Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Jeff Fenech Code

Okay, this is a weird one. But delving through my old text files again and I find this... hoo-boy. A clip from Jeff Fenech that they played on Get This constantly, asking in vain as to what the meaning trying to be conveyed could possibly be. Came from Today Tonight, naturally. Sadly, I've been unable to find any sort of link to the original .mp3, but I did transcribe it at the start of the text. It's

"Is, is not a crime at all. Like I said, I, I can be with Frank Tenane and tell him to shoot you an if he shoots you and I di'n't mean to tell him, I'm joking, they shoot me, huh? You say he shoot ya?"

"Don't shoot me, Frank."

"Tha's'fo'sure. But I'm just saying, if I told Frank to jump off the harbour, told you not to land in front of the harbour bridge and jump off the harbour bridge and ya jump.... I don't want ya jumpin off tha harbour bridge!"


Now for the FACTS

Time to crack this riddle once and for all. What becomes immediately apparent, is that whatever Fenech is referring to, is not in anyway illegal. Even if it is, as it seems to be, conspiracy to commit murder. Which creates a bit of a dilemma, because murder is quite obviously a crime in our country. This suggests that Fenech is actually referring to an altogether foreign justice system that he is familiar with from years of travel.

Like I said, I, I can be with Frank Tenane and tell him to shoot you an if he shoots you and I di'n't mean to tell him, I'm joking, they shoot me, huh?

This passage reveals that Fenech is just another victim of the notorious 'Frank Tenane' - most likely not his real name. If Fenech is to innocently suggest, in a half-sarcastic manner to this heavily-armed psychopath, get this, he will actually kill them. If Fenech is then to comment at all on in dissatisfaction on, say, the manner of execution applied, or the fact that the execution happened at all, he himself is to be immediately executed. The 'huh' punctuating this information betrays a genuine surprise that the other can be unaware of this status quo, which means that Fenech believes this is quite normal. He is utterly accepting of the rules of Tenane's overlordship, suggesting that there is something of a Stockholm-Syndrome taint to their relationship, given the expansive freedoms given to braindead and retired former heavyweight champions in our modern society.

You say he shoot ya?

This can be put down to simple confusion on Fenech's part, due to mishearing an earlier question, he is clearly under the impression that the interviewer has told him that Tenane shot him. As heard in the audio, there is much confusion at the point, so clearly Tenane has a reputation for incredible efficiency in his work. Possibly he is also unnerved by the prospect of being interviewed by an undead, walking corpse of a journalist whom has been slayed in the not-too-distant past by his pimp-like murdering retainer. This in turn unravels another layer to the relationship, as although Fenech believes that this guardianship is both normal and benevolent, he yet fears recompense and clearly guilt for those who are mowed down in his path to retired boxer oblivion-land. He can not argue that he is unable to decipher the difference between right and wrong on this evidence.

Don't shoot me, Frank.

Every way that this interruption from the interviewer can be read is disturbing.

a) Frank is in the room at this point, with a loaded gun.

b) Having encountered Frank before, it left such an impact on the interviewer that he regularly hallucinates the man in front of him, holding a gun.

c) Fenech himself is holding a gun at this point, and through his own searingly ethical Walkley-award winning journalism skills the interviewer has deduced a disturbing truth - that Fenech and 'Frank' are the same man!

Let us therefore assume that these are all true.


Tha's'fo'sure.

An Aramaic phrase that roughly translates to "Haha, you are embroiled in my wed, o fly of flies. Your pennance shall be as the burning skies to the earthworm in bed, know what I am speaking of?" only recorded once in all of recorded text, and that in a small graffito found at the outdoor lavatory of Ozymandias. Such casual use of such errata indicates that Jeff Fenech is a man of far greater learning than previously indicated, and one of sinister intent.


But I'm just saying,

Covering his tracks rapidly, instantly regretting that previous comment that reveals so much and attempting to defuse (or appear to defuse) the situation...


if I told Frank to jump off the harbour

Okay, this is where things get complicated. He attempts here to imagine a scenario wherein Frank Tenane would commit suicide via leaping into Sydney Harbour. The very thought, though, appears to send him into a terrifying spiral of instability, and he is quick to present a new hypothetical..

told you not to land in front of the harbour bridge

...to one wherein the interviewer is asked not to land in front of the Sydney harbour bridge. (We shall ignore the fact that the bridge does not really have a 'front' for the timebeing..)

and jump off the harbour bridge

He feels that what he has proposed is insufficient for true intellectual stimulation, and so bids to complicate the matter, by proposing the idea of him landing and jumping at the very same instant - a notion toying with the concepts of Quantum mechanics, a form of Schroedinger cat concerned with duality and the potential for conflicting actions carried at the same instant the more controversial models for the structure of time itself. Pondering the question of whether, if both these actions were to be undertaken at the same instant.. what would happen to the fabric of reality?

and ya jump.... I don't want ya jumpin off tha harbour bridge!

Sadly, at the point of realising his Einstein-esque thought experiment, his own bruised and battered brain buckles and collapses in on itself. Tragically, the inner-workings of Fenech's Leap remains lost to time, leaving nothing but dim assurances that he does not wish to see complete strangers commit suicide senselessly. This can be read as either a triumph or a temporary set-back for the sinister, all-encompassing force of Frank Tenane, depending on whether one considers this mythical personage to be either another personality of Fenech's devising or a corporeal form unto itself. Whichsoever it may be, it cannot be but read as a disturbing tragedy.



I am so fucking high right now.




(NB: Of course I am actually not, being one of the sobrest people in Australia in all regards (er, well, one or two regards I guess) but I needed a punchline and for a change 'Fuck you!' didn't quite seem adequate..)

18 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Bah. I could use being high now. My computer crashed and took with it my spoof of "Exile" - the worst ever Big Finish production. And that's not MY opinion, that's THEIR opinion. This is the story they are ashamed of, the one they think "yeah, we screwed up there". Not The Next Life. Not Creed of Kromon. Not The Kingmaker. Not even Boy That Time Forgot.

This.

And I had finished the whole thing and now my computer insists it never happened and god DAMN I'm annoyed. It means I'll have to suffer through it ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

...how come I've never heard of this story before?? I mean... how could it be that bad?

I guess if you got me a copy I could take the bullet. Mind you, with my record I'd be taken the bullet over a few months..

Youth of Australia said...

It's by Nicholas Briggs. With him as the Second Doctor. To escape the Time Lords, he commits suicide and regenerates into a woman who spends her life getting drunk and working at a supermarket. Then a Time Lord played by David Tennant arrives with his wacky comic sidekick, beat her up and kill her.

The end.

The most hilarious thing about it is Nick Briggs, while writing this story, ringing up Rob Shearman in the middle of the night and asking, "Hey, if you don't laugh at your own jokes, does that mean they're not REALLY funny?"

Robby just hung up.

But yeah, I can send it to you, piss easy. Anything else you'd like me to put on the disc?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

The most hilarious thing about it is Nick Briggs, while writing this story, ringing up Rob Shearman in the middle of the night and asking, "Hey, if you don't laugh at your own jokes, does that mean they're not REALLY funny?"

Hehe, yeah, immediately after posting I read up on it through Wiki and other stuff. Surely a Bottom-crossover would be the way to go?

And what's more, it proved a theory of mine, formed after fruitless glances at the BF subforum on OG, that OG is the absolute last place to go to get any sensible (read: not gushing to the worrying point of the Jeffry Coburn handbook) views on any BF story to go. Somehow it completely lacks the cynicism of the rest of the place, existing in some sort of critical lobotomy.

IT SICKENS ME!

Ahem, anyway I proved this by finding some adoring praise for Exile!

cda79: "I thought it was great - I know two other people who buy Big Finish releases and both of them thought it was great as well"

AukonDK: "Well I quite enjoyed Exile. It was very silly and vulgar in places but it was fun. The original brief for Unbound was not just a "What If?" but also telling a Dr Who story in an unusual style. So I think it works in the ensemble of styles we had in the other DW:U plays."

FitzKreiner: "I enjoyed Exile, thought Arrabella was great as the Doctor, and would recommend it just so that you can formulate your own opinions of it - for instance concensus is that 'Colditz' is crap - it isn't for me, its bloody marvellous!"

drtodd12: "I enjoyed Exile as silly aprochrypha."

MisterHarry: "I enjoyed it. It's not the best story BF produced, and it's certainly not highbrow entertainment, but it has its moments. It would probably help if you were a fan of things like Bottom or Men Behaving Badly . If not, then perhaps this one isn't for you."


Arfie Mansfield: "I liked Exile. Admittedly, it has a great many flaws, but at its heart there's some good stuff. I'm unlikely to listen to it again, but I don't regret my first listen."

HigHurtenflurst: "I really liked Exile. The opening scenes do get a bit overkill with the bodily functions, but after the early vomiting scene it settles down into a very enjoyable story. The Doctor gets the opportunity to be an "everyman" for once, as the story explores the melancholy side of running away from your problems. Overall, though, it's a lovely melancholy with just enough of an edge of humor from the pursuing Time Lords, Nick Briggs' wonderful OTT previous Doctor, and Arabella's own performance. She eases into the role gradually, becoming more and more the Doctor we know as she makes up her mind to be the Doctor again.

Personally, this is the Unbound I have re-listened to more often than any other. Not perfect, mind you, but definitely not BF's worst release. Not by a long shot. 7/10."

grdx: "For my money, it's a darn site more enjoyable than Sympathy with Devil (It's just a run of the mill story, with an actor that I personally am not aware of in the lead) or even Full Fathom Five (Collings is excellent, but the conclusion of the play is really the only 'unbound element)

Exile has Cheese and Cherrie - the two bestcompanions that copuld never be!


BUY IT MAN!!!!! DON'T LISTEN TO THE WHINGERS!!!!!!!"

nickmellish: "I agree with all the praise- Exile is really good!"


In fact... twelve positive comments in that thread to five negative. It's completely pointless asking anyone what they think of any story in the BF forum because,guess what, THEY LOVE IT!!

There were some moments of sanity, though...

Oysterboy: "I like Bottom and MBB. It's just that Exile *wanted* to be like it, but failed a million times.

Imagine a 10 year old listening to MBB's jokes and writing down their interpratation. Imagine this 10 year old could write in the style of a 30 year old.

It's like that...."


But yeah, I can send it to you, piss easy. Anything else you'd like me to put on the disc?

Hmm, whatever Ashes to Ashes you've got, The Boy That Time Forgot (I've already got some ideas for a spoof and it didn't sound like you were interested...) the New 8 and Lucies and generally any Colin stories that kick arse.

And anything else you judge that I should have...

Youth of Australia said...

Arabella Weir is pretty good at the Doctor. The problem is it could have been ANYONE. If anything, it should have been a proper Doctor for maximum impact.

And it's not like Bottom, or Men Behaving Badly. People go to a pub, get drunk and fall over, but that's it. These people have to be the least funniest drunks ever. It's just them talking like they've had a stroke interspersed with cut and paste burps. You can hear the clicks between flatulence.

Right. I can do you the third ep of ATA (a bastard to download, it is), the whole second season of McGann/Lucie, TBTTF, but the only CB stories I have to hand are Assassin in the Spotlight (Abraham Lincoln time meddling stuff) and Nowhere Place (not bad). I can get you Music of the Spheres if you aren't in enough physical pain, Tom Baker's audiobook The Boy Who Kicked Pigs, The Slide, those RPG manuals, Aliens in the Mind.

Did I send you Banksy reads Iceberg?

And I worked out an idea to spoof "Boy". It simply replaces Adric with a different young male companion of the Fifth Doctor who died saving the lives of others and getting little to no recognition of the fact by fandom at large. The question is do I go for Angus Goodman or the stunt companion that the Fifth Doc has in "Haunting of Thomas Brewster" that was sold to everyone as the new fulltime companion and bought it right away...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Did I send you Banksy reads Iceberg?

Yep. Still going through the AVs, though...

And I worked out an idea to spoof "Boy". It simply replaces Adric with a different young male companion of the Fifth Doctor who died saving the lives of others and getting little to no recognition of the fact by fandom at large. The question is do I go for Angus Goodman or the stunt companion that the Fifth Doc has in "Haunting of Thomas Brewster" that was sold to everyone as the new fulltime companion and bought it right away...

Ah. See, I was thinking that the doctor deliberately decides to be a complete arsehole and goes back through his own timeline trashing ALL of his companions in the same mean-spirited way that the story does to Adric. And then he gets the nagging feeling that he's missed one, so sends the TARDIS onto the shuttle as it crashes, hoping to get some abuse in in the last few seconds, there's a crash and he's flung forward in time. Where Adric is living a peaceful life of kind-natured philanthropy to his mutant intelligent scorpion friends...

But whatever works out.

Youth of Australia said...

Ah. See, I was thinking that the doctor deliberately decides to be a complete arsehole and goes back through his own timeline trashing ALL of his companions in the same mean-spirited way that the story does to Adric.
It's more something Sixth would do rather than the Fifth...

And then he gets the nagging feeling that he's missed one, so sends the TARDIS onto the shuttle as it crashes, hoping to get some abuse in in the last few seconds, there's a crash and he's flung forward in time. Where Adric is living a peaceful life of kind-natured philanthropy to his mutant intelligent scorpion friends...
LOL.

My idea was the Fifth Doctor turning to Nyssa and going, "This guy is brilliant! He took a bullet for me! He is the best companion I ever had!" and they find a little old man poking a scorpion with a stick and giggling to himself...

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Anonymous said...

He could either be pushed off the Harbour Bridge, or stabbed off.