Monday, March 22, 2010

DDD Karibbean Kibosh Kraziness! (OR Jared Rants about Pirates)

NineMSN has published a fairly bizarre story about the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie, specifically that actresses who have artificially augmented mammaries will not be allowed to apply for parts. The reason for this is they have plenty already. No, sorry, I just couldn't help myself...

The explanation isn't actually forthcoming. At least not a coherent one...

A former casting agent was quoted as saying: "In the last movie there were enhanced breasts to give that 18th-century whoreish look and men were pretty well padded to and no one worried."

I'm trying to remember the 18th-century whores in the previous movie, and really failing. I remember a few whores in Tortuga, but when that island was featured in the last film it was in some retarded scene where Lord Cutler Beckett was executing everybody until they started singing, which made me heckle the screen with a cry of "Get a frigging iPod!". Apparently the idea was that once the chant started then the 'call' would go out to convene the Pirate meeting.

Ignoring the fact that

a) They had already decided to gather the Pirate Lords
b) If the Pirate Lords had not gathered then Beckett wouldn't have been defeated - what a frigging retard.



Meanwhile I'm also trying to remember obviously-padded up shots of Wil Turner and Jack Sparrow's tights. I am again failing.

The 'former casting agent' I'm presuming NineMSN found in the gutter and are just play-acting knows anything about this project at all goes on to say...

"But times are changing and the audience can spot false breasts."

Oh, yes. Remember those heady, naive days of 2007...

"My word, grandfather!" we would gasp breathlessly "Look at the teets on Madame Knightley! If my baby sister, Bernadette-Louise, is to miraculously survive her shingles and polio, and eats all her porridge and bread crusts and earns enough silver pennies from work I shall give her on the icebox coach shall she grow up with such a chest of wonder?"

"No, no, young Jimbuck!" thundered grandfather in response "Not for our Ben-Lass is such ways of the decky-dance o' yon flibbertigibbet! Young Kiera, when I had watched her, o'er t'wireless, when ye was jes' a sprog in bow-legged britches what your great unlce had took off of that German in t'Great War, in her one woman play Bend it Like Beckham, why she were flatter than FDR at the bottom of a stairwell. Thought she'd only make it as a T-square, so I did."

"No! That's not possible!" I cried, mimicking my favourite moment from the family novel, Star Wars Episode V: Ye Empire Striketh Back which all seventeed of us shared around the humble lice-pit we called home.

"Hehe, Skywalker," Grandfather said "But true enough it be, ya snivellous poltroon! Doctors - like Mister Waldicott our Phrenologist/Barber/Surgeon/Veterinerean what who lives on the hulks - injected her breasts with silicone and other magical properties and they bloomed like the most wondrous flowers ever to be seen!"

Naturally I thought it was impossible, but I have read things since to persuade me that perhaps this strange fairy story... was TRUE!

All bizarre segues tangets aside, seriously, has the fake breast spotting ability grown on average? If anything, I would assume it has deteriorated given the omnipresence of artificial.. well, not even tits but EVERYTHING! I know I can't pick fake breasts. Then, that could be because I'm like Fox Mulder. I want to believe.



Now, since NineMSN brought this up I want to take the oppurtunity to rant about how much PotC 3 sucked as anything other than a gigantic auto-falltiotic whirlpool of special effects. Every character was basically derailed:

Keira became a double-talking bitch and fascinatingly seems to be pissed off for the entirety of the film going by the fact there's basically no scene where she isn't frowning, Jack is given more than enough rope to hang himself as he is now gone insane and spends most of the film talking to himself, Governor Swan takes FUCKING FOREVER to be killed off and it happens on screen, Davy Jones becomes the pathetic bitch of a pasty WASP loser, pasty WASP loser is now meant to be the big bad that we're supposed to be afraid of, comically insensitive racial stereotypes chew up precious screentime for no fucking reason, that dude from the Rolling Stones who ironically needs no makeup to look like a pirate is given SO MUCH make up he's completely unrecognisable, and Will Turner still sucks.

Ironically meant to be a minor bad guy but the favourite character of a lot of people Commodore Norrington is treated like the writers have been waiting years to write him out which beggars the question of why the fuck they brought him back in the second film. He continues his weird habit of changing character utterly at some point after the credits have rolled for each film End of film one and he has a newfound respect for pirates and Jack, and seems secure as chief of the navy. BUT, apparently he was sacked by Swann, has a burning hatred for Jack and, even though it would be entirely out of character, moved to Tortuga of all places and became a self-loathing drunk and get a chance of killing Jack. I see. After the second film ends with him selling out Jack and apparently killing him and allying himself to Beckett to wipe out pirates as a privateer. (which means he isn't under Beckett's orders) the next film shows him as an Admiral, second in command to Beckett, and with suck hatred of the plan he seems to be looking for the first oppurtunity to defect. WHAT????

It is also the worst final part of a trilogy ever. See, a trilogy roughly works like this

Part 1: Orientation

Part 2: Complication

Part 3: Resolution

Pirates of the Caribbean works like this

Part 1: Orientation-Complication-Resolution

Part 2: More Complication

Part 3: Unrelated Complications

When I watched Part 2 with it's excruciating detailing of the deals Jack made to get the Pearl back from Davy Jones I assumed I had to have forgotten a couple of lines from the first film. Then complete astonishment when I re-watched the first one - there was clearly no thought of a sequel so the beginner's precaution of a setup wasn't taken care of. Even Bootstrap Bill, who became a reeeeally fucking tiresome character integral to the next two parts and a cornerstone of the trilogy, is explicitly and emphatically stated as being fucking dead. Not missing. Not taken. Dead. I'm too tired to copy and paste the Monty Python quotes right now but you get the idea.

But, fair enough, Part 2 set up a lot. Davy Jones as the big bad, Kraken as the big menace, Beckett and Norrington are peripherary threats guarding the heart, the annoying Voodoo Chick a character who hopefully won't be in it much more. It was all waiting for a big finale...

Hang on, next film starts - we're in fucking China? Who is the guy? Pirate Lords? What the fuck? Barbossa's a pirate lord? Huh? The Kraken's dead? The Flying Dutchman's been taken over? Why aren't we rescuing Jack yet? The fucking Goddess of the Sea? So on and so on. The third film doesn't resolve the second - it introduces a heap of stuff that adds NOTHING to ANYTHING. The Goddess Calypso subplot is terribly boring and the pay off? Random voodoo lady turns into a gigantic wave of crabs. And possibly creates a whirlpool. And, wow, thank God we had all the Pirate Lords and their ships so they could sit back and watch two ships fight for half an hour.

Who the FUCK wrote that shit? Oh, wait, I have IMDB open...

Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio. Well. You guys suck and apparently do not have the power of logic in any quantity.

I bring this up because the article goes on to say...

Scenes in the new film, which is reportedly being planned as the first in another trilogy, will be shot in Hawaii.

ANOTHER trilogy? Hope you've read some books on the subjects, lads, and so know how a fucking trilogy is meant to work.

The one good thing is the dropping of Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom and Geoffrey Rush to just focus on Jack Sparrow. Pity it's three films too late. Heh, I'm talking like I'm actually going to see this flat-chested festival of a film...

3 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

A thoroughly entertaining rant. I've only seen Dead Man's Chest once(maybe that's the chest all the producers are worried about, as it was clearly hollow and did not compare to the tit Jack Davenport made of himself) so the character derailment wasn't so obvious. I just went "Well, obviously it makes complete sense if you see all three films in order."

I enjoyed POTC3, but it suffered from some severe ending fatigue and there was some rather obvious "OK, let's have Jack do something fucking deranged that turns out to be a master plan so complicated the Seventh Doctor beats him over the head and shouts KEEP IT SIMPLE!!!" scenes and a regular dose of "Hmm, time for another sixteen-way fight scene", rather than how they naturally arose in Robin Hood.

And those two guards who become pirates? I hate them. They just bug me as the least interesting and most poorly-acted characters in the films. Including Keith Richards or the Black Zombie in the first film whose teeth had better acting lessons than the body they were attached to.

Oh, and another thing that pissed me off after the fact is they have the guts to do a decent ending with Will forced to have a long distance relationship with the woman he loves (and the bonking was surprisingly explicite for a Disney kid film), only able to get shore leave once every ten years. It's a nasty, untidy, unhappy ending with them making the best of a bad deal.

GOOD! say I at an annoyingly loud volume.

But, apparently, the producers decided the audience were too wimpy to accept this and told everyone that since Liz didn't go round screwing everything in trousers for a decade, Will has been released from his curse and is now a mortal man again. Despite everyone saying otherwise in the film. Including Callipso who STARTED THE WHOLE FUCKING BUSINESS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

It's like basically saying the whole end of the film DIDN'T MATTER. Worse even than "it was all a dream" coz they never bothered to film the bit where the dude wakes up.

I mean, people go on about RTD chickening out of his endings, but that is something else...

BTW, I've managed to see a bit of the new series. No spoilers, though the clips seem to show
a) Matt Smith can act
b) it won't be totally unwatchable shit
but never both AT THE SAME TIME.

Mmmmm. Random.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I've only seen Dead Man's Chest once(maybe that's the chest all the producers are worried about, as it was clearly hollow and did not compare to the tit Jack Davenport made of himself)

DAAAA-YUM, you angling to get a job writing for Clive James? BRUTAL WORDPLAY SMACKDOWN!

Ah, well, I'm sure Davenport's got plenty of work out of being thrown into a pigsty by Johnny Depp.

so the character derailment wasn't so obvious. I just went "Well, obviously it makes complete sense if you see all three films in order."

That would be ideal, yes...

I enjoyed POTC3, but it suffered from some severe ending fatigue and there was some rather obvious "OK, let's have Jack do something fucking deranged that turns out to be a master plan so complicated the Seventh Doctor beats him over the head and shouts KEEP IT SIMPLE!!!" scenes

Yeah I totally agree - the thing was after the film (and even back in the first one) I was left thinking "Hang on... if Jack just went with the ORIGINAL plan everybody had signed off on rather than quadruple-bluffing wouldn't things have worked out just as well, if slightly less badass?"

And those two guards who become pirates? I hate them. They just bug me as the least interesting and most poorly-acted characters in the films.

Yeah, I remember being quite annoyed when I realised that they were still alive in the last film. I was briefly excited in the first one when I mistook them for Martin Freeman and Spudgun. But.. it was not to be.

But, apparently, the producers decided the audience were too wimpy to accept this and told everyone that since Liz didn't go round screwing everything in trousers for a decade, Will has been released from his curse and is now a mortal man again.

...okay, is that in the scene after a bit of the credits that everyone but me has seen? Don't remember that detail.

Apparently Will and Elizabeth's child looked similar enough to the pirate kid who got hanged at the beginning of the film for my friend to excitedly tell me that the entire film was a FLASHBACK of Will's child directly before his death, in a future where the East India Company has conquered the Caribbean. Before I pointed out this made NO FUCKING SENSE whatsoever.

BTW, I've managed to see a bit of the new series. No spoilers, though the clips seem to show
a) Matt Smith can act
b) it won't be totally unwatchable shit
but never both AT THE SAME TIME.


I do not know how to process this information.

Youth of Australia said...

DAAAA-YUM, you angling to get a job writing for Clive James? BRUTAL WORDPLAY SMACKDOWN!
It was late, I was tired...

Ah, well, I'm sure Davenport's got plenty of work out of being thrown into a pigsty by Johnny Depp.
He's always got Coupling and Ultraviolet to fall back on.

Yeah I totally agree - the thing was after the film (and even back in the first one) I was left thinking "Hang on... if Jack just went with the ORIGINAL plan everybody had signed off on rather than quadruple-bluffing wouldn't things have worked out just as well, if slightly less badass?"
Yeah. I thought it was to show he'd lost it (what with the little Jacks living in his hair), but they just kept doing it again and again and again...

Yeah, I remember being quite annoyed when I realised that they were still alive in the last film. I was briefly excited in the first one when I mistook them for Martin Freeman and Spudgun. But.. it was not to be.
That could work... but the worst thing is they're not funny. Or at least, not funny twice. They are living padding and the film just stops while these idiots do their dumb and dumber routine. Ooh, Jack needs to steal DJ's heart... but those two are there. Might as well have a cup of tea, these idiots will still be bitching at each other by the time I finish.

...okay, is that in the scene after a bit of the credits that everyone but me has seen? Don't remember that detail.
That bit isn't bad, it's just her and her son waiting for him to get to shore, but the producers TELL everyone that the curse is gone.

Apparently Will and Elizabeth's child looked similar enough to the pirate kid who got hanged at the beginning of the film for my friend to excitedly tell me that the entire film was a FLASHBACK of Will's child directly before his death, in a future where the East India Company has conquered the Caribbean. Before I pointed out this made NO FUCKING SENSE whatsoever.
Nope. Would have been a cool idea though...

I do not know how to process this information.
Not sure how I am either. Maybe it's just the way they do the trailers, but thankfully nothing I have seen is as soul-killingly awful as the special trailer.

Even Moff has gone on record saying River Song won't be so sickeningly insufferable as she was before...