Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sometimes Wikipedia gets it Right (WARNING, contains cricket)

From the Encyclopaedia you can trust:

Mitchell Guy Johnson (born 2 November 1981 in Townsville, Queensland) is an Australian cricketer. He is a left-arm fast-medium bowler and left-handed batsman. He took more than 90 wickets in his first 21 Tests and averaged in the mid-30s with the bat. He is quite simply the man.

That he is. That he is. If anyone changes this entry I shall kick them in the balls.

Not always, though, as should go without saying. For, say, the Victorian 'leg spinner' Bryce McGain, recently making his debut after an incredibly strong demand for a 'specialist spinner' to join the side and 'spin' the ball to 'take some wickets' Wikipedia has this to say:

McGain made his Test debut at Newlands in Cape Town in the third Test against South Africa in March 2009[5] however, McGain had a far from favourable Test debut conceding 0/149 from 18 overs. The South African batsman targetted him for attack and hit many sixes from his bowling. He made two in the first innings and was run out for a duck in the second.

For the sake of symmetry, if nothing else, this article should end with the sentence "He is quite simply SHITHOUSE".

I'm pretty sure that *I* could score a century of Bryce McGain's bowling. Now, I'm not railing against Cricket Australia for trying somebody else. In fact, I'd probably have a very different team (Katich, Hughes, Klinger, Ferguson, Ponting, Johnson, McDonald, Ronchi, Hauritz, Siddle, Bollinger say...). I am rather attacking Cricket Australia for deciding that the team needed a thirty-six year old IT professional.

We needed this:



Instead we got



Fuck you McGain.



Sigh. Why does revenge of the nerds never work in real life?

8 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Dunno. The Fendahl's evil plan is presumably responsible.

Jared Hansen said...

Funny, because that photo of Stuart MacGill is actually quite a bit like how I imagine Stevens to look, right down to the cold, dead eyes of a killer. THIS CANNOT BE COINCIDENCE!

Also, read your She Devil thing. Sounds like a hell of a bizarre telemovie. It was very wordy, but worked well once I got into it and the gist of the extremely surreal plot that you were deconstructing.

Wait, hang on - She Devil... is that the one where Tom Baker appears naked?

Youth of Australia said...

Funny, because that photo of Stuart MacGill is actually quite a bit like how I imagine Stevens to look, right down to the cold, dead eyes of a killer. THIS CANNOT BE COINCIDENCE!
Funny, I visualize him more and more as Excelsior from "The Last".

Also, read your She Devil thing. Sounds like a hell of a bizarre telemovie. It was very wordy, but worked well once I got into it and the gist of the extremely surreal plot that you were deconstructing.
It's by turns funny, terrifying, heart-warming and depressing. Ruth's monologues only work because she's a good actress...

"I hate you Mary Fisher. I hope all your books burn. I hope your tower falls into the sea. And, you know, you get thrush or something. RAH! I'M A SHE DEVIL!"

Wait, hang on - She Devil... is that the one where Tom Baker appears naked?

In story terms, yes, but you don't see him butt naked or anything. You do get to see his frankly terrifying ability to drone in perfect Latin while looking bored and/or depressed.

He plays a rather tragic character, Father Fergus, who's gone off his faith and regularly starves himself in guilt at all the suffering in the world he can't do a damn thing about. Said She Devil uses her evil wiles on him (it's rather silly, her eyes glow red and there's a stock "bewitching" effect - she does this to lots of people, but Tom Baker just downs a bottle of wine and repeatedly headbuts the table, before continuing the conversation. Yes, seriously).

Anyway, she convinces him that love - with its ability to make people mean and nasty - is the cause of all social woes, and emotionless sex is much better. He then seeks out Mary Fisher to stop her writing romance novels that "ruin the lives of thousands of women", and has her instead write an L.RonHubbard style bible-basher book instead with a rather good speech about "declaring a truce between good and evil".

After a few months of banging Mary Fisher and acting like Groucho Marx on acid (complete with glasses and cigar) he suddenly snaps out of it and, deeply disgusted with himself for being manipulated, storms out to face whatever punishment God has for him.

On a lighter note, just finished parodying The Shakespeare Code.

Youth of Australia said...

Interesting. I tried a google search of "Alan Stevens" "Doctor Who"... and got a photo of YOU. Mind you quite a few were refs to my blog...

Youth of Australia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jared Hansen said...

Hmmm, was that you who posted that deleted comment?

Oh, right, I hax0red to see that.. yeah, the comment count weirded me out. But it's fixed now. I think. And this will be a confusing looking message. Anyway, where were we...

Funny, I visualize him more and more as Excelsior from "The Last".

You visualise him as a character who was only appeared in an audio story? Or as the actress who plays her?

It's by turns funny, terrifying, heart-warming and depressing.

Is that a stamp of approval?

Ruth's monologues only work because she's a good actress...

"I hate you Mary Fisher. I hope all your books burn. I hope your tower falls into the sea. And, you know, you get thrush or something. RAH! I'M A SHE DEVIL!"



In story terms, yes, but you don't see him butt naked or anything.

Bah! That has long been the selling point of this show to fandom. All lies!

You do get to see his frankly terrifying ability to drone in perfect Latin while looking bored and/or depressed.

Yeah, but I could just go round to his house on any weeknight after he's cracked open a few bottles for that.

He plays a rather tragic character, Father Fergus, who's gone off his faith and regularly starves himself in guilt at all the suffering in the world he can't do a damn thing about. Said She Devil uses her evil wiles on him (it's rather silly, her eyes glow red and there's a stock "bewitching" effect - she does this to lots of people, but Tom Baker just downs a bottle of wine and repeatedly headbuts the table, before continuing the conversation. Yes, seriously).

You know, this does sound like something that I would enjoy.

He then seeks out Mary Fisher to stop her writing romance novels that "ruin the lives of thousands of women", and has her instead write an L.RonHubbard style bible-basher book instead with a rather good speech about "declaring a truce between good and evil".


I guess that makes sense...

Wait, hang on... I guessed incorrectly.

On a lighter note, just finished parodying The Shakespeare Code.

Whoop, forgot I read that last night. Better go and check it out...

Interesting. I tried a google search of "Alan Stevens" "Doctor Who"... and got a photo of YOU.

Yeah, I've been living like the dude in Fight Club...

What picture, btw? I haven't posted that many..

Youth of Australia said...

Hmmm, was that you who posted that deleted comment?
Yeah, my bad.

You visualise him as a character who was only appeared in an audio story? Or as the actress who plays her?
I thinking more of an irritating psychotic convinced of their own genius while being proud of murdering people.

Is that a stamp of approval?
Depends on if you can cope with the sex scenes, I gues...

Bah! That has long been the selling point of this show to fandom. All lies!
Maybe my copy was edited. Who knows?

Yeah, but I could just go round to his house on any weeknight after he's cracked open a few bottles for that.
He's quite a cheerful guy in real life, you know. Well. That's what all the witnesses SAY anyway.

You know, this does sound like something that I would enjoy.
Heh.

I haven't even mentioned Stephen "Travis" Grief as the incredibly camp Hollywood plastic surgeon in a white leasure suit.

I guess that makes sense...
Wait, hang on... I guessed incorrectly.

I think that's the point, that he's so corrupted by the flesh he can justify any old rubbish as long as he gets a legover.

MARY FISHER: But you're a priest!
TOM BAKER: I'm still a man.
MARY FISHER: But... you're like a doctor!
TOM BAKER: You should hear doctor's confessions.

Whoop, forgot I read that last night. Better go and check it out...
Surprisingly difficult to do.

Yeah, I've been living like the dude in Fight Club...What picture, btw? I haven't posted that many..
Oh, that one you had in your blogger profile for a while.

Cameron Mason said...

The Tom Baker nude scene features in a rather racy version of The Canterbury Tales made in the 70s.

SBS has screened it.

Cameron