Saturday, February 28, 2009

Worst Possible Underwear Slogans?

You may noticed it's fairly difficult to buy underwear without amusing slogans on them, at least when you're not shopping at David Jones (you posh bastard), but a thought occurred to me - what would be the absolute worst slogans to have?

Intel Inside

Where's the Beef?

Men at Work

The Buck Stops Here

Authorized Personnel Only

We Are Now at Defcon-1

I Heart Harry Potter

Take the Blue Pill Now

If you can read this you are too sober

Smile, You're on Camera!

I am a Destroyer of Worlds

I Heart Fendahl

My Other Underwear is an Old Newspaper

Cthulu Woz Ere

Police Line Do Not Cross

Objects in Underwear May be Larger than they Appear

I Heart I Heart Huckabees

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Fragile Contents

Mother, is that you?

This is the First Day of the Rest of your Life

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay


Hmm, now I think about it, my answer would probably have to be..

The Rod of Rassilon!


Now the real question is - how many of these have actually been made?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Late night musings..

Just looked to see if Lawrence Miles had updated his blog, and noticed a little sidebar joke I don't remember from before. It's utterly shit, mean-spirited and egotistical to the point of textual autofellatio, as usual, but I thought worthy of note because it sets it up so easily for a punchline..

...new executive producer reported to be suffering from "depression" after realising that he's going to have to write a better series re-boot than "The Book of the World": full story, page 3.

"...discovers solution in pack of StillNox and twelve glasses of water."


I always like to pad out an entry, so how about some scarcely legible quotes I saved off IMDb?

this is a film where a man is committed of murder of a blow up doll a grate film of fun and happy laughter a film u should watch again and again and love and i advice every one to watch it but can u only watch it ones Mel smiths second best do since father Christmas a animation all should watch but Griff his second to to the renovation shows this is a cheep film but well worth pay of the film i bet this film got lots of votes and if u thort this film was a story or comedy watch worst day of my life staring Griff's wife of film Eva wilt y don't British make films like this any more but just in stuff like worst day of my life cus cost of film is to expensive what will we do just laff at stuff of old in films and but two pints of lager is top rated comedy seen yet but as we are on this film watch it all and try not want to buy it will be hard to resist u can see y smith and Jones was so good

*

Shear genius!!! This sitcom just keeps getting better!!! 18 Episodes in (18! - you don't get that on terrestrial) & it still has me wetting myself every week. Catchphrases abound: "Its not normal","never confused","I'm cheeky me","Look at his face - its a picture","Back off Brussels","Damn my bean shaped face","COW! Never pulled a pint in her life","Mustards Yellow - not Brown!","They play bowls on gravel for pitys sake!" and "Do you remember when the Prof won £2 out of that machine". Funniest telly since the Fast Show.

*

2. Hey little slumdogs, sorry that your life sucks so much. Sorry that you're living on the streets, begging for food and living in a hell hole where a guy blinds people by pouring boiling water into your eyes. Oh wait, I'm not sorry because Danny Boyle is directing this mess and that means it's all CRAZY AND FAST AND SUPER AWESOME. Sorry I can't feel sympathy for you guys, but it's all about the style up in this bitch.

3. If you girls can learn anything from little Latika, it's that if your childhood consists of begging for food, getting the hell beat out of you and dancing for horny strangers, you'll grow up to be a complete mega hottie. Good move, Boyle. Your movie sucks less. Just kidding.

4. Hey Jamal, your life was filled with pain and suffering and awesome music! Hey the love of your life is getting the hell beat out of her by a gangster who is also your brother's boss. Your brother went from being a dick to being an even bigger dick who ruins your life! But it's alright because now you're winning millions on a gameshow with an asshole! And the love of your life found you and the two of you can now be together forever! Isn't that awesome?! Oh, you don't care? Like, at all? You're just going to look like you don't even really want to be there? Even when you're finally reunited with that mega hottie love of your life? Oh, alright. Well...see you later.


Obviously the last one refers to Oscar-winning Slumdog Millionaire (I guess I'm waiting for the DVD... or waiting for somebody to watch the DVD in my presence.. or not actually waiting at all..) but points if anyone can work out what the first two refer to..

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Greetings to the Bottom of the Barrell

Aw, man, I haven't posted in ages. What's something I can write in the space of about ten seconds?

What if *Alan Stevens* wrote the end of Blakes 7 Gold


(*Avon, Keiller and Soolin wait for the mysterious cloaked figures to arrive, guarding the crates of precious gold. When they do, we see that the face of their leader is revealed to Avon, but the audience cannot see...)

AVON: Ah. When I saw you were the commander of security of a former President, I thought there was only one real candidate..

KEILLER: Avon this isn't what you think..

AVON: President Fendahleen!

(We see that there is a giant green tapeworm with bits hanging out underneath the cloak. It burbles incoherently)

KEILLER: He says hello.

SOOLIN: I thought it would have to be Servalan...

AVON: Oh, come on - look at this fat bastard! Does he look like he'd survive in this dog-eat-dog fallout of the Federation, let alone be a good enough soldier for Servalan to hire as her personal bodyguard?

SOOLIN: I wasn't saying it would have to make any sense. Speaking of which - how the hell did a giant glowing tapeworm become President? Is that what you call sensible?

KEILLER: How dare you say that about my lover!

AVON: Your... lover?

KEILLER: Oh, I knew you'd be the same. Nobody can understand the purity of our love - nobody else can understand that this is no mere bestiality - that I am ascneding onto a higher plane. That our squishy bonding is what all men should aspire to, and that the squelch of our

(Copious vomiting)

KEILLER: Some people have no concept of romance.

(President Fendahleen is growing as visibly bored as it is possible for a Fendahleen to be, and so sucks the life out of one of its minders. His screams of pain drown out the last of Avon and Soolin's dry-heaving)

AVON: Give me three good reasons not to kill you.

KEILLER: Why three?

AVON: Because I've got two against already - you're a sick, perverted bastard and my tight leather trousers are ruined. Three if you count that I'm a complete psychopath this week for reasons not clear to me personally.

KEILLER: Well, we've got a lot of money in exchange for the gold, I plan to leave you alone from here on and...

SOOLIN: Yeah?

KEILLER: Erm... I'm friends with God?

AVON: The Fendahl is God?

KEILLER: Yes.

(Beat)

AVON: Well, I'm glad that's settled. Die, motherfucker.

(Avon shoots Keiller eight times through the head. Soolin shoots the Fendahleen's minders.)

AVON: You shoot good, Soolin.

SOOLIN: That's why you hired me.

AVON: Is it? Or did I just need a little... target practice?

SOOLIN: You motherf-

(Avon shoots Soolin down. She lies on the ground, dying)

SOOLIN: I should have known it from the start.. but I don't have a fucking clue what's going on...

AVON: This is the big time, blondie. Four cuts is better than five. Also, I'm a necrophiliac and I prefer white meat.

(Soolin looks at him with undisguised revulsion)

AVON: What? This is FOR ADULTS. A sexual motivation for everything makes things more interesting.

SOOLIN: I hope for your sake Tarrant agrees with that...

(She holds up her teleport bracelet - it's broadcasting back to the ship)

AVON: You double-crossing bitch!

SOOLIN: In what way have I double crossed anyone?

AVON: ...well, you've got me there. I guess I should think a little more before saying anything. I wonder how this day could get any worse..

(In that moment Avon is taken roughly from behind by Fendahleen whom, you may have noted, they failed to kill. This is possibly because he is the personification of Death, possibly because he is in fact the true master of all creation, but most likely because Avon and Soolin have been quite retarded this week)

AVON: NOOO! Homosexuality is worse than death!!!

(Instead of dying, however, Avon re-appears in The Liberator flight deck. He observes an oddly lifeless Zen)

AVON: Ahh, instead of dying I've been sent backwards in time, to the fateful day that we discovered the Liberator. Now I have the oppurtunity to change the timelines and save myself, and I must judge the oppurtunity carefully...

(Blake, Avon and Jenna enter in their survival kits, and stop dead when they see future Avon)

OLD AVON: .. I think you should introduce yourself.

AVON: Quite right. My name is DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!

(Before you even finish this sentence all three are sizzling and twitching corpses splattered along the floor. Avon continues shooting everything else in the room and laughing madly. After a short time Raiker arrives and stares at Avon. Avon has run out of ammunition and stares back.)

RAIKER: You are a complete wanker, you know that?

(Raiker pulls off his face to reveal HE'S A FENDAHL! And then, you know, takes Avon roughly from behind.)


(CUT TO: A small, daintily decorates bedroom, where a tiny Fendahl-slug lies underneath a motorbike-covered eiderdown, and an elder Fendahl sits by it, reading from an old red-bound bound with reading glasses)

OLD FENDAHL: And from that day on, all humanity was our bitch, for the ten minutes or so before we murdered them brutally and ascended ourselves to rulership of the entire Universe.

YOUNG FENDAHL: I love that story, Grandpa.

OLD FENDAHL: And so do I.

YOUNG FENDAHL: But what happened to Vila, and Tarrant and the black one who never got any lines, Grandpa?

OLD FENDAHL: Oh, they were all killed in such brutal and horrible ways that even your sick little mind would have trouble understanding it. It's in this book, but only in the sealed section. Wait until your older.

YOUNG FENDAHL: Gee, I can't wait. Was Vila in lots of pain?

OLD FENDAHL: He passed out eight times, and was only re-awoken to continue the torture by rats set loose on his man-balls.

(Hearing this the young Fendahl drifts peacefully to sleep with a smile-like thing over it's mouth-like thing. Its grandfather creeps towards the door before turning off the light, casting one last admiring glance back at the little tyke before closing the door. Bizarrely 'THE END' appears on screen written in a big love heart before the credit rolls to the sound of John Lennon's 'Imagine')



I'm sure Stevens will see the funny side.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Why Haven't I posted anything?

I really do hate not posting on my blog, you know. But still, I regularly find myself in what would be referred to in a Conan-Doyle novel as a 'funk' where the drive mysteriously vanishes. This has happened to me and I've no idea why. Every time I write something I feel guilty about not doing something else, whether it be looking for a job, mowing or finishing that one last fucking assignment that's a deferred result but has been deferred simply because it's the kind of shit I can't stand doing. Here are a few reasons why I've barely posted anything:

* I've written drafts for around half a dozen posts, but about the same time. They're all half-finished.
* I've been back working on amateur adventure games in some of my spare time
* Trying to finish the pilot script for Mycroft and getting foiled by paranoia about it being complete crap.
* Trying to find out when the hell I'm meant to go back to TAFE via unhelpful and highly confusing websites.
* Stressing out massively about my Ps test - the only day I could book was January 22nd. My license expired January 27th. You can't have a second test within 7 days of failing your first.


I CAN'T BELIEVE I PASSED THAT TEST, WHOOOOOO!
Ahem
* Becoming oddly obsessed with a pen and paper role playing game named Shadowrun from the late 1980s I found in a used book shop. It's set in a Cyberpunk future where humans co-exist unhappily with Orks, Elves, Dwarves and Trolls and creating a plan for a TV series adaptation in my head that is really way too detailed...
* Wrangling two mischievious dogs.
* The aforementioned mowing and procrastinating over bullshit assignment.
* Having my own computer (as opposed to the family internet computer) die on me. It's where I keep all my drafts. Damn it's been a long time since I haven't been able to get into that harddrive...
* Catching up with my best friend a lot, who seems to have felt rather guilty for ignoring me entirely for around half a year.

Hopefully, it will all go back to normal soon...