Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Late night musings..

Just looked to see if Lawrence Miles had updated his blog, and noticed a little sidebar joke I don't remember from before. It's utterly shit, mean-spirited and egotistical to the point of textual autofellatio, as usual, but I thought worthy of note because it sets it up so easily for a punchline..

...new executive producer reported to be suffering from "depression" after realising that he's going to have to write a better series re-boot than "The Book of the World": full story, page 3.

"...discovers solution in pack of StillNox and twelve glasses of water."


I always like to pad out an entry, so how about some scarcely legible quotes I saved off IMDb?

this is a film where a man is committed of murder of a blow up doll a grate film of fun and happy laughter a film u should watch again and again and love and i advice every one to watch it but can u only watch it ones Mel smiths second best do since father Christmas a animation all should watch but Griff his second to to the renovation shows this is a cheep film but well worth pay of the film i bet this film got lots of votes and if u thort this film was a story or comedy watch worst day of my life staring Griff's wife of film Eva wilt y don't British make films like this any more but just in stuff like worst day of my life cus cost of film is to expensive what will we do just laff at stuff of old in films and but two pints of lager is top rated comedy seen yet but as we are on this film watch it all and try not want to buy it will be hard to resist u can see y smith and Jones was so good

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Shear genius!!! This sitcom just keeps getting better!!! 18 Episodes in (18! - you don't get that on terrestrial) & it still has me wetting myself every week. Catchphrases abound: "Its not normal","never confused","I'm cheeky me","Look at his face - its a picture","Back off Brussels","Damn my bean shaped face","COW! Never pulled a pint in her life","Mustards Yellow - not Brown!","They play bowls on gravel for pitys sake!" and "Do you remember when the Prof won £2 out of that machine". Funniest telly since the Fast Show.

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2. Hey little slumdogs, sorry that your life sucks so much. Sorry that you're living on the streets, begging for food and living in a hell hole where a guy blinds people by pouring boiling water into your eyes. Oh wait, I'm not sorry because Danny Boyle is directing this mess and that means it's all CRAZY AND FAST AND SUPER AWESOME. Sorry I can't feel sympathy for you guys, but it's all about the style up in this bitch.

3. If you girls can learn anything from little Latika, it's that if your childhood consists of begging for food, getting the hell beat out of you and dancing for horny strangers, you'll grow up to be a complete mega hottie. Good move, Boyle. Your movie sucks less. Just kidding.

4. Hey Jamal, your life was filled with pain and suffering and awesome music! Hey the love of your life is getting the hell beat out of her by a gangster who is also your brother's boss. Your brother went from being a dick to being an even bigger dick who ruins your life! But it's alright because now you're winning millions on a gameshow with an asshole! And the love of your life found you and the two of you can now be together forever! Isn't that awesome?! Oh, you don't care? Like, at all? You're just going to look like you don't even really want to be there? Even when you're finally reunited with that mega hottie love of your life? Oh, alright. Well...see you later.


Obviously the last one refers to Oscar-winning Slumdog Millionaire (I guess I'm waiting for the DVD... or waiting for somebody to watch the DVD in my presence.. or not actually waiting at all..) but points if anyone can work out what the first two refer to..

8 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Is it wrong of me to admit I loved "Wilt" and, having read the book, was disappointed that the film didn't go far enough?

(In the original, once revived, the blow up doll not only 'pops out' but explodes, causing anti-terrorism scares... oh, and the Vamp lady murders her husband after he reveals to Wilt's missus she fancies her...)

"I bet if we dug up these graves, we'd find a body in every one!!"

I still laugh.

Youth of Australia said...

Time Gentleman Please was OK too, but I preferred his solo shows.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Once again you leave me with the feeling that I brought a termite-infested twig to a field artillery fight.

Is it wrong of me to admit I loved "Wilt" and, having read the book, was disappointed that the film didn't go far enough?

You may have mentioned it before, actually. I've only seen the film, though..

Youth of Australia said...

And did I mention it bugs me that Mad Larry thinks "The Randomness Times" a better use for his talent than updating the one blog people are actually INTERESTED in?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Not until right now.

...

That blog's STILL going?

Youth of Australia said...

Yep. Updates it every week (deleting the old ones of course, bar his rants that Catherine Tate is a war criminal).

You'd think he'd realize he was flogging a dead horse when he couldn't even think up a COVER this week.

Lawrence said...

Now, you do realise that the "better series re-boot" thing was a joke, don't you...? I used to know Moffat, and he could behave like an absolute ass at times, so now I poke fun at him in a "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" sort of way. Believing that I actually mean it is like believing that Des Lynham is really a sex symbol: it's a running gag, that's all. Besides, how can I (an unemployed borderline alcoholic with no visible future) say anything genuinely hurtful about Moffat (high-paid, high-profile controller of the universe)? Do you accuse your local Big Issue seller of being "mean-spirited" to W.H.Smith's? Hmmmm...?

As for being "egocentric": I've no idea why you say that, when I've never seriously said anything good about any of my writing, and consider most of my work to be a miserable, depressing failure. Ironically, the only thing that makes me happy is the Randomness Times, which I'll keep writing thank you very much. Oh, and only around 30% of the RT involves spitting bile at television programmes. There's at least as much about lusting after Dr Alice Roberts.

Y'know, you really do imagine me to be far more hostile than I really am. Isn't it clear by now that most of my anger is the rage of a frustrated romantic...? Give me a world of great art and kittens, and I'm happy.

Jared Hansen said...

Now, you do realise that the "better series re-boot" thing was a joke, don't you...?Yes, but it's very prone to being misinterpreted. I mean, the logic used is "He can possibly be that mean!" so therefore it's a joke, but the average person gets that reaction to almost all of your recent articles. Does this mean that everything expressed as your opinion in Beasthouse isn't true?

Besides, how can I (an unemployed borderline alcoholic with no visible future) say anything genuinely hurtful about Moffat (high-paid, high-profile controller of the universe)?I never claimed that it was hurtful to Moffat and I doubt it was for, ahem, much of the same reasons that you pointed out.

Do you accuse your local Big Issue seller of being "mean-spirited" to W.H.Smith's? Hmmmm...?I gather this would be a K.O. riposte to myself if I was actually British and knew what you meant. W.H. Smith is some dinky bookshop you have over there I gather, and The Big Issue is... something. A filthy pinko rag of some description?

Ironically, the only thing that makes me happy is the Randomness Times, which I'll keep writing thank you very much.If you stop Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V`ing your Robin Hood review (which is actually about The Professionals anyway) I might get a little bit of interest from it.

Y'know, you really do imagine me to be far more hostile than I really am. Isn't it clear by now that most of my anger is the rage of a frustrated romantic...?If you could have a look at other responses to what you've said the answer is a resounding 'No'.