Once again, I have waited too long. Knowing that the BBC had an avenue for open submissions I didn't put aside the time I should have to finish a script I was writing that was as damn close to anything I've ever written in the first place. Now submissions are open... for British residents only. If I ever get a script made it isn't going to be courtesy of them, and now it's looking unlikely that it's ever going to happen. I really could have done without another reason to feel like my life has been a misguided waste of time.
All I've ever wanted to do is work in a creative field. Nobody has ever wanted me to. Not my teachers, not my family, maybe one of my friends and the rest thought I was just a fucking weirdo. So nobody has ever given me any helpful advice and I've just been pushed along inevitably towards a completely beige and fucking boring existence in the lower-middle-class circle of hell. I've spent a couple of years smiling and lying through my teeth that I'll be happy in I.T, happy in a library - well I won't. Not least because I'll hate the work, but also because of the fact that I'm apparently unable to get any job in the first place.
Screw that, I can't even get a Tax File number. They give everyone in school one except me, and then everywhere I go that's meant to stock a form for them I can't even get one. Rejected by fate and the NSW state government alike.
I wasn't expecting this to affect me so much. But I feel like I'm writing an obituary for myself. I pinned hopes on writing a script good enough to sell. To getting contacts from there, moving to England where there's work and carving out a living. I didn't realise what a small brand of hope I was relying on from the offset, for what should be easily attainable for most people but for me was an outlandish and fantastical dream. You can bet Bob Holmes didn't dream of becoming a script editor for a saturday teatime sci-fi so he could die a day or so after a talentless hack told him he couldn't write for shit, but even to have the oppurtunity was all I've wanted in life and I haven't even realised it.
Hopefully the new Scrubs will cheer me up so I can go back to living my life in a disgusting and terrible state of denial.
Apologies, this was meant to be a funny post.
NB: Actually, writing that out was kind of like an exorcism. Just ten minutes later and I feel a lot better. Christ I'm a mercurial fucker.