Monday, January 4, 2010

Jared Reviews "The End of Time"

I've gone back to my thing where I just write in a wordpad file when a thought comes to me. As such this is more a collection of snarky comments than a real review. At the moment I'm not entirely sure what my opinion is, so it's probably just as well. Also this contains an abandoned running gag about Australian hip-hop in addition to the usual unnecessary profanity.

Holy shit, Bernard Cribbins finally gets a massive block capital "AND BERNARD CRIBBINS!" just like I joked about some time last year. This is a little surreal, especially with the raft of guest stars in this story that I have heard about.

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In case anybody was in doubt that The Time Lord Victorious is a complete arsehole he shows up on Oodsphere and immediately details the missing adventure gap to prevent BF or anyone else running away with that time and brags about how he went back to pop Queen Elizabeth's cherry for shits and giggles.

It's a little bit difficult to believe that there would be no royal history of Queen Elizabeth getting married. Seeing as she's fairly famous for NOT doing that. But then I guess we could be in parallel universeland right now...

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"Last time I was here you said that my song would be ending soon... and I'm in no hurry for that." A remarkably un-Doctorly thing to be saying, as he has traditionally espoused sacrifice and certainly didn't take similar stances in Planet of the Spiders or Logopolis - both those cases were his fault and his 'death' rectified them, yes, but the suggestion definitely is that this is the case here. Another sign of Time Lord Victorious' egocentric attitude?

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Jesus Christ "I... locked it like a car. That's funny." The act of explaining the joke excruciatingly to a non-reaction from a bit character is giving me flashbacks to The Love Guru, although Ten isn't laughing hysterically at the time helps it. Maybe the fact that Sigma lives on a planet where there apparently aren't cars could be the problem, you 21st century centric prat?

I may be seeing shadows at every corner, but to me this seems like ANOTHER mark of Time Lord Victorious (I'll call him TLV from hereon in, eh?) trying to charm his way through in a forced and stilted manner. Possibly also a mark of this being the CHRISTMAS SPECIAL which comes with a contractual level of jollility expected.

I like just how pissed off they were able to make Sigma look in response, though.

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Like the Ood city. Wouldn't mind a story set in an alien place like that, but budgetary reasons could still be preventing it. Should be grateful for brief miniature shots eh?

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"Something has accelerated your species far beyond the normal" It's a weird assessment to make so quickly. 100 years is a long time, and they had a culture of their own prior to their enslavement. With the three parts of the brain united you'd think the Ood would have a lot of racial memories restored, and the union between them would mean that they would naturally evolve faster than humans - afterall, they would share roughly 60% of all knowledge that there is in their world between all of them. That and the humans left a lot of high technology gear behind. TLV's being a disingenuous prick!

Sorry, this episode probably should be watched two-thirds sloshed with two kilos of turkey sitting uneasily. I'd probably have let that past in that state.

But... come on, travel back to Federation, go to Edmund Barton and say "Hey! Comb-over! I can phone a motherfucker in Mongolia and it will cost me 5 of your pence once you adjust for inflation, I can get a photo of your house in ten seconds with my ADSL3, with enough money I can buy me a holiday IN FUCKING SPACE and I can look at girl's ankles ALL DAY LONG!" Okay, that's asking a lot on my part. But assuming he isn't confused or violent, he might himself say "That's impossible - evil powers are affecting humankind's evolution!" if he was very good at interpreting this sort of needlessly confrontational dialogue - and he would be wrong.

OR WOULD HE????

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If that last piece was especially erratic it was halfway through writing that that I had dinner, and when I came back I had a quick round of Shane Warne Cricket 96 and listened to Moby for a while.

...what? I'm only five minutes into this thing???

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Hang on, the Doctor talks about Sigma reaching back into 'the 21st century' - wasn't WoM set in the 22nd? .. nope, stand corrected there. Just checked the .avi.

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The Ood oracle doesn't sound alien enough to me. Okay, he's got his own voice but he sounds just like... a guy. Which makes it look uncomfortably like a guy in a latex alien head. Also, I thought that the natural born Ood didn't really have the power of speech, communicating through song instead. Sigma definitely did the talking in the last story..

Mind you, given my track record there's going to be a piece of dialogue explaining these complaints away any second..

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It's somehow a funny notion that everyone in the Universe should be freaked out so badly by some garishly-lit footage of the Master laughing in a somewhat camp manner. Reminds m of Pertwee's nightmare in The Time Monster.

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"Doctor.. you gotta do one thing for us... get... Friar Tuck."
"FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAR TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"

..it's a Simpsons reference. It's funny. Because... yeah, Simpsons... Doctor Who... funny? No?

...that was a throwback gag. Throwback? Because.. never mind.

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I usually hate those touches, but I'm actually glad they dubbed the Doctor saying "The Master's wife" over the footage of Lucy Saxon because I really had no idea who it was. Especially since I was expecting either Donna or Martha for some reason.

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Oh, kay, NOW we're in the type of recap I hate... erm, wow complete with some extremely jaunty jazz clarinet work by Murray Gold. Man, you always get me before I make any statement like "Murray hasn't put a foot wrong for a couple of years, has he?" That was damned surreal. Reminds me of Death to the Daleks... am I going to be reminded of a lot of old episodes here?

LMAO at the seamless transition between "I held him in my arms, I burnt his body!" because it sounds like the Doctor's about to say "Just to make SURE the motherfucker was dead!"

*

Okay so ... it was just some random that picked up the Master's ring. Because the Doctor was not burning his body on Whatever the Last Planet in the Universe Was Called as most of us thought but just in some random quarry in the UK. Leaving the obvious question of... is this guy a fucking idiot or what? No, the Master won't return from certain death. He's only done that... let's see... The Deadly Assassin, The Keeper of Traken, Castrovalva, Planet of Fire, The Mark of the Rani, Survival, Doctor Who: The Movie / The Enemy Within and Utopida (surviving the BLOODY TIME WAR). Oh, let's throw in The War Games as well (cos it's him) but let's leave comics and novels out of this. So that's nine times previously. Do bear in mind that two of those involved stealing the bodies of nearby people.

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"Events that have happened... are happening now..."

"Yeah... like... we're all happening. And we all have happened. So... it's us."

"Whoa... totally deep, man..."

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There is no aerodynamic reason to suppose that gritting your teeth harder will allow you to run faster.

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..the Doctor unlocked his TARDIS remotely? So it wasn't just a joke? How did he upgrade his TARDIS in that way in the gap between stories? He seriously spent a large amount of time building a new security system that would allow him to remotely unlock his TARDIS like some fucking prat yuppie? Could THIS be the anti-capitalist message that Mad Larry has been yearning for - TLV's pigheaded interest in decadent extras for his 'ride' is responsible for the downfall of the entire Universe as he ignores the clear and imminent danger? It's practically Ben Eltonian...

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Lucy Saxon seems to be imprisoned somewhere in Medieaval times, seeing as the governor's office looks like an ossuary and is illuminated by candlelight...

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So she kissed him a few times three years ago and the 'biometric signature' is still on her lips? Okay, hard(ish) to argue as I don't think anybody's written papers on the transference of biometric signatures through oral contact between hominid inter-planetary relations, but seems a little far-fetched. I mean I kind of bought the one involving Martha because that was only a few minutes after the fact...

Also, the longer this scene goes the more it feels like "Hardcore Lesbian Basement Coven 6". And I should know, having watched the original.

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Good to see no directors asked John Simms to tone his performance down. Either that or they did and we're seeing him do a Richard Briers..

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Okay... what? The guard just happens to be a secret agent of the Anti-Secret Book of Saxon League.. I'm betting whatever McGuffin Lucy has just pulled out is completely useless and the Master put it in the Book of Saxon as a laugh.

Hmm.. might have called that one slightly wrong..

*

Meanwhile, Friar Tuck calls Christmas off because it's a load of Pagan bullshit and Jesus was born in July.

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Fascinating - the way Wilf shouted his lines to a completely unresponsive house suggests to me they didn't want to infect the series with any more Sylvia Noble than was necessary. Let's hope I'm right.

And thanks to popular demand even more Cribbins dancing! Will he go on to do some encore performances of his memorable spoon-selling days?

Man, some real Dad's Army stuff shaping up here. I wonder if Arthur Lowe's still alive to make a cameo...

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LMAO! A dude drops out of the sky behind you, specifically a freaky Aryan-looking bloke in a blackie hoodie with his angry face on, and you smile and say "Somebody's lively on his feet!" Probably the funniest moment of the year.

For unrelated reasons I am watching the rest of this scene at least with Hilltop Hoods' The Hard Road (Restrung) playing in the background.

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Is the idea that these two blokes are of the recently homeless? Knowing RTD it could well be, and that could be the reason for their vague awareness of politics and the economy. Just otherwise I can't see a pair of homeless guys running away in terror at the sight of a dude who is just crazy - in their positions the amount of mentally unbalanced people you'd encounter would be very high and they'd learn a number of ways to humour, disarm, charm and evade them without alarming them. These two guys basically scream "FUCK THIS!" and tail it. Which, incidentally, would have made more sense at the stage when he DROPPED OUT OF THE SKY behind them.

...

Okay, when he starts talking like The Karkus and transforming into Geoffrey Beavers it makes more sense to freak the fuck out. I like the way that this scary moment is being nicely underscored by Stopping All Stations.

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The revelation that the Master has eviscerated the lunch truck has to be one of the least alarming twists in the new series, but I guess it would have freaked some kids out. The superman performance afterwards does kind of go against the Master and the concept of him being a yang to the Doctor's ying with comparable powers, but I guess it isn't the first time that he's gone and gotten himself ridiculous superpowers.. because HE CAN.

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The Doctor arrives on the scene surprisingly quickly in terms of plot ... considering I don't know where the hell we are but I'm guessing that it's the site of the prison explosion for it to have relevance. Interesting that his arrival should be accompanied by Conversations from a Speakeasy (ft Omni).

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Hmm, clearly not the site of the prison. Could there be a deleted scene revealed later that fills in a gap?

I would have liked more moments in the Classic series such as the moment where the Master senses the Doctor's arrival and starts playing the beat of the drums on the nearest ..well, drum .. but so far the episode seems to be a little flounder-ish in terms of actual plot. I'm still just getting 'bad stuff is going to happen' in the real scheme of things, even if the chase scene was well shot.

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The Doctor is molested by geriatrics. There's no joke attached to that, but it didn't feel right to let it go unremarked upon.

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25:15 Man, I haven't seen dubbing that bad since Bladerunner. There is the slightest movement of Wilf's lips as he moves into the cafe, though apparently laughing and delivering a line at the time. And this is a closer mid-shot from the front! Is this a Chekhov's Gun moment for Wilf's powers of ventriloquism to save the day?

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Surely the Doctor never saw Wilf with the paintgun?

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Wait.. now there's ANOTHER reason that the Doctor and Wilf keep meeting? Christ, they've been fated once already! The Universe wants the two of them to shack up clearly. This is just like when Peter Davison was Doctor and the Time Lords kept setting him up on awkward dates to evil alien monsters.

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Donna Temple-Noble? There has to be a pun in there, surely?

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"He's making do."

"Aren't we all."

"Fuck you! You have a magical fucking time machine! Cry me a river you spiky-haired bug-eyed Scottish prick!"

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The scene seems a bit muddled - Wilf wanted the Silver Cloak to catch the Doctor so they could catch up and an off-chance of convincing the Doctor to make some effort to undo the somewhat contrived circumstances that left Donna as an abrasive human timebomb. Which I guess is understandable but doesn't entirely fit in with what he's done in the story so far - his primary worry did seem to be the Master.

If nothing else, though, I strongly support the fact that it's now effectively canon that Donna is Ten's favourite companion even if Rose was the one he wanted to boink.

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30:47 - Okay... overly portentous narrator who is telling me very little is apparently Robson Greene playing the Celestial Toymaker?

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Aaaaand the revelation that the Master is unable to hit an exceedingly slowly walking man with his newfound lightning powers at a range of twenty odd metres somehow does not make me fear him.

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Okay, what the fuck? The Master and the Doctor had homo-erotic day trips gambolling on his father's estate? They met at the Academy, and the suggestion is that they didn't know each other excessively well - the Doctor's certainly more familiar with Drax than the Master, doesn't even remember him (In his first incarnation) in The Five Doctors. Saward may have pissed in the salad with a suggestion that the two were brothers he chucked in for no reason, but I haven't seen that idea toyed with outside of fanfic, even in the EU and it doesn't bear up with anything else that we know about them. (Such as the Master not knowing who the Doctor's parents were in the TVM ... okay feel a backlash forming now, nevermind that argument...)

Aisde from that, a good scene, largely thanks to the performers - a bit odd that the Master says "All these years you thought I was mad!" referencing the drumming, which the Doctor learnt about for the first time not even two years ago. Okay, the Doctor thought he was mad at various times prior to that, but that wasn't what they were discussing. Wait, I turned negative again. A good scene, John Simm is very, very good, and the gimmick of the Master and Doctor working together doesn't seem able to ever get old. Well accompanied by Monster's Ball, as well. (Should I stop doing these jokes? Eh, I'll stop when the album stops...)

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Christ, even when he's about to die people can't shoot straight at the Doctor.

And.. he's grazed by a bullet for the six billionth time in his life.

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Aww, fuckit I just saw Sylvia in the background. I hope for the love of God it's just a stand-in and she has no dialogue.

Interesting that somebody gave Wilf a copy of Fighting the Future and Corrupt Figures of Authority With Guerilla Warfare by the mysterious Rairf Kcut. They sense the story arc is strong with this one...

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NOOOOOO! She speaks! Please no I prayed this day would never come!!!

She's saying something is lovely, though, which is unusual. I find it strange.

.. ah, there we go she's being a bitch in the same breath I KNEW IT!

*

Ah, Wilf, you soddled old staunch monarchist.

Hang about... seeing as Wilf is so keen on the Royal Family and Donna does seem to live in the same house, how is it possible she doesn't even know what Thin Lizzie looks like? I know RTD likes to have goes at the Royals at any oppurtunity but come on...

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"You never killed a man" I wonder how strict that definition is, seeing as Wilf is a former airman.. maybe I'm misremembering here but wasn't there the suggestion that he fought in The Battle of Britain?

Another nice touch to Wilf's personality that he is proud of this fact.

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42:05 - Wilf, use the Chekhov's gun to shoot Sylvia down! You're out of shot now, you can do it! It'll be just like Lindsay Duncan again - it can be pre-watershed!

She's your daughter? Yes... what's that got to do with it?

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"Well you're not leaving me with her!" "Fair enough"

w00t! Finally a signal that RTD recognizes what a tremendous noxious tart he has created..

Hehe, and "I thought it would be cleaner." There is a reason he is known in fandom as Wilfred "Made of Awesome" Mott...

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Okay... he needs to check some important equipment in the basement for some reason... he needs the hottest chick in the office to carry a clipboard for him to do so... right, I'm hoping this is a storyteller's double-bluff and these two are part of a resistance. Because otherwise, with this and Doomsday it looks a bit like alien interference in scientific installations leads to workers wanting to bang each other senseless ..

Ah, aliens themselves. Is cool. The actress looks familiar... very experimental music. Go from a jazz drum beat-y thing to some techno riffs when they transform..

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Wait.. is Rairf Kcut talking about Torchwood One, Two or Three? Sigh, why even bring them into it - hasn't this story got enough stuff in it to muddy continuity?

The Master ignores all this, though and asks for a slice of The Other Black Meat.

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Okay, Rairf Kcut is a complete nutter. Can he be so eager considering that the last project Saxon was involved with about immortality ended up with a Mark Gatiss-shaped scorpion trying to eat everything it found? Is he that ignorant of events in post-11th century Britain?

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"And don't swear."

Fuck you, Doctor! Did you ever smack down Ace and Benny when they were F-bombing you across the galaxy, you crukking funt?

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There is only one legal private army in the world, and it is the property of the Duke of Athol in Scotland... I know, doesn't really count as an error as such.

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Clearly these alien scientists aren't as clever as they think they are - she says the Master's 'triplicated' the whatsit doodalimatrices (I wasn't listening that hard) when triplicated ISN'T A FUCKING WORD. You 'treble' if you don't 'triple'. If you fall over in precisely the same way you did earlier you might 'triplicate'.

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"Now please don't imagine I'm a slave driver - because that would be well racist."

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Okay, my first guess is that the Master has EVIL-RIGGED this thing to kill whoever walks through it. That or the gateway is for invaders to come to Earth. Or, maybe both at once and whoever goes through is instantly posessed...

If Rairf Kcut is up to his old standards he will send the Master through first.

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Heee, Skeletor!

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On ya, Kcut, you know you can't trust him! But now I know he's second-guessed you (Because he's the motherfucking Master) and bad shit's about to go down..

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I am totally unconvinced by that totally unconvincing stand-in playing Barack Obama. Okay, it's from the back but is it too much to ask for a stand-in to have the same HAIRCUT as the guy he's meant to be, seeing as it's the ONLY THING we effectively see in the shot? Flight of the Conchords got a good Obama-lookalike!

I do like the way the US newsreader calls it a 'worldwide depression', demonstrating that Americans are complete tools with a lack of nomenclature. Aside from any who might be engaged to people who occassionally read this blog. (Hullo Miles!)

Maan, they've even got some sound-bites of him! This is becoming faintly less unconvincing..

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"At arms!" cries Rairf Kcut's Camp Butler and Sergeant-at-Arms in one, sounding as though he is a recently castrated thespian from Blackadder, causing me to giggle at him.

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Oh, so the Master uses the gateway to infect everyone with... Master-ism... I'm kinda liking where this plot is going. Just the right side of Unnecessary Epic Bigness thus far..

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LMAO at Wilf calmly pulling out his revolver by mistake when his phone's ringing. Incidentally, I am quite worried for old Wify here. Traditionally it has not been good for companions to get locked in glass tubes close to a cliffhanger...

Oh, yes, and Donna isn't infected because she's half Time Lord! Clever throwback, RTD!

Meanwhile emos are revealed to have especially low Masterism tolerance..

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Erm.. okay. Wow. I take back all of compliments. The entire planet is going to Innerspace into John Simms. Fuck this.

*

Yes. He's EVERYONE. I get it. Stretch this out for two minutes, will you? Am I going to see some John Simms snowboarding off the Opera House any moment? A John Simms pissing on the Taj Mahal, a John Simms abseiling down the Sphinx etc? I'm currently being entertained with the mindblowing special effect of editing together a series of shots of John Simms giggling like a loon whilst wearing different jackets and shirts. This kind of radical SFX clearly deserves a lot of airtime.

Oh, got Mephisto back to do the credits?

It was pretty clear that dude was a Time Lord from the way he was dressed so that hasn't amazed me. I don't know, you think I'd be a little excited but... naah. This is filling the very familiar template of an RTD finale. There is a chance that the Time Lords could actually stick around after this story, though, for a change - because that would bring the mopey Doctor arc to an end which Moffat has already said he would like to do.

Looks like Donna could end up okay, though, which would be kind of cool but.. man, seems like RTD's stretching a bit with this one. Almost seems like we got a season's arc in the first half of the episode, in fact, with the sudden revelation that there was a cult complete with sacred texts dedicated to Harold Saxon, Lucy's fate etc - would this not have been more effective worked over the course of a season? Okay, perhaps not because you'd know the Master would be in the finale - but it's not like he was a surprise HERE, is it?

The story has gotten so blatantly in-your-face, amazingly in the last minute or so, I have little hope for the finale. But, hey, it could be as good as Last of the Timelords, the only finale I unequivocably liked (Bizarrely the one everyone else hated, as is often the way). And I must admit I went into this expected to be disappointed and, up to 53 minutes in I was hovering on the 'pleasantly surprised' line.

I guess if nothing else, the very last episode promises more Wilf and Donna. And very little Sylvia, seeing as she no longer exists. So roll it on, DJ!

*

Oh, it was Timothy Dalton. Bugger, should have recognised him from Hot Fuzz.

...what the FUCK??? Brian Cox as the voice of the Ood Elder???

Also, Silas Carson played Ood Sigma. Better known as Ki-Adi Mundi from the Star Wars prequels.

...yeah, I know, that was a lesser bombshell. Ki-Adi's the coneheaded bloke with the beard in all the council scenes. He tripled-up, actually - if I remember correctly Carson also played the pilot of the Republic ship Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan take to the Trade Federation station in Episode 1 as well as Nute Gunray (leader of the offensive coward yellow-peril aliens aka Nemoidians).

For some reason I still get a little freaked out when I see Gary Russell's name in the credits. Is it just the knowledge that he buys and sells 20 fanboys like me a week?

NEXT TIME: In the episode everyone aside from that one arsehole in Australia has already watched...

John Simms bugs out his eyes unnecessarily! Timothy Dalton paints his fingernails! The Time Lord Victorious is constipated! John Simms is ANGRY! Timothy Dalton works on his pimp walk down some corridors! The Women keeps making portentous prophecy ad fucking nauseum! Donna looks to her left while making a phonecall! John Simms laughs! Larry Miles claims they're ripping him off! The Doctor isn't really a Time Lord! (or... something else relevant) John Simms relieves himself into his trousers before blowing up his playstation! Wilf packs heat! The Doctor willingly takes a gun for the first time since Saward's typewriter exploded! John Simms still bugs his eyes out! The Doctor tells the bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud joke!

Now I'm going to watch some Stargate Atlantis.

14 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Well, it's a better review than I managed.

It's a little bit difficult to believe that there would be no royal history of Queen Elizabeth getting married.
Which is, of course, the whole point. The Doctor never says "I married Elizabeth". He says, "Got married. That was a mistake," on the list of things he's done, and adds, "And Good Queen Bess..."

He's not saying he married her, he says he got married and has also pissed off the Queen (ergo her cameo in The Shakespeare Code where she tries to kill him). As far as I can tell, he "married" River Song. Or maybe just some alien princess so he wouldn't get burnt to death for defying the casual dress laws of Vindondle V.

Another sign of Time Lord Victorious' egocentric attitude?
Indeed. I think it's actually June Whitfield's grope that snaps him out of it. Like in Mindwarp where one of Sil's minnows makes the evil Doctor GOOD again. Of course, taking inspiration from Mindwarp is never a good idea...

TLV's being a disingenuous prick!
True, but he turns out to be right. And getting the ability to time travel when you have no desire to evolve such a gift is suspicious, surely?

Throwback? Because.. never mind.
Genius.

"Just to make SURE the motherfucker was dead!"
My thoughts exactly.

There is no aerodynamic reason to suppose that gritting your teeth harder will allow you to run faster.
No, but the reflection helps prevent snow blindness.

Meanwhile, Friar Tuck calls Christmas off because it's a load of Pagan bullshit and Jesus was born in July.
You know, I can totally imagine a hypocrite like Tuck doing that.

These two guys basically scream "FUCK THIS!" and tail it.
No comment but I just want to mention that Nyder says this episode is a rip off of all his work for Kaldor City and Faction Paradox, with predestined conspiracy theories, odious rich assholes, foam-at-the-mouth-psychopaths brought back from the dead and cheapass magic. He "proves" it by saying that the burger van is at "Stevens Point", a metatextual reference that "Alan was right about subtext all along".

...

Youth of Australia said...

Surely the Doctor never saw Wilf with the paintgun?
Nope, but I thought that was the point. Wilf's babbling because he's nervous around the TLV.

"Fuck you! You have a magical fucking time machine! Cry me a river you spiky-haired bug-eyed Scottish prick!"
I bet Cribbens said that in rehearsal. Or something similar. The guy is hilarity cubed.

effectively canon that Donna is Ten's favourite companion even if Rose was the one he wanted to boink.
Yeah I buy that.

apparently Robson Greene playing the Celestial Toymaker
I'm glad someone else thought they looked like that. I thought it WAS him for a minute, since I remembered the big return in 2005, Greene was at the screening and said he'd love to be in the show, but not as the Doctor. But no, we get the one James Bond who looks most like a sex offender with a crooked grin, spitting problem, and unable to pronounce "Master" correctly.

The Master and the Doctor had homo-erotic day trips gambolling on his father's estate?
LOL. I can imagine the conversation going...
"Do you remember running through the red grass, Doctor?"
"...um... no..."
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was thinking of someone else. IT'S CRAZY!"

Another nice touch to Wilf's personality that he is proud of this fact.
Wilf rocks. Fact.

The actress looks familiar...
She plays the ballsy nurse girlfriend of the werewolf in Being Human. The werewolf himself turns up in part two, but tragically, they never meet. Aw.

Wait.. is Rairf Kcut talking about Torchwood One?
Yep. Canary Wharf. The ship with the gate also had the magna claps that actually weren't very helpful. The idea that Jack and Tosh were completely unable to stop the vultures stealing all the good xenotech before they got there is dubbed "PLAUSIBLE" by Adam and Jamie.

"Now please don't imagine I'm a slave driver - because that would be well racist."
Another reason why you, not Gary Russell, should be the script editor for the new show.

Meanwhile emos are revealed to have especially low Masterism tolerance..
It's true because it's funny.

I won't spoil anything for part two (WHICH I HAVE FINALLY SEEN) but Matt Smith isn't the heartbreaking talent vacuum we began to fear. He's completely, utterly "shoes-placid-stupid-that-was-a-nice-nap-you-ALIEN-SPY-Puccini-Barcelona-spanners" off his face, so I can't judge, but he managed to play someone very stoned with a completely new nervous system like he was born to it.

His new catchphrase, however, MAY get a bit irritating. Mainly because I always instinctively associate it with Rimmer having sex.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Damn, man I can't believe I forgot to reply. I keep reading these late at night and forgetting to respond...

He says, "Got married. That was a mistake," on the list of things he's done, and adds, "And Good Queen Bess..."

Ah, must be my dirty mind at work. He says something about "There's that nickname gone" and I assumed he was referring to 'The Virgin Queen'.

...that was quite a jump to make on my part I guess.

I think it's actually June Whitfield's grope that snaps him out of it. Like in Mindwarp where one of Sil's minnows makes the evil Doctor GOOD again. Of course, taking inspiration from Mindwarp is never a good idea...

I guess not.

.. has Philip Martin ever had an interview explaining what the hell was going on in that story?

And getting the ability to time travel when you have no desire to evolve such a gift is suspicious, surely?

I dunno - the idea's barely touched on. Seems a little bit like a Fires of Pompeii throwback.

No, but the reflection helps prevent snow blindness.

Lmao!

Nyder says this episode is a rip off of all his work for Kaldor City and Faction Paradox, with predestined conspiracy theories, odious rich assholes, foam-at-the-mouth-psychopaths brought back from the dead and cheapass magic. He "proves" it by saying that the burger van is at "Stevens Point", a metatextual reference that "Alan was right about subtext all along".

I probably find it actually more plausible that RTD would rip off Sparacus than Alan Stevens. The big difference is that this story actually explains HOW things are pre-destined, as well, instead of saying "Because they're magic aliens!!!"

Where do we see the name "Stevens point"? How many people named Stevens are in the world? Does RTD know any of them? What is the significance of the burger van?

I'm glad someone else thought they looked like that. I thought it WAS him for a minute, since I remembered the big return in 2005, Greene was at the screening and said he'd love to be in the show, but not as the Doctor.

Huh, didn't know about that. It's only a faint resemblence, really, but I couldn't think who else it looked like.

But no, we get the one James Bond who looks most like a sex offender with a crooked grin,

That is a brilliant description

"Do you remember running through the red grass, Doctor?"
"...um... no..."
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was thinking of someone else.


lol.

She plays the ballsy nurse girlfriend of the werewolf in Being Human.

Must be coincidence then - never seen the show. We can't get ABC2.

The werewolf himself turns up in part two, but tragically, they never meet. Aw.

Really? I saw it just last night.... erm... is he one of the Time Lords?

The idea that Jack and Tosh were completely unable to stop the vultures stealing all the good xenotech before they got there is dubbed "PLAUSIBLE" by Adam and Jamie.

Well.. yeah. I mean, did they even have a truck to put it all in?

I won't spoil anything for part two (WHICH I HAVE FINALLY SEEN)

ME TOO!

As of last night. Review coming... soon(ish). I'll actually have to write this one up.

His new catchphrase, however, MAY get a bit irritating. Mainly because I always instinctively associate it with Rimmer having sex.

Huh. Didn't even notice it. I was probably suffering Big Ass Ending Fatigue at the time, though.

Youth of Australia said...

Ah, must be my dirty mind at work. He says something about "There's that nickname gone" and I assumed he was referring to 'The Virgin Queen'.
Oh. I just automatically thought he meant, "That nickname - good queen Bess the one I just mentioned - gone."

.. has Philip Martin ever had an interview explaining what the hell was going on in that story?
Apart from the infamous "me and Colin Baker asked Saward what the hell was going on and he told us to bugger off and stop pestering him" anecdote? Nope.

But the novelization seems to go for the "the Doctor did turn evil coz of the brain warp thing", as the Doctor agrees with that summary and bursts into tears.

Mind you, the novelization ends with the start of Attack from the Mind and discovering the Time Lords teleported Peri and Yrcanos to 1990s USA to become professional wrestlers.

Lmao!
It makes sense of a lot of his facial expressions...

I probably find it actually more plausible that RTD would rip off Sparacus than Alan Stevens. The big difference is that this story actually explains HOW things are pre-destined, as well, instead of saying "Because they're magic aliens!!!"
Which is why RTD is a copout loser.

Apparently.

Where do we see the name "Stevens point"?
Not 100% sure, but I think it's at the burger van the tramps go to. There's a sign or something.

How many people named Stevens are in the world? Does RTD know any of them? What is the significance of the burger van?
It's a token gesture that supplies total crap to the last people who need it?

That is a brilliant description
Cool. I must use it whenever Dalton's not in the room. (You know, he turned up for filming early to watch the regeneration scene? The naked fanboy...)

Must be coincidence then - never seen the show. We can't get ABC2.
It's on ABC1 on Wednesday night.

Really? I saw it just last night.... erm... is he one of the Time Lords?
He's Midshipman Alonzo "Get Away" Frame.

Well.. yeah. I mean, did they even have a truck to put it all in?
I don't think they did... unless they put all the stuff on top of Lisa the Cyberwoman...

ME TOO!
As of last night. Review coming... soon(ish). I'll actually have to write this one up.

Yes.

I admit, I cried. But only over Bernard Cribbens. I swear he is the only thing that, at times, stops me screaming "GET OVER IT, YOU SCOTTISH EMO GIT!" Oh, and a brilliant last shot of the Tenth Doctor blubbering like a bitch - I strongly suspect they edited in the wrong take there (DT did four versions of the line: wistful, angry, sad, or in tears).

Huh. Didn't even notice it. I was probably suffering Big Ass Ending Fatigue at the time, though.
Well, there should be a lack of that for a while. At least six months. You know the guy who wrote Men Behaving Badly will be doing an episode?

Youth of Australia said...

Bloody hell - Jago & Litefoot have got their own BF spin-off series!

BF really ARE scrabbling for everything the BBC haven't used, aren't they?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh. I just automatically thought he meant, "That nickname - good queen Bess the one I just mentioned - gone."

Yes, well, sure it makes sense if you insist on being straight forward...

But the novelization seems to go for the "the Doctor did turn evil coz of the brain warp thing", as the Doctor agrees with that summary and bursts into tears.

Ah right...

That's right - that story has the EXTRA level of mystery, doesn't it, because the Doctor's only watching it as a flashback and he himself is confused about what's happening...

If only that story had a clear resolution, it could have been a really clever one. But you know a story's dodgy when none of the fans actually get the plot..

Mind you, the novelization ends with the start of Attack from the Mind and discovering the Time Lords teleported Peri and Yrcanos to 1990s USA to become professional wrestlers.

Yes, that's become an infamous piece of trivia in fandom. It's awful.

For whatever reason I kind of like to believe Peri died. Even though I really liked her. Don't know what that says about me.

Which is why RTD is a copout loser.

Apparently.


Okay... maybe I need to check out this rant.

You know, he turned up for filming early to watch the regeneration scene? The naked fanboy...)

Heh, that's cool. I knew he was mate-y with Sylv but I didn't think he was a proper fan...

It's on ABC1 on Wednesday night.

...man, how can I get smacked down worse than this?

He's Midshipman Alonzo "Get Away" Frame.

Oh, there we go. I should've remembered that...

At least I did better than my mate - he didn't even realise he was the VotD guy!

I admit, I cried. But only over Bernard Cribbens. I swear he is the only thing that, at times, stops me screaming "GET OVER IT, YOU SCOTTISH EMO GIT!"

Lol. I can understand that... but ultimately I liked the regen itself.

I'll stress that - the regen itself. Other bits, less so.

Oh, and a brilliant last shot of the Tenth Doctor blubbering like a bitch - I strongly suspect they edited in the wrong take there (DT did four versions of the line: wistful, angry, sad, or in tears).

Did not know that. The way you watch Confidential and other stuff makes you seem like some kind of omniscient force to me...

You know the guy who wrote Men Behaving Badly will be doing an episode?

Simon Nye? Really? Huh. I've only seen one other thing written by him on telly. And that was a show that seemed to feature mostly a husband and wife arguing in bed, which didn't seem like a big departure.

I've watched 2 episodes of Coupling just recently. Can see why it's so popular (cos GEOFF RULES!) and was reminded of it just then because MBB and Coupling are probably the working class / middle class counterpoints of one another, really. Even though one has a title suggesting it's male-centric, they seem to cover fairly similar ground..

Bloody hell - Jago & Litefoot have got their own BF spin-off series!

..I was about to say this was awesome, but I think the TV show would have been cooler, really. Ah well, let's wait and see...

BF really ARE scrabbling for everything the BBC haven't used, aren't they?

Well, in that case, are they going to take up my idea of adapting The Master and Commander books with Colin Baker as Lucky Jack Aubrey and Paul Darrow as Dr Maturin? (That's my own personal version of your Mr Oak & Mr Quill children's show..)

Youth of Australia said...

Yes, well, sure it makes sense if you insist on being straight forward...
I don't often go there, but the Doctor banging Elizabeth I is one such occasion.

Ah right...
Really quite pathetic, actually. No righteous fury at the end, he folds like a house of cards and begs the court for mercy.

That's right - that story has the EXTRA level of mystery, because the Doctor's confused about what's happening...
Yes, though that could have been adlibbed by Baker...

If only that story had a clear resolution, it could have been a really clever one. But you know a story's dodgy when none of the fans actually get the plot..
Yeah... Course, Martin wanted to a sequel to Mindwarp for Season 24, showing what happened to Sil, but that was abandoned.

Yes, that's become an infamous piece of trivia in fandom. It's awful.
A bit insulting to Yrcanos, if anything.

For whatever reason I kind of like to believe Peri died. Even though I really liked her. Don't know what that says about me.
Well, my own belief (based on The Monsters) is that Peri survived, but completely lost her memories and personality. So amnesiac Peri became Yrcanos' queen, a completely different woman to the one who died. No wonder the Doctor never went back for her - technically, they never met.

I didn't think he was a proper fan...
According to Confidential, he'd never had a chance to see a new episode until recently (and automatically assumed the new stuff to be crap - see, A TRUE FAN!) but was so utterly impressed he rang up RTD and offered his services. RTD giggled girlishly.

...man, how can I get smacked down worse than this?
I won't answer that.

At least I did better than my mate - he didn't even realise he was the VotD guy!
I knew he'd be in the ep, but everyone was expecting the infamous Shadow Proclamation sequence to be filmed instead of simply the Doctor pimping Jack at Milliways...

ultimately I liked the regen itself.
Yep. Definitely better than the TV Movie, Time and the Rani, Planet of the Spiders or The Tenth Planet.

I'll stress that - the regen itself. Other bits, less so.
I'll let you go on at length later.

Did not know that. The way you watch Confidential and other stuff makes you seem like some kind of omniscient force to me...
I can just post you the episodes if you want...

Simon Nye? Really?
Some of the episodes were more varied. I remember the Christmas special was a two-level plot, with the cast simultaneously living in a huge mansion with lots of servants and snowmen while also being in a grungy little flat with some crap presents.

(cos GEOFF RULES!)
He does. It's amazing, really, that for all everyone joking he's a deranged freak, no one is ever really offended by his honesty. I dunno if you've seen the Inferno episode, but it's amazing that his complete cheerful anecdotes about watching porn don't get a single reproach, whereas someone else...

one has a title suggesting it's male-centric
The women behave rather badly too. In fact, when they behave badly, they're much worse.

..I was about to say this was awesome, but I think the TV show would have been cooler, really.
I know. But... GAH!

Well, in that case, are they going to take up my idea
Well, once they're done with Sherlock Holmes and Phantom of the Opera, they might.

(That's my own personal version of your Mr Oak & Mr Quill children's show..)
...you scare me.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Really quite pathetic, actually. No righteous fury at the end, he folds like a house of cards and begs the court for mercy.

Oh, that's kinda lame.

Course, Martin wanted to a sequel to Mindwarp for Season 24, showing what happened to Sil, but that was abandoned.

Oh, didn't know about that one. I also assumed Sil died, seeing as there's that whole thing about orders being given for his execution in the event of Kiv's death. But I guess Nabil and Phil Martin mightn't have liked the idea of our sluggy friend being no more..

A bit insulting to Yrcanos, if anything.

...that's a good point. For some reason I just looked at it from the angle of it being massively braindead an idea, but never spared a thought for what a come-down it is to go from being king of a planet (or planets?) to essentially the next tier of carnival performer...

that Peri survived, but completely lost her memories and personality. So amnesiac Peri became Yrcanos' queen, a completely different woman to the one who died.

Hmm, that's a nice compromise I have to say..

According to Confidential, he'd never had a chance to see a new episode until recently (and automatically assumed the new stuff to be crap - see, A TRUE FAN!) but was so utterly impressed he rang up RTD and offered his services. RTD giggled girlishly.

Huh, and there was me cynically assuming that it was like when Chris Martin wanted to guest star on Ricky's show on Extras - "Friday night sitcom - what's that pulling? 7-8 million? Yeah, I could go on that..." (said apropos of nothing)

Definitely better than the TV Movie, Time and the Rani, Planet of the Spiders or The Tenth Planet.

What's wrong with Spiders? Aside from the obvious stuff?

I remember the Christmas special was a two-level plot, with the cast simultaneously living in a huge mansion with lots of servants and snowmen while also being in a grungy little flat with some crap presents.

Yeah, I've seen that one. I think the idea gets played out a little by the end of the episode, but it was a good one.

It's amazing, really, that for all everyone joking he's a deranged freak, no one is ever really offended by his honesty.

I've been listening to a lot of Kevin Smith (also known as the Jay and Silent Bob guy) podcasts, and he seems to have a similar effect. Few people seem to talk about sex as irreverently or often as he does..

I dunno if you've seen the Inferno episode,

I have note but multiple people have described it to me. Really, I think it sounds very accurate.

The women behave rather badly too. In fact, when they behave badly, they're much worse.

I agree with that. They border on malicious, really.. I can't say I ever watched the show and thought that Caroline Quentin's character deserved better than Gary...

I know. But... GAH!

I guess the other thing is that it would have been awesome in the 70s (also hence The Incredible Robert Bald(r)ick) but the idea seems a bit... done now.

...you scare me.

You say that as though it is weird to fantasise about Colin Baker...

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, that's kinda lame.
There's quite a lot of lameness in it.

Oh, didn't know about that one. I also assumed Sil died, seeing as there's that whole thing about orders being given for his execution in the event of Kiv's death. But I guess Nabil and Phil Martin mightn't have liked the idea of our sluggy friend being no more..
Very true, but the third story was intended to be the last. I think that Nabil had a job offer at the time...

...that's a good point. For some reason I just looked at it from the angle of it being massively braindead an idea, but never spared a thought for what a come-down it is to go from being king of a planet (or planets?) to essentially the next tier of carnival performer...
And considering how corrupt the wrestling business, it's mocking him by preventing him dying in honorable battle...

Hmm, that's a nice compromise I have to say..
Crozier was VERY confident that "mentally, she has ceased to exist".

Huh, and there was me cynically assuming that it was like when Chris Martin wanted to guest star on Ricky's show on Extras - "Friday night sitcom - what's that pulling? 7-8 million? Yeah, I could go on that..." (said apropos of nothing)
I was surprised too.

What's wrong with Spiders? Aside from the obvious stuff?
Spiders isn't the worst. But it could be better. A lot better.

Yeah, I've seen that one. I think the idea gets played out a little by the end of the episode, but it was a good one.
The Giant Fish was another good one.

I've been listening to a lot of Kevin Smith (also known as the Jay and Silent Bob guy) podcasts, and he seems to have a similar effect. Few people seem to talk about sex as irreverently or often as he does..
I guess you either got it or you don't. A bit like Vila and crime.

I have note but multiple people have described it to me. Really, I think it sounds very accurate.
The thing is, I can't really imagine Moffat and the Third Doctor story in the same sentence any more.

I agree with that. They border on malicious, really.. I can't say I ever watched the show and thought that Caroline Quentin's character deserved better than Gary...
That's an ongoing plotline, as she goes off with lots of "better" blokes, but always comes back to him. Apparently she is able to "evolve" Gary into a gentlemen, but every time he gets a flatmate, he "devolves" again, so they have to start over.

You say that as though it is weird to fantasise about Colin Baker...
It isn't. Oak & Quill, however...

Youth of Australia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

That's the kind of constructive and in-depth feedback I yearn for always.

And considering how corrupt the wrestling business, it's mocking him by preventing him dying in honorable battle...

Hmm... yeah, I can't think of any counter-argument examples. Just that one dude who broke his neck when being air-dropped into the ring, but that wasn't even a fight.

He could die slowly over a long period of years in extreme pain like Andre the Giant?

Youth of Australia said...

Well, that's as happy an ending as MindWarp offers...

Youth of Australia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.