Sunday, January 31, 2010

Jared Dreams your Dream for you - he KNOPFLER'D YO ASS!

Forgive me for the unprecedentedly baffling title, it made me laugh.

It seems that it's my turn to dream filmed media after bouts of far too much time spent in a sleepless state. Sadly, I'm not anywhere near as good a transcriber as my friend Ewen nor do I dream with an equal amount of clarity. What follows may be baffling, if my own reaction is anything to judge by.

The inspiration at least is clear, having just read Ewen's review of a film almost claiming to be a Blakes 7 sequel which would have possibly been more aptly titled "Nigel Verkoff vs The X-Men". Yes, that title also doesn't fit the story, but fits it better is all I'm saying. In fact, I started writing this in response to this very post but I could start to hear the text box groaning at the seams.

Anyway, last night part of the weird dreamscape I fell into (the only other bit I remember was it being revealed that the characters in Friends were all aliens impersonating humans which made the show suddenly cool) involved a REAL sequel to B7...

Essentially, I imagined my friends and I somehow making a BBV-style ultra-cheap but copyright-evading film called "Gauda Prime" with a weird split narrative structure. The "rebels" names were erased from the record, officially so they couldn't be martyred and are known only by fairly lame titles - The Leader (Avon, who I got to play because it was my dream), The Thief (Vila, obviously, who was played by YOU(Assuming that you are Ewen)) and The Gunslinger (These are kinda obvious, aren't they? She may have been my mate's cousin, not sure).

Details... were pretty vague. Each had a Pulp Fiction-style narrative that began with their name coming up with as a titlecard like Tarantino often does - I think Avon came first, as it would have been the first chronologically, and this was just my dream-consciousness plagiarising from that post-GP script Ewen started writing, where Avon wakes up in an abandoned missile silo-thing and is found by an enigmatically acting Vila and Soolin... except Vila and Soolin were replaced by Tarrant and Dayna... who turned out to be robots sent by Servalan. I'm not entirely sure if some kind of Logic of Empire stuff followed or not, but I'm sure it ended with Avon in a cell, laughing hysterically.

Soolin was doing the showgirl/hooker gig Ewen describes from a fic (I know, I'm so original!) and.. I don't know, kicked ass after that. The usual action girl stuff. Killed people while looking oh-so-sexy and buying herself a shuttle she could fly out of there.

More thought went into Vilas - he was after enough money to 'buy his own planet' as he had hinted at in the series and live out his days in luxury, putting it all behind him. When he gets involved in a planned raid on the mining facilities. Once again he's with a group of idealists out to fight the Federation (possibly a splinter cell left over from Blake's bounty hunters) but all he's got in his sights are the automated shuttle-containers that have the ore - hijack one of those and he'll be set for life.

Somehow Avon catches wind of this (the audience presumably wondering whether it's the real deal or a duplicate) and finds Vila in a pub. Vila is extremely sceptical that Avon would even be alive, but Avon manages to convince Vila he's the real deal (and presumably Vila would be the hardest person for him to convince). He goes over the details of Vila's plan, marking out positions with beer glasses, lamps, napkins, darts to the point Vila is getting a bit sick of it all. After carefully examining the pattern, Avon asks if Vila's intel is reliable. Vila says it's fool proof before giving Avon a datapad to check for himself.

Avon agrees, before pulling a complete SHERLOCK HOLMES on VR's ass, when he points out that the containers of ore head in to the facility and empty ones come out. The only conclusion to reach is that the area has been mined out and somebody in the Federation is 'seeding' it. (This is a plot twist I believe is stolen from the Dudley Doright movie - now there's embarassment for you)

This plot twists reveals... erm, not much because I remember very little after that. Avon does his trademark unnerving smile and tells Vila not to expect anything to be straight-forward. During the raid the genuine rebels discover ...erm... bad stuff in the secret facilites that have been hidden in the bogus mines. Possibly a next step of evolution in the Mutoids that Servi is planning to use in a coup to take the Presidency once again... or defeat the Helot resistance, could go either way.

Predictably it all goes badly, but Vila does get his container shuttle full of ore. More predictably, this turns out to be not so good. Upon course deviation a signal to the Federation orbit station has been sent, and it can only be de-activated from the inside. The lock system is one that Vila, to his disbelief, has never seen before. And what's more, he suspects that it's booby-rigged with an explosive device that will kill him instantly and render it sealed. At this point Avon does an appear-out-of-nowhere routine and bluntly tells his friend to stop expositing to thin air.

Avon pulls out a Giger counter and reveals that the material inside is extremely radioactive - whatever it isn't, this isn't what Vila wants. He calmly points out, though, that with a lethally radioactive payload and an ignition system, they've got the makings of a fine bomb on their hands. All they need is a target. Cue unnerving smile.

Obviously this is followed by a narrative strand entitled "The Commissioner" focusing on Servalan, now calling herself something else again, that ties everything together and explains just what the fuck Servi is up to, what Avon is up to, what happened to Soolin and how all the threads come together into an ending that justifies audience perserverance, presumably killing off Servalan once and for all and thematically capping off the entire series that inspired the idea.

Unfortunately my dream self decided to leave the theatre at this point and watch some porn on his laptop. Sorry about that.

Anyway, is the vaguely-proposed film above "Gauda Prime" better at least than "Recon 2023: The Guada Prime Conspiracy"? You tell me!

6 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Yes. Yes it is.

I like some of the ideas a lot (others I think it fair to say cannot be judged), in particular the Black Books style scene in the pub where Avon maps out the plan, or the (I'm pretty certain) completely original idea of a lock Vila cannot pick. At all.

It's better than any PGP I've struggled to come up with which are usually a desperate attempt to restore as much of the status quo as possible.

I got a bit worried with Avon and Vila stuck in the radioactive shuttle thingamajig, and assume they perish some disturbing suicide pact, Thelma and Louise style, only instead of plunging into a crevasse they splatterate Servalan on the way.

And Soolin's hooker tactic isn't exactly an unreasonable idea. Hell, she was an 8 when the bad shit went down on GP. It's probably best not ask what an 8-year-old girl had to do on a planet of pyschotic criminals to stay alive...

In the meantime, a snippet of some scenes that should have been in The End of Time...

After a brief pit stop in 18th Century France to spit on the grave of Madame du Pompadour, the Doctor hurtles back to 2010 to appear as chief prosecution witness in the trial of Lady Christina de Souza. Standing accused of sickening and degrading crimes that strikes at the very heart of Welsh society and everything considered decent and broadcastable, Christina promises to be Judge John Deed’s best friend and slave for life on the condition he lets her off with a warning.

Her attempts to convince the court that she is "only 14 years old" and requests for the judge to "make her his ward, bring her up as his own and in time they will learn to love each other" aren’t any more useful than her cries of, "I am an emaciated waif, cruelly used and abused by all those young men who the police claim I fucked senseless to boost my own criminal career!"

Alas, Christina does herself no good service with her spineless groveling and is found guilty. Worse, thanks to the Criminal-Evidence-Anti-Alien-Terrorism-UNIT-Can-Do-What-It-Bloody-Well-Likes legislation passed by the latest Prime Minister, Christina is sentenced to be executed by either firing squad, hanging, beheading or ritual slaughter by druids (depending on what the Welsh Justice System thanks to the Global Financial Crisis).

The Doctor laughs cruelly as Christina is dragged out screaming, "It’s the Doctor, Your Honour! HE made me steal all those things! I MEANT NO HARM! Oh you bloody Time Lord do-gooder..."

Not waiting to see the lady thief hang - but don’t worry, faithful viewers, we get to see it all in glorious technicolour – the Doctor’s off to his next target: Jenny Who, his own daughter, who is right at this second enjoying herself at the Vulgar End of Time.

Using a stolen Vortex Manipulator, Jenny has toured the dying cosmos and found a wild rave party hosted by Jherek Carnelian, a party animal who makes Caligula look like John Major. And, in the final seconds of creation before events timeloop or whatever the hell it is Michael Moorecock goes on and on about, Jenny and Jherek are heavy petting on the palatial verandah when a familiar figure in a long brown coat arrives via battered blue police box.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LITTLE GIRL?!" the Doctor roars.

"DADDY!" Jenny squeals.

"DON’T YOU 'DADDY' ME, YOU GENETIC ANOMALOUS LITTLE TRAMP!" he shouts, turning to X. "You PERVERT! You realize when she said she was over sixteen, she meant MONTHS! First word JAIL! Second word BAIT!!"

He turns and storm off into the TARDIS, dematerializing.

Even for Jherek Carnelian, this is quite a passion killer and he heads off for an orgy with his own mother in order to calm down, leaving Jenny in her underwear at the End of Creation, extremely embarrassed and even MORE sexually frustrated.

"Ah, jings," Jenny sighs, annoyed.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yes. Yes it is.

Well that's reassuring.

I like some of the ideas a lot (others I think it fair to say cannot be judged)

Aye, it's very very vague.

It's better than any PGP I've struggled to come up with which are usually a desperate attempt to restore as much of the status quo as possible.

Oh, really? Huh. I was thinking of the 'last blaze of glory that'll at least get rid of Servalan and make this galaxy that bit less horrible' before they go their separate ways. I guess I wasn't weaned on the show as you were so don't get the nostalgia kick.

I got a bit worried with Avon and Vila stuck in the radioactive shuttle thingamajig, and assume they perish some disturbing suicide pact,

..I actually didn't imagine them stuck inside. Just unable to get to the cargo. But that would make it kind of cooler..

And Soolin's hooker tactic isn't exactly an unreasonable idea.

Well no. That's why I pinched it.

Christina promises to be Judge John Deed’s best friend and slave for life on the condition he lets her off with a warning.

Lol. Love it.

You realize when she said she was over sixteen, she meant MONTHS! First word JAIL! Second word BAIT!!"

Lmao. Reminds me of a certain GB convo we had recently..

That's right, we didn't actually get a Jenny scene did we? Oh, right the Doctor thought she was dead. Anyway, great stuff as per usual!

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, really? Huh. I was thinking of the 'last blaze of glory that'll at least get rid of Servalan and make this galaxy that bit less horrible' before they go their separate ways. I guess I wasn't weaned on the show as you were so don't get the nostalgia kick.
Maybe. But I always felt that at the end the Federation was far bigger a threat than Servalan, turning people into zombies and that. Of course, it's because 9/10 times she was completely surplus to requirements anyway...

..I actually didn't imagine them stuck inside. Just unable to get to the cargo. But that would make it kind of cooler..
A different twist on Orbit, really...

Lol. Love it. That's right, we didn't actually get a Jenny scene did we? Oh, right the Doctor thought she was dead. Anyway, great stuff as per usual!
Thanks. Just been tinkering with it and now I present, the Tenth Doctor's death scene...


"Time to turn myself up to Eleven," he sighs, and stumbles through the police box doors into the TARDIS control room one last time. "At least I’ll leave a beautiful corpse... oh, wait. No, I won’t. Aw, JINGS!"

Suddenly, the Doctor’s eyes blaze yellow-white, a glow that sweeps out over his face, burning his skin away like paper on fire, disintegrating into red ash, leaving a featureless white humanoid shape dressed in a snappy pinstripe suit and trainers, and then the light is sucked back into the face, leaving behind a being that resembles the freakish offspring of Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant.

"What a rush," the new Doctor gasps. "Let’s do that again!"

And at that exact moment, on a hidden planet known as the Irth, on a golden beach in the paradise K9 Cove, a naked clone of the Tenth Doctor sits bolt upright and screams.

"AH! JINGS! What the fuck happened there? Was that a heart attack or just, I dunno, some cosmic angst? It was like fire in my arteries and lungs... Hang on a sec... I remember what that distinctive sensation could be..."

"What?!" demands the nude blonde girl who has been riding him hard and wet on the sand throughout this disturbing episode.

"I guess I’m the only one with this face now," muses the clone. "The other me, that reckless tosser just bought the big one. Probably got hit on the head with a radioactive piano or something. So. Uh... you think we should have a minute’s silence or something?"

"We could. OR we could continue to make out on the beach like prepubescent rabbits as a mark of respect, showing that there’s another Doctor out there, getting his end away with me like he was always meant to?" suggests Rose Tyler with a shrug.

"Or. At a pinch. We could do just that," he concedes.

And so they do.

The End.

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演唱會 said...

人生的價值以及他的快樂,都在於他有能力看重自己的生存........................................

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