Saturday, June 28, 2008

Prepare for MAXIMUM FANWANK!

There is a minor divergence of opinion on the matter of what exactly constitutes fanwank (or 'fan pleasure' as I believe Wikipedia term it, rather amusingly...). Some say that in order for it truly to be fanwank, it needs to be something incredibly pleasing to the fans, or something that they have desperately wanted. So, say, Doomsday would be a definite piece of fanwank, whereas Placebo Effect and Gary Russell's much mulled-over Nimon-versus-Macra story really are not. The other is that fanwank refers to any such attempt of reusing old enemies for the sake of audience... so just about every Dalek story, then, with special emphasis on Blood of the Daleks.

I believe in the latter definition. After all, aren't compulsive masturbators still 'wanking' on the 20th straight wrist-number even if by that stage they have ceased to take any pleasure in the act? Is it not still a 'wank' if you've lost your train of thought in the sexual fantasy and end up at loose ends with an elk in your imaginary bed instead of a (don't say 'teacher', don't say 'teacher'...)... antelope?

This is even more so now, because even if I have absolutely zero enthusiasm for the complete madness that will be launched on British television screens all too soon (if it hasn't already - I can never keep track of GMT..) how can you deny it is fanwank? Well, I guess it is for the young'uns (read people about two-to-five years younger than myself...) infesting OG who've never even seen the Doctor fellate a gigantic green beanbag in family viewing hours nor jump around madly as Cybermen attempt to set his arse on fire... but even then I wonder how many people really REALLY want to see all of the modern Whoniverse pillars on screen at once like this.

Something I've been mulling over is what on Earth could the credits look like...

DOCTOR WHO
Starring DAVID TENNANT and CATHERINE TATE
and BILLIE PIPER and FREEMA AGYEMAN and JOHN BARROWMAN
and LIS SLADEN and EVE MYLES and GUY WHO PLAYS IANTO and JOHN LEESON


(As far as I know, J-Lee isn't actually in it, just wishful thinking on my part..)

What sick twisted Whoviants actually want to SEE this, though? This stuff should be in fanfic! I mean, as much as I enjoy writing about H.G Wells and The Sixth Doctor dealing with the Bendalypse Warhead as if it's a scene in Black Books or reading about Dr House's encounters with his alien counterpart, I don't actually want to see it on screen. It's a bit like watching porn with your family, isn't it?

It's a symptom of the need for season finales now, which is something I find torturous, especially the fact that this monster has been created through the fact that YANA was so mind-bogglingly big that we need something EVEN BIGGER this year, through some completely stupid laws of television. And this, in turn, is why we need the break year, so presumably season five can end with the Doctor forgetting to bring his coupons and having to pay full price for dry cleaning.

I find it remarkable, though, because now I think RTD has well and truly left JNT in the dust for the contest of Producer of The Greatest Fanwank.

After all, what does JNT have to his name?

*Brought back the Master - After a previous team had specifically created a loophole for this to happen.
*Brought back and updated the Cybermen - For the sake of viewers.
*Brought back a companion for two stories, and a heap for a 'special' - The Brig was key to Mawdryn Undead, but ultimately not that much of a distraction. The Five Doctors was a bit different...
*Brought back a one-off villain from nine years' previously when he brought back Omega
*Made two multiple Doctor stories
*Let Ian Levine somewhere near a typewriter
*Created quite a lot of clipshows...
*Brought back UNIT once
*Made one Dalek story every three years on average
*Created the Valeyard

It's decent, I'll give him that - but let's have a look at RTD's blow-for-blow rejoinder..

*Brought back the Master
*Brought back and updated the Cybermen and pitted them against the Daleks - For the sake of more viewers
*Brought back two companions for three episodes a piece in concurrent seasons, and then brings back THREE companions for one story in one of said seasons
*Brought back a one-off monster from FORTY years previously - When bringing back the Macra, an idea that JNT incidentally shot down himself..
*Made one five minute mulitple Doctor special - Yeah, JNT wins this one..
*Must... resist... cheapshots at writers...
*Creates a new show that's nothing BUT clipshows
*Brought UNIT back three times
*Makes at least one Dalek story per year
*Created Torchwood


RTD's arches and recurring plots and references to his own stories blows JNT's 'excesses' well and truly out of the water. All I have to say is that RTD is now the king of fanwank, especially with Craig Hinton gone as he has all too soon.

I just wanted to post this before it all went to air. And if, at the end of it, you're feeling dirty and used... well, what did you expect? Be glad you're not blind.

6 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

This is just freaky. I have an identical topic for my half-started review of TSE, which notes the difference between good fanwank and bad fanwank can be demonstrated between The Scales of Injustice and He Jests At Scars.

The former has Liz leaving, a sequel to the Silurians, a prequel to Warriors of the Deep, plus a tie in to Who Killed Kennedy and Downtime and More than a Messiah... but it has a plot that thrives on those elements, and is very much a case of a decent story even without the continuity.

Whereas HJAS is a non-linear collection of scenes where the Valeyard mocks continuity references to New Adventures, BBC novels and every single word ever written by Gary Russell.

However, I get the feeling that TSE will simply be a variation on Doomsday in that instead of seeing generic extras getting blown up, we see Daleks in the Hub taking shots at Gwen and Ianto. I fear there won't be a Tomb of Rassilon style scene where everyone is in one room and bitching at each other...

...and isn't that one of the fundamental flaws in Zagreus? Oh, to see Turlough and Mel, the two most different of personalities yet similar in appearance, slagging into each other, or Frobisher and Eminem...

Can you imagine it? Rose vs Gwen for Big Teeth award with obligatory, "Didn't I leave you for dead fighting Gelth?" scene. Sarah Jane Smith smacking down Jack for his holier-than-though alien fighting unit. Ianto noticing his boyfriend gets him to dress up like the Doctor. Martha and Luke acting as wallflowers. Donna and Jackie...

But yeah, I agree. I think at one point there was just going to be Rose versus Davros, but RTD has reversed his own polarity here...

So when's your Turn Left review turning up?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Hmm, He Jests at Scars.. is that a Jim Mortimore?

...and isn't that one of the fundamental flaws in Zagreus?

Yeah, I'd agree with that.. and arguably with Heart of TARDIS and The Two Doctors. They are all 'outside the box' by not really doing the whole 'multi-Doctor story' routine but... the truth is that most fans REALLY LIKE the multi-Doctor routine.

I mean, come on, how many fans have you seen put The Five Doctors in their top ten? We LIKE it!


So when's your Turn Left review turning up?

Some time after my Silence in the Library and Midnight ones..

I know I've fallen behind. Bloody Eye of Horus will be catching up to me...

Youth of Australia said...

Hmm, He Jests at Scars.. is that a Jim Mortimore?
It's Gary Russell, losing all self control. Doctor Who Magazine dubbed it "being forced to look at Russell's homemade pornography with the faces of Doctor Who characters sticky-taped over what turns him on". That's the OFFICIAL word on it...

Yeah, I'd agree with that.. and arguably with Heart of TARDIS and The Two Doctors. They are all 'outside the box' by not really doing the whole 'multi-Doctor story' routine but... the truth is that most fans REALLY LIKE the multi-Doctor routine.
As Time Crash proved. If BF had been involved, they never would have met, just shouting road rage abuse at the scanner...

I mean, come on, how many fans have you seen put The Five Doctors in their top ten? We LIKE it!
Yes. We do.

Some time after my Silence in the Library and Midnight ones..
I know I've fallen behind. Bloody Eye of Horus will be catching up to me...

I had a look on their site and they put up two-line reviews every week. You can imagine what they say blindfolded and with your head in a bucket of pihrana fish. These guys have no minds of their own.

I've seen the precredit bit for The Stolen Earth. I hope Mad Larry goes apeshit and accuses RTD of ripping him off...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

It's Gary Russell, losing all self control. Doctor Who Magazine dubbed it "being forced to look at Russell's homemade pornography with the faces of Doctor Who characters sticky-taped over what turns him on". That's the OFFICIAL word on it...

Yikes. The Wikipedia wrap-up has scared me...

If BF had been involved, they never would have met, just shouting road rage abuse at the scanner...

*Sigh* Did I mention at the last meet just how much the end of Girl Who Never Was pissed me off? One line. That was all I wanted. One line from Colin Baker. One. Fucking. Line. That's why I kept listening to the very end. And this is how my loyalty is repayed? Bastards... fuck Nick Briggs...

I've seen the precredit bit for The Stolen Earth. I hope Mad Larry goes apeshit and accuses RTD of ripping him off...

You mean like:

This Week's Reason to Smile...

...if Donna turns out to be the TARDIS, then I'm going to bloody sue.

Youth of Australia said...

Yikes. The Wikipedia wrap-up has scared me...
It also has the infamous "Valeyard spoils next fifty releases scene" where he rants at Mel about C'Rizz...

*Sigh* Did I mention at the last meet just how much the end of Girl Who Never Was pissed me off? One line. That was all I wanted. One line from Colin Baker. One. Fucking. Line. That's why I kept listening to the very end. And this is how my loyalty is repayed? Bastards... fuck Nick Briggs...
Well, much as I hate to stand up for them, they DO give Charley and Colin Baker a whole story.

As for the line thing, they didn't decide which Doctor Charley would get with until well afterwards. Could have been David Tennant. They added the music later to show which Doctor they meant and now Charley and Sixth Doctor get their range...

You mean like:
This Week's Reason to Smile...
...if Donna turns out to be the TARDIS, then I'm going to bloody sue.

I mean the fact the opening scene has Earth vanish. Except it doesn't turn into a library book.

Oh, and am I the only one to look at his "Mathematics of Moffat" and want to scream "GROW UP NUMBNUTS!" to Mad Larry. Fuck, get OVER it. I tell you, Larry always used to give off this passive aggressive vibe as in "if you like what I don't like then you're stupid why does no one agree with me?"

But that blog is making it madly clear the guy's an immature misery guts with all the storytelling ability of Lemon Bloody Cola first thing in the morning. He's one step down from Tomas Fucking Cookson and only two steps up from Gabriel Chase.

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