Friday, September 5, 2008

No More No More Lies

Now that Ewen has posted his mighty fine parody of No More Lies my own attempts at capturing the worthlessness of this particularly bad and dull naval-gazing BF release are not very relevant at all. But still, looking back I wrote an awful lot of it, so I thought this work might as well get an airing..



Normal Guys

Lucie has humiliated the Doctor for the eighth-straight time in an arm-wrestling competition, and, due to one of the more obscure tenants of Gallifreyan law, THE TARDIS IS NOW HERS! Lucie begins laughing manically and announces that, with the TARDIS only responding to her commands, she is now the Doctor, and the Doctor is but her companion! The Doctor points out that he doesn't actually have a name, so they could only be "The Doctor and The Doctor" or "The Doctor and ___ " if she followed through with that, which would make writing the rest of this synopsis a real bitch. Lucie reluctantly agrees that they'll keep their current nom-de-plumes for convenience sake, but makes it clear that the Doctor will now have no role in proceedings but to hand her marital aids and tell her how fantastic her arse looks.

Now with all of time and space at her command... Lucie has no idea where to go. She asks the Doctor for a suggestion, and he suggests the year 1997. Lucie laughs, and says she wants the exact OPPOSITE year - so they're going to 7991! The Doctor grins, saying that's exactly what he'd like, and Lucie fumes and decides to just land the fucking thing in the nebulous thousand-year gap known as "The UNIT period".

They emerge from the TARDIS into a space-station somehow formed entirely out of sub-grade Hungarian techno music, and Lucie exclaims, horrified, that they've entered the lair of Professor Zarquaard of Zylong-Zoorg! The Doctor is similarly horrified when he realises that their role reversal is so extreme that Lucie now has the entirety of his wealth of knowledge, and his mind is now filled with nothing but supposed remedies for crow's feet and urban legends about cheating the breathaliser. Realising how useful these could be the Doctor jots them down so that he won't forget them if he recovers his old mind, only to realise Lucie has gone running off like a cat on Ecstasy.

"Oh, great, now she's found my stash as well..."

Meanwhile DCI Duggan of the Bristol Motherfucking Police Force and Shaft Appreciation Society (which he is quick to point out refers to the blaxploitation TV series rather than the male sexual organs) parks his car in a glorious 720 degree handbrake turn at the latest crime scene. To his disgust, he finds the smouldering wreckage of a caravan and half a dozen dead junkies, whose corpses he kicks in rage. He tells his fellow coppers to 'shut it' before they've even started to open their mouths and screams his head off about the "NEW POISON IN MY CITY!!!" - specifically the new wave of Hungarian techno music. Abruptly he pulls out three magnums (Not a bad trick if you can do it) and says everybody else is off the case - these mofos are HIS! Soon after he says this he realises that he doesn't actually have any leads, but concedes that it doesn't matter that much considering his general 'investigation' style. He then gets back in his car and flattens an ice-cream stall as he thunders off at his cars minimum speed of 85mph.

"So... does that guy work here or something?" asks one of the several baffled policemen.

Lucie is now face to face with the devilish Professor Zarquaard himself, now resplendent in his trusty Z-suit he bought off the Zeta-Zroodqnorgs a zillion zeptlops ago. As Lucie kindly explains to the audience, if you've played Jedi Knight 2 it's basically exactly the same as the retarded robot suit that Galak wears at the end, except with sub-woofers in place of guns. She then demands that Zarquaard unconditionally surrender and tell her how hot her arse is looking right now in those jeans. Zarquaard is unimpressed with the demand, but does concede that, in all likelihood, he would.

At that moment, however, the Doctor shows up! Lucie calls out for the incompetent fool to stay back, the Doctor runs into the fray in a particularly witless and girlish moment of thoughtlessness, leaving Zarquaard the perfect oppurtunity to unleash his mean beats, which resonate at just the perfect frequency within his body to sprain his ankle. He then loses consciousness when Lucie smacks him as if she were Benny Hill and he a bald guy. By the time her ministrations are over, Zarquaard is trundling away at a fairly unimpressive speed, looking for his escape pod. Lucie slings the Doctor over her shoulder, and starts off after him - but due to her drug addled state is soon ensnared in Zarquaard's deadliest of traps - a 3D-eye poster!

Elsewhere in the station, reality is momentarily torn apart, and from the darkness outisde comes... a Trudmukka! One of the all-too-many alien races patrolling the Time Vortex, and he has to fight off a shitload of Reapers, Chronovores, Pterodactyl-things, and distant abuse yelled by the drunk and bitter Abbadon to get out of there in one piece. Once on the otherside he does his best to staple the tear in the continuum shut, but it soon becomes apparent that somebody is majorly messing around with time.

Elsewhere again in the station the mysteriously inept Leadbeater arrives, and announces that, in case you missed the last episode, THIS is the time she will capture Lucie! All that she has to do to capture her Northern nemesis, is run up 300 flights of stairs in the next five minutes. A couple of seconds thought suggests that maybe she didn't really land in the best spot in the station, but she's committed herself now, and sets off on her mission. She then trips and falls down 20 flights.

Duggan, meanwhile has arrived at a mansion where the swankiest members of Bristol High Society (ie, pimps) are gathered to celebrate the birthday of Anita Zarkesh, a sixty-something Hungarian migrant and wool exporter who triumphed against all the odds, and is now having a highly refined and thoroughly upper-class dinner party where everyone is being terribly nice and British to one another. This sickens Duggan, and in response he drinks all the booze, shoots out the chandelier, and urinates on every second setee in the house, before reversing his car through their gazebo and speeding off into the night, drag-racing his mate Gene Hunt as he does so.

After a moment's unusually clear thought, Duggan realises that he forgot to actually ask whether they knew anything about the spate of Hungarian-music related deaths, but shrugs this off by deciding that a curry house will probably be the logical place to begin his investigation. And then he crashes into a bus station.

Elsewhere in Bristol Zarquaard beams into his tiny bed-sit that he shares with a bespectacled Colchester school teacher and announces that through his advanced manipulation of inferior Eastern European disco beats he has caused a nexal null-point in time, centered around the one creature that is most vital to his own existence - HIMSELF! The Teacher sniffs, drinks some port, and comments that the secret of immortality is vulgar and that he would have used the power to preserve instead his own true love.

Zarquaard points out that this would mean that he would become an old, wrinkly bastard while his true love would remain at the age of fourteen forever, and might be drawn to actually meet and go out with other people over eternity. Especially considering that Zarquaard hasn't even met Dakota Fanning yet. The teacher rolls his eyes and tells Zarquaard that it is completely wrong in every way to believe Dakota is his true love - because he's gay! All the hormones informing him of his supposed heterosexuality are merely a 'vocal minority' a very common phsyiological phenomenon, that he believes affects 95% of males throughout the world, and one he is strongly trying to address. The two then fall into what seems to be a routine argument, over whether it is worse to be a genocidally maniacal kiddy-stalker or a demented Gay-Supremist male-model-stalker, fall out with one another, threaten to move out, before sheepishly admitting that literally no-one else in the entire Universe will put up with either one of them and sitting down to watch Corrie.

Meanwhile, the Trudmukka is tearing Zarquaard's techno station apart angrily, looking for the nexus of the time storm that is going to let all of his arsehole family into this Universe, where no doubt they'll go on about all the money he owes them. During this rampage he stumbles across Lucie and the Doctor, and demands they tell him where the thing he needs to destroy is. Lucie shrugs and says that it's pretty much always on Earth. Which is fairly interesting considering that Earth is supposedly the planet that the Time Lords have banned her from travelling to...

Trudmukka is gone by this stage, leaving Lucie to stare at the 3D-eye poster in mild irritation, storming off to find an escape pod of his own and then... well, he's just ad-libbing here, but he's essentially going to tear some shit up. He gets so psyched that on his way to the pods he shoulder charges some insane, bedraggled woman in a bus-conductor's outfit down a massive flight of stairs, and misses her anguished cry of "Not again!"

The Doctor is fed up with his new role as an undistinguished and disposable piece of totty to shadow Lucie, and has broken away from her in-depth analysis of computer-generated art for stoners into the stations control room. He's now really sick of that techno music, and so uses his technical expertise to safely shut down the systems...

Lucie swears her head off when she realises that the Doctor has pressed the self-destruct!!! She drags him by the ear back to the TARDIS at a very quick run, as the station spectacularly explodes around them, yelling abuse at the bumbling fool. The Doctor moans, realising that his loss of power is now utterly complete. As the TARDIS flies off, the hole of space-time that Zarquaard's station occupied opens even further, allowing the TIME-EATING PTERODACTYLS into the word! An interidmensional being can be heard yelling "For fuck's sake!" in the extreme distance.

Meanwhile, in the TARDIS Lucie darkly mutters that she hasn't come across any such destructive form of music since her encounter with Tom Petty. The Doctor corrects her, saying that that was actually him, that Tom Petty was sort of on their side, and it only happened two weeks ago so the whole statement is actually singularly unimpressive. It's like saying "I haven't eaten baked beans on toast since last week" and clearly shows that she's really still an amateur at this kind of thing. Unfortunately, when it comes to a "dead Northern bollocksing" the same cannot be said.



What happened to resolve this narrative confusion? I have no idea, I never finished it. And... no I don't think Sparacus really had any importance to the plot at all..

9 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Ack! I could have used this brilliance, goddam! And having your name on the spoofs was a byword was "improved hilarity"!

Maybe I can salvage it for Phobos...

"Oh, great, now she's found my stash as well..."
Brilliant! Beyond superb!

"So... does that guy work here or something?" asks one of the several baffled policemen.
I'll need this genius for another Sixth Doc/Charley story... Thanks to Big Finish, it seems Gene Hunt is now a regular character...

The Teacher sniffs, drinks some port, and comments that the secret of immortality is vulgar and that he would have used the power to preserve instead his own true love.
You know, if there wasn't an unwritten law against Sparacus appearing in mainstream spooves...

This is up to your usual divine amazement-inducing awesomeness. I have to say, getting around the beginning was bloody difficult for me too. Especially when you know it's the most interesting and exciting than the garden party.

Inspired, I decide to post my final JC SCAD parody in honor of Chamber getting their first thread locked! Hah, these parasites WILL be forced out of their stasis! I am... THE PROMETHEUS OF KIYAMA!!

Oh, and I saw DTF last night. It seems to be an ongoing story rather than individual episodes, and my "no fist" fury was precisely what they intended. Cunning assholes.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Maybe I can salvage it for Phobos...

Phobos is also pretty bland, isn't it? I did start writing some stuff for that..

I'll need this genius for another Sixth Doc/Charley story... Thanks to Big Finish, it seems Gene Hunt is now a regular character...

Wow. Sounds like they're taking things in an interesting direction..

You know, if there wasn't an unwritten law against Sparacus appearing in mainstream spooves...

Ah. Wondered about that. I think at some stage you gave the spoof title as 'Normal Guys' so I added him to the story purely based on that. It seemed sensible at the time.

I have to say, getting around the beginning was bloody difficult for me too. Especially when you know it's the most interesting and exciting than the garden party.

Yeah, well, because I found the story so dull I decided to make the piss-take a real non-stop off-the-wall insanity fest and ignore what actually happened in the story..

I seem to use that technique quite a bit, actually...

Inspired, I decide to post my final JC SCAD parody in honor of Chamber getting their first thread locked! Hah, these parasites WILL be forced out of their stasis! I am... THE PROMETHEUS OF KIYAMA!!

I have no idea what these sentences mean. Oh, hang on... have you been on the DWAD forum again?

Oh, and I saw DTF last night. It seems to be an ongoing story rather than individual episodes, and my "no fist" fury was precisely what they intended. Cunning assholes.

Well, there you go. Still haven't seen that ep...

Youth of Australia said...

Phobos is also pretty bland, isn't it? I did start writing some stuff for that..
Well, I'm happy to use it.

Wow. Sounds like they're taking things in an interesting direction..
I know.

Ah. Wondered about that. I think at some stage you gave the spoof title as 'Normal Guys' so I added him to the story purely based on that. It seemed sensible at the time.
Yes, I did, that is true. But I kept changing my mind to an old Fleetwood Mac song that had the "three syllables, three words, last one LIES" motiff.

BTW, you know that link of yours takes you back to the Den of Inadequacy.

Yeah, well, because I found the story so dull I decided to make the piss-take a real non-stop off-the-wall insanity fest and ignore what actually happened in the story..
Well, I worked on a similar plan.

I seem to use that technique quite a bit, actually...
If it works, it works.

I have no idea what these sentences mean. Oh, hang on... have you been on the DWAD forum again?
*deranged Mephisto laughter*

Well, there you go. Still haven't seen that ep...
Well, you can watch tonight's as long as you know three things.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, I'm happy to use it.

Hmm, I'll have to dig it out after I've typed out a CV and done some HTML work..

BTW, you know that link of yours takes you back to the Den of Inadequacy.

Where else would you rather BE???

Seriously, though, thanks for the heads up. I must have left the link blank by mistake..

*deranged Mephisto laughter*

I've found that partiuclar car crash now... and I have to say that I'm fascinated by how this can possibly devolve into a state where it's locked. The first page is amazingly pleasant...

Well, you can watch tonight's as long as you know three things.

Hmm, I DO know three things. Awesome, I am SO there..

Youth of Australia said...

Hmm, I'll have to dig it out after I've typed out a CV and done some HTML work..
Hay, no rush.

Where else would you rather BE???
...point.

I've found that partiuclar car crash now... and I have to say that I'm fascinated by how this can possibly devolve into a state where it's locked. The first page is amazingly pleasant...
Oh, things change. They change bad.

Hmm, I DO know three things. Awesome, I am SO there..

1. About Steve
2. About the Womp
3. About Panda

But you can probably play the game.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

DTF - what the fuck was that? What the... I think it's possible that they're taking this over-arcing plot too seriously.

But then.. if they're trying to show that they can write TV as good as anybody in the country then I guess they've succeeded. As weird as it is to say it, they are doing very well thought-out character drama.

BUT I WATCH THE SHOW FOR ESCAPIST NONSENSE!

Youth of Australia said...

Yeah.

I've seen it twice and I still don't understand why Mephisto ended up in the labyrinth or what he signed up to or even WHY he signed up.

And what was that ending all about? Was this all a computer game? Is it some metatextual claim that DTF is fictional? Why did they beat up that angry goth girl and call her a "boy"? Why did Wetbox and pals make a run for it when they had the death collars on?

I CANNOT STAND THE CONFUSION IN MY MIND?!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, being barely able to hear the dialogue I assumed that that was all explained - I gathered that the Medieval re-enactors had tricked Mephisto into signing over the rights to Prawn World or something similar and found it quite neat that Mephisto, however briefly, was trapped in a text adventure game (wasn't sure if you'd have gotten the reference)

No, it was mostly the ending where Panda was apparently killed off and Steve seemingly has a complete breakdown that left me wondering what the hell the show's doing.

In it's defence, "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH - Krakbot" and the "SCANNING... HUMAN" bits were very, very funny. Along with Ahn-Do's very Tekker-esque turn as a villain.

But.. really.. "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO MAKE SOMEBODY BETTER!!!" ?

Youth of Australia said...

Well, being barely able to hear the dialogue I assumed that that was all explained - I gathered that the Medieval re-enactors had tricked Mephisto into signing over the rights to Prawn World or something similar and found it quite neat that Mephisto, however briefly, was trapped in a text adventure game (wasn't sure if you'd have gotten the reference)
I didn't. I was well confused by Womp's instructions.

No, it was mostly the ending where Panda was apparently killed off and Steve seemingly has a complete breakdown that left me wondering what the hell the show's doing.
It always struck me, you know, if Steve ever snapped it would be a bit more important than "no one likes my furniture". The way he refers to Panda as "family" creeped me out as well.

And what the hell? Everyone dies at least once an episode! Mephisto killed Panda in the Fistathlon! She'll be back. And will Steve apologize to the poor mime?

In it's defence, "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH - Krakbot" and the "SCANNING... HUMAN" bits were very, very funny. Along with Ahn-Do's very Tekker-esque turn as a villain.
I cracked up at AVENGE MEEEE!!!, and Mephisto tracking the internet connection to a video game, and Tara turning into Marvin, and those little old men who just drive off and leave Steve alone.

But.. really.. "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO MAKE SOMEBODY BETTER!!!" ?
No fist, Steve. No fist. After last week's I feel so sympathy for the sellout loser.