Sunday, January 24, 2010

Machines v Humans

I'm really curious as to why it is that Spambots congregate on the lesser-used areas of the internet. You think it would make more sense to, say, post a bizarre message with a link saying "Hey, I've found a place to download Avatar" on a site that regularly gets 10, 000 visitors than, again hypothetically, in a comment on a blog post I made a year ago about a nightmare night out that made me really hate Guitar Hero.

It makes me wonder if the mythical 'spiders', described to me as 'software-coded robots sent out by search engines' to follow links and find matches for our search queries, eat them somehow.... I don't know, I guess I don't like simple explanations. You heard it here first, what we are seeing is the rather underwhelming aftermath of a decade-long war between robot spiders and ... robotic Nigerian clones. I like the dystopic future sci-fi vibes, seeing as this blog is already firmly entrenched in the grungy gutter of cyberspace.

Essentially I'm just posting to ask the question are we just going to sit around, crying into our keyboards or are we GOIN TA DO SUMFINK ABAAT IT? Basically I was getting mildly annoyed at the Inbox messages I get in my account from threads over a year ago, where some spambot's saying "thank u this really helped with my school project!11" in a post where I accuse Paul Margrs of buggering my goats. WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO YOU SICK BASTARD??

So I was wondering about a word-verification thing on the posts, but I realise that could be seriously annoying. Let your thoughts be known here. Or not.


Incidentally, are you ever amazed by people online who attempt to turn any topic of conversation around to their pet hates, regardless of the yawning lack of relevance?

Take this Callahan fellow, responding to news of the controversial... wait, everyone thinks that the idea sucks... the ultraversial proposed Torchwood USA series:

"As long as SyFy Channel has NOTHING, WHATSOEVER to do with it. Those Morons would turn it into a blasted Soap Opera, oops, I'm sorry, I forgot to use their Fanboi code word for Soap Opera, Character Driven Drama Series.

Bleh."

He is one of the legion of fans furious, FURIOUS, about the way that Stargate: Universe dares dedicate screen time to anything other than aliens getting shot the fuck up with M16s and guys in glasses making wisecracks about it in the background, with the idea that people scared and alone in a spaceship halfway across the fucking universe with no idea where they are or of any hopes to actually get back to Earth could be scared, uncertain, emotionally frail and feel any need to express any of this. And so, derides it as a 'soap opera'. How many soap operas involve sapient sand mites, chest-bursting space maggots, time travel, crashed alien spaceships and body stealing technology? Aside from Passions. That's what I thought.

What makes this funnier is that FOX is not known for supporting sci-fi in any form - it is probably best known for cancelling them, along with plenty of original shows that yield marginal ratings at best. Because of this, a layman like me would assume that Fox has no dealing with SyFy (shudder, love the shows, hate that fucking name..) and what do you know - I'm right! SyFy is a property of NBC.

Congratulations Callahan, you win the Golden MLock this month for Complete Ineptitude at Online Communication.



Meanwhile, ten years ago...

ME: Hey, you never know, anything is possible.

SOME DUDE: Well, obviously not everything is possible.

ME: Like what?

DUDE: Like... finding a unicorn.

ME: Unless there are unicorns. They could be like they say bigfoot are - if something unobserved you don't really have evidence that it doesn't exist.

DUDE: Okay, fine. But - jumping into the ocean and coming out completely dry.

ME: If you happened to jump through the open hatch of a submarine you would.

DUDE: Yeah, not in a submarine, though, because I said in the ocean.

ME: A submarine's IN the fucking ocean. Ergo, you're in the ocean.

DUDE: That doesn't count!

ME: Why not? You are in the ocean!

DUDE: You're in a submarine that's in the ocean! So it's not possible.

ME: Yeah it is.

DUDE: How?

ME: Maybe you're in a wetsuit that's charged with electricity, and at that moment the ocean is also charged equally and so you repel each other. And when you come out you're dry.

DUDE: ...what like a fucking forcefield? That's just retarded!

ME: Perhaps. But it's possible.

DUDE: Okay, so you jump into the ocean completely naked -

ME: Organic tissue can also be charged, you know.

DUDE: - WITHOUT a fucking magical bullshit forcefield that comes out of nowhere, into the ocean and STILL come out dry?

ME: You're putting too many constraints on this. You're being too negative.

DUDE: What do you mean?

ME: You say something isn't possible, then I give you two perfectly good examples and all you do is change the argument. That's negative, you're LOOKING for a negative answer.

DUDE: Yeah, well, you can't think of anything, can you?

ME: Maybe if the ocean's got cornflour in it-

DUDE: IT DOESN'T HAVE FUCKING CORNFLOUR!!!

ME: You see! Maybe that's really what the expression is. Anything is possible - subclause: so long as you don't go looking for more and negatives.

DUDE: ...

ME: I mean, you want to go through life constantly thinking "It will be impossible to get a job assuming I don't get a haircut, don't shave, don't wash my clothes, don't get offered any work as an extra, don't become a male prostitute, don't consider collecting trollies at Woolworths a 'job', don't have any empathic eccentric millionaire relations I don't know about so why even bother?"

DUDE: ...I hate you.

ME: Yeah, I get that a lot.

DUDE: Buy Ciaris now mega hot babes shall be cumming for more COCK!!! Viagra discounts, onlly n Nigeria.

ME: NOOOOOO! IT'S A FUCKING VIRUS!!!

DUDE: Hot teenie b1tch3s take b1g loads!!!! You w@n+? buy w0m3n n000wwUuu!!!11!

(A gigantic spider crashes through the wall and eats the dude)

ME: Oh, man, thanks.

CYBER-ARAGOG: Everybody gets one, fleshman. Everybody gets one.

6 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Very amusing, indeed. I knew about the spambots on "GHIS" coz I ticked the "email follow-up comments" box and, lo and behold, people enthusing greatly about how you can download stuff.

It got so bad on the Chatham Odyssey blog that I change the comment settings to keep the spam away.

I liked your argument with the Dude, as it reminded me of that Double the Fist episode.

As for Torchwood being damaged by the Sci-Fi... how COULD it, say, be ANY worse? Even if the folk behind B7 Productions tried to get involved, I still can't see it coming up with things worse than Meat, Small Worlds or Something Borrowed...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I knew about the spambots on "GHIS" coz I ticked the "email follow-up comments" box and, lo and behold, people enthusing greatly about how you can download stuff.

SpambotS? More than one? Huh.

It got so bad on the Chatham Odyssey blog that I change the comment settings to keep the spam away.

I'm just confused now about whether the spambots target sites with more or less traffic. Because Chatham Odyssey got itself quite a few hits, I remmeber.

I liked your argument with the Dude, as it reminded me of that Double the Fist episode.

Hmm, which episode? The one with the virus that eats people, the one where they jump off the cliff? Looking back my line of argument gets somewhat Mephisto at the end..

As for Torchwood being damaged by the Sci-Fi... how COULD it, say, be ANY worse?

Yeah... I can see the American version being extremely mediocre, but I have difficulty imagining it reaching the troughs that the original touched on. You can even conceivably imagine the second chance coming out better.

Bear in mind I got the distinct impression the guy who left that comment had never even seen Torchwood and just wanted to bash The Sci-Fi Channel.

Youth of Australia said...

I'm just confused now about whether the spambots target sites with more or less traffic. Because Chatham Odyssey got itself quite a few hits, I remmeber.
They only targetted the first (the wikipage) and last (the big farewell) posts, which I assume get the most traffic.

Hmm, which episode? The one with the virus that eats people, the one where they jump off the cliff?
The Crackbot one in S2.

Looking back my line of argument gets somewhat Mephisto at the end..
Which is never a bad thing.

I just crack up thinking of Mephisto. Chris Hale's met him in real life, you know? But he was just screaming "I *AM* THE ABC!!!" over and over again...

Yeah... I can see the American version being extremely mediocre, but I have difficulty imagining it reaching the troughs that the original touched on. You can even conceivably imagine the second chance coming out better.
Indeed. Ianto might have just the one personality, or Owen look less disgusting...

Bear in mind I got the distinct impression the guy who left that comment had never even seen Torchwood and just wanted to bash The Sci-Fi Channel.
Yes. I found a similar review of the End of Time which...

...and I never thought I'd see the day...

...dissed Wilfred Mott.

I know.

Disgusting.

Chris said...

Actually, It was my brother. They were connected when Doug was inking Platnum Grit.

So Stu met up with him after they won the AFI award and he was "I AM THE ABC!!!"

I'd very much like to meet him tho :D
Should just e-mail him.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

...dissed Wilfred Mott.

I know.

Disgusting.


Oooh... as I said my mum doesn't particularly care for the character but.. active dislike? This calls for further study...

Actually, It was my brother. They were connected when Doug was inking Platnum Grit.

...Doug Bayne inked Platinum Grit? I knew about both, but the idea they were somehow connected stuns me.

Bear in mind, I never actually read PG properly. The concept when described was very funny. I tried to read the first issue and just found it in the odd corridor of surreality that was too surreal to enjoy properly. From memory, you understand.

My favourite Doug Bayne moment was actually an extra on the Chaser DVD, showing how they did the stunt where they lit the 5 year birthday cake for the Iraq conflict and it exploded. To get the effect, Doug just smashed the cake in with a giant rubber hammer and added the explosion in later. Somehow the image of a tweaking Mephisto lurking goblin-like behind Andrew's chair before going psycho on their dessert was probably funnier than the actual effect.

Chris said...

...Doug Bayne inked Platinum Grit? I knew about both, but the idea they were somehow connected stuns me.

Yeah, It was something like the first 8 or so issues. Then he moved on to learn animation I believe. When I get around to meeting him I'll ask XD

That's why in that Aztec episode the comic stuff that's sped up looks like Trudy Cooper's art. He either got her to do it, or he's inked it for so long he knows how to copy her style.

My favourite Doug Bayne moment was actually an extra on the Chaser DVD...

Mine was that he was staying over at a friend of mines house. They went to a resteraunt and he just started to strip for no reason what so ever.