Monday, July 14, 2008

Kaston Iago Goes on a Date

IAGO: What do you think of the flowers they have here?

WOMAN: Pretty good. They bloom strong, at any rate.

IAGO: I can't grow any like these..

WOMAN: Are you a gardener?

IAGO: No. I'm a psychopath.

WOMAN: Yes... you've mentioned that a few times. What I meant was.. in your spare time..

IAGO: A man with spare time hasn't killed enough.

(Beat)

IAGO: That's what my father said, anyway.

WOMAN: Right-e-oh... was he committed?

IAGO: Only to killing.

WOMAN: ...

IAGO: To answer your earlier question I do fertilise my own flowers with the corpses of my enemies.

WOMAN: ...

IAGO: Are we going to fuck or what?

* * *

IAGO: So.. you ever killed anybody?

WOMAN: Um, no.

IAGO: You're missing out!

WOMAN: Didn't you steal that from Jekyll?

IAGO: Jekyll stole that from ME! And I killed it.

WOMAN: You killed a TV show?

IAGO: I'm unstable. People tell me it shows. Are you wet yet? I was hoping I wouldn't have to pay for more than the entrees..

* * *

WOMAN: So, anyway, I guess you'd be interested in my line of work...

IAGO: Not partiuclarly. In my spare time I hacked into your offices security grid and watched you at work. I learnt all I needed to know.

WOMAN: Erm... wow.

IAGO: I know. I have my romantic moments. Is there a draft?

WOMAN: No, I'm just.. moving my chair around.

IAGO: I don't like movement. It makes my trigger finger itch.

WOMAN: But you don't have a gun.

IAGO: I don't like itchy fingers.

WOMAN: ..was that meant to be a clever line?

IAGO: Hey, do I watch your work and criticse you?

WOMAN: Yes. You just told me so.

IAGO: Ah. You have a point... I think we need some oysters..

* * *

IAGO: How's your veal?

WOMAN: A little undercooked. Yours?

IAGO: Like human flesh. But that means I like it.

WOMAN: Let me guess, you ate the Butcher of Zercai or some such crap?

IAGO: Bits of him.

(Beat)

IAGO: Wait... that snappy retort didn't work, did it?

WOMAN: It did not.

IAGO: It made me sound like I was homosexual.

WOMAN: Very.

IAGO: Damn. I used to be really good at this. Like that guy who I was beating up, and I was all "You know who I am, fat man?" and he was "ZOMG u bastard!" and so I said, heh, get this... "That's WHAT I am, not WHO I am!" Heh. Hehehe.

WOMAN: Hilarious.

IAGO: I came up with that one before hand. It was very lucky that he said "Bastard" actually. I've used it before when people have said "Shit" or "Bollocks" and... it doesn't quite work, you know?

WOMAN: Yes, I get the idea. So... why were you beating him up?

IAGO: He was going to arrest me!

WOMAN: Oh, that's just rude, isn't it?

IAGO: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or just madly amorous you're pretending to be a stand-offish bitch to lure me in.

WOMAN: Try harder.

IAGO: Damnit. You're getting the checque.

WOMAN: Piss off!

IAGO: Oh, I intend to!

WOMAN: That one didn't work either.

* * *

IAGO: Oh, God... how can this night get any worse?

UVANOV (off): I-ah-go! I-AH-GO!

IAGO: No... not him...

(Uvanov runs in wearing a dressing gown)

UVANOV: Damnit, I-ah-go, how many times do I need to tell you to check my bed for SPIDERS?!

IAGO: Was there a spider?

UVANOV: No, but I could tell that you hadn't checked! One of these days LANDAH-CHILD is going to put one in there to humiliate me!

IAGO: He doesn't need to - you can open your mouth fine without a spider's help.

WOMAN: Oh, that one actually was quite clever.

IAGO: Does that mean we ARE having sex?

WOMAN: A clue: no.

UVANOV: Who's the whore?

IAGO: Your daughter.

UVANOV: Oh, of course! Hello Sophie.

WOMAN: Dad. Still the planet's biggest arsehole?

UVANOV: Well, I-ah-go's giving me a run for my money. I've had to start pronouncing everybody's names in a ridiculous manner to compete. LANDAH-CHILD!

IAGO: Whatever. I'm going to go masturbate over some crime scene photos.

(Carnell sticks his head out from under the table)

CARNELL: Schroedinger's Cat!


FIN


Coming soon: A critical response to Kaldor City

[It shall be more sensible than this. And the series itself]

3 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

That is just genius. I mean, you get the vocal patterns right, the plot works and there's the nagging feeling that if you took the actual jokes out, it'd be a genuine part of the KC canon.

(Though I dare say if Paul Darrow read the exact same lines, he could still seduce Unnamed Woman... ah, the Verkoff Factor.)

Did I mention Lighthope from the DWADs is posting on my blog? This is a week for god botherers, isn't it?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

That is just genius. I mean, you get the vocal patterns right, the plot works and there's the nagging feeling that if you took the actual jokes out, it'd be a genuine part of the KC canon.

Lol, that's what I was hoping for. There's something... massively foney feeling about everything in KC that I thought was just begging to have the piss taken out of it.

Though I dare say if Paul Darrow read the exact same lines, he could still seduce Unnamed Woman... ah, the Verkoff Factor.)

Well, probably true... but I found something disturbing about Iago's liasons. I couldn't escape the feeling that he was a big Alan Stevens Mary-Sue rather than an actual person..

Did I mention Lighthope from the DWADs is posting on my blog?

WHAT? Oh, so he is... that's new..

Water off a duck's back with that bloke isn't it? Ah, well, he's harmless...

Youth of Australia said...

Lol, that's what I was hoping for. There's something... massively foney feeling about everything in KC that I thought was just begging to have the piss taken out of it.
That's probably part of the Fendahl's evil plan... and anyone that disagrees is stupid.

Well, probably true... but I found something disturbing about Iago's liasons. I couldn't escape the feeling that he was a big Alan Stevens Mary-Sue rather than an actual person..
Reason why Fiona Moore isn't much of an online presence # 876342...

WHAT? Oh, so he is... that's new..
Water off a duck's back with that bloke isn't it? Ah, well, he's harmless...

Maybe. Creepy though, especially how his blogger id redirects to part of my blog that doesn't exist.