Saturday, February 21, 2009

Greetings to the Bottom of the Barrell

Aw, man, I haven't posted in ages. What's something I can write in the space of about ten seconds?

What if *Alan Stevens* wrote the end of Blakes 7 Gold


(*Avon, Keiller and Soolin wait for the mysterious cloaked figures to arrive, guarding the crates of precious gold. When they do, we see that the face of their leader is revealed to Avon, but the audience cannot see...)

AVON: Ah. When I saw you were the commander of security of a former President, I thought there was only one real candidate..

KEILLER: Avon this isn't what you think..

AVON: President Fendahleen!

(We see that there is a giant green tapeworm with bits hanging out underneath the cloak. It burbles incoherently)

KEILLER: He says hello.

SOOLIN: I thought it would have to be Servalan...

AVON: Oh, come on - look at this fat bastard! Does he look like he'd survive in this dog-eat-dog fallout of the Federation, let alone be a good enough soldier for Servalan to hire as her personal bodyguard?

SOOLIN: I wasn't saying it would have to make any sense. Speaking of which - how the hell did a giant glowing tapeworm become President? Is that what you call sensible?

KEILLER: How dare you say that about my lover!

AVON: Your... lover?

KEILLER: Oh, I knew you'd be the same. Nobody can understand the purity of our love - nobody else can understand that this is no mere bestiality - that I am ascneding onto a higher plane. That our squishy bonding is what all men should aspire to, and that the squelch of our

(Copious vomiting)

KEILLER: Some people have no concept of romance.

(President Fendahleen is growing as visibly bored as it is possible for a Fendahleen to be, and so sucks the life out of one of its minders. His screams of pain drown out the last of Avon and Soolin's dry-heaving)

AVON: Give me three good reasons not to kill you.

KEILLER: Why three?

AVON: Because I've got two against already - you're a sick, perverted bastard and my tight leather trousers are ruined. Three if you count that I'm a complete psychopath this week for reasons not clear to me personally.

KEILLER: Well, we've got a lot of money in exchange for the gold, I plan to leave you alone from here on and...

SOOLIN: Yeah?

KEILLER: Erm... I'm friends with God?

AVON: The Fendahl is God?

KEILLER: Yes.

(Beat)

AVON: Well, I'm glad that's settled. Die, motherfucker.

(Avon shoots Keiller eight times through the head. Soolin shoots the Fendahleen's minders.)

AVON: You shoot good, Soolin.

SOOLIN: That's why you hired me.

AVON: Is it? Or did I just need a little... target practice?

SOOLIN: You motherf-

(Avon shoots Soolin down. She lies on the ground, dying)

SOOLIN: I should have known it from the start.. but I don't have a fucking clue what's going on...

AVON: This is the big time, blondie. Four cuts is better than five. Also, I'm a necrophiliac and I prefer white meat.

(Soolin looks at him with undisguised revulsion)

AVON: What? This is FOR ADULTS. A sexual motivation for everything makes things more interesting.

SOOLIN: I hope for your sake Tarrant agrees with that...

(She holds up her teleport bracelet - it's broadcasting back to the ship)

AVON: You double-crossing bitch!

SOOLIN: In what way have I double crossed anyone?

AVON: ...well, you've got me there. I guess I should think a little more before saying anything. I wonder how this day could get any worse..

(In that moment Avon is taken roughly from behind by Fendahleen whom, you may have noted, they failed to kill. This is possibly because he is the personification of Death, possibly because he is in fact the true master of all creation, but most likely because Avon and Soolin have been quite retarded this week)

AVON: NOOO! Homosexuality is worse than death!!!

(Instead of dying, however, Avon re-appears in The Liberator flight deck. He observes an oddly lifeless Zen)

AVON: Ahh, instead of dying I've been sent backwards in time, to the fateful day that we discovered the Liberator. Now I have the oppurtunity to change the timelines and save myself, and I must judge the oppurtunity carefully...

(Blake, Avon and Jenna enter in their survival kits, and stop dead when they see future Avon)

OLD AVON: .. I think you should introduce yourself.

AVON: Quite right. My name is DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!

(Before you even finish this sentence all three are sizzling and twitching corpses splattered along the floor. Avon continues shooting everything else in the room and laughing madly. After a short time Raiker arrives and stares at Avon. Avon has run out of ammunition and stares back.)

RAIKER: You are a complete wanker, you know that?

(Raiker pulls off his face to reveal HE'S A FENDAHL! And then, you know, takes Avon roughly from behind.)


(CUT TO: A small, daintily decorates bedroom, where a tiny Fendahl-slug lies underneath a motorbike-covered eiderdown, and an elder Fendahl sits by it, reading from an old red-bound bound with reading glasses)

OLD FENDAHL: And from that day on, all humanity was our bitch, for the ten minutes or so before we murdered them brutally and ascended ourselves to rulership of the entire Universe.

YOUNG FENDAHL: I love that story, Grandpa.

OLD FENDAHL: And so do I.

YOUNG FENDAHL: But what happened to Vila, and Tarrant and the black one who never got any lines, Grandpa?

OLD FENDAHL: Oh, they were all killed in such brutal and horrible ways that even your sick little mind would have trouble understanding it. It's in this book, but only in the sealed section. Wait until your older.

YOUNG FENDAHL: Gee, I can't wait. Was Vila in lots of pain?

OLD FENDAHL: He passed out eight times, and was only re-awoken to continue the torture by rats set loose on his man-balls.

(Hearing this the young Fendahl drifts peacefully to sleep with a smile-like thing over it's mouth-like thing. Its grandfather creeps towards the door before turning off the light, casting one last admiring glance back at the little tyke before closing the door. Bizarrely 'THE END' appears on screen written in a big love heart before the credit rolls to the sound of John Lennon's 'Imagine')



I'm sure Stevens will see the funny side.

7 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

No idea but I sure as hell did!

Brilliant! Just... just amazing. Avon deconstructing his own insanity is, oddly enough, exactly what you'd expect him to do.

This is all the more funny as I was reading Alan Stevens' comments on the infamous "Helen Raynor Must DIE!" thread, in which he just went off something chronic...

AS: You see, Daleks are supernatural beings. They cannot be destroyed.

OGer: ...WTF?

AS: According to Power of the Daleks, they can break the Second Law of Thermodynamics against all the laws of reality.

OGer: ...yes. But then you yourself wrote a huge article about how shit POTD was and how badly it was plotted.

AS: It still stands. The Daleks can travel through time in mirrors. They are magic. They can survive anything.

OGer: ....your point being?

AS: My point being is that you cannot fight Daleks! Daleks are hate! By fighting them, you make them stronger! You have to confuse the enemy, like the Doctor says in Destiny of the Daleks!

OGer: You mean, the one where he arm wrestles Davros into pressing the "blow up all Daleks" switch.

AS: ...kinda.

OGer: So, let me get this straight. If the Doctor just went up to the Daleks and said, "Sorry, you got the right idea," the Daleks would be defeated.

AS: EXACTLY!!

OGer: You. Are. A. Nutter.

AS: Didn't you see the end of Parting of the Ways? The Doctor stops and admits he's been wrong all along and the Daleks don't kill him!

OGer: Because Rose turned up.

AS: BEFORE Rose turned up, anus!

OGer: The Emperor was about to order them to kill him!

AS: But they wouldn't. The Doctor surrendering proved the Emperor was wrong, and the Daleks would have been redeemed. And so would the Doctor.

OGer: ...you REALLY think that would happen?

AS: I don't THINK, fucker, I KNOW.

OGer: So why didn't RTD write that?

AS: Because he wrote different endings! One where Rose died, one where she had a terminal disease and the one where the Doctor regenerated!

OGer: ...all of which, I noticed, involved SuperChav Bad Wolf turning up and nuking the Daleks.

AS: Exactly! And this is bad!

OGer: Wiping out the Daleks is bad?

AS: Of course! They'd just been redeemed! Can you imagine if, when Christ was on the Cross, God arrived and wiped out every last Roman in the universe? Christianity wouldn't have lasted a day!

OGer:...RTD's an athiest.

AS: The point still stands.

OGer: How?!? RTD wasn't trying to create a fucking religion! The story says religion is BAD! Religious Daleks are worse than NORMAL Daleks!

AS: RTD didn't know that there would be a second series.

OGer: Yes he fucking did! That's why they regenerated the Doctor!

AS: Yeah, but he didn't know at the very beginning. So he came up with the best ever ending of the Doctor surrendering to the Daleks and redeeming them.

OGer: So... why did he have Rose turn up and kill them all.

AS: Because Rose is evil. The Doctor's sin. He saves Rose because he is a psychopathic killer who "lets one go". She comes back to prove the Doctor cannot escape the past.

OGer: Rose isn't evil!

AS: Why does everyone hate her?

OGer: I don't hate her.

AS: You're shallow.

Mod: Oi! That's an insult against the code of conduct.

AS: Hah! It's only an insult if you can PROVE he's not shallow.

Mod: This isn't a debate bitch.

AS: Coz I'd win. You're just lying to yourselves.

OGer: If RTD agrees with you...

AS: Which he does.

OGer: Why, then, does he have a story where Solomon peacefully talks to the Daleks and reasons with them instead of violence... and they DON'T change and just murder the fuck out Solomon?

AS: ....fuck you.

Mod: Ok, Nyder, let's see the Fendahl get you out of THIS?!

(AS never posts on OG again).

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Holy shit. You have no idea how much I laughed at that.

A bit caught my eye

AS: It still stands. The Daleks can travel through time in mirrors. They are magic. They can survive anything.

Is he referring to Time of the Daleks there? Because that's the only one I can think of off the top of my head. Interestingly in that story the mirror technology was developed by human characters and was mostly used by the Doctor and his companions to get around..

Also, looking on IMDb out of curiousity for US opinions on their LoM. Buzz suggests that it's going to be cancelled after its 17th episode..

Youth of Australia said...

Holy shit. You have no idea how much I laughed at that.
Odd. Just kind of depressed me.

Is he referring to Time of the Daleks there? Because that's the only one I can think of off the top of my head.
Far from it. He's referring to Evil of the Daleks, which Time ripped off to an amazing extent - even down to the Doctor and the mad scientist discussing how mirror can create time travel before a Dalek turns up and acts in a non-death-machine manner before the cliffhanger has more Daleks come out of a mirror.

Interestingly in that story the mirror technology was developed by human characters and was mostly used by the Doctor and his companions to get around..
...same in Evil too.

But I never bothered to look at his "reasons". The Daleks in POTD NEVER say they can breaks the laws of thermodynamics. At one point they get ASKED to DEFINE said law, that's it.

Also, looking on IMDb out of curiousity for US opinions on their LoM. Buzz suggests that it's going to be cancelled after its 17th episode..
Ouch. The way they're stringing the plots out, I doubt we'd reach the Dad episode by then...

Cameron Mason said...


Also, looking on IMDb out of curiousity for US opinions on their LoM. Buzz suggests that it's going to be cancelled after its 17th episode..


And just as their version of the mythology is just kicking into gear...

Cameron

Miles Reid said...

I should never have brought up the concepts of Alan Stevens having sexual urges for the Fendahl.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Miles, he brought it up himself. More or less.

Miles Reid said...

Yes, but what's the subtext?