Wednesday, December 3, 2008

How to... depress yourself

My first attempt at a Wiki:HowTo. It got knocked back, though, as they said it didn't have very practical instructions to follow. I'll let my readers (yes, both of them!) be the judge of that.



The Secret of Depression

1. Fail at everything

2. Make jokes about the greatness of your failures light-heartedly, thus prompting your friends to laugh in your face

3. Write down a list of your day's achievements

4. Upon noticing that this list is emptier than Michael Bay's trophy cabinet, turn it into a list of your erotic fantasies

5. Hurriedly cross out all of the ones that involve other men

6. Awkwardly turn it into a laundry list upon a similar realisation to #4

7. Weep all over it like a little girl, thus letting your tears wash your life into the sweet oblivion that you are so envious of.

8. Masturbate

9. Repeat steps 1-8. Every day. For the rest of your life.

10. Reincarnate.

11. Relive the sheer patheticness of your previous life every second

12. Go to a Halloween party as Nigel Verkoff

13. Try to explain to the people at the Halloween party who the hell Nigel Verkoff is

14. Realise that we don't really have Halloween parties in Australia, and you're actually at a Buck's night. Alternatively, being American.

15. Misplace your entire bathroom, thus causing you to remove the full-body-shoe-polish integral to this costume.

16. Stop and think about the obvious option you had of NOT covering your genitals with said shoe-polish.

17. Attempt using an industrial solvent

18. Get your first hospital breakfast

19. Get your first kick-in-the-balls from an angry nurse

20. Receive likewise much over.

21. See your extended family

22. Run away from your extended family.

23. Write 2 million words about Doctor Who.

24. Watch 2 minutes of Summer Heights High.

25. Have your career destroyed in a few year's time when people discover libellous rants against Chris Lillee on your blog

26. When being facing said inquiry, get confused and explain that all the child pornography is simply research for your performance as Nigel Verkoff you gave prior to your full-body skin-graft

27. Watch a marathon of Big Stan, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay and the complete series of Oz to prepare for your life in jail.

28. Discover that capital punishment is re-legalised, because you're in a dystopic future now.

29. Go with the whole "These charges are false!" angle and inadvertently cause your lawyer to be brutally murdered

30. You seduce the lawyer's now-widow, only to realise that you're actually making out with a dead dog like that really fucked up scene in Changi. (I'm sure I didn't imagine that...)

31. Escape with your analrapists and declare yourself a heroic rebel leader, only to realise your crew are arseholes and your spaceship wants to kill you.

32. Be crushed mercilessly... by a deathly pale lisping anorexic drama queen of all people!

33. Have a boot stamping on your face, FOREVER.

34. Wake up, and marvel at the sheer fucked-upness of your day-dreams

35. Look down and realise you ARE dressed as Nigel Verkoff

36. Look harder and realise... that you ARE Nigel Verkoff.

37. Jump out of the window like Denholm in The IT Crowd... only to discover the ground is made of sponge cake.

38. Remember you love sponge cake

39. But forget that you're diabetic

40. And incontinent

41. Holy shit, are you Nigel Verkoff at all??? .... yes. False hope there.

42. Do some assignments

43. Receive your marks on said assignments

44. Listen to your voice on tape

45. Play the demo of Sudden Strike 2

46. Read Sean Hughes' book

47. Watch An Inconvenient Truth

48. Watch The Great Global Warming Swindle

49. Watch the full five minutes of that YouTube video of a drunk David Hasselhoff

50. Watch the five second cameo of David Hasselhoff in Dodgeball

51. Actually, that last one is hilarious. I don't know, hit yourself in the balls with a claw hammer or something. But try not to make it too funny.

52. Clone yourself and make love to the clone

53. Get dumped by your own clone

54. Realise that was ANOTHER dream, and that your entire life is a lie told to a deaf man.

55. Hang out with Jym de Natale

56. Look back at the references you've been making and realise how beyond obscure they are.

57. Go into a door just like the one in Being John Malkovich, except that it transports you into Jym de Natale's body for a day instead.

58. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into the Grammys

59. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into the Tonys

60. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into the fat moustachioed gay S&M model of the year award ceremony

61. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into Burger King

62. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into Alan Jones

63. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into your own pants

64. Unsuccessfully attempt to get the lead role in some zero-budget fan audios

65. Unsuccessfully attempt to win an argument on the internet

66. Go home.

67. Realise home is a sewage outlet

68. Realise the process is irreversible.

69. Grow old

70. Die



Well.... that'd be a start. But it still won't get you as low as I was feeling a little while ago.



Feeling great now, though. So the moral of the story is: incorporeal mental punching bags are AWESOME. And if, say, anyone should feel the need to steal any slurs against a certain amateur actor mentioned above, they are all fair game.

EDIT: Good God, how could I leave watching Blake off that list? Ah, well. I think I covered that series fairly well in my usual subtle style...

7 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Very amusing, NOT! You've listed this entirely out of my own blogs! You've stolen my life, you internet parasite and are mocking me! MOCKING ME WITH MY OWN MISERY!

You know damn well that 2, 7, 10, 12-24, 33-36, 55-56, 69 IS ALL ME!

You also missed out

* Watching Alan Stevens' explain that he only watches children's shows because he believes the main characters are racist, sexist, sadistic selfish psychopaths who orally rape burn victims while pointlessly mentioning Doctor Who

* Realize your cat has a huge abcess under his eye and rush him to the vet, not see him for two days and have to put up with the rest of the cats discovering their one purpose in life is to look sad and heartbroken as they vainly search for their missing companion

* Listen to Curse of the Daleks

* Realize, after being asked by a neighbor to provide some artwork for a birthday party you've actually drawn the Grim Reaper making vulgar hand gestures and screaming "KEEP... PERSPECTIVE..."

* Be asked by your dad what you actually write all day and can't decide whether "blogging" or "writing parodies of BF stories to a smaller audience than Lilley's acting talent" is worse.

* Realize that your favorite cat, the one with no teeth, is into self harm, has ripped out most of her fur and is now lying bleeding on the window sill... and acting like it's YOUR fault

* Watching the bit in Love and Monsters where Elton remembers his mum

* Watching The Idiot's Lantern

* Boggle at Murray Gold ending the Idiot's Lantern by stilling the tune from Jesus Christ Superstar

* Boggle at the fact that this music nearly accompanied attempted homosexual rape of a children's hero, who then beat up a teenage boy and ran away

* Realize that the episode of The Comic Strip Presents you went through hell downloading is cheap ripoff of The Producers

* Watch a new episode of Hustle which is a cheap rip off of that episode of The Comic Strip Presents

* Watch the last episode of The Young Ones followed immediately by the first episode of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

* Watch The Day After to see if the Yanks REALLY think it's nastier than Threads and boggle at the idea that Americans... AMERICANS... would calmly and helpfully accept death by radiation sickness and cooperate with the authorities they say they don't trust

* Notice the surprising number of psychotic rednecks survive radiation poisoning better than cockroaches and the way they blow each other away is rather unrealistic - why wait?

* Stare at the handful of bits in Time's Champion where the Master IS the War Chief and realize this may be your only provable contribution to the history of mankind

* Write this

Oh, and you can say the Open Letter to Chris Lilly was from me. What's a blogpost gonna do? Get me FIRED?!?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Very amusing, NOT!

Oh, now I go back down again...

You've listed this entirely out of my own blogs!

What? What a scurrilous accusation! I know DOZENS of people who have suffered shoe-polish/industrial solvent mishaps.

You know damn well that 2, 7, 10, 12-24, 33-36, 55-56, 69 IS ALL ME!

I notice that you've disowned the gay paranoia stuff and denying all knowledge of the overweight mustachioed bloke..

* Watching Alan Stevens' explain that he only watches children's shows because he believes the main characters are racist, sexist, sadistic selfish psychopaths who orally rape burn victims while pointlessly mentioning Doctor Who

..orally rape burn victims? What's all that about?

* Realize your cat has a huge abcess under his eye and rush him to the vet, not see him for two days and have to put up with the rest of the cats discovering their one purpose in life is to look sad and heartbroken as they vainly search for their missing companion

Damned abcesses, nothing but trouble. My dad had one under his tooth, somehow, and nearly died in the dentists chair. He was, according to said dentist, "under enough anesthetic to knock out an elephant, and still screaming"

* Listen to Curse of the Daleks

Ooh, who's that one by?

* Realize, after being asked by a neighbor to provide some artwork for a birthday party you've actually drawn the Grim Reaper making vulgar hand gestures and screaming "KEEP... PERSPECTIVE..."

I find it difficult to imagine how you could have drawn that inadvertently.

* Be asked by your dad what you actually write all day and can't decide whether "blogging" or "writing parodies of BF stories to a smaller audience than Lilley's acting talent" is worse.

Yeah, should probably defuse it by saying that you're writing fetish Lord of the Rings slash fiction.

* Realize that your favorite cat, the one with no teeth, is into self harm, has ripped out most of her fur and is now lying bleeding on the window sill... and acting like it's YOUR fault

You're making me enjoy my sans-feline life at the moment, mate..

* Watching the bit in Love and Monsters where Elton remembers his mum

Awww... yeah, that is sad. Possibly make it worse by editing it together with Wanted, so it looks like Elton's webcam is interrupted by a psychopath crashing a dumptruck full of explosive mice into his apartment building and killing him off in the most senseless way possible.

* Boggle at the fact that this music nearly accompanied attempted homosexual rape of a children's hero, who then beat up a teenage boy and ran away

LMAO!

Yeah that... yeah, I don't know what to say about that. At that age was Mark Gatiss merrily pulling down strangers' trousers at the slightest suggestion on the part of other strangers?

Okay, it's not at all outside the realms of plausibility..

* Realize that the episode of The Comic Strip Presents you went through hell downloading is cheap ripoff of The Producers

Can't recall that one. We've got the entire collection and I've recently found out how to rip DVDs, so I could get you any that you haven't seen.

* Watch The Day After to see if the Yanks REALLY think it's nastier than Threads and boggle at the idea that Americans... AMERICANS... would calmly and helpfully accept death by radiation sickness and cooperate with the authorities they say they don't trust

Hmm, yeah, that's a bit odd. Especially from the post-Katrina perspective.

All I got to add to the list is that I missed the special Inspektor Herring episode of Newstopia last night because our deaf, inbred neighbour was hallucinating and thought that a house down the road was on fire.

So YOU WIN!!!

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, now I go back down again...
/evil Bernard Black laughter/

What? What a scurrilous accusation! I know DOZENS of people who have suffered shoe-polish/industrial solvent mishaps.
Well, it IS a domestic incident that happens every day...

I notice that you've disowned the gay paranoia stuff and denying all knowledge of the overweight mustachioed bloke..
Oh, you're just dying for me to absolve you of that...

..orally rape burn victims? What's all that about?
...you know, I'm not sure. It started with him bitching that 'Temptation' was a ripoff of 'Father's Day' and then it went downhill. I lost track after Stevens, upon being told he was a psychopath, said "cold heart warm feet"... like that was an answer or something...

Damned abcesses, nothing but trouble. My dad had one under his tooth, somehow, and nearly died in the dentists chair. He was, according to said dentist, "under enough anesthetic to knock out an elephant, and still screaming"
OOOOUCH.

Ooh, who's that one by?
David Whittaker, first DW stage play in 1964. It's been done by BF, but they literally haven't been allowed to change a thing.

It is AWFUL! Imagine the worst pulp 1950s crap you can imagine scattered with things like "space radar" and having astronauts wonder what "calories" mean and frustrated ice maidens complaing "alas, in space travel, women are treated as dresden china", and it's all completely awful shite! The only possible good thing is Michael Praed as an Avon substitute (because in the heady and distant future, prisoners are handcuffed together and locked in a cupboard aboard civilian passenger ships that happen to fly by Dalek-occupied planets)... GAH!

I find it difficult to imagine how you could have drawn that inadvertently.
It was a "hang on a sec" moment.

Yeah, should probably defuse it by saying that you're writing fetish Lord of the Rings slash fiction.
Of course! But there are only so many times "Legolas Leg Over" gets a laugh...

You're making me enjoy my sans-feline life at the moment, mate..
Good...

Awww... yeah, that is sad. Possibly make it worse by editing it together with Wanted, so it looks like Elton's webcam is interrupted by a psychopath crashing a dumptruck full of explosive mice into his apartment building and killing him off in the most senseless way possible.
Speaking of which, John Simms was jumping off tall buildings in Cracker last night...

LMAO! Yeah that... yeah, I don't know what to say about that. At that age was Mark Gatiss merrily pulling down strangers' trousers at the slightest suggestion on the part of other strangers?
I would not be surprised. But since Tommy was his own Mary Sue, he basically has his childhood hero beat him up and call him queer. And he wanted this shown on television. To millions of people.

...

Can't recall that one. We've got the entire collection and I've recently found out how to rip DVDs, so I could get you any that you haven't seen.
I only saw a handful on SBS, the two parter about the Fawklands, GLC, the Four Men stuff, and a creepy 2001-style thing about a wedding which all turns out to be a deathbed dream of a guy in a car crash...

The ep was Private Enterprize "You're the 49th brother of Brian Epstein I've met today..."

Hmm, yeah, that's a bit odd. Especially from the post-Katrina perspective.
About the nastiest thing they do is accidentally tramble a guy... oh, and the bomb going off is funny! They all turn into cartoon skeletons as they vaporize! Like a camper version of the Cat dying in The Inquisitor...

All I got to add to the list is that I missed the special Inspektor Herring episode of Newstopia last night because our deaf, inbred neighbour was hallucinating and thought that a house down the road was on fire.
So YOU WIN!!!

I taped it... I think. I might be able to put it onto DVD for you. No promises, but I can try.

It was... um... odd.

I was really baffled until I realized that McCallif's wife was actually Herring's widow, but the silent laughter credits is the most disturbing thing I've seen since certain episodes of The Mighty Boosh.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

...you know, I'm not sure. It started with him bitching that 'Temptation' was a ripoff of 'Father's Day' and then it went downhill.

'Temptation'? What on Earth is that?

I lost track after Stevens, upon being told he was a psychopath, said "cold heart warm feet"... like that was an answer or something...

...does he run in marathons?

David Whittaker, first DW stage play in 1964. It's been done by BF, but they literally haven't been allowed to change a thing.

Hmm, never heard of it. Can't be too good.

I mean, cos I've heard of 7 Keys to Doomsday, I've heard of that play Terry Nation did about the Daleks without the Doctor a couple of years before hand, and of course The Ultimate Adventure...

It is AWFUL!

Wow, who'd have thought it?

Imagine the worst pulp 1950s crap you can imagine scattered with things like "space radar"

Well, sonar's the one that's impossible to work in space, but I get that adding 'space' in front of every noun gets tiresome.

having astronauts wonder what "calories" mean and frustrated ice maidens complaing "alas, in space travel, women are treated as dresden china", and it's all completely awful shite!

...hoooboy.

Whittaker saved his best work for the TV screen, then?

Speaking of which, John Simms was jumping off tall buildings in Cracker last night...

What? What are you on about? Lorcan Cranitch dives off a building with some other guy, a school teacher threatens to jump off the same building, and John Simms plays a gay teenager who gets shot in the third-to-last episode. Unless this is another new episode...

I would not be surprised. But since Tommy was his own Mary Sue, he basically has his childhood hero beat him up and call him queer. And he wanted this shown on television. To millions of people.

LMAO. Technically it wouldn't have been on screen, though.

Remind me... this wasn't something that made it far enough to be a deleted scene on the DVD, surely? I can't imagine RTD having an eighth of a bar of it..

I only saw a handful on SBS, the two parter about the Fawklands, GLC, the Four Men stuff, and a creepy 2001-style thing about a wedding which all turns out to be a deathbed dream of a guy in a car crash...

Oh, yeah, those are pretty good. I love South Pacific Raiders (the Falklands) in particular.

Can't believe you haven't seen more. I'll need to burn you some of the classics - Bad News, A Fistful of Traveller's Checques, Dirty Movie, Five Go Mad in Dorset, etcetera.

The ep was Private Enterprize "You're the 49th brother of Brian Epstein I've met today..."

Personally I liked that one. It's a bit lean in content compared to some of the others, though.

oh, and the bomb going off is funny! They all turn into cartoon skeletons as they vaporize! Like a camper version of the Cat dying in The Inquisitor...

Lol. So NOT worse than Threads, you're suggesting?

I taped it... I think. I might be able to put it onto DVD for you. No promises, but I can try.

Don't worry, I'm sure my brother will get a copy.

It was... um... odd.

I saw enough to see that it was a broad pisstake of The Manchurian Candidate... and that the last minute I saw allowed Michallef to vent about Andre Rieu and reference Blade Runner. AGAIN. This is what happens when you give him complete freedom...

Youth of Australia said...

'Temptation'? What on Earth is that?
The Temptation of Sarah Jane Smith, a sequel to Turn Left.

...does he run in marathons?
I doubt he gets out of bed.

Hmm, never heard of it. Can't be too good.
It was supposed to explain how the Daleks got from being dead in their first TV story to conquering the Earth. Didn't work out like that...

I've heard of that play Terry Nation did about the Daleks without the Doctor a couple of years before hand
That one.

Wow, who'd have thought it?
It's not BF's fault, I have to say. I don't know how anyone could make it could without a full rewrite.

Well, sonar's the one that's impossible to work in space, but I get that adding 'space' in front of every noun gets tiresome.
"Picture-sonar", that's one they say all the time too...

...hoooboy.
Whittaker saved his best work for the TV screen, then?

I'm wondering. About the best bit is when, in the middle of all this 'characterization' a Dalek gets so sick of it, it comes to life and glides out.

What? What are you on about? Lorcan Cranitch dives off a building with some other guy, a school teacher threatens to jump off the same building, and John Simms plays a gay teenager who gets shot in the third-to-last episode. Unless this is another new episode...
I didn't say he died, just jumped off the top of a building onto another building...

LMAO. Technically it wouldn't have been on screen, though.
Oh, well

Remind me... this wasn't something that made it far enough to be a deleted scene on the DVD, surely? I can't imagine RTD having an eighth of a bar of it..
It didn't reach final draft as RTD lied through his teeth and said it would conflict with the ending of "Fear Her". I wonder what Gatiss thought when the episode ended and the Doctor hadn't beaten up any gay men at all?

Oh, yeah, those are pretty good. I love South Pacific Raiders (the Falklands) in particular.
Ah, my favorite. I was disappointed when I realized they wouldn't be in every episode.

Can't believe you haven't seen more. I'll need to burn you some of the classics - Bad News, A Fistful of Traveller's Checques, Dirty Movie, Five Go Mad in Dorset, etcetera.
My music teacher showed us Bad News and I've seen the first ten seconds of FGMID, just after the last episode of Paradise Towers, oddly enough...

Personally I liked that one. It's a bit lean in content compared to some of the others, though.
I liked it, but during the 'blowing up theatres' bit it struck me how familiar it was. I have to say though that Enterprize is a better structured plot than The Producers (OMG! They like it! We've got to stop them-- oh, wait, now we're in jail. Movie over).

Lol. So NOT worse than Threads, you're suggesting?
You kind of lose sympathy at the bit where the prom queen runs out into the nuclear winter screaming, "See? Nothing's wrong! We can be happy!" and her boyfriend keeps trying to point out that she's walking through three layers of radioactive ash and dead animals. The final scene has her bald and dying in a hospice from fallout - well, to be honest dear, it's best for the species we weed out the idiots now.

Don't worry, I'm sure my brother will get a copy.
Phew, less work for me.

I saw enough to see that it was a broad pisstake of The Manchurian Candidate... and that the last minute I saw allowed Michallef to vent about Andre Rieu and reference Blade Runner. AGAIN. This is what happens when you give him complete freedom...
It was a Blade Runner reference, them losing control of the pram?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

It was supposed to explain how the Daleks got from being dead in their first TV story to conquering the Earth. Didn't work out like that...

Funny. Dalek Invasion of Earth did the exact same thing.

I didn't say he died, just jumped off the top of a building onto another building...

Ah, right. Can't remember the episode too clearly. In fact, I watched the second part the morning after a party, and I may have been sharing the couch with the guy who'd pulled a knife the night before. So possibly I was a little distracted.

It didn't reach final draft as RTD lied through his teeth and said it would conflict with the ending of "Fear Her".

Hmm, that's interesting. If anything TIL does that anyway because they both feature large suburban street parties an a small child traumatised by their father.

Finding it hard to imagine with how that ending could conflict with another's. Or with anything aisde from common sense and good taste..

Ah, my favorite. I was disappointed when I realized they wouldn't be in every episode.
Well, yeah. Max, Robbie Coltrane's drunken, stressed out bank manager appears earlier in the series, curiously enough, in a story called Gino, when he's considerably younger and wilder.

My music teacher showed us Bad News and I've seen the first ten seconds of FGMID, just after the last episode of Paradise Towers, oddly enough...

Learn much from watching Bad News? Come to that, learn much of anything in music class?

I liked it, but during the 'blowing up theatres' bit it struck me how familiar it was.

Haven't seen The Producers.

It was a Blade Runner reference, them losing control of the pram?

No, but the weird voice-over was verbatim from the end credits of the original cut.

Youth of Australia said...

Funny. Dalek Invasion of Earth did the exact same thing.
Trust me, the whole "it hasn't happened yet" is genius in comparison.

Ah, right. Can't remember the episode too clearly. In fact, I watched the second part the morning after a party, and I may have been sharing the couch with the guy who'd pulled a knife the night before. So possibly I was a little distracted.
I know exactly how you feel.

Hmm, that's interesting. If anything TIL does that anyway because they both feature large suburban street parties an a small child traumatised by their father.
Ironic, huh?

Finding it hard to imagine with how that ending could conflict with another's. Or with anything aisde from common sense and good taste..
It would conflict with the second-last episode of League of Gentlemen when something similar occured...

Well, yeah. Max, Robbie Coltrane's drunken, stressed out bank manager appears earlier in the series, curiously enough, in a story called Gino, when he's considerably younger and wilder.
I have GOT to see these.

Learn much from watching Bad News? Come to that, learn much of anything in music class?
I'm kind of tone deaf and lack the coordination to play musical instruments.

Haven't seen The Producers.
It's overhyped.

No, but the weird voice-over was verbatim from the end credits of the original cut.
Oh. Well, I did notice "Was Tony Blair a replicant" earlier in the series...