Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Internet is for Porn!

Ahh, Ninemsn, your redneck journalism just rakes in the gold, doesn't it? Is there any outrage in the house?

A German heavy metal band popular with teenagers has caused outrage with the video clip to their latest single showing the musicians taking part in graphic hardcore pornography.

Firstly, the band in question is Rammstein. As to myself and many people I know, we would regard the following words as questionable: 'heavy', 'popular', and 'teenagers'. Sure, Rammstein was a bit of niche thing with guys in my year at High School and the next couple of years below but, hey, according to my calendar/driver's license, we aren't teenagers any more. Ignore that fact, though, as otherwise the key scaremongering point of the article will be ruined.

Also, 'graphic' and 'hardcore' are very relative terms, aren't they? Especially when used in this context. Oh, my dear internet the sights you have shown me. Let this be said, and you can quote me on this: if the video does not clearly show cock than I shall be severely disappointed.


The video for Rammstein's song "Pussy" shows the band members engaging in a variety of sexual acts with women, interspersed with shots of the group performing and waving the German flag.

Well, they ARE German. What did you expect?


While the band have not shown the video on their website, they link to a pornographic site where the clip can be watched.

Yes.. thus leaving the choice to the user.


Aside from a warning of "nudity and sex scenes" on the webpage, there is no control to prevent teenagers — who make up a large portion of Rammstein's audience — from viewing the video.

Newsflash of the century: that is all the control that exists to prevent anyone from going to any website. If they click ENTER (18+) or choose to lie and say they were born in 1901 from a drop down menu before pressing okay it means the exact same amount of effort. What can they do - install a plug-in that carbon dates your frigging retina??

And heaven forbid that teenagers should see porn. Why, if it wasn't for Rammstein showing them the way they'd never cotton onto the lark...


Adolescent psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg said there was little difference between the video and the usual pornography available on the internet.

Or the usual pornography available on pop-up ads on nerdy sites, for fuck's sake. The internet and porn are so intrinsically linked I'm clueless as to why this is deemed worthy of an article. Hell, music videos and porn. I've got a clearer idea of Rihanna's lady bits than those of my former girlfriend.


"It highlights the need for parents to do three things: one is to make sure kids have the computers in a public place, have an online filter, and have parents monitor what their kids do online," he said.

"Also, please ignore the fact that I've only just given one thing"


"The best monitoring of all is shoulder-surfing, so regularly checking what kids are looking at online."

On this topic... I've heard the phrase 'parent over shoulder' before. Who the fuck does this? I guess if your kid is, like, eleven or under, in which case I would barely let them surf the internet but I can understand entirely. My parents have never gazed over my shoulder, apart from the occassional unsubtle way of hinting they want the computer. They really couldn't care less. The only word I've had on the matter is "Look at... 'that stuff' if you want but not on my machine" from my slightly embarassed mother after seeing Windows Media Guide throw up a picture of Beyonce in a completely non-revealing dress.

Incidentally, LAN cables are brilliant.

When my hypothetical, probably never-will-exist boy comes of age, (ie 12-13) he gets his own comp with broadband hook-up and I give him the Peter Parker speech. "Son, with this great power comes great responsibility. From now on, whatever you want you shall find in the space of five seconds. If you want Battlestar Galactica Vodcasts, they are yours. If you want .pdf back-issues of The Phantom, they are yours. If you want the entire Doug Anthony All-Stars, they are yours. If you want their discography, then that can also be yours. If you want to pay for music, that is also an option but please do not shame me with that knowledge. And, of course, if you want to find women coupling with eels it will take no effort at all. Btw, you find any really hot clips put them in the shared folder for me.."

Yes, I am left-wing and kind of weird. This has been established!


But heavy metal and sex have always gone hand in hand, according to QUT professor and author of The Porn Report Alan McKee.

"It's explicit pornography but it's a generic hybrid, so it's pornography but also a music video," he said.

"It would be X-rated if it were released on DVD in Australia."


Which incidentally means that the DVD would be illegal in all states (but not the territories) because are laws are quite draconian. Assuming that the video does not include 'golden shower(s), application of candle wax, spanking, or fisting' as the OFLC says, in which case NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD EVER WATCH IT LEST THE DEMON SPAWN DEVOUR THEIR SOUL!!!!

Seriously, spanking? How come Britney Spears videos are legal?


Professor McKee said the video was "juvenile, lowbrow and obsessed with sex, but that's not a bad thing".

Thank you for that vindication, sir!


At the tail of the article is a quote that amazes me, for the umpteenth time, that you can be a journalist in this country whilst doing considerably less research than I do by myself purely out of curiosity..

The clip is directed by Swedish filmmaker Jonas Akerlund, who has made videos for hit songs like "Beautiful Day" by U2, "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga and "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera.

Akerlund had previously attracted controversy for the video he made for The Prodigy song "Smack My Bitch Up" with allegations it promoted violence against women.


No! The song was controversial for supposedly promoting violence against women - of course, it's the prodigy who needed a catchy phrase to loop endlessly over techno beats and just decided to go with "Smack my bitch up - wah!".

The video was controversial for containing nudity, vomiting, excessive drinking, violence (strictly against men) and a sex scene with a prostitute purely from the first person. The irony was that most reporters decried the video as massively misogynistic, depicting women as sex objects for men to fight over and conquer, which just ended up proving that they hadn't watched the entire clip as the very last second shows the protagonist looking at a mirror, which reveals to the audience that it was actually a woman all along.

Seriously, Nick Pearson, MSN, do some fucking research.

5 comments:

Cameron Mason said...

You can find PDF files of The Phantom online???

WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS?????

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

I share Cameron's interest.

Frankly, the one time I tried to find Phantoms online I encountered a fandom that made Moopy look sophisticated and mature.

A brilliant speech to your unborn prodigy, there. Far cleverer than anything I've managed to blog today.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Sorry to disappoint you lads, but the Phantom thing was purely hypothetical on my part. Sorry about that.

That said, there are comic reading programs out there and a warez scene for them so I'm sure The Phantom's lurking somewhere in the cyberspace...

Youth of Australia said...

We can but hope...

Miles Reid said...

Call me back when you find a complete DVD rip of The Phantom 2040