Edgbaston is rained out so badly it turns out that the 3rd test of this Ashes series will actually be decided entirely by Twitter! Hughes opened the salvo before the match even begun, with what many critics have described as an improper act - pre-empting CA's announcement.
Fuck. Fuck! FUUUUUCK! YOU ALL SUCK! I am going to kill the following people:
The Duke of York
Whoever's reading this right now
The last one's mum
Your fucking dog
Yeah, I mentioned Tim a few times. I know voodoo. I might even crank it up to sixteen times. Arsehole. - twitter/phillybillyhughman
Followed by another selection bombshell from Stuart Clark:
I told Nielsen if he didn't give me the new ball then I'd skull-fuck his wife. Now I'm carrying the drinks. Thank you, vodka. - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk
A shocking eleventh-hour injury:
lol, yez i tak eall of yous gayboys on, f uking HADDIN EL MAZRI, destr0y3r of worlds an sht, lol, i keep like atig er float like ben lee so what if i- AAHF(y028!o2- fuc, me fin ger! alwayz new fucking shift but on had it ina fpr me!!11! Aaaw fukk don fink i can type nemore... - twitter/Hadz0r_the_max0r detrax0r
With Brad Haddin out of the match, a new figure stepped into the breach.
I don't use Twitter. This is stupid. But I would like that green hat thank you. - twitter/Man'ou_Action!
The crucial toss:
who gives a toss - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
i do wanna make somethin of it. we win this, bitch. - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
lolz, nah mean who toss the coin 'n shit. I go heads by theway. - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
fuck off i go heads also it wasn't funny and i don't know. - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
your name is siriously gay - twitter/swaneeee
i like gay fuck you - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
yeah don't you follow the trends? gay is well cool now. thinking of dropping lara n a ditch, n fact. - twitter/theotherwhiteclarke
i called heads first. - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
thats true theres a time on the post n everything - twitter/theotherwhiteclarke
I agree with that, it is indeed true. - twitter/phillybillyhughman
shut up your not on the team. - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
we need to focus - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZUPPPPP! - twitter/watto1
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZUH!!! - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZUH! - twitter/theotherwhiteclarke
ffs - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
WAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUH! - twitter/midgemucka69
that is so old and gay i chrissen it liberace. lol at my def sweet lines. - twitter/swanee
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZUH!! - twitter/siddle_in_themiddle
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZUHHH! - twitter/MistahANDERson
et tu fuckwit? - twitter/swanee
WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAzzzuhhhhh[[[[[ j aaaaargh fuk yeuz me finga reeel canezz! lol at ti hs.!11!1 - twitter/Hadz0r_the_max0r detrax0r
Eventually it was decided that England had won the toss, seeing as the coin always lands heads up as proven by Dr Karl and Einstein, and so England elected to field first, given that Australia had more batsmen with accounts.
Disaster struky early, with a wicket falling in the very first over!
Okay, I've held me tongue because I assumed this was a retarded idea of Clarkey's and nothing more. But it seems you actually do want to play a test match through Twitter. Fine. Great. Now I KNOW you're all brain-damaged and I don't have to keep wondering. If you'll excuse me I'm going to get drunk by myself and sing the team song until 2 in the morning. Try and interrupt and I will kill you. You know this is true. - twitter/S(k)yKatz!
Fortunately the Australians showed solidarity and the besieged captain stepped into the breach
fuck off we don't need you. Clarkey, put the team chihuaha onto his keyboard. twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
slnkklb elhiale9toe.e - twitter/S(k)yKatz!
...maybe the wicket hadn't fallen. The rules aren't cut and dry in this version.
Katich did not make a convincing start. He was tormented by the unreal bounce and swing that Anderson gleaned from a dead pitch.
Let's look at this one, over th wicket, it's a loose cutter isn't it Katich, you let it go and what happens? Hang on, it's a fucking pearler, it comes back in - TWO WHOLE METRES! JUST missing off-stump! - twitter/mistahANDERson
jkblfa90pe; - twitter/S(k)yKatz!
Listen to that exclamation of terror, the feer at facing tha GREATEST BOWLER IN THE WORLD! I own you, Kat, like Tony Grieg owned so many slaves before me. - twitter/mistahANDERson
dude.. not meant to talk about that - twitter/swanee
Hey, come on Gray it was an earlier time. People will understand now.. - twitter/mistahANDERson
But it was Swann who got the break through
Ooh, yeah, look at this one, Kitty, it's breaking leg, but two feet outside off, that would be good for a cover drive, wouldn't it? You going to drive? Type something incoheren if you're going to drive. - twitter/swanee
li99yup; - twitter/S(k)yKatz!
he said up! That makes sense! - twitter/watto1
No, he goes for it! But it's dead straight! Slap into the pads! HOWZAT?!?!? - twitter/swanee
That is so out I'm giving him a tin of wax and a penny to do my car. - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk
WTF u doing, clarkey??!1/? - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
reading steve waugh's captain diaries and.. adjsuting my belt?/ - twitter/theotherwhiteclarke
no the other one!! - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
I'm umpiring the match, you pricks. And you're all out. One way or another. I'd evil laugh here if I knew how to type it. - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk
this isnt over u prick - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
O RLY???? ... again, if I knew how to do attachments here there'd be a funny picture of an owl here. - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk
itghiqaoplk - twitter/S(k)yKatz!
Get off the fucking field - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk
Watson made a strong stand, though, impressing everyone with his skill
WHHHHAPPPAYEOW! czech it, fuckers, that ball clipped a seraphim!1 -twitter/watto1
er... a what? - twitter/swanee
Seraphim. the highest chwoyer of angel in heaven. - twitter/watto1
Yeha? Maybe the.. highest choir of gayness. - twitter/swanee
No, that wuld totally be your patio - twitter/watto1
ha he totally got you therem graybags! that one counts as a six. - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting
a six? maybe a six out of six for... for.... gayness? - twitter/swanee
Not, that would be your own score. - twitter/watto1
damnit! Teh hits keep coming! I'm melting! MEEEEELTING! - twitter/swanee
wtf you still playing that? - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
..yeh, where you? - twitter/swanee
pub - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
pub? - twitter/swanee
pub - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
pub - twitter/mistahANDERson
pub! ... pubs are gay - twitter/swanee
fuck off you horse-toothed price im not followin u anywmore! - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! - twitter/swanee
Unfortunately, shortly after this point the rain stopped and so the world's first ever Test Twitter Match is in serious danger of being sunned out before a result can be decided. People all over England are praying for just a couple more days of rain...