you wish Sparacus was writing the plots for her.

10:28 - "First Sontarans in history to capture a TARDIS!"

That isn't inaccurate insofar as I can tell (A case could be made for the poolside antics of Invasion of Time, I suppose...) but I just wanted to take a minute to check if that contradicted with any of my own fanfic ideas.

And it doesn't! Hurrah!

10:52 - "All you have communicated is your distress, Doctor!" Love it. Absolutely love it.

11:29 - "All this... INVENTION!" Worst Tom Baker impersonation ever.

11:54 - Ah, so it IS Eugenics. Mighty Rattigan will create a new MASTER RACE, of the pudgiest and most pale human beings ever!

I think this entire scheme is so he can laid. Points for originality, though.

12:35 - Luke really didn't think this through did he?

"COME WITH ME TO ANOTHER PLANET!!!"

"Erm... no, it's not for us"

"I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!"

13:22 - Yeah, I.. don't know what to make of this. How does this figure into Sontaran plans exactly? I want more Sontarans from this episode, less Revenge of the Nerds...

13:32 - "Kastar 36... you're just sick... you know that's my mum's name..."

13:58 - Ooh, Australia finally made one of those shots.

14:50 - "All those things they said about pollution and ozone.. they're really happening, aren't they?" Nice and subtle. And from now, Sylvia, it's a strict vegetarian diet for both of us.

14:56 - "Oh, like you'd know, you're so clever!" ..is she physically unable to be nice for more than a few seconds? Urge to kill rising...

16:01 - Cribbins rocks. But then you already knew that.

16:57 - Erm, didn't the Doctor say that nothing would happen if the bomb hit? Why is this so melodramatic?

18:12 - ...after all that IT DIDN'T EVEN LAUNCH??? Man... I am so tempted to give up on this right now..

18:24 - Have you figured it out yet, Doctor? What the hell is going on here?

19:01 - A tribute to the olden days that there's only four UNIT soldiers to meet the alien attack?

20:something - Hey, what if it had been a UNIT guy that the Doctor hadn't happened to meet? Then he wouldn't have been able to be so high-and-mighty. I would have liked that.

Oh, wait let's go one better...

THE DOCTOR: He wasn't Greyhound40.. he was Ross.

ROSS (V.O) Hey!

(The Doctor looks around and sees Ross in the corner, looking very pissed off)

THE DOCTOR: Oh. Well it sounded like you...

ROSS: He was Glaswegian...

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well, you're near Glasgow aren't you?

ROSS: I'm from Cornwall!

THE DOCTOR: ... you really think you're better than me, don't you?

20:17 - I'm also keeping track and those two really obviously hypnotised soldiers are yet to do anything of use to the Sontaran cause since converting Martha, in spite of the ton of weird orders they've been receiving.

20:27 - ...and now they're dead.

20:32 - Speelfox? Stop putting in references, Raynor, and write a decent fucking plot!

20:49 - "This isn't war, this is SPORT!" is probably my favourite ever Sontaran line. Why did it have to be in this story?

21:03 - "No offense"

"None taken"

Observe how blatantly Mace lies through his teeth there..

21:09 - What...

...the...

...fuck.

The Brig has been knighted. That's good.

He's... stranded in Peru.

Despite being retired for AT LEAST NINETEEN years. And having been designated to a desk job in Geneva for umpteen years BEFORE that.

I guess this is some sort of twisted setup for a return appearance of The Brig.

But seriously, what the fuck? Is this some new policy to write out characters as missing in some obscure country, following on from Torchwood going on 'a wild goose chase' in the Himalayas?

"Do you think Martha could help us?"

"I don't think so, Donna. Last I heard she was helping with a police action in The King James Islands..."

21:45 - I wouldn't have thought much imagination would be necessary to believe in aliens by this stage...

21:58 - ...okay, this whole Rattigan Logans-Run subplot is turning into complete bullshit. They wanted Rattigan to lure the students onto the mothership... just so they could kill them all?

22:14 - "We only needed you for installation of the ATMOS system!" So, WHY is he still alive?

25:35 - "You've got three fingers" "Oh yeah!"

Lol. Whoever said Catherine Tate wouldn't be good should be hanging there heads in shame. This stuff is all really, really good, btw. Brilliant character-building for Donna and genuinely tense. Not enough real tension in the new series but this sneaking-around-on-the-mothership does the trick nicely..

25:45 - Could David Tennant find a way to make "Coooor, you're brilliant you are!" look more like an obscene phone-call?

25:49 - And again, I really love Donna. Her complete lack of patience for any of the Doctor's catchphrases is mightily endearing. It makes me wonder how Tegan worked so badly when it's such a similar idea...

26:35 - "Are you my mummy?" ...seriously, is this Gary Russell at work? The amount of references in this are obscene. I like a good reference but we're heading towards Quantum Archangel levels...

27:20 - Sontar! NOT Sontara! Well, David A. McIntee got some etymology in there afterall...

27:40 - "It's The Valiant!" Thanks, I'd already worked that out...

27:52 - "With engines strong enough to clear away the fog!" ...and that.

28:14 - With all the fuss about petrol prices going up, people haven't noticed how cheap Death Stars have gotten..

Incidentally, if you pause the video at that point you will see that the explosion looks amazingly fake. Double the Fist fake. Which I guess is why we have these new-fangled moving pictures...

28:29 - Yes! YES! A battle where the good guys can actually fight back! It's something that I've really moaned about in the New Series, especially in every recent Dalek stories where the 'action' can be summed up by dozens of extras shooting at the Daleks for about ten minutes while they stand perfectly still, but the Classic series is equally guilty of it, especially in the UNIT stories.

At the same time I find it a bit sad that this is the second story where UNIT can actually destroy the menace on their own terms (The first being the really quite lame The Seeds of Doom) and that neither of them had The Brig presiding over the United Nations arse-kicking.

28:38 - I swear Mace says that they need to "Reach the Norg security!" At which point the Doctor decides to phone Donna. Insert your own joke here.

Btw, heated battle involving massive gunfire exchanges and a full battalion of troops running around in a factory - good time to make a phonecall yea or nay?

29:37 - So the Doctor DID know it was a fake Martha!... he just decided to do sweet F.A about it.

WHY???

30:07 - Okay that explanation actually made sense. Fuckers.

How is she a 'triple-agent', though? She's pretending to work for UNIT and is actually... no wait, I get it. Man, forget I wrote anything...

30:22 - ... and the clone's memories are stored in her heart? Thank Christ the script's gone back to making no sense, I can deal with this..

31:00 - And David Brent's Sontaran cousin gets the shit blown out of him unceremoniously. Now I'm tired of seeing UNIT getting to win for a change and just pissed off that the Sonts are so easily disposed of.

I point this out because ALL of my favourite DW monsters have suffered this ignominy - The Ice Warriors in Monster *Spit!* of Peladon and The Cybermen in Doom*spit!*Day. I guess the Sontarans also got their arses handed to them in The Two Doctors but at least Bob Holmes knew how to make it FUNNY!

31:25 - And now Martha's going to make her clone turn good... mehh. Emo ahoy.

31:28 - "THE GAS, TELL US ABOUT THE GAS!!!" The Doctor's seriously impatient... hang on, this episode's over in fourteen minutes...

I'm with him! Explain the fucking plot!

31:48 - Clone...feed.

Why do I get the sudden feeling that this is about to go further downhill?

31:53 - "That's why they're not invading, they're changing the atmosphere!!" - wasn't that fairly obvious?

32:08 - THAT EXPLANATION MAKES NO SENSE!! Why not invade, crushing the humans easily with their military might, and THEN turn it into a barracks-planet? From what we've seen that would also make the Sontarans a lot happier...

34:22 - Did that Sontaran just refer to Donna as "the Doctor's wife"? Heh. That is actually amusing. I mean, I could barely hear it because of the muffled sound but it's an application of that bewildering running joke that succeeds in being funny.

34:53 - What? Wilf is Sylvia's dad? I thought he had to be the paternal grandfather for sure, the way that bitch treated him. This plot twist is more mind-boggling than anything else in the episode full stop...

35:26 - If anyone even cares enough for me to point out one of a billion plotholes... why would the Sontarans need a human nuclear missile, bouncing off their ship, to ignite the atmosphere? That IS what the Doctor just garbled then, isn't it? I feel like giving up entirely here...

35:44 - Clone...pods. Yeah, that's it, I have officially given up.

36:31 - Oh so the Doctor was saying that HE wanted to ignite the atmosphere.

And THAT'S why everyone hates this ep.

Nothing else is necessary here, right? Igniting the atmosphere to save the day? Nope? Cut and dried? Good.

36:34 - Man, Corporal Bell's neice is hot.

36:47 - "What's happening?" "The Doctor has stolen the Earth and put it in a book" "What? MIIIIIILES!!!"

37:05 - Sorry, I can't help myself - oxygen burns. Oxygen.

Fuck your two kids in a bathtub, Mary Whitehouse, now I'm worried about kids trying to fix global warming with napalm strikes...

37:30 - I can't help, it I really can't - we should be seeing Threads 2 right now, for fuck's sake!

37:48 - Please note that the gas is still visible around the Rattigan Academy.

38:37 - Please note that the Doctor is a gigantic hypocrite.

38:49 - "Put it on a delay!" "I can't" FOR THE LOVE OF LED ZEPPELIN YOU BUILT IT YOU FARRKIN' PLONKER! In an episode of Mythbusters it takes them like 10 minutes to build a delay into one of their devices, and, hey, I like to think that the Doctor has a bit more wits in him than Tori Bellaci does..

38:54 - Whoop, spoke too soon. I'm clearly way too acclimitised with terrible writing at the moment..

39:56 - Nice Mexican stand-off whatever but a thought just occured to me... igniting the atmosphere on the Sontaran ship will kill all of them. But igniting Earth's atmosphere doesn't even damage The Valiant.

40:32 - Not even the Sontarans can escape the most basic universal truth.. being killed by the Doctor is cool. Being killed by a spotty, young Leonard Nimoy look-a-like who is literally wearing a red shirt, really, really isn't.

40:42 -Oh! The engines of the ship explode as well! Ha ha, this episode is so well thought-out all round! Author, author! Never mind this shot gun, it's simply for controlling the mobs of appreciative fans...

41:59 - Wilf needs to travel in the TARDIS. He is just awesome.

Oh... this is completely unrelated to that, I just realised that he HAD to be the maternal grandfather or his last name would be 'Noble' instead of 'Mott'. Drawn into a corner there, weren't they?

But anyway, I have been blown away by how good Bernard Cribbins has been in this. He's just known as a comedy actor - hell, before Doctor Who I only knew him as "The Spoon Salesman" from that really brilliant episode of Fawlty Towers - and he certainly played up to that rep in his cameo in Voyage of the Damned... but wow. He is a really, really good actor. So's Catherine Tait of course, but I never doubted that...

What's really interesting is that Cribbins (I hope this isn't a mistake on my part because it would make me look like an idiot) was considered for the role of the Fourth Doctor. When I read that I sort of snorted in derision, thinking "That totally wouldn't work..." but now I have to wonder... it could have been pretty awesome.

So, who are the alternate Doctors we have to choose from....

4 - Bernard Cribbins
6 - Michael Keating / Brian Blessed
7 - Tony Robinson
8 - every British actor alive and working in 1996 and a few who weren't.
9 - Hugh Grant
10 - Eddie Izzard

Oh, and I guess for #2 we have Patrick Troughton again, but in black face doing a mystifying Jack Sparrow impression.

Better, worse, or war crime? Discuss.

43:08 - Okay, Doc... the hand thing... getting kinda creepy now. I guess you can't trust it with anyone else but... well, it's a fire hazard if nothing else. Somebody could really easily trip over that where it is...

43:35 - And that cliffhanger did nothing for me. Big surprise...


To sum up... I don't know I think my opinions have become clear. This story started off bad, and got worse. In fact, you know what my summary is? That scene in Rumble in the Bronx where Jackie Chan walks into the strange warehouse full of stoners where that girl apparently lives, takes one look at the stoners, and yells "YOU PEOPLE ARE GARBAGE!!" and the ensuing ten minute fight scene. This really makes me appreciate Lords of the Storm.. But then, the real tragedy is that this script contains some brilliant, glimmering gems of moments among the dross and has been lovingly produced. So in all good consciousness I can't give it the 1 or 2 my gut feelings tell me that it deserves..

3/10

(But I can come close)

WHAT THOSE OTHER LOSERS THOUGHT...

OGer Response: Is is just me, but does anyone else think that the very obvious yet subtle shots of Donna over the last 10-15 mins of The Poison Sky that showed her wearing blue nail varnish mean anything?

(Good to see we've got our priorities straight..)

Asiophile Response: I just realised I think in every season there has been a reference to Japan somewhere.
Series 1- Doctor and rose escape Kyoto Japan
Series 2- Japanese girls on TV talking about ghosts
series 3- Japan wiped out by the Toclafane
Series 4- First deaths recorded in Japan (Tokyo)

Wonder if someones got a certain liking to this particular nation (cant blame him, it rocks)

Eye of Horus Response: Zilch.

IMDBer Response: Wilf is more Tom Cruise than Luke.

Paraphrased Lawrence Miles Response: Not bad, actually.

(Well, I did say 'paraphrased'...)

Ewen Campion-Clarke Response: I refuse to even acknowledge that episode exists...

(Not that you're a loser, you understand..)

Dancercisist Cuisiniophile Response: Go Colonel Mace! LOVED his "you will face me line". I was literally dancing around.

Spara's Baffling Response: This episode , like 'Planet of the Ood', marks a welcome return to the ethical zeitgeist of the Pertwee & Davison eras....However the Doctor seemed to genuinely care when that very attractive young UNIT soldier got killed which was nice.

Fans of Blank TV Screens Response: I really wasn't keen. Too much fake emotional issues and too much shooty-shooty stuff. shame.



Next Time - Everyone turns around in slow-motion making weird sucking noises... lizards who stretch their mouths with beer glasses... Peter Davison's daughter is hot... oh, and can flip like Daryl Hannah in Bladerunner... oh, and beat up lizard people... and blow up barrels of petrol... Donna promises to mate with the Doctor if he enters a gymnastics competition against his daughter... INCEST no wait she's kissing somebody else.. is that really meant to surprise me? Now I'm imagining one of the McGann sisters saying "I'll use my ancient Time Lord power of snogging a complete stranger!" ... "She's my daughter!" Hey, I wonder if that will turn out to be as accurate as "It's volcano day!"? ...is there a reason why the Doctor's daughter would be an unbelievably hot arse-kicking machine?

7 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Do you like that explanation point I put in the titles? I like to think it makes these reviews of three-week-old stories seem really exciting..
Oh it works!


1:48 - ... I hope they're not expecting me to respect Mama Bitch just because she saved Cribbins' life.
That whole concept reminds me very much of the DWADs - to make a completely retard and stupid character (Sylvia/the Master) work, you have to make everyone else lobotomized woodlice who stand around drooling. Come on, Donna not at least SUGGESTING they break a window?!

to quote YOA - SHOW YOUR WORKING!
Oh yeah. Immmmmmmortality.

Also SONTARANS AREN'T SEXIST!!! How, HOW can this have slipped through TWICE?
I thought for a moment, that the Sontarans (well, these ones anyway) were basing their view on human society through what Rattigan told them, and thus had the impression that ALL girls were stupid goodfornothings unable to do a damn thing. Then I thought again, and that wasn't the answer either... but maybe Rattigan acted such a sexist, that Stahl is taking the piss out of him. When he says "for a FEMALE!" to his fellow Sontarans, it's like "From BEYOND THE GRAVE!" and they all laugh.

...Raynor, seriously, you narceleptic or something? It would explain why it turns crap if you pass out on the keyboard every few minutes...

I'm getting pretty sick of every threat the Doctor faces being a global one, and this being demonstrated through either unconvincing stock footage or lengthy montages of news reports.
Mmm. Yeah. I mean, fair enough "Sontarans = global catastrophe" but I think the last story NOT to = global catastrophe was 42. The Family of Blood and Weeping Angels and the Master were all a threat to the universe, as was the Fifth Doctor's TARDIS... and the Titanic threatened all of Earth and the Pyrovillians threatened all of Earth and the Ood threatened three galaxies and, NO! Wait! The Adipose threatened only the fatties of London. But still. Mind you, the next two stories are small scale in that regard.

It isn't exactly predictable but it isn't very stimulating seeing the exact same token scenes in a story like this.
I suppose but remember, Raynor's doing this rather than RTD. I just noticed the brilliant satire in Sound of the Drums where the English newsreader says "Saxon generously lets Winters do the talking" and the American says "Saxon forces into humiliating backdown" and the Japanese newsreader says, "STOP WATCHING THIS SHIT! WHAT ARE YOU? CAPITALISTS!"

Donna... I love you.
So do I. And the way the Doctor is clearly going, "Well, yeah, you're right, but... this is a BIG THING! All the other girls got emotional! EVEN ACE!"

Man, I want to write that script..
Terry Nation would have had Donna risking suffocation, ala Planet of the Daleks...

Comment on Eccleston's season? Hmmm...
I think it's some kind of Pertwee ref, but... NO! WAIT! That's clever! It's A BLINK REFERENCE! Where he had to live sans TARDIS in the 1960s as Martha's layabout husband! And Clone Martha didn't react at all, and totally fell for "well, this hasn't happened before" subtext! And this gets the Doctor suspicious so he asks about her family and...

Yeah.

'not high for fighting'WHAT??
"As in 'not time for fighting', got it?"

8:40 - "I earned that a long time ago..." Hmmm, let's see...Ambassadors of Death, would it be?
Nah, Web of Fear. Also the exact same time he decided he hates the Welsh.

UNIT's communicators... don't work without jabbing a sonic screwdriver into them?
Well, because he's tuning the communicators from Puny Human Frequencies to Damn Bastard Hard Sontaran Frequencies. Duh.

8:48 - And THAT is the bit with Rose everyone was going on about?
I'm more surprised that Donna doesn't go, "Ang on, who's that?" or "That bitch didn't give the keys to my mum" or... anything.

And of course they don't know what Sontarans even look like FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!
Well, they might have been only told about them with the helmets ON. Cause seeing Sontaran's naked faces causes everyone but the Doctor to shit themselves (c) Terrance Dicks.

I think I'll sit down with a copy of Robot to admire how efficient and well-informed UNIT used to be..
Well, that's because they were in PERU all the time!

Rutans? RutanS?? RutanS??? Did David A. McIntee do all his hard work on the one good bit in Lords of the Storm just for you to piss it all up against the wall? No, Rutans this and Rutans that.
Dude! Time Warrior: "Rutans", Sontaran Experiment: "Rutons", Two Doctors: "Rutans"...

Terrance Dicks is the one who came up with their gestalt identity, you know.

"First Sontarans in history to capture a TARDIS!"
All the others happened after this. Or, more likely, never lived to tell the tale. Stahl's probably the 500th one to manage it...

Luke really didn't think this through did he?
"COME WITH ME TO ANOTHER PLANET!!!"
"Erm... no, it's not for us"
"I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!"

Nigel: Even I know that doesn't work!

"Kastar 36... you're just sick... you know that's my mum's name..."
Yeah, I got the feeling I was missing something there. I think it means "there IS no Kaster 36" because this is incredibly obvious. Like saying that there IS no giant dragon living on the moon and eating the sun. And that Rattigan would have to be suck-his-pants-and-laughing-like-a-madman to fall for it.

But I prefer your explanation.

"All those things they said about pollution and ozone.. they're really happening, aren't they?" Nice and subtle. And from now, Sylvia, it's a strict vegetarian diet for both of us.
I still can't believe they put that in? No, Syliva, it's all the fucking cars belching out poison gas! Not a Greenhouse crisis!

Urge to kill rising...
Maybe that's what happened to Geoff Noble...

Erm, didn't the Doctor say that nothing would happen if the bomb hit? Why is this so melodramatic?
Because he knew it would give the Sontarans reason to blow the fuck out of everyone. Or maybe he's just feeling incredibly frustrated with the script this week and how shit Rose's cameo was.

Hey, what if it had been a UNIT guy that the Doctor hadn't happened to meet? Then he wouldn't have been able to be so high-and-mighty. I would have liked that.
Brilliant. Why they kept Mace but not Ross boggles my mind.


20:49 - "This isn't war, this is SPORT!" is probably my favourite ever Sontaran line. Why did it have to be in this story?
Am I the only one annoyed that he was HAPPY about that? He was GLAD not to have war? WTF! He should have been kicking things and having a tantrum that the bastards were dying so easily!

The Brig has been knighted. That's good.
He's... stranded in Peru.

This is a demented reference to the UNIT audios, where basically Alistair is the only person capable of keeping the organization safe from ISIS - a slightly more efficient version of Torchwood - but, mind you, in UNIT they say you can chat to Silurians in public as long as you act polite.

"I don't think so, Donna. Last I heard she was helping with a police action in The King James Islands..."
"Fuck. That means we have to put up with Chatham the Scumbag to deal with Hitler and his army of Kroton hordes!"

21:45 - I wouldn't have thought much imagination would be necessary to believe in aliens by this stage...
Remember, this IS Rattigan talking...

So, WHY is he still alive?
So they can watch him crap himself. Shooting his head off isn't FUN unless there's the right expression on it. These are Sontarans, not Daleks...

Lol. Whoever said Catherine Tate wouldn't be good should be hanging there heads in shame.
Well, all the BehindtheSofas people are, but I daren't brave the OG forum to see what "proper fans" think of her.

Not enough real tension in the new series but this sneaking-around-on-the-mothership does the trick nicely..
Definitely. I think it's down to the "He's gonna kill me." "You've still got to try." exchange. It makes it clear that this is DANGEROUS, not something you laugh about (issue I have with Season Two # 34089745). When the main characters think this is serious, it is serious (reason Doomsday sucked like a mini black hole # 2).

It makes me wonder how Tegan worked so badly when it's such a similar idea...
Probably because the Doctor always went, "Sorry," and stirred his tea in a sulk. Part of the reason The Gathering is so good, because he goes, "Well, fuck you TOO, bitch!"

Oh. What might have been.

seriously, is this Gary Russell at work? The amount of references in this are obscene. I like a good reference but we're heading towards Quantum Archangel levels...
Compared to 'okay, let's not mention anything beyond the name Dalek' in season one, yep. My parents didn't get the ref at all (though they heard the line). They thought the Doctor was doing the "What are you? My mother? STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!" gag. Very badly.

Sontar! NOT Sontara! Well, David A. McIntee got some etymology in there afterall...
/pedant/Rob Holmes chose that name for his novelization of the Time Warrior, which created even more of Sontaran lore than people expect, like the orgasms they have when recharging/pedant/

Thanks, I'd already worked that out...
My parents: Huh? What did he say?
Me: The Valiant?
My parents: What's that?
Me: (points to TV) That. Remember, you saw it last year?
My dad: They're using something THEY KNOW the Master built for them? Are they subnormal nowadays?
Me: Well. Yeah. Pretty much.
My mum: Surely that's blowing all the gas into a ring thick enough to kill people.
Me: Like I said. Total retards.

With all the fuss about petrol prices going up, people haven't noticed how cheap Death Stars have gotten..
But that is the deadly Belgrano device used on the Sycorax!! They say so in Confidential!

28:38 - I swear Mace says that they need to "Reach the Norg security!"
It seems to be "Make the North secure..." but I can't swear to that.

30:22 - ... and the clone's memories are stored in her heart?
Um, well, er. Something about her heart is kept beating by that recycled conversion unit. I dunno. Obviously Raynor was going, "Aw, New Earth didn't use the idea far enough to scratch the back of the audiences' retina..."

32:08 - THAT EXPLANATION MAKES NO SENSE!! Why not invade, crushing the humans easily with their military might, and THEN turn it into a barracks-planet? From what we've seen that would also make the Sontarans a lot happier...
I thought the Sontarans had been told NOT to waste ammo, because the war was going badly. General Underling even bitches that all the troops hate this standing about doing sweet fa, and they have a little party just to blow the fuck out of red shirts.

The Sontaran Recession might be a better title now they run to a budget and have to scrabble for clone stuff and the like...

Did that Sontaran just refer to Donna as "the Doctor's wife"? Heh. That is actually amusing. I mean, I could barely hear it because of the muffled sound but it's an application of that bewildering running joke that succeeds in being funny.
It COULD be "the Doctor's WORK". But I can't swear to it.

What? Wilf is Sylvia's dad?
Logical it may be, but this revelation ruined it all for me. The scene where he comforts Syliva is a lot more powerful when I thought he was comforting the daughter in law from hell, showing what an utterly great guy he was. But no. It makes me realize that Wilf's entire life was most likely ruined by the realization his daughter was the biggest ungrateful and selfish bitch on Earth. No wonder he gets on better with Donna... Mind you, maybe he adopted Sylvia? Wouldn't change the scene, but would stop Wilf's DNA crying itself to sleep every night...

why would the Sontarans need a human nuclear missile, bouncing off their ship, to ignite the atmosphere?
They don't...

36:47 - "What's happening?" "The Doctor has stolen the Earth and put it in a book" "What? MIIIIIILES!!!"
LOL.

37:30 - I can't help, it I really can't - we should be seeing Threads 2 right now, for fuck's sake!
You seen Threads 1, yet? Cause I doubt people can make such jokes if they had...

As for the gas, well, OK. This is the explanation I tell myself to stop my head imploding. No doubt about it that Raynor did not attend any science classes, or get any kind of script editing, but the idea, AS I MUST UNDERSTAND IT TO STOP MYSELF DYING is this:

The poison gas and air is flammable. But when the gas is removed, the air ISN'T flamable. So the spark that sets fire to the gas is snuffed out as the atmosphere defaults to normal. The wave of fire is thus a trick of the light as the inferno is instantly canceled out again and again and again until the air is clear.

I KNOW THIS IS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE AND EVEN BAKER AND MARTIN WOULD LAUGH THEIR GUTS OUT. But it's all I got.

38:37 - Please note that the Doctor is a gigantic hypocrite.
Not sure to what you refer as that number leads me to Donna accusing the Doctor of being suicidal.

By the way, did you note they use B7 sound effects for the teleport... but the sound effects for Orac being possessed by pure evil?

But igniting Earth's atmosphere doesn't even damage The Valiant.
Because the device wasn't set to "ignite" the first time. Ignition was a RISK. The Doctor has turned it from flintstone (might cause a spark) to a flamethrower.

Not even the Sontarans can escape the most basic universal truth.. being killed by the Doctor is cool. Being killed by a spotty, young Leonard Nimoy look-a-like who is literally wearing a red shirt, really, really isn't.
Deleted dialogue from Stahl: "Now I know how Banksy felt back in 82!"

Wilf needs to travel in the TARDIS. He is just awesome.
You gotta check out Dalek Invasion of Earth 2150 AD to see him do just that...

was considered for the role of the Fourth Doctor.
He did. Apparently he was turned off/turned down because his Doctor would have been too close to Pertwee's, and they wanted an older, less physical bloke to justify Harry Sullivan. Since Cribbins audition involved him showing off how well he could box, it kinda killed the mood.

4 - Bernard Cribbins
And Mr Pastry (whatever), a Goon, Graham Crowden, Jim Dale, Ron Moody again and Trevor Martin.

5 - Ian "Garron" Cuthbertson, Richard Griffiths, Martin Jarvis

6 - Michael Keating / Brian Blessed
Actually, Mike was only up for seven. Brian was suggested by the press but Colin Baker was the ONLY person considered for the role. Mainly because he agreed sometime around Terminus.

7 - Tony Robinson
Aaand the guy who played Hickman in the Sea Devils, Kevin Campbell, Dermot Crowley, some guy who only ever appeared in one episode of Heartbeat, and Michael Keating

8 - every British actor alive and working in 1996 and a few who weren't.
Including Christopher Eccleston. Believe it or not.

Amazingly enough they only actually auditioned Paul McGann, Mark McGann, Liam Cunningham, Tony Slatterly (VERY bitter about being turned down, he was), Chris "Mordred from Battlefield" Bowen, John Sessions (who showed a Nick Briggs-level desire to get the role, down to bringing his own script which he wrote), Rob Heyland (Bill Bailey lookalike), and Paul Brown (Harry Enfield after one two many lookalike).

Strange but true.

9 - Hugh Grant
10 - Eddie Izzard

...really?

Oh, and I guess for #2 we have Patrick Troughton again, but in black face doing a mystifying Jack Sparrow impression. Better, worse, or war crime? Discuss.
The thing was - apart from the fact there were two other options, including Michael "Gandalf" Horden and Valentyne Dyall - Troughton was a big Doctor Who fan. He was convinced if he took the job, it'd end within a story. He only agreed because they were offering him incredibly large amount of money, but he was CONVINCED he would be known as the guy who killed Doctor Who by being crap. Hence the 'make it so no one will know it's me' method, which started at blacking up Minstrel style and ended with a huge afro wig. Sydney Newman walks in, tells him to pull himself together and be positive.

That scene in Rumble in the Bronx where Jackie Chan walks into the strange warehouse full of stoners where that girl apparently lives, takes one look at the stoners, and yells "YOU PEOPLE ARE GARBAGE!!" and the ensuing ten minute fight scene.
But I use that for Torchwood all the time...


3/10

(Good to see we've got our priorities straight..)
I think that leads to "Donna picks up the Master's ring" repeated meme.

Ewen Campion-Clarke Response: I refuse to even acknowledge that episode exists...
You DO know I reviewed on the same post as TSS, right?

Spara's Baffling Response: This episode , like 'Planet of the Ood', marks a welcome return to the ethical zeitgeist of the Pertwee & Davison eras....However the Doctor seemed to genuinely care when that very attractive young UNIT soldier got killed which was nice.
What if Ross had been a chav teenage girl with their throat ripped out?

Donna promises to mate with the Doctor if he enters a gymnastics competition against his daughter... INCEST no wait she's kissing somebody else.. is that really meant to surprise me?
Well, I never saw that interpretation!

Now I'm imagining one of the McGann sisters saying "I'll use my ancient Time Lord power of snogging a complete stranger!"
Once again, my distorting powers effect the consciousness!

... "She's my daughter!" Hey, I wonder if that will turn out to be as accurate as "It's volcano day!"? ...is there a reason why the Doctor's daughter would be an unbelievably hot arse-kicking machine?
Like I said, they didn't just jumble the plot to make that trailer, they jumbled the jumble so the Doctor's claim is more credible.

Brilliant review, as ever!

HONOR IS SATISFIED! BAAAAH!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Come on, Donna not at least SUGGESTING they break a window?!

Well, it is odd, yes.

Especially considering a lot of cars come with hammers to break the windows in the event of emergencies now...

I just noticed the brilliant satire in Sound of the Drums where the English newsreader says "Saxon generously lets Winters do the talking" and the American says "Saxon forces into humiliating backdown" and the Japanese newsreader says, "STOP WATCHING THIS SHIT! WHAT ARE YOU? CAPITALISTS!"

Good point... RTD does now what he's doing..

Well, because he's tuning the communicators from Puny Human Frequencies to Damn Bastard Hard Sontaran Frequencies. Duh.

UNIT should have decent communicators by now, that was my point!

And if it's a matter of frequency there should be a control for changing it, considering that it's the key variable for all communication.

Terrance Dicks is the one who came up with their gestalt identity, you know.

... you win this round,
Encyclopedia Whoviaminutae...

Because he knew it would give the Sontarans reason to blow the fuck out of everyone.

Yeah, they always need a reason.

Brilliant. Why they kept Mace but not Ross boggles my mind.

It is odd. Some weirdoes want Mace to become a regular but... no.

Besides, and this is just me, but I thought if you were going to replace The Brigadier, you'd need somebody with as cool sounding a rank. That's why in my slightly creepy imaginary Season 27 UNIT had The Commodore in charge.

I stand by it as a cool name.

Am I the only one annoyed that he was HAPPY about that?

Well, I guess it would have been more Sontaran-y if he was angry, but then he could be either jeering at the soldiers for their weakness, or swept up in the fun of killing a heap of people. I mean Time Warrior shows that Sontarans enjoy even low-scale and highly inept military endeavours as a spectacle..

I was far more irritated that the series not having any battles that aren't entirely one-sided. This one is understandable but at the end - not a single UNIT soldier gets killed! Come on!

This is a demented reference to the UNIT audios, where basically Alistair is the only person capable of keeping the organization safe from ISIS - a slightly more efficient version of Torchwood

... What. Ever.

Remember, this IS Rattigan talking...

Point.

So they can watch him crap himself.

Yeah, but... turn the teleport OFF something like that?

I think it's down to the "He's gonna kill me." "You've still got to try." exchange. It makes it clear that this is DANGEROUS, not something you laugh about (issue I have with Season Two # 34089745).

Yes - very, very good point.

As to Season 2, I thought it was mostly in The Impossible Planet, where the TARDIS gets fucking eaten by the planet and Rose just doesn't care. Well... that's a nice bit of drama, isn't it?

My parents didn't get the ref at all (though they heard the line). They thought the Doctor was doing the "What are you? My mother? STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!" gag. Very badly.

Yeah, it isn't just a reference, it's a very intrusive one. Anybody who hasn't seen The Empty Child will think the Doctor's off his fucking perch..

/pedant/Rob Holmes chose that name for his novelization of the Time Warrior, which created even more of Sontaran lore than people expect, like the orgasms they have when recharging/pedant/

... so Holmes was consulted for the novelisation? That's news to me. But then I know nothing about Target, unlike yourself.

So WHY does David A. McIntee go around in a giant black cloak, proclaiming "I AM THE LORD OF ALL THINGS SONTARAN!" through London in Midnight?

And, more importantly and less licentiously, why is the name "Sontara" used in Craig Hinton's books and, IIRC, Warmonger?

But that is the deadly Belgrano device used on the Sycorax!! They say so in Confidential!

I was being facetious. And surely a device that seemed to split over 80 blocks in London is a little large to weld onto the bottom of a flying aircraft carrier?

I thought the Sontarans had been told NOT to waste ammo, because the war was going badly.

You know, I always find it a bit odd the way the war ebbs and flows so much. In the early 1900s the Rutans are apparently on the brink of defeat. And then by the 1980s it's a complete stalemate, and then apparently the Sontarans start losing some time later... I just would have thought a ten thousand-year-old war would have been a bit more stable.

Mind you, maybe he adopted Sylvia? Wouldn't change the scene, but would stop Wilf's DNA crying itself to sleep every night...

LMAO.

They don't...

Oh, sorry for not being able to comprehend David Tennat talking like Tom Baker on helium and acid and truth serum and subsequently being sped up in the fucking editing process..

But when the gas is removed, the air ISN'T flamable.

Oxygen is highly flamable. So.. it does not work. If the Doctor built some magic filter and suction machine it would make sense. But there is no way to burn off just PART of the Earth's atmosphere.

I KNOW THIS IS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE AND EVEN BAKER AND MARTIN WOULD LAUGH THEIR GUTS OUT.

Whoop, sorry.

About Baker and Martin... I think they deserve more respect. Sure, their plots contain some odd bits of science, but this is because they actually attempted to bring science into the show, rather than magical future devices that did everything and didn't warrant much of an explanation.

Come to think of it, everything based on actual science in DW is loathed by fandom for some reason. Spaceships becoming planets through accelerated gravitational agglutination, all that tachynoics stuff, travelling through zero-G with a cricket ball and the '4 minutes to reach Earth' bit from Pyramids of Mars that I asbolutely loved. My conclusion: DW fans need to read some frigging textbooks.

Not sure to what you refer as that number leads me to Donna accusing the Doctor of being suicidal.

Well I can't remember - that was a whole day ago!

By the way, did you note they use B7 sound effects for the teleport... but the sound effects for Orac being possessed by pure evil?

Erm... no.

You gotta check out Dalek Invasion of Earth 2150 AD to see him do just that...

I have been curious about that for a while..

And Mr Pastry (whatever),

Yeah, I know most of the names. I was trying to grab some of the more absurd ones for a list of 'alt' Doctors that would hopefully be humourous.

And who the HELL is Tony Slatterly?

Wait... Eddie Izzard was probably a hoax one..

Valentyne Dyall

... you has got to be fucking with me.

but he was CONVINCED he would be known as the guy who killed Doctor Who by being crap. Hence the 'make it so no one will know it's me' method, which started at blacking up Minstrel style and ended with a huge afro wig. Sydney Newman walks in, tells him to pull himself together and be positive.

.. okay, now that is amazing. For somebody who gave so much to the part, I am blown away that Troughton should have thought that.

And interesting to hear he was a fan - like a certain recent Doctor he obviously down-played it to the press (such press as he had, the reclusive rascal) because I've only read quotes from him about watching Star Trek..

You DO know I reviewed on the same post as TSS, right?

I should say it is clear that I do not.

Youth of Australia said...

Well, it is odd, yes.
Especially considering a lot of cars come with hammers to break the windows in the event of emergencies now...

And the sonic screwdriver can break glass - it's not like the deadlock changes the entire molecular structure of the car. Is it?

Good point... RTD does now what he's doing..
Sometimes.

UNIT should have decent communicators by now, that was my point!
It might be they do - doesn't matter how many times you dial if the other end has the phone off the hook, does it?

... you win this round,
Encyclopedia Whoviaminutae...

It's easy to work out, since Rutan = Horror of Fang Rock by T. Dicks.

Yeah, they always need a reason.
Well, Linx only killed Irongron when tried to attack him.

It is odd. Some weirdoes want Mace to become a regular but... no.
NO!!! Keep Bell mk 2!

Besides, and this is just me, but I thought if you were going to replace The Brigadier, you'd need somebody with as cool sounding a rank. That's why in my slightly creepy imaginary Season 27 UNIT had The Commodore in charge.
True. Or at least a cool-sounding name. Bambera sounds badass enough to cope without the Brigadier stuff, but Mace? What a shitty name. That's why the Doctor only called him "the actor" in The Visitation.

Well, I guess it would have been more Sontaran-y if he was angry, but then he could be either jeering at the soldiers for their weakness, or swept up in the fun of killing a heap of people. I mean Time Warrior shows that Sontarans enjoy even low-scale and highly inept military endeavours as a spectacle..
Yeah, but the Sontarans had been left twiddling their thumbs for ages and when they finally get a fight it's shooting bodies in a barrel. Disspointing, much?

I was far more irritated that the series not having any battles that aren't entirely one-sided. This one is understandable but at the end - not a single UNIT soldier gets killed! Come on!
I know. That's a point to Doomsday, with its Cyber bridge scene, with blood on both sides.

... What. Ever.
Well, it was made in 2003...

Yeah, but... turn the teleport OFF something like that?
Too much hassle.

Yes - very, very good point.
As to Season 2, I thought it was mostly in The Impossible Planet, where the TARDIS gets fucking eaten by the planet and Rose just doesn't care. Well... that's a nice bit of drama, isn't it?

Confidential for that ep had Billie say she saw Rose as becoming totally desensitized, hence the Doctor's "And THEN what?!" rant. But looking back I think it was rationalizing a poor script than a very good one.

Yeah, it isn't just a reference, it's a very intrusive one. Anybody who hasn't seen The Empty Child will think the Doctor's off his fucking perch..
Maybe if there was someone present who would have got the reference, it might have made sense.

... so Holmes was consulted for the novelisation? That's news to me. But then I know nothing about Target, unlike yourself.
Holmesy sat down, wrote ten pages, then gave up and let Dicks write the rest of the novelization, which really annoyed him as he though the first ten pages was better than anything he could do, even though it's "A Day In The Life of Linx the Sontaran".

So WHY does David A. McIntee go around in a giant black cloak, proclaiming "I AM THE LORD OF ALL THINGS SONTARAN!" through London in Midnight?
He snapped because no one pronounces his name right. And he failed to write a novel for every single Doctor.

And, more importantly and less licentiously, why is the name "Sontara" used in Craig Hinton's books and, IIRC, Warmonger?
Well, there are TWO possible explanations
1) Missprint
2) The comic strip Pureblood in 1991 has the Rutans nuke the Sontaran homeworld, forcing them to create a new one, so it could be that "Sontara" is "New Sontar"

2) is possible cause CH would know about it, since he wrote for the mag at the time, but Dicks is just off his trolly.

I was being facetious. And surely a device that seemed to split over 80 blocks in London is a little large to weld onto the bottom of a flying aircraft carrier?
Ah, but it was two years ago. Long time to retro-fit it, and in TCI it WAS being used on short notice.

You know, I always find it a bit odd the way the war ebbs and flows so much. In the early 1900s the Rutans are apparently on the brink of defeat. And then by the 1980s it's a complete stalemate, and then apparently the Sontarans start losing some time later... I just would have thought a ten thousand-year-old war would have been a bit more stable.
Another problem is that the Doctor ALWAYS says, "Hah! You're losing, aren't you, you cunts!" whenever he meets them. And the Rutans. Just so they can do their "WE'RE NOT FUCKING LOSING!" rant. So it's hard to tell if the war is going good or bad. The only time we know for sure is Horror of Fang Rock, where the Rutan admits they're making a strategic withdrawal across the Milky Way, that can only be stopped if they fight a rearguard action via Earth.

LMAO.
I mean, you'd think she'd have some redeeming features...

Oh, sorry for not being able to comprehend David Tennat talking like Tom Baker on helium and acid and truth serum and subsequently being sped up in the fucking editing process..
Sound quality on this story IS rather poor. It's not the music drowning them out, but it's like the microphones were being tugged out of range.

Oxygen is highly flamable. So.. it does not work. If the Doctor built some magic filter and suction machine it would make sense. But there is no way to burn off just PART of the Earth's atmosphere.
I KNOW! This is me ABANDONING ALL LOGIC and trying to find FAIRYTALE LOGIC! Like Underworld, where planets have zero gravity at the core and turn to liquid...

About Baker and Martin... I think they deserve more respect. Sure, their plots contain some odd bits of science, but this is because they actually attempted to bring science into the show, rather than magical future devices that did everything and didn't warrant much of an explanation.
Oh yes, I get that. But they, like Holmsey, were rubbish at it. I could forgive Raynor for her insane DNA fetish if it were her only flaw.

Come to think of it, everything based on actual science in DW is loathed by fandom for some reason. Spaceships becoming planets through accelerated gravitational agglutination, all that tachynoics stuff, travelling through zero-G with a cricket ball and the '4 minutes to reach Earth' bit from Pyramids of Mars that I asbolutely loved. My conclusion: DW fans need to read some frigging textbooks.
Well, I just ignore it. Like Nyder (he got banned from OG, you know?) slagging off the trailer because "stars can't go out, it's ridiculous, science doesn't work like that!" but the fucker is happy to accept the concept of teleportation.

Well I can't remember - that was a whole day ago!
Was surprise at the lack of comment of "Martha hugs Doctor for being safe, Donna whacks him for scaring her so much" moment. Which we applauded.

Erm... no.
Well, if you watch Shadow and the bit where the Liberator nearly exploded, exact same noise.

I have been curious about that for a while..
Lot better than the original.

Yeah, I know most of the names. I was trying to grab some of the more absurd ones for a list of 'alt' Doctors that would hopefully be humourous.
I think GC's Doctor would be great. "Oh, poor Davros, your DRE_AMS of CARN-KWEEEESSSSSSTTTT!"

And who the HELL is Tony Slatterly?
English Comedian, looks like a cross between Tony Squires and Mikey Robbins. Applied to be the Eighth Doctor, failed, and has slagged off the series ever since.

... you has got to be fucking with me.
Honest to fucking god, he was considered for the role. Might have got it too, but Hartnell preferred Troughton as a choice.

.. okay, now that is amazing. For somebody who gave so much to the part, I am blown away that Troughton should have thought that.
He was very insecure at the start. The famous "Ben and Polly turn up to recording with T-shirts saying BRING BACK BILL HARTNELL THIS GUY SUCKS!" incident really upset him.

And interesting to hear he was a fan - like a certain recent Doctor he obviously down-played it to the press (such press as he had, the reclusive rascal) because I've only read quotes from him about watching Star Trek..
Troughton hated the press and did as few interviews as possible, and when he DID, he was "in character". This was party down to the fact that in real life he was a lot closer to Charles Daniels' description than people would expect. He had two "families" on the go and lead a double life, plus the fact he seemed to have a brand new girlfriend each week, meant that the less he said about his life, the less trouble he'd get into. I mean, there's a famous interview where he ends with, "I only talked to because you're a girl and I like girls a lot", and meant every word. The reason he agreed to so much money was because he needed it for his kids' school fees, rather than being a greedy son of a bitch or anything.

I should say it is clear that I do not.
Well. I did.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

And the sonic screwdriver can break glass

... fuck, I hadn't even thought of that.

And because all glass has a resonance frequency that's an application of a sonic device THAT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE!

It might be they do - doesn't matter how many times you dial if the other end has the phone off the hook, does it?

And pumping sound waves into the phone negates this rule?

It's easy to work out, since Rutan = Horror of Fang Rock by T. Dicks.

I can't remember the Doctor saying that they were gestalt...

Though it might have gone under the radar, because it seemed to me that for a couple of season Tom seemed to be facing nothing BUT gestalt entities...

NO!!! Keep Bell mk 2!

Yeah, I like her...

Has anyone bothered to learn her name or are we all calling her Bell Jr?

Holmesy sat down, wrote ten pages, then gave up and let Dicks write the rest of the novelization, which really annoyed him as he though the first ten pages was better than anything he could do, even though it's "A Day In The Life of Linx the Sontaran".

That book have a few "such was the authority in his voice" moments?

He snapped because no one pronounces his name right.

Meh-kin-tee's what I go for...

And he failed to write a novel for every single Doctor.

Hmm... Eleventh Tiger, Dark Path, Face of the Enemy, Lords of the Storm, Mission Impractical, White Darkness, Autumn Mist... didn't get to write a Fourth, is that the problem? Or is it the New Series Doctors that have screwed him over?

Just so they can do their "WE'RE NOT FUCKING LOSING!" rant. So it's hard to tell if the war is going good or bad.

Well, that's a good point..

Like Underworld, where planets have zero gravity at the core and turn to liquid...

Huh. Missed that bit.

My overwhelming memory of that story is Tom Baker saying "What BLOWS can SUCK!", before we get a shot of a vent and he seems to fall asleep, causing the cliffhanger sting to play for somewhat elusive reasons.

Nyder (he got banned from OG, you know?)

There is some justice in the world, then.

Though that has disappointed me slightly, because I wanted to have "Nyder's Response" as a regular feature on my reviews.

Sadly, there don't seem to be any of the stalwart fruitcakes of old - I was trying to find if Joe "Batshit insane" Ford had a blog or a webstite where he (he is a he isn't he?) posts his reviews now OG is closed but I found nothing. NOTHING!

Was surprise at the lack of comment of "Martha hugs Doctor for being safe, Donna whacks him for scaring her so much" moment.

I thought it spoke for itself.

Lot better than the original.

I don't think it would be hard. Dalek Invasion is apparently a classic.. but I think it's more of a case of the first two episodes being really good, which somehow leads them to forgive anything else. I kept waiting for the plot to pick up to the next gear, but nothing. I figured Episode 7 must have the good stuff in it... and then:

"Oh, hm, a microphone device. This must be, er, er, where they control the Robomen, yes! Turn on the Daleks, turn on the Daleks!"

And suddenly it's all over.

Doctor Who has never let me down that badly since...

The famous "Ben and Polly turn up to recording with T-shirts saying BRING BACK BILL HARTNELL THIS GUY SUCKS!" incident really upset him.

And then they brought out the "BRING PATRICK A BOX OF FRICKIN TISSUES, HAHA!" T-shirts.

The reason he agreed to so much money was because he needed it for his kids' school fees, rather than being a greedy son of a bitch or anything.

Cool. Not enough libellous material on the blog usually.
I guess that explains why half of the people currently working for the BBC seem to be directly descended from him...

Youth of Australia said...

... fuck, I hadn't even thought of that.
I just watched Army of Ghosts the other day where he uses it to shatter a window.

And pumping sound waves into the phone negates this rule?
Well, most metaphors don't bear close examination. The Sontarans screen their calls, but the sonic is set to "override", since the Tenth Doctor read all their codes in the Betrothal of Sontar...

I can't remember the Doctor saying that they were gestalt...
The Rutan says "we are a new scout" a lot, and the novelization does the whole "group mind" stuff. The novelization being by Dicks, too.

Though it might have gone under the radar, because it seemed to me that for a couple of season Tom seemed to be facing nothing BUT gestalt entities...
And ancient Gallifreyan problems.

Yeah, I like her...
Despite her Torchwood-style priorities...

Has anyone bothered to learn her name or are we all calling her Bell Jr?
Mace's bit of skirt?

That book have a few "such was the authority in his voice" moments?
...not that I recall, no. It's one where Tezza tries a lot harder than normal.

Meh-kin-tee's what I go for...
So do I. I forget. It's very unusual.

Hmm... Eleventh Tiger, Dark Path, Face of the Enemy, Lords of the Storm, Mission Impractical, White Darkness, Autumn Mist... didn't get to write a Fourth, is that the problem? Or is it the New Series Doctors that have screwed him over?
The latter. He wrote for the 4th "Shadow of Weng-chiang".

Huh. Missed that bit.
Adds to the acid-trip nature of the story.

My overwhelming memory of that story is Tom Baker saying "What BLOWS can SUCK!", before we get a shot of a vent and he seems to fall asleep, causing the cliffhanger sting to play for somewhat elusive reasons.
Underworld is something odd. It's one of the stories I've always had, but everything after episode two is a blur in my memory. I still don't understand the cliffhanger where the Doctor and Leela have themselves pushed into a crusher... or something...

There is some justice in the world, then.
Last sighted demanding everyone sue the BBC after condoning the actions of "Doctor Ood Murderer", an argument he posted in the same thread say, 500 times, all of which based on a false premise. I mean, OBVIOUSLY false.

Though that has disappointed me slightly, because I wanted to have "Nyder's Response" as a regular feature on my reviews.
He posts on Behind the Sofa as Alan Stephens.

Sadly, there don't seem to be any of the stalwart fruitcakes of old - I was trying to find if Joe "Batshit insane" Ford had a blog or a webstite where he (he is a he isn't he?) posts his reviews now OG is closed but I found nothing. NOTHING!
I'm fairly certain he's a he. The continual references to boyfriends plus media stereotypes make me assume he's just a gay bloke. Though sometimes I forget, which is why he/she gets different credits in the spoofs as Jo Ford or Joe Ford Prefect...

I thought it spoke for itself.
Did very well.

I don't think it would be hard. Dalek Invasion is apparently a classic.. but I think it's more of a case of the first two episodes being really good, which somehow leads them to forgive anything else. I kept waiting for the plot to pick up to the next gear, but nothing. I figured Episode 7 must have the good stuff in it... and then:
"Oh, hm, a microphone device. This must be, er, er, where they control the Robomen, yes! Turn on the Daleks, turn on the Daleks!"
And suddenly it's all over.
Doctor Who has never let me down that badly since...

Well, that's very interesting. I saw the film BEFORE the story and was horried, because the movie has the Doctor tell the Daleks, "I can help you win!" grab the microphone and scream "Kill the Daleks" and there is a huge fight scene... and not a single Dalek is killed, but every last roboman is. And the Daleks close in around the Doctor... A real, "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT, DOC-TOR?!" moment.

Plus a brilliant bit where Phillip Madoc is working with the Daleks... some people say that the movie is considered more canonical than the TV version since it was shown all the time. Terry Nation has the Doctor refer to it in Genesis, and RTD's Dalek episodes recall it on more than one occasion...

And then they brought out the "BRING PATRICK A BOX OF FRICKIN TISSUES, HAHA!" T-shirts.
Actually, they took him to the pub to say sorry, he drank them under the table and they all became the best of friends.

Cool. Not enough libellous material on the blog usually.
I guess that explains why half of the people currently working for the BBC seem to be directly descended from him...

My info does come from DWM interviews. Like Michael Troughton's diaries, they reprinted. And there is that infamous TV interview in 1983 where they get Peter Davison, Jon Pertwee and Troughton to be interviewed, round-table style, and Troughton starts flirting with the interviewer as the other two watch on, rather uncomfortable...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

And ancient Gallifreyan problems.

True. Season 25, a dozen years early..

Despite her Torchwood-style priorities...

Hey, she was in a state of intense relief and jubilation when she kissed Mace.

As you'd need to be...

Mace, on the other hand, seemed to be undergoing rigor mortis.

So do I. I forget. It's very unusual.

"YOU FOOLS! It is "Mack-Ian-Tin-Tee-A-Tim-Eh"!

The latter. He wrote for the 4th "Shadow of Weng-chiang".

Oh, how could I forget that one.
Come on, he got to write for all the 'classic' Doctors, he's got nothing to complain about!

I still don't understand the cliffhanger where the Doctor and Leela have themselves pushed into a crusher... or something...

All I saw was a minecart falling over. Utterly bewildering..

Last sighted demanding everyone sue the BBC after condoning the actions of "Doctor Ood Murderer",

Oh, it was THAT that did it...

He posts on Behind the Sofa as Alan Stephens.

My oh my... I thought it sounded like a fun site...

I'm fairly certain he's a he. The continual references to boyfriends plus media stereotypes make me assume he's just a gay bloke.

Are you thinking of the impossibly deadpan recounting of the frosty reception [he] and [his] boyfriend apparently received as the burst into tears watching Father's Day on their pub television?

Does come across as an exceptional gay man, I agree, but there's just enough doubt that I believe their could be a Josephine Ford out there... I was wondering at one point if there was going to be any genitalia references in upcoming reviews to settle the matter..

Well, that's very interesting. I saw the film BEFORE the story and was horried, because the movie has the Doctor tell the Daleks, "I can help you win!" grab the microphone and scream "Kill the Daleks" and there is a huge fight scene... and not a single Dalek is killed, but every last roboman is. And the Daleks close in around the Doctor... A real, "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT, DOC-TOR?!" moment.

That... sounds so awesome. I HAVE TO SEE THIS THING!

Plus a brilliant bit where Phillip Madoc is working with the Daleks... some people say that the movie is considered more canonical than the TV version since it was shown all the time.

Ooh! Madoc's in it? Nobody mentioned Madoc before...

Also, didn't they use one of the film Daleks in Planet of the Daleks or something?

And there is that infamous TV interview in 1983 where they get Peter Davison, Jon Pertwee and Troughton to be interviewed, round-table style, and Troughton starts flirting with the interviewer as the other two watch on, rather uncomfortable...

I prefer Peter Haining's recounting of a TV interview with Jon Pertwee in which he apparently pulled his jacket over his head and ran around screaming "I'M A DALEK, I'M A DALEK!" Denny Balowski-style.

Please don't tell me that that story isn't true...

Youth of Australia said...

True. Season 25, a dozen years early..
All coincidence, though. Unless we assume it is a Fendahl conspiracy.

Hey, she was in a state of intense relief and jubilation when she kissed Mace.
As you'd need to be...
Mace, on the other hand, seemed to be undergoing rigor mortis.

Yeah, it's Mace's reaction that makes it look completely unnecessary and gratuitious.

Oh, how could I forget that one.
Come on, he got to write for all the 'classic' Doctors, he's got nothing to complain about!

Well, he does in the sense he was going "Hahah! Finally finished the lot!" the week "RTD makes new series" was announced...

All I saw was a minecart falling over. Utterly bewildering..
It gets very difficult to follow the narrative, since the scenes seem almost totally random. Like this bit where some slave chick is telling her entire life story to Leela and they act like they've known each other for ages. Or something. My brain doesn't take it in for some reason.

Oh, it was THAT that did it...
Well, the "the British legal system can go fuck itself if they support a story about racist slaving murderers" helped.

My oh my... I thought it sounded like a fun site...
Sorry, I mean to say, he posts COMMENTS. Not actual reviews. Often incredibly bitchy "I hate everything" type non sequiters.

Are you thinking of the impossibly deadpan recounting of the frosty reception [he] and [his] boyfriend apparently received as the burst into tears watching Father's Day on their pub television?
Actually his very favorable review of Trial of a Time-Lord.

Does come across as an exceptional gay man, I agree, but there's just enough doubt that I believe their could be a Josephine Ford out there... I was wondering at one point if there was going to be any genitalia references in upcoming reviews to settle the matter..
Probably. I don't know any off the top of my head, though.

That... sounds so awesome. I HAVE TO SEE THIS THING!
I admit I fell in love with it when the Doctor and Cribbens break out a prison and find a Dalek in the doorway, staring at them. The Doctor looks ill and shrugs. "Back in the cell then?" he asks hopefully.

Ooh! Madoc's in it? Nobody mentioned Madoc before...
He plays Ashton the nasty black marketeer. He and the Doctor have one of those lovely "smile at each other like best friends" hate relationships.

Brilliant bit where he leads the Doctor into a trap and says, very incinserely, "Sorry about this." and the Doctor says, just as insincerely, "Oh, think nothing of it. These things happen."

Peter Cushing's Doctor rocks.

Also, didn't they use one of the film Daleks in Planet of the Daleks or something?
Yep. The Supreme Dalek is one of the film Daleks. Unfortunately it got hit by a car or something, so it was patched up. VERY badly. Jam-jars for lamps, flashing torch for eyestick, badly.

Another couple were literally stolen to use in The Chase, but they looks completely different to the other Daleks, so they were vandalized and left in the time machine. This gives us what looks like some Weeping Angel version of Dalek statues on either side of the door that alternately vanish and reappear.

I prefer Peter Haining's recounting of a TV interview with Jon Pertwee in which he apparently pulled his jacket over his head and ran around screaming "I'M A DALEK, I'M A DALEK!" Denny Balowski-style. Please don't tell me that that story isn't true...
No, that one is true as far as I know. Troughton disliked the fact that after The Three Doctors, everyone was trying to interview him again. So, before the interview, there was an exchnage SOMEWHAT like this one...

PT: This sucks.
JP: Well, you know, shit happens.
PT: Why don't they leave me alone?
JP: I dunno. Maybe scare them off by acting like a loony.
PT: ...I've just had an idea! AND IT'S AS HOT AS MY PANTS!
JP: Aw, crap, what have I done?