Sunday, August 9, 2009

Ashes 4th Test: Three-Pronged Analysis

EGO: Clark there, conceding 16 from the one over. As much as he conceded all day yesterday. And yesterday's bowling was absolutely shit to begin with. What do you have to say to this one, Id?

ID: Kill.

EGO: Kill what?

ID: Doesn't matter. Something has to die. Preferrably someone. With lots of blood.

EGO: I see. Well, it's still looking like an Australia victory-

ID: No.

EGO: No? They're over a 100 runs in front.

ID: Let me introduce the concept of nomenclature to your arse, luckily for you in the less violent possibility - a VICTORY is impressive. This will be a win.

SUPEREGO: He has a point there. Field Marshall Wellington famously carried the day of the Battle of Fuente d'Onoro in 1812, but yet when he listed his victories-

ID: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

EGO: Even so, the point stands that from your viewpoint, the most desirable outcome is also the most likely here.

ID: You know what my most desirable outcome is? Some fucking Munich Olympics action here. Right on the oval. I don't care which side - the fuckers in blue have no right to bat like this and the fuckers in green have no right to bowl like this. BRING ON THE RED!!!

EGO: Some people would say that calling for homicide of everyone on the field would be somewhat overboard.

ID: When did I say just on the field?

SUPEREGO: I would be one of those people, Ego. At the same time I won't say that the death penalty shouldn't be administered, but if it is it should be with the full backing of the International Cricket Club.

ID: Seriously, while you're there a few pop shots in the change room wouldn't go astray, hypothetical terrorist gunmen..

EGO: The ICC should decide who is executed? Doesn't international law come into this?

SUPEREGO: They're cricketers. They knew what they were getting into.

ID: A bit of rape never goes astray, either.

(Silence)

ID: Hey, I'm an Id! What do you expect? Think you're better than me, without your sex drives?

SUPEREGO: The evidence does seem to follow that line of thinking through. After all I'm unable to express myself when debating in such clear terms-

ID: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

SUPEREGO: -that I'm very able to provoke a -

ID: I SAID-

SUPEREGO: -response. QED.

ID: I'll cue your e.d, prick.

EGO: Going back to the game, Id -

ID: Do you want to know my top ten of players to be killed? Because I drew it up while you were talking.

EGO: No, I was hoping more for an elaboration on your desire for sanctioned/unsanctioned homicide today. Australia are well in the lead. It is unlikely England have any chance of winning the game - assuming they work off the lead they'll still have some hardwork to build a score up that is greater than the smallest figure Australia have ever been dismissed for and even then failure is near certainly a given. In comparison, Australia need 3 wickets to win the match. There simply doesn't seem any reason for death at this early stage.

ID: Well, firstly I would like to draw your attention to the fact I am mostly made up of a combination of socially unhealthy urges and mindless rage, which will colour most of my opinions the colour of VIRGIN BLOOD.

EGO: Noted.

ID: But, the most important fact is that Australia have failed to capitalise massively.

SUPEREGO: How do you quantify massive?

ID: Huge is the size of my dick. Massive is eight times that.

SUPEREGO: That's well less than a foot - doesn't seem like a shortcoming.

ID: Oh ha ha.

SUPEREGO: I fail to see humour in precision math-

ID: SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Anyway, you go in with a 350-run lead, setting them up for THE LARGEST HOME DEFEAT IN HISTORY you need to capitalise. Today, all bowling has been uniformly terrible, they're a long way ahead of that. It just isn't a test match win if the momentum is swinging their way when the axe is meant to come down.

EGO: Momentum doesn't equal a win.

SUPEREGO: Not even by the equations Einstein drew up for his Theory of Everything. Oh, how the mescaline flowed that Summer..

ID: You're thinking short term! If we know one thing about the Poms - and we don't, because we know they're thick-witted, stoic, depressing, the most negative people on Earth, relentlessly arrogant yet self deprecating and generally walking domino piles of mother issues and complete self delusion covered in mid-life crises from the day they are forcefully ejected from the womb... with the exception of maybe one or two quite nice ones we know online (Hullo Miles!) - it's that they take little things to heart so easily, because they lead empty lives as every independent film they've ever made tells us. Fuck I hate the Full Monty.

SUPEREGO: Robert Carlyle is brilliant.

EGO: So, you're saying just as they treat a Draw as a Win, this defeat will not actually register as a loss in emotional terms.

ID: No. I'm saying YOU FUCKED IT UP AUSSIES! You grabbed the bull by the horns and raped it's arse off - and made me jealous! Dear god I'm horny.

SUPEREGO: That much is visible.

EGO: Yes, please, it IS hot in this commentary box - but not that hot.

ID: Hey, I'm an ID okay? You have a problem with it then don't ask me on. You're lucky I'm wearing pants at all.

SUPEREGO: As we have established, you currently are not.

ID: Okay, then you're NOT lucky are you? Go cry into your soy bran, you fags, because if you take it any further I might just stab out your lucky charms.

EGO: Now, Stuart Clark was the bowler you insisted had to be on the side for, well, months.

ID: Yes.

EGO: He is on the side now, he took three wickets for seven runs in seven overs in the first innings a remarkable score even for the mighty Jimmy the Blind Solid Silver Bitch Stockopopolis III who, among many other things in his colourful career, discovered Clark as an orphaned infant on the outskirts of Sydney uni whilst in his wolf form and suckled him to the age of two whereupon he reverted to human form and acted as his bowling coach -

ID: And you won't read THAT in Wisden!

EGO: - at the time your words were, and I quote, "Holy shit I orgasmed a shotgun shell watching that crazy shit, will he be my life partner willingly and if the answer is no are there any aphrodisiacs powerful enough to force the issue".

ID: I'm there was more swearing in there and at least one reference to Stalin.

SUPEREGO: I would again like to point out that yourself raping him for eternity seems to be an unfitting reward for quality bowling from his perspective - and also hinder his efforts to actually play regularly.

ID: Again, Id here. Higher thought functions not my strength. I concede you may have a point there, but it's irrelevant because for Clark the offer's OFF THE TABLE!

EGO: Yes, because this innings his economy rate has been up around five and he's still wicketless. As we said 16 off one over.

ID: He should never play again. Ever. If every other Australian test cricketer is stabbed by an angry fan, which is a high likelihood at this point, he should be forced to commit suicide with cyanide capsule just like Rommel.

SUPEREGO: ..you're following Hitler's example now?

ID: I'd argue that he followed mine in the first place, but this isn't the time or place. His bowling was of such quality to make me vomit in blind rage. If any of my doubtless many illegitimate offspring were to bowl like that in my presence I would get 1950s on their arses. I know I go hot/cold on a lot of players, but Stuey's left me so cold I think my balls have dropped off and a foot may need to be removed. Frostbite? Soon it'll be suspended animation. Ponting needs to take the initiative. Grab a double barreled shotgun and invite him round for a look at the currently deserted building site behind the members. Lunch break's coming up and there's no shortage of black armbands in the team kitbags it's a plan with no drawbacks and should get us back on track.

SUPEREGO: You are of course talking about murdering a man in cold blood.

ID: My blood only ever runs at boiling point, you fucking noob! God, always naysaying! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

EGO: We want your opinion-

ID: YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY OPINION! Son, we live in a world where we play games and those games' honour has to be protected by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Ego? I have a greater psychosis than you can possibly fathom! You weep for Clark and you curse the English! You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know! That Clark's death, while tragic, will probably save 50 runs! And my existence, while grotesque, and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! Whilst taking slightly more. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me in that crowd! You need me in that crowd! We use words like 'Fuck', 'wtf', 'fuuuuck', 'kill', 'death', 'everybodywillbedeaddave!' We use these words as the backbone of a life spent killing something. Or anything. You use them as a punchline! I have neither the time, nor the inclination, to explain myself to a man who writes and reads a blog using the motivation that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said 'lol', and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a rifle, and meet me at Kensington! Either way, I don't give a wooden fucksickle what you think you are entitled to!

EGO: Well I guess that clears it all up. Oh, and it looks like Stuart Broad has brought up his half century.

ID: Fuck this, TV GO BOOM!

SUPEREGO: Surely I don't need to point out we shouldn't allow him guns.

EGO: Well it's a bit late for that one...



(The basis of truth - I was psyched for tonight's play. Then the bowling was so bad I stopped watching. I. Stopped watching. The Ashes. It takes a bit for that to happen. We have almost certainly won the game, but I am currently dreading a freak loss... and I'm not brave enough to check CricInfo)

3 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

I haven't laughed so much or so loudly since your obituary extravaganza the other year. Truly and utterly brilliant in any way.

It was like a Goon Show episode with Peter Tuddenham playing Superego, Bill Bailey playing Ego and Mephisto as Id.

Or maybe just the adults-only installment of The Goodies.

Which I have actually seen. Yes, the episode never shown in Australia (and thus, by default, never shown anywhere else) from their very first series dealing with such child friendly topics as male prostitution, inflatable sex dolls, the sordid private life of Margaret Thatcher (played by Ms Slocombe what died the other week), cross dressing, lesbian orgies, group sex, male and female strippers, and forced intercourse between the Goodies and the non-consentual Margaret Thatcher.

My brain still aches at the scenes of this episode, back when they were all so young and innocent that even Bill didn't have a beard, featuring scenes of Tim ogling naked teenage girls in a shower - and don't think for a moment there's some kind of cunning use of distorting glass, steam or soap suds, ALL IS VISIBLE...

Oh yeah, and my dad wishes to tell you,

"the second last wicket was a lie and a steal on Australia's part."

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Phew. It's always a relief to know the reeeally weird ones get a good reception. Plus I like your casting.

Incidentally, while I wrote it I was thinking that, probably by accident, YOA seem to represent Freud's three structures quite neatly (Dave ego, Andrew super and Nigel the id, naturally..) But obviously not as overtly as this trio.

I've read about that episode, I'm sure, but Robert Ross' book doesn't have that much to say about it - assuming that it's the one where the lads get dressed up in wolf outfits as the male equivalent of the bunny girls. It definitely sounds interesting viewing. Many laughs to be had?

Oh yeah, and my dad wishes to tell you,

"the second last wicket was a lie and a steal on Australia's part."


He's probably right. I never saw it, though. We stole the last one in the first innings as well - as the commentators have pointed out, though, the umpires don't put much thought into giving the tail-end batsmen out.

Youth of Australia said...

Phew. It's always a relief to know the reeeally weird ones get a good reception. Plus I like your casting.
You know Chris Hale has actually MET Mephisto? Well, the dude who plays him. If it was the real Mephisto, Chris would probably be dead.

Incidentally, while I wrote it I was thinking that, probably by accident, YOA seem to represent Freud's three structures quite neatly (Dave ego, Andrew super and Nigel the id, naturally..) But obviously not as overtly as this trio.
True, but I didn't want to say it as
a) it would come across as horribly self-aggrandizing 'Oh, this is funny, it's obviously my own genius being reflected'
b) it also most likely reveals deep dark parts of my own consciousness (like the way originally Andrew was just as "idfull" as Nigel, drinking, smoking, getting high and laid and not necessarily in that order... or the way the trio only really get on when they're indulging their appetites in unison...)

I've read about that episode, I'm sure, but Robert Ross' book doesn't have that much to say about it - assuming that it's the one where the lads get dressed up in wolf outfits as the male equivalent of the bunny girls.
Yeah. With the chastity belt padlock codpieces...

It definitely sounds interesting viewing. Many laughs to be had?
A few.

The trouble is, I think, a lot of the humor has aged rather badly - which is unusual for The Goodies, I think you'll agree. We're supposed to be laughing our heads off at women heckling male strippers, for example, or just the IDEA of agressive feminist shagging. It's supposed to be utterly ludicrous that when Bill and Graeme join, they have to put on leather underwear and dance in cages. One bit that fell COMPLETELY flat was the female cabaret comedian who did jokes like "my father in law's so fat..."

Plus, as it's their fourth ever ep, a lot of the humor is a bit... childish. If you know what I mean. Lots of them tripping over things and running in fast forward, or redecorating the office with cunning use of CSO.

But the actual humor at the Playgirl club's still pretty funny - why do all the hot chicks zero in on Graeme all the time? Probably the bit that made me laugh the funniest was when, five minutes after entering the club, Tim's ended up showering with all the girls, then cuts away:

Graeme: Tim's been in there a while, hasn't he?
Bill: Yeah. Three months.

He's probably right. I never saw it, though. We stole the last one in the first innings as well - as the commentators have pointed out, though, the umpires don't put much thought into giving the tail-end batsmen out.
Hah! They don't put much thought into ANYTHING!!