Monday, July 14, 2008

Doctor Who and the LAAAAAME!

THE DOCTOR: Okey-dokey, gang, it's Christmas time so I'm going to show you how much I love you all! Jack!

JACK: Yo!

THE DOCTOR: You mentioned in passing how much you like ebonics so I've given you two black playthings!

JACK: Awe-some!

MARTHA: Erm, what's in it for me? I'm engaged, remember?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, yeah, your 'engagement'. You're going to like this one, Martha - when you get home your 'fiancee', you know that old scarecrow that you painted a pinstripe pattern on before sticking my photo on front of it that you keep in the cupboard and think I don't know about and seriously that freaks me right out, is actually going to be ALIVE!

MARTHA: Oh my god that is the best news ever! Leo won't have to do the marionation anymore! And I won't have to listen to his talk of oncoming suicide as a direct result! Aww, thanks a billion, billion!

THE DOCTOR: Oh, and let's not forget Jacqui, dear old Jacqui - you never believed in me. You never had faith in me. You never even liked me. But I know how much that twat pissed you off by doing that really shit fanfic where you died every second episode and so I made doubly, doubly sure that Adam WASN'T brought back in this story.

JACQUI: Yes, I did notice that...

THE DOCTOR: In fact, I killed him with my bare hands and now here's his head, mounted for you.

JACQUI: Oh, you're a dear.

THE DOCTOR: And Sarah-Jane Smith... I arranged the death of that former prime minister who sort of looked like you so won't get called a Thatcher-clone bitch in the street anymore.

SARAH-JANE: K9 could use some more batteries..

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, right, I'll pick 'em up... and finally... Rose! You get... me. An identical copy of me, who acts like the Eccleston version so isn't quite as insufferable to be around all the time, but has my good-looks, will age along with you, openly admits that he wants to sex you up and is probably into the kinky stuff.

OTHER DOCTOR: Oh, you have NO idea!

ROSE: What? Is that it?

THE DOCTOR: ...isn't that enough?

ROSE: Jack got TWO sex toys! Plus he has too many already! THIS ISN'T FAIR!

THE DOCTOR: Alright... I'll give you a pony..

ROSE: I DON'T WANNA PONY, I WAN' MORE LOVIN'! WAAAH, WAAAAAH!

(Rose beats her fists against the floor viciously)

ROSE: GIMME LOVE, GIMME LOVE, GIMME LOVE YOU BASTARD!

THE DOCTOR: Okay, okay.. jings... right... I'll make a clone of my clone...

(Pause)

THE DOCTOR: And the pony...

(Pause)

THE DOCTOR: And... erm... magic pencils. So that you draw a cow and the cow comes to life.

(Pause)

THE DOCTOR: And... erm... this bus token.

ROSE: Right. (beat) I guess that will do. BUT I WANT MORE NEXT YEAR YOU BASTARD!

THE DOCTOR: Right, right, okay...

DONNA: And what about me, Doctor? I've stuck by you more loyally than any of these losers..

THE DOCTOR: That you have, Donna, that you have... and that's why your reward is EXTRA special...

DONNA: Oh boy!

THE DOCTOR: You... get your mind wiped by yours truly and dumped in a ditch.

DONNA: Oh - what?!?

THE DOCTOR: ZAP!

DONNA: *THUMP*

THE DOCTOR: I do love a happy ending. Th-th-th-th-that's all folks!

NEXT YEAR - THOSE CYBERMEN YOU ALL THOUGHT WERE SHIT ARE BACK AGAIN! BUT IT CAN'T BE AS LAME AS THIS...

11 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Hilarious. Martha's unseen fiance makes much more sense, though I was uncertain as to which "Adam" was being beheaded. The magic pencils gag is a firm favorite of mine.

I take it from the subtext that Journey's End did not unduly impress you. I can honestly disagree as I managed to come up with a much better version in my head (WITH Nicholas Briggs as the 11th Doctor), but there's a kind of Love and Monsters feel to it - in that the stuff I don't like is entirely the point. It's pure utter fanwank RTD celebration, so it's kind of to complain about that, since you know, he gave us Midnight if we want something with a brain attached to it.

I found Donna's fate very sad, since unlike Jamie and Zoe she can't get her memory back without having a brain siezure and dying after two minutes. Nevertheless, you just KNOW there'll be some episode 12 cliffhanger with CT turning up compos mentes...

The stuff about the Hand Doctor being a sex toy didn't amuse me as much as it could have, since I just suffered Alan Stevens screaming, "ROSE HAS A DOCTOR-SHAPED VIBRATOR!" for 400 posts on BTS... which kills the humor somewhat...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

though I was uncertain as to which "Adam" was being beheaded.

Adam Mitchell. I forgot his last name when I wrote it.

Or Adam Who-Is-Definitely-Not-An-Eco-Terrorist.

Works both ways, though.

I take it from the subtext that Journey's End did not unduly impress you.

I enjoyed the first half enough, because it settled down and actually tried to have a plot (Wort a fucking noffel concept!) and gave the companions a lot to do after the mess of TSE, variable as ever, but the endings went on for frigging ever in self-indulgence and...

Well, I'm pissed off firstly by wiping out the Daleks AGAIN (Give yourself a fucking get-out clause!), NOT providing a reset switch (It's just TOO BIG), and as I made clear, the way that Rose is given everything, even though she's nothing left to offer, and Donna is thrown on the scrapheap. Even though the idea of Donna going off to be the Doctor to another Universe is so utterly perfect. Or her teaming up with Jenny.

I found Donna's fate very sad

Yes, but it's an ARTIFICIAL sadness! It's all made up of technobabble pulled out at the last minute to give this a dark ending to - you know what - leave the Doctor brooding and lonely AGAIN. Because heaven forbid he have a fucking happy ending to a companion story now.

Okay, so the idea of a human brain not being able to handle a Time Lord mind does make some sense - it can't just be pulled out? He can shunt bucketloads of energy into a frigging semi-living chunk of flesh, but he can't do anything to effectively reverse the process? Even with all of his telepathic powers he pulls out all the time? He has a device to put his entire mind into a watch and pull it out again, but can't get it out of Donna's head? No devices like that, AT ALL? Can erase two years of memory (without her noticing two years have passed!) but can't do the same for 2 hours?

I fucking liked Donna! And they bend over backwards to give her an unhappy ending while all the others go off happier than ever!

The stuff about the Hand Doctor being a sex toy didn't amuse me as much as it could have, since I just suffered Alan Stevens screaming, "ROSE HAS A DOCTOR-SHAPED VIBRATOR!" for 400 posts on BTS... which kills the humor somewhat...

Well, yes. But... it is true.

Youth of Australia said...

Adam Mitchell. I forgot his last name when I wrote it. Or Adam Who-Is-Definitely-Not-An-Eco-Terrorist. Works both ways, though.
LOLPW.

I enjoyed the first half enough, because it settled down and actually tried to have a plot (Wort a fucking noffel concept!) and gave the companions a lot to do after the mess of TSE, variable as ever, but the endings went on for frigging ever in self-indulgence and...
Yeah. It was 'saying goodbye to the spin off characters' bit that bugged me. Did Mickey get any actual dialogue beyond "I exist, I shall now join Torchwood and piss off Adolf Hitler?" And the Doctor wrecking Jack's teleport was...

I'm not thinking straight, but it's stupid! The Doctor took away Jack's time travel ability, fair enough, but what's the big deal about a teleport? Martha has one! Why did he take it away? Simple, because it's a dues ex machina for Torchwood continuity. Same way the Hub gets for one story only an impenetrable force field that breaks down oh so conveniently for no real reason. At all.

Well, I'm pissed off firstly by wiping out the Daleks AGAIN (Give yourself a fucking get-out clause!),
Ah, well, I agreed till I saw Confidential where RTD says that he instinctively wrote it in the belief that Davros teleported himself away to safety to start over and that at no stage did ANYONE think "Davros is dead".

Still, it is kind of terminal this time round. I mean, even with Bad Wolf zapping the Daleks, I found a get out clause (she got distracted before she caught the ones Jack Anne Robinsoned to the other side of the milky way)... but here Dalek Caan sets them all up to explode! How the hell do you get out of that?

NOT providing a reset switch (It's just TOO BIG),
I might have coped with a Dalek invasion of the entire Earth that only blew up a few military installations and kidnapped a bunch of suburbia rejects... but come on! THEY HAD STREET PARTIES FIVE MINUTES AFTER EARTH RETURNED TO NORMAL!!!

and as I made clear, the way that Rose is given everything, even though she's nothing left to offer,
That was, I think, balanced by the way no one will ever ask for her to come back. I mean... no. She doesn't need to. She got her happy ending and the Doctor is quite patently over her (good on ya, Thete!), and all in all you really get the "any excuse to get Billie back" vibe.

and Donna is thrown on the scrapheap. Even though the idea of Donna going off to be the Doctor to another Universe is so utterly perfect. Or her teaming up with Jenny.
Jenny DONNA! WHY?! THAT COULDA BEEN THE ANTI MATTER OPPOSITE OF K9 AND COMPANY!!!

Seriously though, I don't know why they wrote her out so permanently. I mean, it's not like CT's unhappy playing Donna... her enjoyment of the whole DW experience increased every day, so she says.

Yes, but it's an ARTIFICIAL sadness! It's all made up of technobabble pulled out at the last minute to give this a dark ending to - you know what - leave the Doctor brooding and lonely AGAIN. Because heaven forbid he have a fucking happy ending to a companion story now.
...you missed the bit where we go, "an ending deemed too crap for Charley E Pollard".

And, yeah. I agree. The Doctor's self-sacrifice-broodiness was well enough established ditching Rose. That "improved" version in my head has the Doctor being forced to erase Donna's mind, but he leaves her with Wilf saying, "There's something out in the universe that will save her. And I will find it. And bring it back. Look after her till then." and it would end with the Doctor setting off with a purpose (though to all intents and purposes, he's just wandering until he stumbles across the magical cure), maybe saying, "The spaceman's got work to do," before the credits roll.

Okay, so the idea of a human brain not being able to handle a Time Lord mind does make some sense - it can't just be pulled out? He can shunt bucketloads of energy into a frigging semi-living chunk of flesh, but he can't do anything to effectively reverse the process? Even with all of his telepathic powers he pulls out all the time? He has a device to put his entire mind into a watch and pull it out again, but can't get it out of Donna's head? No devices like that, AT ALL? Can erase two years of memory (without her noticing two years have passed!) but can't do the same for 2 hours?
My original thought was that her brain implosion or whatever was too far gone to do that... but that begs the question of why he doesn't tell HandDoc to pilot the TARDIS and tow Earth while he instantly tries to save Donna. He KNOWS what's going to happen!

I fucking liked Donna! And they bend over backwards to give her an unhappy ending while all the others go off happier than ever!
The worst bit was she said she didn't want to live like that. She BEGS the Doctor not to send her back. She would rather spark out in the TARDIS than go back the way she was. But he still did it.

Fuck, RTD, couldn't you have killed Sylvia instead?

Well, yes. But... it is true.
See, I'm not explaining myself right. Yes, that's more or less true BUT Nyder's going on that Doctor Who is endorsing sex dolls in lieu of meaningful relationships, as the moral of the story is that Rose is happy with a fake DT and so shouldn't settle for the real thing...

I hate that ignorant fucktard.

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, and am I the only one who was kinda hoping for a Big Finish scene between the Doctor and Davros, with...

DAVROS: Your children of time. You turn them into murderers and sacrifice themself for your own ends.

DOCTOR: What the FUCK do I care what you think, Davro, you cunt?! You BLEW UP YOUR OWN PEOPLE you hypocritical shit, you do NOT give me crap BECAUSE I WON THE FUCKING WAR AND YOU RAN AWAY WITH YOUR ARSE ON FIRE! JACK, NUKE THESE SHITS!!!

...

Which is how 6 and 8 handled him.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yeah. It was 'saying goodbye to the spin off characters' bit that bugged me.

Or 'the final half hour' as it is also known...

Did Mickey get any actual dialogue beyond "I exist, I shall now join Torchwood and piss off Adolf Hitler?"

Lol. No, his presence was utterly superfluous, along with Jacqui's, as soon as they'd saved Sarah-Jane's life.

The Doctor took away Jack's time travel ability, fair enough, but what's the big deal about a teleport? Martha has one! Why did he take it away? Simple, because it's a dues ex machina for Torchwood continuity. Same way the Hub gets for one story only an impenetrable force field that breaks down oh so conveniently for no real reason. At all.

Yep. And at the same time Sarah-Jane apparently carrying a massive bomb on a necklace and the UN developing a doomsday device that Farnsworth would think twice about building that is only ever possibly useful in this EXACT situation!

RTD says that he instinctively wrote it in the belief that Davros teleported himself away to safety to start over and that at no stage did ANYONE think "Davros is dead".

Yeah, but... I dunno, I just think if HALF the Dalek fleet is destroyed somehow and they go "Shit, this is a bit rough" and fly off to recover would the audience feel let down? I mean, the Doctor wins and they get their pyrotechnics!

To me, it's like if every episode of Sharpe ended with Napoleon's entire army getting killed, and the next starting with him raising a new one.

Still, it is kind of terminal this time round. I mean, even with Bad Wolf zapping the Daleks, I found a get out clause (she got distracted before she caught the ones Jack Anne Robinsoned to the other side of the milky way)...

At the time I seriously thought "Well, that's it for the Daleks..."

I know. I was naive.

That was, I think, balanced by the way no one will ever ask for her to come back. I mean... no. She doesn't need to. She got her happy ending

I thought, for MOST intents and purposes her original ending was happy for her. In the long-run, you understand, I'm not a retard who couldn't tell it was a sad moment. But she got all of her family and friends, basically, a good job... not to say that her coming back wasn't good (The setup in Turn Left was fucking awesome) but the idea went NOWHERE. And then she gets an even more unbelievably perfect ending. And still isn't happy. My thoughts - WHAT A BITCH!

Seriously though, I don't know why they wrote her out so permanently. I mean, it's not like CT's unhappy playing Donna... her enjoyment of the whole DW experience increased every day, so she says.

Seemingly just on the offensive to break my heart.

I would have preferred "Donna.. did YOU betray ME?"

...you missed the bit where we go, "an ending deemed too crap for Charley E Pollard".

Erm... aha, yes I remember the bit you're referring to.

Man, The Girl Who Never Was was a really good story, eh? Times like this I appreciate it more..

and it would end with the Doctor setting off with a purpose (though to all intents and purposes, he's just wandering until he stumbles across the magical cure), maybe saying, "The spaceman's got work to do," before the credits roll.

Okay, THAT kicks some arse. Pat yourself on the back, mate.

The worst bit was she said she didn't want to live like that. She BEGS the Doctor not to send her back. She would rather spark out in the TARDIS than go back the way she was. But he still did it.

Yeah, it's... sigh. Just aggrivating, really..

BUT Nyder's going on that Doctor Who is endorsing sex dolls in lieu of meaningful relationships, as the moral of the story is that Rose is happy with a fake DT and so shouldn't settle for the real thing...

Oh. Oh. I see. Yes. He's an arsehole.

MAYBE you could make a similar argument with Jack's strong endorsement of the whore lifestyle. But... no.

Oh, and am I the only one who was kinda hoping for a Big Finish scene between the Doctor and Davros, with...

That's a good point, Davros seemed to come off best in the verbal sparring this time round.

Now THAT'S different...

Cameron Mason said...

Sod it, I'm making my own ending to Journey's End.

Donna headbutts Davros with such force that his brittle head shatters and Donna follows through and knocks herself out on his head brace, giving herself amnesia.

The Dalek Supreme takes up Diana Ross's offer to join her Supremes concert tour and the rest of the Daleks commit suicide en masse when they find out that crazy Caan is now their leader.

Cameron

Cameron Mason said...


Seriously though, I don't know why they wrote her out so permanently. I mean, it's not like CT's unhappy playing Donna... her enjoyment of the whole DW experience increased every day, so she says.


May be it's the whole "Catherine Tate won't want to do more than one episode." vibe that meant that Donna wasn't the Series Three companion coming back to the production team.

Until more BTS goss leaks, it's hard to tell if Catherine decided to only do one year (albeit telling them she'd like to return in a couple of years time), or if they only offered her one year.

Camero

Youth of Australia said...

Or 'the final half hour' as it is also known...
Nah, I was referring to the bit in the park. (Yeah, if my street just had flying Daleks blowing people up, I'd be more than prepared to take my baby out to the park within fifteen minutes)

Lol. No, his presence was utterly superfluous, along with Jacqui's, as soon as they'd saved Sarah-Jane's life.
Why she didn't settle for a cameo on BWB, I dunno. I mean, that was the only time she actually had anything to do with the plot. (I love the 'named the baby Doctor' gag... mainly because there's a huge amount of fanfics with that EXACT SAME IDEA...).

Yep. And at the same time Sarah-Jane apparently carrying a massive bomb on a necklace and the UN developing a doomsday device that Farnsworth would think twice about building that is only ever possibly useful in this EXACT situation!
I ALMOST bought the necklace bomb, since TSJAs have her with a backlog of stuff from that soothsayer. I'm not justifying the plothole, but it's a consistent one at the very least.

As for the OH Key, total waste of time. Could have just had Gwen and Ianto open the rift for similar chaos. ABBADON VERSUS DALEKS!!!!

...no? No.

Yeah, but... I dunno, I just think if HALF the Dalek fleet is destroyed somehow and they go "Shit, this is a bit rough" and fly off to recover would the audience feel let down? I mean, the Doctor wins and they get their pyrotechnics!
True, but it works that Dalek Caan wanted race suicide... Of course, it didn't have to WORK. It could have had the Supreme Dalek screaming, "ACK! FIREWALL!" and having a handfull of ships surviving... but beyond that lies more of the version in my head.

To me, it's like if every episode of Sharpe ended with Napoleon's entire army getting killed, and the next starting with him raising a new one.
Yup. Part of what DIM ruined me was the idea of the Cult of Skaro being regular enemies of a weaker Dalek empire that DIDN'T need to be annihilated every week.

At the time I seriously thought "Well, that's it for the Daleks..."
I know. I was naive.

Yeah. Of course, when they wrote that there was no guarantee the Daleks would ever be on TV again, so it joins the other "proper" endings like The Daleks, Evil of the Daleks and Rememberance.

I thought, for MOST intents and purposes her original ending was happy for her. In the long-run, you understand, I'm not a retard who couldn't tell it was a sad moment. But she got all of her family and friends, basically, a good job... not to say that her coming back wasn't good (The setup in Turn Left was fucking awesome) but the idea went NOWHERE. And then she gets an even more unbelievably perfect ending. And still isn't happy. My thoughts - WHAT A BITCH!
Well, I was speaking from the point of view of the shippers. And I liked Rose going, "Um, no, I don't actually want the clone in blue." rather than automatically accepting it. It's just like the last two season finales, where she turns down the Doctor's offers of an alternate lifestyle.

Seemingly just on the offensive to break my heart.
...WHY SPARE SYLVIA?!? WHY?!?!?

I would have preferred "Donna.. did YOU betray ME?"
She EARNED that kind of ending. Hell, the Doctor going "You know how I said if you ever called me 'spaceman' again, I'd murder you in cold blood?" would have been a better ending. Like that Farscape ep Crackers Don't Matter where the star crossed lovers charge at each other simultaneously firing guns...

Erm... aha, yes I remember the bit you're referring to.
Man, The Girl Who Never Was was a really good story, eh? Times like this I appreciate it more..

It's not one of my favorites, but it was a lot better than I thought at the time.

Okay, THAT kicks some arse. Pat yourself on the back, mate.
It would be the easiest of story arcs. In a quiet part of the episode, the Doctor asks, "BTW, you got anything for brain repairing?" as he and Cal Wilson tour the universe...

Yeah, it's... sigh. Just aggrivating, really..
Which is why my version has him add, "This'll only be temporary... I hope."

Oh. Oh. I see. Yes. He's an arsehole.
He's got a blog like us, you know...

That's a good point, Davros seemed to come off best in the verbal sparring this time round.
Now THAT'S different...

I guess so. I wanted a bit more of the...
"It has been so long, Doctor. We must..."
"Shut up with the damn nostalgia! EVERY TIME!"

I was so hoping that after Davros' big speech (the "oh... and the universe is ending" made us laugh a lot), the Doctor would just laugh in Davros' face, and Davros would go, "What? Did I miss something? No, I didn't. You're screwed. I didn't miss something! What did I miss?"

And the Doctor would go, "Nah, you've won. Just wanted to mess with you one last time..."

Miles Reid said...

Oh come on, it's quite obvious that it isn't going to last between Rose and the Korean Bootleg Human Doctor. That look they share at the end isn't 'OMG I'm so happy, happy in love'. It's effectivly, 'I'm/You're in love with the real Doctor.'

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Guh? What are all you kids doing on my blog?? Go to sleep for a few hours and this is what happens..


@Cam
Donna headbutts Davros with such force that his brittle head shatters and Donna follows through and knocks herself out on his head brace, giving herself amnesia.

Yeah, that is a bit odd that nobody seems to ever try and just kick Davros' arse in any of his appearances, considering that he's a zombified cripple. (Now a zombified cripple with bugger all flesh to hold him together..)

The Dalek Supreme takes up Diana Ross's offer to join her Supremes concert tour and the rest of the Daleks commit suicide en masse when they find out that crazy Caan is now their leader.

"Ahaha, my brother Daleks, the stroving tides of the Anuban moons shall lead us to our choice - the choice of destiny or... DESCEEEENT HEHEHEHEHEHE!"

"Erm... what does that mean in practical terms?"

"Where the hell is 'Anuba' anyway?"

"Ahaha, seven questions shall be asked of me - but only FIVE answers given AHEHAHAHAHAHEHE!"

"Fuck this"

*BOOOOOM*

"Oh. I guess I'm not omniscient after all.... HEHHEHEHEHE!"

(Yeah, if my street just had flying Daleks blowing people up, I'd be more than prepared to take my baby out to the park within fifteen minutes)

Well, it was a nice sunny day...

(I love the 'named the baby Doctor' gag... mainly because there's a huge amount of fanfics with that EXACT SAME IDEA...).

I must just stay away from those sort of fanfics then...

Why didn't Pete get a cameo? Seems ridiculous to ask for more cameos I know but I was wondering if Shaun Dingwell was busy or something..

As for the OH Key, total waste of time. Could have just had Gwen and Ianto open the rift for similar chaos. ABBADON VERSUS DALEKS!!!!

...no? No.


Well, it's definitely better..

Yup. Part of what DIM ruined me was the idea of the Cult of Skaro being regular enemies of a weaker Dalek empire that DIDN'T need to be annihilated every week.

I know, I know... what could have been *sigh*.

Of course, when they wrote that there was no guarantee the Daleks would ever be on TV again, so it joins the other "proper" endings like The Daleks, Evil of the Daleks and Rememberance.

Ah, good point..

And I liked Rose going, "Um, no, I don't actually want the clone in blue." rather than automatically accepting it. It's just like the last two season finales, where she turns down the Doctor's offers of an alternate lifestyle.

I guess I'm just sick of it is what I'm getting at...

He's got a blog like us, you know...

Well, that clinches it..

I guess so. I wanted a bit more of the...
"It has been so long, Doctor. We must..."
"Shut up with the damn nostalgia! EVERY TIME!"


Lol. You want a decent Davros showdown, you need to bring in Colin Baker. It's all there is to it...

I was so hoping that after Davros' big speech (the "oh... and the universe is ending" made us laugh a lot), the Doctor would just laugh in Davros' face, and Davros would go, "What? Did I miss something? No, I didn't. You're screwed. I didn't miss something! What did I miss?"

And the Doctor would go, "Nah, you've won. Just wanted to mess with you one last time..."


So are you going to do the whole "If *I* Had Written Journey's End" or just further tantalize me with these scraps?

@Miles

Oh come on, it's quite obvious that it isn't going to last between Rose and the Korean Bootleg Human Doctor.

Yeah. I know. And I couldn't really give a toss.

Just when Turn Left makes Rose Tyler interesting again, JE has to go and make her duller than ever...

Youth of Australia said...

I started putting it up but then I got all tired...