Saturday, August 2, 2008

Kaldor City: A Critical Response Part I

Kaldor City: A Critical Response

Byte I: Occam's Razor

or

"Paul Darrow >= Chuck Norris"


It seems fairly ironic to me that the opening episode's distinctly pretentious title should be the same as the form of logic that dictates that Kaston Iago is not Avon and that the series, therefore is not really a sequel to B7. This is, of course, because Kaston Iago has a completely different personality and significantly different motivation from Avon, has a different voice, and other biographical differences such as Iago being an expert on robotics (Avon isn't) and having belonged to a guild of assassins.

The Assassin's Guild stuff, more than anything else, destroys the idea that Iago and Avon are one and the same, due to the fact that their attitude to killing is so completely different. When Jenna asks Avon whether he could kill somebody his response is somewhat uncertain. Of course, this is an arguable continuity error because we find out that he killed an unnamed gangster who was supposed to supply him with an exit visa, but the retconning means that Avon is guardedly lying to Jenna. He does, of course, want Jenna on his side but why does he think she will disapprove? Vila acknowledges that they are all travelling with murderers "and they're the nice ones" and Jenna explains that she's dealt with most of them as a smuggler. To make sense of it, it seems logical to assume that Avon considers the murder a dirty little secret of his own.

In Shadow, significantly by a different author, Avon can be read as taking pleasure in a killing when he throws that Federation soldier down a cliff and deadpans "Next please". A moment that seems to have been the deciding factor in the scripting of every single line Iago ever utters throughout the series. Noticeably Paul Darrow doesn't smile when he says it - that tells us that Avon does not enjoy it. It doesn't necessarily tell us that Avon dislikes killing, of course, if anything suggesting that he sees it as a means to an end (which gels with his emotionless dispatchment of three Fed troopers in Harvest of Kairos), a purely functional pursuit. And when he says that line, he's asserting himself as stronger, quicker, and better at killing than anyone the Federation can send at him. They can send the next man. Because it will make no difference to him. That's what Darrow's reading suggests, anyway, and I think that if anybody knows Avon it's him.

Darrow also declared that Iago and Avon are not the same, in his view, which is why he also acts the role entirely differently and takes us back to... Occam's Razor. Checkmate, mofo.

Occam's Razor is as I'm sure everybody on the internet knows a smart-arse way of saying "Simple as that", because the idea it presupposes, that the simplest solution to explain an anomaly is almost always the correct one, ultimately seems quite simple to have such an obtuse title. It is a weighty and portentious title to give the story, and seems utterly inappropriate for the ensuing tale is neither easy to take seriously, nor very logical.

Uvanov finds a dead body of a fellow Boardmember and Firstmaster in his office. Then another one shows up. He goes crawling off immediately to Carnell for help... let's pause again here.

How does Carnell survive in Kaldor City? Why Kaldor, of all places? It becomes a plotpoint later on that Carnell realises that Iago is from off-world because he knows what a psychostrategist is (another point against the Avon theory seeing as he never meets Carnell nor even hears of him) and he 'must be the only person on the planet' to do so. An odd claim to make, seeing as his services are apparently open to whoever has the money and his customer base of Firstmasters do a lot of talking and Carnell constantly asserts himself as a psychostrategist. And the obvious conundrum of why anybody who has no idea what a psychostrategist does should be interested in paying them massive sums of money. Added onto this AGAIN is the fact that Carnell screws over his client base, seemingly for his own amusement. In a city where people are murdered with unfeasible regularity for the most insignificant of transgressions, this really is unbelievable. Then there's the matter of somebody who relies on an ordered existence so much picking one of the most chaotic places in the Universe for a business retreat.

Anyway, Carnell deduces that the murders are without an apparent motive, and the logical step is to investigate newcomers into Kaldor. A quick sweep finds the records on Kaston Iago, whom he know as a newcomer because the cold open featured him booking a room and delivering what was apparently a one-liner but only works if you imagine that this television and not radio. Uvanov immediately decides to set his security attack dogs, Rull and Cotton, onto him. So far, so good.

Iago overpowers Rull with minimal effort, because he called the lift to a lower floor and blasted his fellow officer the instant the doors opened. How exactly he achieved this is not explained, and we are left to assume that it was either psychic powers or he eschewed the luxury of his room for sitting in an armchair by the lift with a gun. He beats Rull senseless and gets him to call of the guards, before breaking into Uvanov's quarters. With a gun, naturally. He then demands that Uvanov makes him his bodyguard.

Are you seeing the flaws in the story's logic here? Uvanov accepts - how about now?

Right after Iago has outwitted the crack personal police force-cum-army of the most powerful man on the planet through unclear means, he screws the firstmaster's personal assistant, and discards her just as quickly, moving on to discovering who the murderer is with as many corny one-liners as possible. It's at this point a cynical person like myself may just suspect that Iago isn't really intended as a continuation of the character of Avon at all, but is in fact a Mary Sue created by a frustrated author, living out his warped fantasies of alpha-male paradise through unbridled sadism and hedonism in a world of clueless rich people willing to pay him large sums of money for no return, oblivious to his genius.

This streak continues as Iago makes the most ridiculous list of expenses possible for Uvanov to pay in order to effectively coat his office building in concrete and put springs in the basement. Okay, not really THAT but just about. I think the excess is supposed to be a piece of humour but, like many of Kaldor's forays, it falls flat, due to the schizophrenic nature of delivery. When Kaldor is serious, it is relentlessly serious, throwing swearwords, dead bodies, and generally 'grittiness' as the term is understood by Terrance Dicks at the audience with all too gay abandon. When it is trying to be funny, the jokes are pieces of strange absurdism and bouths of sketch-show behaviour from established characters which feels like breaking the first, second and third walls, let alone the fourth. The upshot of this is that Kaldor is generally funnier when it's trying to do it straight... in the Stevens/Moore episodes at any rate..

Anyway, the story moves on with Uvanov being called to a meeting of The Boardmembers. Get used to this as it happens a few times in the series and we're meant to take it as some sort of portentous occasion each time. From memory there are four speaking members - a guy to pad out the numbers, Uvanov, Devlin (she dies at the end) and ... LANDERCHILD!

Landerchild is the most boring and pointless character in the series, but is also ever-present. I am at a loss as to what the intention was. He stands in direct opposition to Uvanov and Iago at all times because they are what stands between him and Chairholder status which, in this sorry and rather perverse society amounts to Dictator of the Planet. So, his role is logically that of the villain. But.. he is not villainous. He behaves precisely the same way as everybody else does in the planet. If anything he's less of a bastard as Uvanov - consistently being shown as having a smaller staff and less connections - but it's constantly presented as dramatic when Landerchild comes close to getting his end (which only happens once or twice because he really isn't particularly competent)

To add insult, Landerchild doesn't even seem to have a personality. He is a cliched cipher of a standard upper-class snob*, yelling insults at Iago the moment that he realises that he isn't a well-born noble. And that's all that exists to his personality. It's as if the fact that he was played by the brilliant Peter Miles meant that nothing more had to be added to the character, but the result is that Miles glides through on auto-pilot, adding to the sheer, relentlessly dull-nature of all things Landerchild. I think the name is the only thing about him that I actually like.

Anyway, Iago gets full authority to investigate the killer. His method of doing so is going to a party where all the Firstmasters will be gathered, because obviously the next murder will occur in a place where the highest possible number of witnesses will be gathered together. (I'm being disingenuous here - there was probably a threatening letter or something in the story...) And Iago will just have to wait until somebody dies. Not prevent it, obviously, do you realise which series this is? Beforehand, though, he cleverly asks Carnell who will be killed. Carnell suggests two possible people, and going by the voting record, whoever is killed will suggest who the killer is...

And stop here. This is a little odd, is it not? A big chunk of the plot revolves around Carnell struggling to find patterns for the murders. Wouldn't one clue be that they're all Firstmasters, so this could be some sort of working-class uprising against the massively corrupt and massively stupid bastards governing the state? It certainly doesn't stretch my suspension of disbelief. And also the fact that Carnell is basing this all off voting records. There could be so many possible other motives for the killings..

So, yes, back to Iago at the party when somebody dies. A somebody who I don't think ever got any lines, but whomsoever it is it is the candidate that suggests that Devlin is responsible for the murders. Naturally, because this entire story is written with a very unimaginative and supremely stupid end-point in mind there is no consideration to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, our 'heroes' have been monitored during any of the dozens of conversations that they've had about this plan and the murder of Faceless Character #43 is a deliberate red herring to get them to assume that Devlin is the murderer and thus trap them. Although Kaldor plots are convoluted, they are also oddly narrow-minded in their convolutions, frustratingly avoiding something that could be potentially interesting at many, many turns. This could be part of Alan Stevens' goal, as this is afterall meant to be a series about manipulators being manipulated (insofar as it is about anything.. this shall be addressed later..) but I think I am giving him too much credit for lacklustre storytelling by even voicing the possibility.

So, progressing with what's left of the plot... as soon as whoever was killed is killed Rull and Cotton gatecrash Devlin's mansion in an APC and kill her entire security force. While Iago breaks into her house and shoots her in her bed. Now, you may think that this would have some repercussions, but in Kaldor City it does not. In fact, I was extremely confused at the fact that the city doesn't seem to have any police at all, let alone any semblence of law. And then small matters like, for instance, a spate of murders of Firstmasters in the city, which ends with Uvanov's goons killing a Firstmaster in a very public way. They've only got Uvanov and Carnell's word that Devlin is the murderer!

And then for the shock twist ending. She wasn't the murderer. Taa-daa. It was Iago.

There is, I'm sure, dramatic irony in spirit here seeing as Iago was the original suspect who Carnell guessed at, but the problem is that the lack of a personality or presence to Devlin does rather rule out the idea of her being the murderer and the simple fact that there was never reason to doubt that Iago was the killer.

Iago's reasons are explained... he wanted a job. To do this he created the illusion of a conspiracy against Uvanov and the Firstmasters by murdering completely random people and dumping a body or two in Uvanon's headquarters. He and Carnell do not know one another, and Carnell is the only psychostrategist on the planet - so how could Iago know that anybody would pick the pieces? How did he know the pyschostrategist would not find out that he himself was the killer? How, for Heaven's sake, could he know that nobody would be a witness to him commiting any of these half-dozen-odd murders? How did he know that Uvanova would take him on as a ridiculously over-paid bodyguard at the end of it all anyway? The plan is astonishingly ill-thought-out, overcomplicated and risky. Just like all those plans Avon shot down in B7.

Occam's Razor.

As Carnell says in the close of the story "Of course, what you see as the most obvious, may not be the same as I do"**

Couldn't put it better myself.


*When I say 'standard upper-class snob' I by no means imply that he behaves like the standard upper-class snob you would meet in everyday life. Rather the standard upper-class snob as portrayed in poorly-characterised fiction (c.f. Rixton in The Voyage of the Damned), which means that he's really a mentally mal-developed, spiteful, obsessive-compulsive, socially-retarded man who reaches near sociopathic levels in his fascist elitism. This character appears with worrying regularity as a trope. Did Joachim Von Ribbentrop have a lot of kids?

**Or words to that effect. Kinda liking these footnotes.

31 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Fascinating and well-thought-out review. I thought though that Avon shot the VISA dude because the VISA dude was trying to kill him - in Countdown, he tells Del Grant the only reason he didn't go back for Anna was because he collapsed from blood loss after he got shot.

As for your review... yes. Yes, there are huge whacking plotholes. I assumed that Iago had Orac in his bedroom or something but that doesn't work as you think Iago would use Orac to stop an android uprising and, oh, another thing:

ORAC HAS MORAL SCRUPLES!

Seriously. Check out his first episode where he asks to be allowed to save Travis and Servalan from the sea monsters? And if Orac really was above morality, he could have got everyone killed years ago. All he'd have to do is go, "What's that? You want teleport? Sorry, it's a terrible line? Sorry? You're about to die? What? Hello? Oh damn. What a pity."

The whole scenario is bollocks when you think about. We have a space-faring civilization where characters like Iago or Carnell can drop by with nothing but a robot saying hello... but they don't believe in life on other planets. Or have any other cities.

SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SPACE PORT?

And why the hell does Iago NEED a job? WHY? Apart from getting 'Uvanov's authority' as a get out clause, all he gets is crap. And he uses a gun well enough, so he doesn't NEED authority.

In fact, I often boggle at the society of Kaldor City. There seems to be a ratio of 10000:1 commoners to rich bastards, and the whole economy of the planet works on mining sand. And it's a desert planet. With lots of sand. WHY IS EVERYONE SO POOR?! WHAT DO THEY SPEND THE CASH ON?!?

And, another thing. If this is a Federation Colony, why the hell are the Founding Families, the ones whose status comes from getting to the planet first, the ones in charge? The Federation works on class system. The ones who are smart enough to build androids would be more powerful.

The more I analyze this, the more it turns to shit.

I LAUGH AT THEE, ALAN STEVENS!

Youth of Australia said...

Oh wait, I forgot the all purpose answer from AS:

"This is all part of the Fendahl's plan!"

Well, your ignorant fucktard manner makes me want to snap your freakishly thick neck, Alan. Is that part of the Fendahl's plan too, is it?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Fascinating and well-thought-out review.

That's what I was aiming for. A little more in depth than my "What the fuck are you thinking, Chibnall???" sort of stuff I do..

I thought though that Avon shot the VISA dude because the VISA dude was trying to kill him -

Ah, yes, that's another good point.

Check out his first episode where he asks to be allowed to save Travis and Servalan from the sea monsters?

I'd rather not, given how lame his first episode is, so I'll take your word for it.

SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SPACE PORT?

I'm pretty sure that there isn't. After all Uvanov (in one of the most unintentionally funny moments) doesn't know what 'a ship' is in Taren Capel..

And why the hell does Iago NEED a job?

Yeah, I dunno.

WHY IS EVERYONE SO POOR?! WHAT DO THEY SPEND THE CASH ON?!?

I found the lack of a revolution more unbelievable..

Well, your ignorant fucktard manner makes me want to snap your freakishly thick neck, Alan. Is that part of the Fendahl's plan too, is it?

Sheesh. Guess I'll be holding back on the next 7 editions...

Your current animosity, btw, makes seeing "With thanks to Ewen Campion-Clarke" at the end of his Logopolis review utterly surreal..

Youth of Australia said...

That's what I was aiming for. A little more in depth than my "What the fuck are you thinking, Chibnall???" sort of stuff I do..
Well, Chibnall was never trying to paint reviewers into a corner where "you ignorant and biased reviewer who implicitely endorses cannibalism, white slavery and death to kittens" is applied to anyone who doesn't like them...

I'd rather not, given how lame his first episode is, so I'll take your word for it.
Odd how both K9 and Orac have incredibly embarrassing 'other voices' that everyone tries to forget.

I'm pretty sure that there isn't. After all Uvanov (in one of the most unintentionally funny moments) doesn't know what 'a ship' is in Taren Capel..
Gosh, I must have missed all that in the self-congratulation and machiavellian plotting.

I found the lack of a revolution more unbelievable..
The sewerpits are filled with thousands upon thousands of very, very pissed off and dangerous people. And the upper classes ADD to this all the time. So we have say ten thousand people who are psychotically violent and hate the ruling classes.

And they don't do anything.

Even though the Firstmasters can't actually do anything like order the robots to help maintain order if the "sewerpit scum" attack.

Sheesh. Guess I'll be holding back on the next 7 editions...
I'm in a bad mood. On top of everything else, my dad has just busted three ribs while having a really bad cough.

Your current animosity, btw, makes seeing "With thanks to Ewen Campion-Clarke" at the end of his Logopolis review utterly surreal..
LOL. Do they?

*checks*

I said I lost respect for him.

Actually, that was a while ago now. I'm not even sure if they actually changed a single word because, as ever, he tore me apart whenever I tried to talk...

"Yeah, I don't think the TARDIS happening to be between the Privateer and the gateway counts as a deliberate suicide attempt..."

"No, I don't think JNT got up that morning and went, 'Let's do the first scene in Brighton to subtextually cancel out the entire Williams era'..."

and so on.

All I remember is my rather convoluted explanation for the Watcher: he comes into existence in part three (when the Doctor is nearly crushed by the shrinking TARDIS), then steals the TARDIS and stalks the Doctor while collecting Nyssa from Traken. You'll note he turns up in the TARDIS at the end of part three.

My idea was that the Watcher goes back in time, talks to the Doctor on the bridge and lies to him, manipulating the Doctor so he goes to Logopolis, and thus leads to the Watcher being created anyway. (I'm not explaining this, but ontological paradox. It was before Blink and vaguely tolerated in polite society.)

Now, it was at this point I got the "How DARE you think that? That means the Watcher selfishly allows the Master to destroy half the universe just so he can exist!"

...I just gave up. I didn't even bother to point out that the Watcher was, in my theory, created five minutes before the Master did anything in any way universe threatening. I just walked away. Because I wasn't as pissed off as I happent to be now.

But they put that thank you up anyway.

They couldn't have put up my analysis of Terror of the Vervoids, though, could they?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Even though the Firstmasters can't actually do anything like order the robots to help maintain order if the "sewerpit scum" attack.

The thing is that if KC didn't take itself so seriously it could actually work. You know, if it aimed to be just shallow, entertaining escapist nonsense. But it's trying to be clever so consciously, ignoring the fact that it's all built on quite a silly premise wrought from sci-fi cliches and a half-arsed attempt to sequelize B7...

I'm in a bad mood. On top of everything else, my dad has just busted three ribs while having a really bad cough.

Jeez. How many does he have left?

I said I lost respect for him.

Uh-oh, this is going to get ugly.

*Gets into homemade rant-shelter*

"Yeah, I don't think the TARDIS happening to be between the Privateer and the gateway counts as a deliberate suicide attempt..."

That one's new to me...

My idea was that the Watcher goes back in time, talks to the Doctor on the bridge and lies to him, manipulating the Doctor so he goes to Logopolis, and thus leads to the Watcher being created anyway.

Hmm, that works for me, actually...

My own idea I had recently was that the Watcher comes from the causality failure of the Universe unwinding, specifically from the Sixth Doctor, which is what causes him to faint in Two Doctors and suddenly get visions from the past of his own timeline...

They couldn't have put up my analysis of Terror of the Vervoids, though, could they?

This is all going to end with pistols at dawn, isn't it?

Youth of Australia said...

The thing is that if KC didn't take itself so seriously it could actually work. You know, if it aimed to be just shallow, entertaining escapist nonsense. But it's trying to be clever so consciously, ignoring the fact that it's all built on quite a silly premise wrought from sci-fi cliches and a half-arsed attempt to sequelize B7...
Maybe that's why I like Storm Mine, it's the most irreverent of the lot?

Jeez. How many does he have left?
They were the ones he had only just healed up again.

Uh-oh, this is going to get ugly.
I'm cool. I'm cool.

...


*Gets into homemade rant-shelter*
The fourth wall's missing.

That one's new to me...
Their Warrior's Gate review, saying the Doctor keeps trying to commit suicide throughout the story.

Hmm, that works for me, actually...
Well, since the Doctor's surprised at the outcome, obviously whatever the Watcher told him wasn't true.

My own idea I had recently was that the Watcher comes from the causality failure of the Universe unwinding, specifically from the Sixth Doctor, which is what causes him to faint in Two Doctors and suddenly get visions from the past of his own timeline...
...
That COULD work. I guess.

This is all going to end with pistols at dawn, isn't it?
I'm just saying there's little to no need to thank me for their Logopolis critique...

They should instead have put it in their Fendahl section.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Maybe that's why I like Storm Mine, it's the most irreverent of the lot?

I guess so.. in quite a few ways it doesn't really feel like part of the series, and comes across as O'Mahony trying to redeem it all. Very creepy and I kind of like the way it doesn't have an ending..

They were the ones he had only just healed up again.

Ah, that makes sense..

Their Warrior's Gate review, saying the Doctor keeps trying to commit suicide throughout the story.

Hmm. Even taking that one I can't think of any other examples..

They should instead have put it in their Fendahl section.

Or the 'porn' section as they mystifyingly refer to it..

Youth of Australia said...

I guess so.. in quite a few ways it doesn't really feel like part of the series, and comes across as O'Mahony trying to redeem it all. Very creepy and I kind of like the way it doesn't have an ending..
I like the way Phillip Madoc takes the piss out of everything... "Ooh, figure of eight! We're inside infinity! HAHAHA!"

Ah, that makes sense..
That's what's annoying, too.

Hmm. Even taking that one I can't think of any other examples..

According to them
1) He nearly presses a button on the console then Romana stops him
2) He bows in front of the Gundan so they can chop his head off
3) He deliberately parks the TARDIS in the firing line

...despite the fact he doesn't move the TARDIS a sodding inch.

Or the 'porn' section as they mystifyingly refer to it..
WTF?!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

WTF?!

They don't actually do that. Reference to Alan Steven's love of the Fendahl, as also commented upon in Miles' "Five minute Kaldor City"

Youth of Australia said...

Oh right. Looking back at it, it's sickening the way he goes, "Everything that is crap in this story is all the script editor's fault and Chris Boucher is perfect". If I try to defend Pip and Jane, I'm missing the point. If he gives alibi after alibi for Boucher, it is FACT...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Looking back at it, it's sickening the way he goes, "Everything that is crap in this story is all the script editor's fault and Chris Boucher is perfect". If I try to defend Pip and Jane, I'm missing the point.

Kinda ironic when you consider Bob Holmes was script-editing Fendahl, and Eric Saward/possibly no-one at all edited Vervoids. So if anything the OPPOSITE is true.

Youth of Australia said...

...I hadn't thought of that.

Sorry. OH YACH, IUHADDENFORTOFDAHT!

Alan said...

Hi Jared

Boy! An I going to enjoy this.:)

>The Assassin's Guild stuff, more than anything else, destroys the idea that Iago and Avon are one and the same, due to the fact that their attitude to killing is so completely different.<

Iago was not a member of the Assassin's Guild. He had only arrived fairly recently on the planet Kaldor. The Assassin's Guild was just something he made up.

>“Occam's Razor is as I'm sure everybody on the internet knows a smart-arse way of saying "Simple as that",<

Correct, but “Simple As That” is a fairly banal title, whereas “Occam's Razor” is more dramatic. Also, I like smartarse.

>How does Carnell survive in Kaldor City?<

People pay him for his services.

>Why Kaldor, of all places?<

That's where Boucher puts him in his novel “Corpse Marker.” Carnell was on the run and he came to Kaldor because it was a forgotten colony way outside Federation borders.

> (another point against the Avon theory seeing as he never meets Carnell nor even hears of him)<

Carnell was not the only psychostrategist in the Federation. I've never met a parapsychologist, but I know they exist.

> It becomes a plotpoint later on that Carnell realises that Iago is from off-world because he knows what a psychostrategist is and he 'must be the only person on the planet' to do so.<

Actually, if you listen to it properly, Carnell says, “And you know what a psycho-strategist is, don't you, Kaston Iago?... Which is interesting, because I'm the only psycho-strategist there's ever been on this planet.”

> An odd claim to make, seeing as his services are apparently open to whoever has the money and his customer base of Firstmasters<

Carnell's services don't come cheap, and would be way out of the range of most people on Kaldor, indeed the only people who can afford to employ him on a regular basis are Uvanov and Landerchild. This is spelled out in Boucher's novel, but should be fairly obvious from the CD series.

>do a lot of talking and Carnell constantly asserts himself as a psychostrategist.<

Yes, to Landerchild, Uvanov and members of their immediate circle. Not the general public.

>And the obvious conundrum of why anybody who has no idea what a psychostrategist does should be interested in paying them massive sums of money.<

As the “conundrum” is entirely down to you misquoting a line, there isn't a problem.

> Added onto this AGAIN is the fact that Carnell screws over his client base, seemingly for his own amusement. In a city where people are murdered with unfeasible regularity for the most insignificant of transgressions, this really is unbelievable.<

The secret is not to let the client know they are being screwed over, and Carnell excels at this. You appear to be confusing your knowledge of what's going on as a listener and what the characters within the story knows.

>Then there's the matter of somebody who relies on an ordered existence so much picking one of the most chaotic places in the Universe for a business retreat.<

Firstly, Kaldor is no more chaotic than anywhere else. Secondly, Carnell does not rely on an ordered existence, he relies on disorder. That's how he makes his money.

>Anyway, Carnell deduces that the murders are without an apparent motive, and the logical step is to investigate newcomers into Kaldor. A quick sweep finds the records on Kaston Iago, whom he know as a newcomer because the cold open featured him booking a room and delivering what was apparently a one-liner but only works if you imagine that this television and not radio.<

Please explain that?

>Iago overpowers Rull with minimal effort, because he called the lift to a lower floor and blasted his fellow officer the instant the doors opened.<

No he doesn't. The lift arrives at the fourth floor, which is where Iago's room is situated.

> How exactly he achieved this is not explained,<

He knows the security forces are waiting for him outside the hotel, as a) he's expecting them, and b) he observes them on his way into the hotel. He knows they are coming for him. He hears the lift ascending to his floor. The doors open. Iago fires. Not difficult, is it?

>He beats Rull senseless and gets him to call of the guards, before breaking into Uvanov's quarters. With a gun, naturally. He then demands that Uvanov makes him his bodyguard.<

No, he doesn't. Uvanov makes the offer to Iago.

>Are you seeing the flaws in the story's logic here? Uvanov accepts - how about now?<

Nope. It's Iago who accepts.

>Right after Iago has outwitted the crack personal police force-cum-army<

The Security forces are, for the most part, incompetent. That point is made very clearly through out the KC series, and is also repeatedly stated in “Corpse Marker.” But you missed it. That kinda makes you rather incompetent yourself, doesn't it?

>of the most powerful man on the planet through unclear means, he screws the firstmaster's personal assistant, and discards her just as quickly,<

He doesn't discard her. The relationship went on for quite a while. If you add up the date references within the series, it takes place over a period of about 18 months.

>It's at this point a cynical person like myself<

Cynical? I'd say stupid, and a bit bitter, for some reason. What have I ever done to you, bar make a CD series which you weren't forced to buy, though somehow you seem to have bought and listened to every release, including the short play on the “The Actor Speaks: Paul Darrow” CD, despite having hated the first one so much that you feel compelled to deliver a two thousand, four hundred and twenty-two word rant on the subject?

>may just suspect that Iago isn't really intended as a continuation of the character of Avon at all, but is in fact a Mary Sue created by a frustrated author, living out his warped fantasies of alpha-male paradise through unbridled sadism and hedonism in a world of clueless rich people willing to pay him large sums of money for no return, oblivious to his genius.<

Well, as this world was created by Boucher in his Doctor Who stories “The Robots of Death,” and “Corpse Marker,” and from his Blake's 7 episode "Weapon," then, no. So it appears to be you who is suffering from “warped fantasies”.:) But hang on though. Let's just assume for a minute that you are correct. If Iago is a Mary Sue, then that would make me a very dangerous individual. In fact, so dangerous, I'd not be the type of person you'd want to have on your case, which means you have been very dumb indeed.

>This streak continues as Iago makes the most ridiculous list of expenses possible for Uvanov to pay in order to effectively coat his office building in concrete and put springs in the basement. Okay, not really THAT but just about. I think the excess is supposed to be a piece of humour but, like many of Kaldor's forays, it falls flat, due to the schizophrenic nature of delivery. When Kaldor is serious, it is relentlessly serious,<

I don't think anything in Kaldor is serious. I just wrote it as a very black comedy. The fact you think it's serious is, of course, hilarious.:)

>When it is trying to be funny, the jokes are pieces of strange absurdism and bouths of sketch-show behaviour from established characters which feels like breaking the first, second and third walls, let alone the fourth. <

Oops. A glimmer of intelligence here.

>The upshot of this is that Kaldor is generally funnier when it's trying to do it straight... in the Stevens/Moore episodes at any rate.<

Well, I'm glad you found some of it funny, although I'm surprised you thought any of it was straight. And what do you mean “Stevens/Moore episodes?” We only wrote one thing together, and that was the short play on “The Actor Speaks: Paul Darrow.”

>Anyway, the story moves on with Uvanov being called to a meeting of The Boardmembers. Get used to this as it happens a few times in the series and we're meant to take it as some sort of portentous. From memory there are four speaking members - a guy to pad out the numbers, Uvanov, Devlin (she dies at the end) and ... LANDERCHILD!<

There's only three speaking members, so your memory of it isn't particularly accurate.

>Landerchild is the most boring and pointless character in the series, but is also ever-present. I am at a loss as to what the intention was. He stands in direct opposition to Uvanov and Iago at all times because they are what stands between him and Chairholder status which, in this sorry and rather perverse society amounts to Dictator of the Planet.<

Looks like you've answered your own question. So, you weren't at a loss after all. Well done.

> So, his role is logically that of the villain.<

No. Iago and Uvanov are the villains.

>But.. he is not villainous. He behaves precisely the same way as everybody else does in the planet. If anything he's less of a bastard as Uvanov - consistently being shown as having a smaller staff and less connections - but it's constantly presented as dramatic when Landerchild comes close to getting his end<

Not particularly, as the only one who's supposed to be finding it dramatic is Uvanov, and that's only because he paranoid.

>(which only happens once or twice because he really isn't particularly competent)<

Correct. Landerchild is actually working for Uvanov. He just doesn't know it.

>To add insult, Landerchild doesn't even seem to have a personality. He is a cliched cipher of a standard upper-class snob*, yelling insults at Iago the moment that he realises that he isn't a well-born noble. And that's all that exists to his personality. It's as if the fact that he was played by the brilliant Peter Miles meant that nothing more had to be added to the character, but the result is that Miles glides through on auto-pilot, adding to the sheer, relentlessly dull-nature of all things Landerchild. I think the name is the only thing about him that I actually like.<

I'm glad you like the name at least. Boucher came up with it. He's a character from his novel “Corpse Marker.” For a moment there, I was going to explain Landerchild to you, but then, why should I do all your thinking for you?

>Anyway, Iago gets full authority to investigate the killer. His method of doing so is going to a party where all the Firstmasters will be gathered, because obviously the next murder will occur in a place where the highest possible number of witnesses will be gathered together. (I'm being disingenuous here - there was probably a threatening letter or something in the story...)<

Didn't you check before writing your 'review'? No? Well, I'll just have to force you to go back and listen to this CD you hate so much to find out where you went wrong there.

> And Iago will just have to wait until somebody dies. Not prevent it, obviously, do you realise which series this is? Beforehand, though, he cleverly asks Carnell who will be killed. Carnell suggests two possible people, and going by the voting record, whoever is killed will suggest who the killer is...

And stop here. This is a little odd, is it not?<

Now, I love this bit, because this is where you really fuck up.

>A big chunk of the plot revolves around Carnell struggling to find patterns for the murders.<

Wrong. There are no patterns to the murders and Carnell works that out very early on.

>Wouldn't one clue be that they're all Firstmasters, so this could be some sort of working-class uprising against the massively corrupt and massively stupid bastards governing the state?<

No, because 1) working-class uprisings are a myth, have you never read Orwell? And 2) working-class uprisings don't usually involve the proletariat banding together and hiring an professional assassin to randomly shoot various members of the ruling classes.

>It certainly doesn't stretch my suspension of disbelief. <

Does this sentence actually mean anything at all, beyond being a mixed metaphor?

>And also the fact that Carnell is basing this all off voting records. There could be so many possible other motives for the killings.<

There could be, but Carnell doesn't really believe that people are being killed because of the voting records. He's made that up.

>So, yes, back to Iago at the party when somebody dies. A somebody who I don't think ever got any lines, but whomsoever it is it is the candidate that suggests that Devlin is responsible for the murders.<

Marco dies at the party. That's stated in the episode. As his his background and his relationship with Devlin.

>Naturally, because this entire story is written with a very unimaginative and supremely stupid end-point in mind there is no consideration to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, our 'heroes' have been monitored during any of the dozens of conversations that they've had about this plan and the murder of Faceless Character #43 is a deliberate red herring to get them to assume that Devlin is the murderer and thus trap them. <

Marco is killed by Iago at the party. The fact that you missed that, in fact makes you “very unimaginative” and “supremely stupid”. But then again, very stupid people, are often also very arrogant. Welcome to your head.:)

>Although Kaldor plots are convoluted, they are also oddly narrow-minded in their convolutions, frustratingly avoiding something that could be potentially interesting at many, many turns.<

Since you've failed to follow the plot at all, I think the narrow-mindedness you're seeing is your own.

>This could be part of Alan Stevens' goal, as this is afterall meant to be a series about manipulators being manipulated (insofar as it is about anything.. this shall be addressed later..) but I think I am giving him too much credit for lacklustre storytelling by even voicing the possibility.<

Oh, damn. Slipped away from you again, didn't it? Please see my above point about arrogance and stupidity.

>So, progressing with what's left of the plot... as soon as whoever was killed is killed Rull and Cotton gatecrash Devlin's mansion in an APC and kill her entire security force. While Iago breaks into her house and shoots her in her bed.<

She's not in her bed, she's in her office. Of course this CD makes no sense to you-- you haven't actually paid attention at all while listening to it, have you?

>Now, you may think that this would have some repercussions, but in Kaldor City it does not. In fact, I was extremely confused at the fact that the city doesn't seem to have any police at all, let alone any semblence of law.<

There's no police, you're right; the security services carry out that function, and they're answerable to Uvanov. The events in “Occam's Razor” were based on the Night of the Long Knives, where the SS, under the authority of Adolf Hitler, purged a Nazi paramilitary organisation called the Sturmabteilung (SA), and hundreds were killed. A clue to my source material appears in the name of the hotel Iago stays in. It's called Kolibri, which is German for “Hummingbird.” If you do a google search, you might find the connection.

>And then small matters like, for instance, a spate of murders of Firstmasters in the city, which ends with Uvanov's goons killing a Firstmaster in a very public way. <

It's a totalitarian dictatorship. You can google that as well.

>They've only got Uvanov and Carnell's word that Devlin is the murderer!<

They also say they're going to plant some evidence to back their claims up.

>And then for the shock twist ending. She wasn't the murderer. Taa-daa. It was Iago.

There is, I'm sure, dramatic irony in spirit here seeing as Iago was the original suspect who Carnell guessed at, but the problem is that the lack of a personality or presence to Devlin does rather rule out the idea of her being the murderer and the simple fact that there was never reason to doubt that Iago was the killer.<

But there are four killers at work in “Occam's Razor”, and you've only identified one of them.:)

>Iago's reasons are explained... he wanted a job.<

Nope.:)

>To do this he created the illusion of a conspiracy against Uvanov and the Firstmasters by murdering completely random people and dumping a body or two in Uvanon's headquarters.<

Nope.:)

> He and Carnell do not know one another, and Carnell is the only psychostrategist on the planet - so how could Iago know that anybody would pick the pieces?<

He couldn't, because that isn't what he was doing.

> How did he know the pyschostrategist would not find out that he himself was the killer?<

Iago didn't know a psychostrategist was involved until he met Carnell in Uvanov's office.

> How, for Heaven's sake, could he know that nobody would be a witness to him commiting any of these half-dozen-odd murders?<

He didn't care.

>How did he know that Uvanova would take him on as a ridiculously over-paid bodyguard at the end of it all anyway?<

He didn't know that either.

> The plan is astonishingly ill-thought-out, overcomplicated and risky. Just like all those plans Avon shot down in B7.<

But as this was not the plan, there's no problem.

>Occam's Razor.

As Carnell says in the close of the story "Of course, what you see as the most obvious, may not be the same as I do"**<

No he doesn't. He says, “Though your definition of simplest and mine may not be the same…”

>Couldn't put it better myself.<

Well, as he didn't actually say what you say he did, you did actually put it yourself.

>*When I say 'standard upper-class snob' I by no means imply that he behaves like the standard upper-class snob you would meet in everyday life. Rather the standard upper-class snob as portrayed in poorly-characterised fiction (c.f. Rixton in The Voyage of the Damned), which means that he's really a mentally mal-developed, spiteful, obsessive-compulsive, socially-retarded man who reaches near sociopathic levels in his fascist elitism. This character appears with worrying regularity as a trope. Did Joachim Von Ribbentrop have a lot of kids?<

As the society of Kaldor is partly based on Nazi Germany, then that's entirely appropriate, I would say.

Now, on to your circle jerk with Ewen Campion “Backstabber”-Clarke, the man who is oh so polite to me on Doctor Who related forums and via e-mail, and yet asserts that he'd love to strangle me on a blog that he doesn't think I'm capable of discovering through a simple google search.

(I'm e-mailing this to him, by the way, as I'm not the sort to go behind someone's back)

Youth of Australia (aka Ewan) says:-

>The whole scenario is bollocks when you think about. We have a space-faring civilization where characters like Iago or Carnell can drop by with nothing but a robot saying hello... but they don't believe in life on other planets.<

This comes from “Corpse Marker,” and it make sense because the colony has been there for hundreds of years, and people just forget things. People can be terribly credulous, and indeed, Carnell describes the people of Kaldor as such on page 80. But we're not so different-- after all, following the fall of the Roman Empire, people in Europe forgot how to make glass for several centuries.

>Or have any other cities.<

There's one major city, and a number of townships spaced out through the various zones (this is mentioned several times in those CDs, by the way). Most of the planet, however, is hostile desert.

>SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SPACE PORT?<

There isn't a space port.

>And why the hell does Iago NEED a job? WHY?<

Why do you need a job? Assuming you're not permanently on state benefits, that is.

> Apart from getting 'Uvanov's authority' as a get out clause, all he gets is crap. And he uses a gun well enough, so he doesn't NEED authority.<

So you think going about the streets mugging people is better than having a secure position within a social structure? You've got problems.

>In fact, I often boggle at the society of Kaldor City. There seems to be a ratio of 10000:1 commoners to rich bastards,<

So, basically, like all societies.

>and the whole economy of the planet works on mining sand.<

No. They are mining minerals, that are found in the sand, as stated in “The Robots of Death,” "Death's Head", and “Storm Mine.”

> And it's a desert planet. With lots of sand. WHY IS EVERYONE SO POOR?! WHAT DO THEY SPEND THE CASH ON?!?<

They don't get any cash, and they don't get any work. It's only the top 10 percent who see any of the wealth. As in most societies. Australia's got stacks of mineral wealth; why aren't you, Ewan Campion-Clarke, rich beyond the dreams of avarice? You live there, after all.

>And, another thing. If this is a Federation Colony,<

It isn't a Federation Colony.

>why the hell are the Founding Families, the ones whose status comes from getting to the planet first, the ones in charge?<

Because they got to the planet first. Anyone who arrives afterwards is coming into an established setup, with the original colonists in charge.

> The Federation works on class system.<

Actually, it works on a grading system, an exam-based meritocracy, with grade classifications, set by exam results, determining social status and jobs.

>The ones who are smart enough to build androids would be more powerful.<

The rich and powerful wouldn't build the robots themselves. They were there first; they can employ others to do it. Are the people who build cars and computers the most powerful people in our society? No, they're working minimum wage, or close to it, in factories.

>The more I analyze this, the more it turns to shit.<

The more you try to analyze this, the more credulous you look.

>I LAUGH AT THEE, ALAN STEVENS!<

But you're not brave enough to laugh at me to my face, are you?

>Oh wait, I forgot the all purpose answer from AS:

"This is all part of the Fendahl's plan!"

Well, your ignorant fucktard manner makes me want to snap your freakishly thick neck, Alan. Is that part of the Fendahl's plan too, is it?<

Wow, you are one bitter, twisted up fuck. Again, what did I do to you? Stay tuned, I do know the answer to this one, and will point it out later on.

>SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SPACE PORT?

Jared says:-

>I'm pretty sure that there isn't. After all Uvanov (in one of the most unintentionally funny moments) doesn't know what 'a ship' is in Taren Capel.<

Oh, dear. Uvanov knows what a ship is, he just doesn't know why Carnell has one.

>Your current animosity, btw, makes seeing "With thanks to Ewen Campion-Clarke" at the end of his Logopolis review utterly surreal.<

It certainly does.

Ewen Campion-Clarke (for it is he) says:-

>The sewerpits are filled with thousands upon thousands of very, very pissed off and dangerous people. And the upper classes ADD to this all the time. So we have say ten thousand people who are psychotically violent and hate the ruling classes.<

All feeding off each other. Sort of like slum-dwellers in Rio de Janeiro, the proletarian masses of the Soviet Union, and council estate residents in Glasgow. So why don't (or, in the case of the Soviets, didn't) these people rebel? Answer: because they're too busy figuring out where their next meal is coming from, and how to not get killed by the neighbours, to foment any sort of rebellion, if indeed the possibility ever occurs to them.

>I said I lost respect for him.<

Well, I've certainly lost any respect for you.

>Actually, that was a while ago now. I'm not even sure if they actually changed a single word because, as ever, he tore me apart whenever I tried to talk...

"Yeah, I don't think the TARDIS happening to be between the Privateer and the gateway counts as a deliberate suicide attempt..."<

Nor do I, and have never stated such a thing.Go back and read the review if you don't believe me.

>"No, I don't think JNT got up that morning and went, 'Let's do the first scene in Brighton to subtextually cancel out the entire Williams era'..."<

And yet it does, and JNT lived in Brighton. Anyway, just to clarify: by “Alan tearing me apart,” you mean we had a discussion about Doctor Who, you lost it, and you're still nursing the grudge four years later. That's pathetic by any standards.

>All I remember is my rather convoluted explanation for the Watcher: he comes into existence in part three (when the Doctor is nearly crushed by the shrinking TARDIS),<

The Watcher appears before then.

> then steals the TARDIS<

No, he doesn't.

>and stalks the Doctor while collecting Nyssa from Traken.<

Wrong again.

>You'll note he turns up in the TARDIS at the end of part three.<

Yes, with the Doctor's permission.

>My idea was that the Watcher goes back in time, talks to the Doctor on the bridge and lies to him, manipulating the Doctor so he goes to Logopolis, and thus leads to the Watcher being created anyway. (I'm not explaining this, but ontological paradox. It was before Blink and vaguely tolerated in polite society.)<

I don't recall you saying anything about the Watcher lying to the Doctor, but you did say that his appearance brought about the destruction of Logopolis that eventually lead to the Watcher's creation. It's a nice idea that I'd missed, that's why I added it to the article and gave a credit to you.

>Now, it was at this point I got the "How DARE you think that? That means the Watcher selfishly allows the Master to destroy half the universe just so he can exist!"<

Whilst at the same time writing it into the article and giving you a credit. I think you're a liar.

>...I just gave up. <

Another lie. After I said that your idea was a good one, you then started sending me long emails about “Terror of the Vervoids.” You admit this later on during your exchange. See below.

>I didn't even bother to point out that the Watcher was, in my theory, created five minutes before the Master did anything in any way universe threatening.<

After the Watcher turns up, the Doctor takes the Master to Logopolis. As pointed out in the online article I wrote. So, you must have said it.

> I just walked away. Because I wasn't as pissed off as I happent to be now.<

Telling lies about someone is bad enough, but doing it on a public forum where said person can then read those lies? Well, that's just plain stupid.

>They couldn't have put up my analysis of Terror of the Vervoids, though, could they?<

No, because it was crap. Is that what this is all about? Four years ago I didn't put your piss poor article on “Terror of the Vervoids” on my site, and you're still bitter? Jesus Christ. Actually, now I think about it, your review of "Terror of the Vervoids" was so bad, it makes me think that your idea about the Watcher in Logopolis wasn't your own, but rather something you stole from someone else. I'm right, aren't I?

Back to Jared now:-

>The thing is that if KC didn't take itself so seriously it could actually work. You know, if it aimed to be just shallow, entertaining escapist nonsense.<

So, you wanted "shallow, entertaining escapist nonsense," while simultaneously obsessing over the role of causality in an episode of a television programme made nearly 30 years ago. Confused much?

>My own idea I had recently was that the Watcher comes from the causality failure of the Universe unwinding, specifically from the Sixth Doctor, which is what causes him to faint in Two Doctors and suddenly get visions from the past of his own timeline...<

Um, you do realise that Doctor Who is a TV programme, which was made up by the writers as they went along, and that I'm willing to lay money that Robert Holmes and John Nathan-Turner weren't even thinking of “Logopolis” when creating “The Two Doctors”.

And now to Ewen:-

>Maybe that's why I like Storm Mine, it's the most irreverent of the lot?<

Storm Mine is basically the first five stories all over again.

>Well, since the Doctor's surprised at the outcome, obviously whatever the Watcher told him wasn't true.<

But you can't say that, because we have no idea exactly what informations the Watcher passed onto the Doctor.

>According to them
1) He nearly presses a button on the console then Romana stops him
2) He bows in front of the Gundan so they can chop his head off<

All this happens in the story.

>3) He deliberately parks the TARDIS in the firing line

...despite the fact he doesn't move the TARDIS a sodding inch.<

Actually I never said that. You really are a sad fucker, aren't you, when you have to make up stuff to support your point, and then, and I can't repeat it often enough because it's so daft, you put it on a public forum where I can read it. Jesus!

“Oh right. Looking back at it, it's sickening the way he goes, "Everything that is crap in this story is all the script editor's fault and Chris Boucher is perfect".”

Never said that ever. In fact, I do criticise Boucher in the article, but you just want to create a straw man to support your own self aggrandising argument.

> If I try to defend Pip and Jane, I'm missing the point.<

Oh, so your favourite authors are Pip and Jane Baker? Well, that certainly makes sense.

Jared says:-

>Kinda ironic when you consider Bob Holmes was script-editing Fendahl,<

Fendahl was script edited by Anthony Read. If I shoot this barrel of fish anymore, I'll have wet feet.

Ewen says:

>..I hadn't thought of that.<

Not surprising really, as he's wrong. For two dorks who whine on about Doctor Who all the time, you're incredibly misinformed. But then, that's how you define a dork. People who know fuck all about something and yet still won't shut up about it.

Youth of Australia said...

For two dorks who whine on about Doctor Who all the time, you're incredibly misinformed. But then, that's how you define a dork. People who know fuck all about something and yet still won't shut up about it.
I think you summed up your entire writing career very succinctly there. Well done.

Alan said...

Hi Ewen Campion-Clarke

So, why are you so bitter about some half remembered chat we had four years ago about "Logopolis" and "Terror of the Bloody Vervoids"?

Youth of Australia said...

You work it out. I'm not doing all your thinking for you.

Alan said...

Well, you don't appear to be doing much thinking at all. I'll have to take a good look around your blog to come up with a detailed answer, but, at a guess, I'd say you were just a wee bit obsessive. Am I close?

Youth of Australia said...

Alan, I want you look deep into your own soul. Strip away all preconceptions. All basic premises. Leave nothing but the truth.

Now ask yourself:

"Why does anyone care what I think?"

And if you don't like the answer, imagine playing with a ball of twine and leave the rest of us in peace.

Alan said...

See, I don't have a soul, Ewen Campion-Clarke, and neither do you. Although you do have a very silly name. Is that the answer? Were you bullied mercilessly at school? Is that why you don't go out much? Just sit at home and brood on failure? As for playing with a ball of twine. that's almost perceptive. Be my ball of twine Ewen, I want to play with you.

Youth of Australia said...

Good GOD, you ACTUALLY think that's impressive, don't you? I always knew you weren't half as witty as you wanted to be, but I never realized you were THAT pathetic and brain dead. "OOh, you have a stupid name!" Wow, that suddenly makes me think you're my intellectual superior - oh, wait, no it doesn't.

I'm not wasting any more time talking to you. Frankly, Stevens, you're an oxygen thief. Kill yourself now, do Fiona a favor. The way you've been infesting Behind the Sofa shows you don't have much else to do with your time.

Alan said...

Clearly I've touched a nerve to spark such a violent reaction. As for Behind the Sofa, Did I make some comments about SJA , or Nu-Who that upset you? Why didn't you make a comment back, instead of slithering off to some corner of the internet where you thought I wouldn't find you? Or are you on there under another name? BTW while we've been talking, I've been going through my files looking for your “Terror of the Vervoids” article. Haven't found it yet, and it's possible that it just got deleted, but if I do find it, I'll send it back to you with some comments on.;)

Youth of Australia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Youth of Australia said...

Clearly I've touched a nerve to spark such a violent reaction.
If by "touching a nerve", you mean "acting like an ignorant fucktard", yes. No wonder your other half can't stand you...

Oh, you best delete my name from your Logopolis article as my name is so stupid. We wouldn't want you looking even MORE pathetic online, would we?

As for Behind the Sofa, Did I make some comments about SJA , or Nu-Who that upset you?
Nah, but everyone there is sick of you.

Why didn't you make a comment back, instead of slithering off to some corner of the internet where you thought I wouldn't find you?
"Slithering"?

And you seem to be working from the premise I care what you think. At least I let people post comments on my blog.

Or are you on there under another name?
Oh, no! You've found me out! Yes, I am Snevets Nala. You've caught me out.

BTW while we've been talking, I've been going through my files looking for your “Terror of the Vervoids” article. Haven't found it yet, and it's possible that it just got deleted,
Well, we know you need the harddrive space for all that porn. It's understandable you deleted non-essential items like some random half-assed rant by someone who actually LIKED Terror of the Vervoids. And if you, by some accident, haven't deleted it, feel free to do so.

but if I do find it, I'll send it back to you with some comments on.;)
I need niether. You sent it back with comments at the time. Just because it's the only anecdote I have of you doesn't mean I actually care.

And, seriously, there are so many better things to do than "slither" here and watch you make an even bigger embarrassment out of yourself.

I notice you didn't turn up using your "Nyder" persona, so no one can use it to look at your excluse of a blog.

In fact, there's no proof at all that you're Alan Stevens. Which is good new for YOU, anyway. I'll stop bothering you and let you get on with what you erronously assume to be your life.

Alan said...

This could go on all night, which is fine, because I enjoy a good fight. However, I don't think you're enjoying this at all, are you? Okay, tell me what it is I've don't to offend you, er... aside from taking the piss out of your name and calling you a coward. Tell me what I've said that made you take a swipe at me in the first place? You can send me an email if you like. I've clearly hurt you, and I want to know what it is, and that's not because I want to hurt you again. I'm genuinely concerned.


BTW, Nyder isn't my blog. I don't do blogging.

Cameron Mason said...

Oh my, this shaping up like the season finale of some third rate US drama: as the real Alan Steven steps forth one question remains - Who exactly is Nyder???

The answer will be given next season, albeit with some changes - a w show runner who will completey rework the story arc, less episodes and reduced cast.

This will of course lead to show being cancelled and the cast all being killed off in the last episode, unless the show runner chucks a hissy fit and ends it all on a cliffhanger.

Stay tuned!

Shaun Micallef

Alan said...

Nice. Someone with a sense of humour at last. Keep it up.

Cameron Mason said...


Nice. Someone with a sense of humour at last. Keep it up.


I would, except my sense of humour has a tendency to misfire. Badly.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Like a dodgy Gauda Prime plasma rifle at close range...

Cameron Mason said...

Actaully, that would be much quicker and less painful...

Cameron

Cameron Mason said...

Just count yourselves lucky I wasn't thinking about Seven Periods With Mr Gormsby when I made my point...

Cameron

Mr. Gormsby said...

STOP BLUBBING, STEVENS!

I knew a man once, Horace Noaks and he wrote a book, The Giant Who Walked The Heavens – An Everday Story of Comos Folk, his treatise that the constellations of the galaxies form the perfect wheels to the chariots of the gods. Brilliantly written, perfectly researched, nice large print for you mongoloid, and it sold by the million. But all the critics tore it to shreds, totally missed the point of the book, didn’t even understand what they were mocking and deriding. Even when someone pointed it out to them, they followed the social trend and kept tormenting Noakes till the day he did. You won’t find HIM logging on to minor blogspots and having a wishy-washy oh-no-mummy-didn’t-breast-feed-me-when-I-was-little no-one-understands-the-subtext why-is-my-IQ-bigger-than-my-inside-leg-measurement self-pitying rant, will you?

Get out into the fresh air and get some exercise, Stevens instead of lollygagging around internet cafes stirring up trouble with people who plainly don’t want you there. What do you want? Them to all fall to their knees, say that you were right, and give you a warm flanellette to wipe your boyfriend’s bottom on? How long have you been waiting for that, boy? And how long before you expect anyone to suddenly start treating you with undeserved respect? Old Gormsby doesn’t think he’ll live long enough to see that, and frankly, boy, I don’t think YOU will live that long, either.

Take a bow, Stevens. While you still have working kneecaps.

Mr. Montgomergy Gormsby (Deputy Principal Teppapai Boys School, New Zealand)