Thursday, April 29, 2010

I want to write for Gordon Brown

(Alternatively "Always a Frown, with Gordon Brown")


Jesus Christ, I haven't posted anything for 20 days? Damn... well, I guess I HAVE been un-motivated recently. Normal service will resume shortly, I assure you-ish.


Now, what events of great import do I have to blog on tonight? Well, a completely UN-Fistworthy scandal on the part of the media, albeit their overseas inbred cousins tonight - the English media, currently hauling Gordon Brown over the coals for a comment he made whilst unaware that his lapel mic was still on. He referred to a middle-aged bag lady who had accosted him on the street demanded that he use his Prime Ministerial power to smack down all the terrible foreigners coming into HER country, as saying "bigoted stuff". Hey, he called it as he saw it.

This scandal SICKENS ME.

What she said was, really, bigoted and not very meaningful. I didn't see any need for an apology, and really not much need for the story itself to get out. I mean, sure, the slavering functionally-literate hyenae of the press love any such moment when somebody doesn't realise they're being recorded, but a lot of the time it reveals simply that these politicians are human, and nothing scandalous at all. I mean, who could have been offended by Joe Biden saying what millions of Americans were thinking, when he proclaimed that day "a big fucking deal"? And likewise Gordon Brown revealing that, like most of his countrymen who work for a living, he gets really sick of petty shit like that over the course of his day.

From the media treatment, I was looking for a right royal slagging off from The Right Honourable Brown, and was sadly deprived of this. Here are ten suggestions that would have been far more entertaining for me personally:


10. Couldn't you give me a heads-up about meeting Pauline Hanson?

9. Whose idea was that? You know how much I hate dumplings, walking talking ones even more so.

8. I thought she was going to rob me. I looked at her face and assumed it was a sandpaper balaclava.

7. You knows... these days everybody acts like they've got something to say, but when they open their mouths nothing comes out but a heap of gibberish and what the fuck is that? It's like they forgot about Dre!

6. My guard was down. She looked so much like Silent Bob I never expected her to talk.

5. Well I know her. She was angry about that teabagging incident last night.

4. May she die alone and silent.

3. I was hoping it would be something about being a rape victim so I could laugh in her face. Before punching it in. And teabagging her.

2. Oh, you know, the bloody usual. She was talking about rounding up all the Jews in Europe and killing them. Just once I'd like to be able to say "I agree" to that one. Do you think she'd let me teabag her if I did?

1. That woman made me so angry, it made me want to team up with my old school chum Nigel Verkoff, hunt down her extended family and molest any that looked half decent after we were done sniffing detergent cut with speed and binge-drinking on alco-pops. Incidentally, I've recently taken up teabagging.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Preferred Hobby of B7 Fans...

Everyone on the internet should stop making their alternate B7 casts. Right now. This epiphany is brought on by seeing this:

My Cast Is This

Blake - Micheal Sheen
Avon - Ralf Spall
Vila - Ben Miller
Jenna - Sheridan Smith
Gan - Dean Andrews
Zen - Roy Skelton
Cally - Niky Wardley
Orac - Norman Lovett
Slave - Paul Darrow
Dayna - Lenora Crichlow
Tarrent - Richard Ayoade
Soolin - Joanna Page

Servalan - Michelle Ryan
Travis - Ross Kemp

Whats Your Cast?
Do You Agree With Me?
Our Dont You?


Courtesy of a deviant named martinwilliamrandall, on IMDb at least. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming it is a joke, yet it is still all too credible. Even Dean "Ray from Life on Mars" Andrews as Gan (for fuck's sake!) isn't too amazing as Philip Glenister was suggested by an all too-serious fan for the part. The thing that made the above mind-blowing was the bloke who drew up that shit had the nerve to be hyper-critical of anything else that got posted.

At the same time, I'd like to break my own veto with a cast, that I actually wrote up months and months ago, which looking back doesn't read too well now. Ah well, I give myself permission to post it.


Blake - Rufus Sewell

Avon - Paul Bettany

Jenna - Isla Fisher.... (I was thinking of India then got sidetracked. Hey, she's faintly plausible if nothing else..)

Vila - Simon Pegg

Cally - Claire Forlani

Gan - David Harewood (well, until I hear any BETTER suggestions, people!)

Travis - Richard Armitage ... failing that wheel in Pete Serafinowicz

Servalan - ...I've drawn a blank on this one for a long while. BUT I'm going out on a limb and saying... Billie Piper. Or at least, somebody a lot like her. She can play the conceited charm, the smug entitlement, and definitely has the playfulness and I'm sure can do the sinister side. Her natural voice is just right for the part. Physically she's nearly the polar opposite of Jacqui Pearce, but I don't think that should be seen as too big a deal - to me, Servi is a much more personaltity-driven role.
Or it could just be that chick from V.

Tarrant - Ioan Gruffudd

Dayna - .. I actually have no idea, but at the same time I think it should be a complete unknown, since Dayna was around 18 as I recall. Failing that.... Freema.


I also unwisely decided to illustrate this with a careful photoshopping of what it would look like if the original cast were to travel through time, hunt down the above actors and kill them before wearing their faces around.



Yes, I know, must try harder. It isn't easy being the one guy on the net who can't photoshop, you know...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Jared Reviews the Eleventh Hour!

Ah, Steven Moffat, bless. He has made us all his bitch.

I'm writing this review slightly late, but still earlier than expected because I just Ewen has already got his up. And I don't want what I write to be influenced by him whatsoever. And so, it's already off to a terrible start. I'm talking about the review itself rather than doing any bloody reviewing! In fact, I haven't even stated what I'm reviewing! What a dog's breakfast. The worst thing is I had half of what's going to ensue written in my head yesterday, but didn't bloody write it on paper or in wordpad for some reason. Absolutely unforgiveable!

0/10, that's what I give myself here.

Anyway, as I was saying, Steven Moffat is pretty damned good. Even when he writes something as unforgiveably shithouse as Silence in the Library he performs a magic act where characters throw up terrifying quantities of witty ripostes as if they've spent an evening fellating Don Rickles to distract from a plot that makes no sense at all. Incredibly it works on 99% of fandom. This, combined with the fact that SitL was his last script and trailers that were either quick and incoherent or coherent and goddamned awful, really did indicate the worst.

I mean, look at the publicity that has gone out - it has been targetted so strongly at the fans that nobody else would even know what it was. I guess it's a luxury you have to not even explain who the main character is when his casting makes the bloody ABC news, but containing no dialogue and a shitload of explosions is a very weird choice. Also, conspicuously selling his own creations back to the fans - what else are we to assume aside from "Kicking back and running this show in auto-pilot"

This also looks very possible at the very beginning of Eleventh Hour, with a quickly forgotten scene of the TARDIS nearly crashing into Westminster and the Doctor floundering about like a buttery flounder with a stupid haircut that could have gone in any story, anywhere in the last four years - it's so similar to The Christmas Invasion and The Runaway Bride it's hard to imagine anyone being excited about it. BUT Moffat flips the script - the entire purpose of this scene is to drop surreally into the new credits sequence.. and so the point WAS that the moment was pure 100,000 pound sterling RTD filler fodder. The last moment of RTDness in the show, those credits are the symbolic crossing-over point.

This occurred to me when I though "This story would have been better to me if it just started with the TARDIS crashed in the Pond garden." Then I realised the story BLOODY DID, because it only starts after those credits.. yes, the shadow of RTD hangs over the story, strongly felt by his absence. It soon becomes very apparent that, consciously or not, 50% of this script from Moffat is a series of "Things are gonna be different from now on!" moments, making this possibly the first ever piece of television targetted (albeit almost certainly inadvertently) towards The Hatedom. This makes me a little nervous about going onto the forums to see the response, because I fear it could be violent, even though the episode is brilliant.

Damn, let the cat out of the bag there. Yes, I really like it.

BUT moving backwards, the anti-RTDs... well, the camera copies that shock-zoom down into London BUT the story isn't actually set there. The Westminster shots are the last glimpse of London in the ep. Instantly the interior of the TARDIS is destroyed. Similarly the screwdriver is destroyed nearly as soon as it appears. Obviously the credits and theme song entirely changed first chance. Immediate references to 'swimming pool' and 'library' in the TARDIS, suggesting we could be seeing more and that it isn't as cyberpunk grungy as it has been. The companion already has backstory of the Doctor so there's no "It's bigger on the inside!" bullshit. Amy's family is incredibly vague and the Doctor doesn't really care. Also, the companion's a stripper rather than a slightly self conscious positive reinforcement feminine role mode.

Yes! What a moment of fridge brilliance! Oh, how we mocked when the photos of Amy were released, talking about how 'stripperific' her policewoman outfit was and speculating that the show was now going to be a glorified series of skin-flicks now that Geoff from Coupling was the producer. And it still can be! BUT the revelation that Amy actually IS a stripper had me stunned, what a good one. Oh, and she is, by the way. I don't know what the in-universe explanation for "Kiss-o-gram" would be but it is oh-so-clearly the G-rated re-write for one of those things kids aren't allowed to learn about until they innocently Google "Japanese cartoons" one day.

Also, what I see as a very good sign - the special effects were not that good.

This could get peoples back ups, assuming that I even have an audience for these mad ramblings, because in the past I have mocked strongly some of the terrible special effects failures of the last couple of years. And I don't have much of a comeback. Except that... none of the effects in this episode were amazing. A lot of the others were.

As we know RTD was loathe to do an alien planet story because the expense would be too high and made a big deal about the special effects. But look at the Multiform in that room with Amy - it's lit wrong and is pretty basic. BUT good enough to be a little scary! And those eyeball spaceships - they don't look real! In fact, they look pretty bad! THIS IS FANTASTIC! If we have a producer who says "just make what you can afford and move on" we can have brilliant storytelling, unlimited storytelling. I guess this goes back to RTD saying he'd never have the courage to write "The Doctor jumps a horse through a mirror" into one of his scripts. Moffat was the courage to write "The Doctor jumps a horse through a plate glass factory on the back of a Sycorax warship that's crashing into the sun. TWICE." and give The Mill five pounds in change to make it happen.

This is the spirit that made Doctor Who great, people. This is why my status-line review on FaceBook was "This ain't your little sister's Doctor Who!" by telling stories we can't afford in the way our American cousins would never try, we're making REAL Doctor Who.

Most people would actually be concerned with the new Doctor. Though I'd say they really shouldn't be. Matt Smith is, in spite of the "DaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrLEX!" scare a very good performer who doesn't hit a wrong note throughout the episode for my money. He hits the right notes for me as a Doctor - talks weird, acts weird and looks weird - yes, he has a horse face. Who are these people who keep complaining about the new Doctors being too 'good looking'? Eccleston was a moled-up beak-nosed cab-door ears skinhead, David Tennant was a bloody gelled scarecrow with a matching chin and a nose that could slice through cardboard and Smith has been tragically born with a second forehead. Do the English have different standards than we Australians?*

Everybody knows how a new Doctor story is supposed to work...

1) The new Doctor is placed in a situation that his predecessor would have handled ably with little difficulty to see how he goes.

2) The new Doctor is effectively out of character until the end of the story.

Moffat knows not to fuck around with these golden rules as they hold true. If Tenner were here he'd find some way to teleport into Sentrassi ships using his sonic screwdriver and Ham them into submission using his power of mad shouting. You might possibly have gotten a Short Trips story written on a napkin out of it. And, as Matt Smith says enough times, he doesn't know what's what half the time.

The other two more sporadic rules are

1) There should always be a crossover companion to ease the transition for the audience.

2) The Doctor's second story should feel like one that wouldn't have been out of place in the Hartnell era.

I have no idea what the deal is with the second one, postulated by a certain Mr Campion-Clarke but thus far it has held creepily true. We'll have to judge next week. As for the former, that has probably been discarded in this new age of companions with their names in lights..

When it comes to the character of Matt Smith's Doctor, it's hard to judge. There are more than a couple of similarities between Robert Holmes and Steven Moffat, and I'm here to suggest another one. As noted, Bob Holmes always wrote for Tom Baker... creepily, even BEFORE Tom Baker had the role. This is actually because he was script editor at the time of the Pertwee-Baker transition and so dictated the Doctor's character. I'm going to go one step further and suggest that Moffat in all his stories so far, has actually been writing for Matt Smith. Interestingly his Doctor seems a tad quieter than David Tennant, and quite a bit more mad. He's also less reliable (he leaves Amy for several years... TWICE, and once for entirely selfish reasons) and is shown to be capable of being a complete jerk. ("You're Scottish aren't you? Fry me something!!!") How these are going to balloon from here on will be interesting to see..

The story is done cleverly, within another "Take that!" of the Doctor being forced to solve a problem without the sonic screwdriver or TARDIS, as he continually points out. There's a slight cheat when you seems to use the superpower of Esper-vision in the park, but I'm in a charitable mood to forgive that - the computer virus idea is very clever and thankfully the 'corner of your eye' stuff to scare the little'uns isn't as clumsy as the "AIR PIRAHNAS IN THE SHADOWS!" bullshit. There are enough twists, involving the possessed coma patients and the Sentrassi (god is that their actual name? The eye-people anyway) to keep things interesting on a plot-based level between all the slick dialogue.

"Okay, Jared," you say wearily "You've fellated this episode long enough. Was there something that you DIDN'T like?"

As it happens - YES! I didn't like Roy. Assuming that's his name. But, erm, he kinda didn't do anything so it didn't matter much. Also I don't think we're meant to like him, the whole character came across as the 'villain' character from romantic comedies. You know, by which I mean the other boyfriends who are usually actually fiancées. Except he isn't one of the evil ones, just ones rendered evil by society for being complete users.

Oh, and the last scene went slightly too long.

No, really, that's it. Usually I'm nothing but a big bubbling ball of negativity, so this surprises me as well. So, I guess that means it has to be 10/10

Oh, yeah, there was yet another "Don't you know who the FUCK I am???" moment from the Doctor to the alien badguys. But it wasn't used to save the day. He gets a free pass on that one.

WHAT THOSE OTHER LOSERS SAID

Lawrence Miles response: You know, Avatar and Lord of the Rings are fucking infantile shit because they rely on CGI. HOW CAN ANYONE RESPECT THAT? What? Yes, I did say Revenge of the Sith was one of cinema's great classics, why do you bring this up? Anyway, I watched Spiderman 3 and it reminded me of going to the cinemas to watch porn in the 70s because it's so fucking Pavlovian! You couldn't put Matt Smith on top of Dudley Simpson! Because that would be gay, and besides you'd need a time machine. BLINK SUCKS!!! Moffat kicked sand into my face in the beach. Prick. STOP PARAPHRASING ME!!!

Sparacus response: This story is drivel. We are in agreement.

Snarktastic response: Why isn't Matt Smith mugging wildly for the camera and screaming individual words of dialogue for no apparent reason? Why isn't Matt Smith wildly exaggerating his facial expressions into bizarre contortions of nose and eye the way the Doctor ought to? Why isn't Matt Smith making his Doctor obnoxious and arrogant and insufferable by speaking in a superior, condescending way to all the human companions? The bit where Smith told the guy looking at porn to get a girlfriend was delivered with such an un-Doctorishly gentle touch; Tennant would have bellowed at him, snapping at him. Instead, Smith just sounds... nice and down-to-earth and genuinely caring. Tennant would never lower himself to that. Smith doesn't even sound like the Doctor; where is the needless and distracting overenunciation of every single syllable?

Android response to the above: I take it this is a stab at sarcasm, if it is maybe a little smilie at the end, as not everyone can tell if this for real or not.

Zygote with keyboard's response: hear we go matt smith not as good as tennant after one episode lol people really need to get real tennants first episode was slagged off by people aswell you cant please everybody and in my opinion tennant was no where near as good as tom baker and jon pertwee its all opinions im just glad to have doctor who on my screens its because of people like the whingers we here slagging people off the series goes off air becasue its deemed unsuccessfull i think you just need to enjoy the programme otherwise your kids are not gonna be able to enjoy the show like the rest of us are fortunate enough to

Family response Only major down part was the trailer and a general groan at Daleks and Cybermen appearance.

Larry Miles' fanbase response: A redheaded companion who back-talks the ER and runs out on her wedding? Could it be that Moffat is creating Donna Noble Mark 2 just to piss Larry off? I would approve, in this regard.

(With fans like that, who needs enemies?)

Arnold T Blumberg response: Hey arsehole, kissograms are actually real! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kissogram

ME: WHAT?????

Ewen Campion Clarke response: There's nothing remotely dodgy about a strange man creeping into a house in the middle of the night and spending a disturbing amount of time with a seven-year-old girl.

Charles Daniels response: In order to understand the 11th Hour, you need to understand, first and foremost
that Moffat is the Anti-Oliver Postgate. I first came to understand this while
drinking alco-pops and showing around my Clangers Annuals to passers by.

I would use these Clangers Annuals to entice people into a magical world of their imagination.
It was a great way to chat people up; because for the most part it failed miserably.
Yes, I was chatting up people in a deeply ineffective way.
Because I wasn't playing by the rules. Or more to the point I wasn't playing by
the standard rule book but had instead devised my own strategy.

(Read the entire post. It's bloody brilliant.)



* Contrary to unpopular belief I am Australian, as opposed to a 'humourously angry American"

Monday, April 5, 2010

Jared Reviews Sweet Fanny Adams!

The new Doctor Who is out. I have not seen it.

Remember the times when the presumption would be to have not seen a TV show broadcast hundreds of thousands of miles away, a mere hour or two after the fact? We were used to shows mysteriously not appearing on TV at all, such as Black Books series 3 (for a very recent example) or half the output of The Comic Strip Presents, when the only option to watch Blackadder and The New Statesman was to tune in, bleary eyed to Channel 7 at one in the morning, the 'sexy new time' for comedy that has perservered to make sure Arrested Development has never found an audience in the country outside of complete nerds like me.

We are in a different age now, entertainment travels at the speed of information, which as Terry Pratchett tells us is in fact faster than the speed of light. (Note: this is not actually true) My friend had the new episode. He was relentlessly telling me how good it was, to a degree I wanted him to stop. He told me I would have it, along with the new Ashes to Ashes, Stargate Universe and something else I have forgotten 'soon'. This was at 3:30 yesterday afternoon. It is currently 21 hours later and I do not have it, so there is some discrepancy between our definitions of the term, clearly.

It isn't so much that I'm such a spoilt prick that I can't stand to wait for stuff - in fact I like to ration out my TV shows for as long as possible rather than watch them all in one go - but when the promise is laid out so clearly I get pretty pissed off. It isn't even as if I asked for it - I was happy to wait until I saw him next, since I have borrowed BSG season 1 and Fascape season 1 from him (though Battlestar Galactica seems astonishingly crap going by the first 30 minutes... which seems to be utterly shit soft-core porn filmed on a spinning top)

I mentioned it to mum, see, and so she got excited to the point where she was more disappointed than me to the point we ended up watching Talons of Weng-Chiang which, surprisingly we don't do too often. Bugger this 'best Doctor ever' nonsense, there's no way he can beat Tom.

Anyway, the point is I HAVE NOTHING TO REVIEW! And I should. I was getting myself psyched to make unhelpfully snarky comments. Well, 'nothing' is a harsh term. I could review, say, the trailers, the wallpapers, Matt Smith's faintly horse-like visage, Amy Pond's arse, the rest of Children of Earth or the inordinate number of films I've watched recently (Green Zone, Moon, Superbad, Irreversible, Black Hawk Down) or the overrated dross that is True Blood.

Seriously - is there a running theme going through the world? People rave about a show, and I watch it to find it's a load of shit where people are constantly angrily bitching at one another and fucking with some tangential sci-fi references? The TB pilot was nothing but 'cute chick can read minds and falls in love with a vampire. Meanwhile soft-core sex scenes happen around her a lot'. People wonder why I like Blakes 7 - because it isn't that shit, that's why!

Anyway, let's pick something at random for me to rant about...

The Terminator

When people heard I had not seen this film in high school they were horrified. Which I found very funny because, hey, it's a fucking movie. The idea that not actually realising why occassionally some mental defective in my presence would grunt "Da Termunatah - bekoz I told ya too!" could possibly serve as a hindrance in my life was truly odd, yet these were the same people who were vehemently hostile at my refusal to watch Big Brother. Ironically, when they set out to prove how out of touch this made me all they did was ask me questions about the people in the house. Not only was this flawed, as, say, Sarah Marie (remember her?) glutinous having an extra maximus doesn't really equate to Robert Mugabe's presidency on terms of gravitas but furthermore I got every question right, because of the ludicrous media over-saturation. I never set out to know ANYTHING about BB, but rather absorbed by an unwilling and unhappy osmosis.

Much the same happened with Terminator's plotline. Who doesn't know the names John and Sarah Connor, T-800, T-1000, all that bullshit which is apparently one of the 'cleverest sci-fi plots out there' if you believe the drivellous shit I read on the IMDB.

I should perhaps qualify that my fellow students offered a qualification - 'not so much the first one, but Terminator 2.' I now understand why they said this... because The Terminator is complete balls.

The thing that amazed me about this film, as some teenager who is not even a shadow of the talent of Paddy Kingsland, mucks about on his synth while a shiny, naked Schwarzenegger strides up to some guys in home-made Mad Max costumes bizarrely fighting one another over the change to use a coin-operated telescope is that this is the type of film that rightfully belongs on a screen in front of Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. MST3K fodder at its finest, or worst depending on your point of view.

None of the dozens of eager glimpses into the nightmarish machine future are even briefly convincing - a series of Micro Machines are moved by strings through a Warhammer 40K gaming table. The sci-fi plot is clumsy, and imparted entirely through vast swathes of exposition that don't recieve the response they should from the characters, and there's similarly ham-fisted 'foreshadowing' - "Don't worry, in a hundred years nobody will care!" says Sarah's far-too-dumb-to-live fellow waitress, expressing a saying that has never ever existed.

Yes, the film is cheap - 6.5 million according to Wiki. But that is more expensive than any Doctor Who made in the 80s so why the hell can't it look as good as any Davison story? And I am serious. The people who mock the wobbling sets need to have a look at the pitiful cubicle the two cardboard cut-out detectives use, who complain about the small crowd scenes need to look at the way any other staff in the station only materialise when they need to get killed gruesomely, and at the aforementioned miniature shots hovering at just-above Robot level of sophistication, and the outrageously unconvincing stop-motion of the Terminator's tiresomely relentless 'exo-skeleton'. I guess all that money went into the one-and-a-half chase scenes and the exploding petrol tanker - money well spent? I'm not convinced when we have moustachioed dudes in bib and braces that look like they're from Super Mario Bros at best or a late 70s porno at worst.

Oh, and I forgot about that damned electric puppet-head of Arnie they use when he cuts his eye out. You though Zaphod's head in the Hitchhiker's TV series didn't look life-like? That was the fucking Beeb! What's these guy's excuse??? Especially seeing as this is a fucking effect you could have achieved much better with a little bit of prosthetics!

On the brightside, I understand so many parodies of brain-dead action movies - this was the type of thing they were talking about. Films completely unconcerned with any grasp on reality. On one of the few occassions were we see more than 2 extras in the police station there is media throng chasing the hero detective - bizarrely they are doing this in the heart of the offices, the type of area media would need a pass to do so and there are no policemen anywhere to even chaperone them. Thankfully, even though they have trespassed so far they are deterred at having a door closed in their collective faces and presumably hang around outside the door long enough for the D. to make a press conference right outside.

Similar oddity with Sarah's aforementioned retarded friend making a giant platter of sandwhiches for some sort of midnight post-coital banquet, she seems to carry to allow the plate to smash dramatically when her boyfriend is killed along with the walkman she uses to keep herself in complete ignorance of everything. Plus the usual minor details such as nobody remembering Schwarzenegger shooting up a bar, off-the-shelf Uzi submachine guns, and apparently unlimited ammunition in Rees' shotgun.

Plus a lethal cocktail of shithouse dialogue with some abhorrent acting from people I can only assume speak English as a 1.5th language. The policeman early on who is asked what the date is and responds "Tuesday. March. 26th." like a robot kept back in remedial class is an early highlight... this film becomes quite impossible to take seriously.

Ironically, the acting was probably the one saving grace in the three leads. Linda Hamilton just manages to turn a hackneyed damsel role with stilted dialogue into something halfway interesting and heroic, Michael Beihn is both vulnerable and strong and sympathetic as Rees and a strong counterpoint to the relentless killing machine, and Arnie is Arnie, which is just what the role requires. More films should have had him as an emotionless creature that stands around looking badass, as anything more truly stretches his capabilities.

Aside from that the film was mostly a comedy to me, with the final punchline being the kid from The Three Amigos showing up at the end, much to the bemusement of my fellow viewers who were not versed with that particular classic.

The film did make me put enough thought for how the hell Kyle Rees could possibly have not known for sure he wasn't John Connor's father, a twist that was hellza-easy to see coming...

REES: Man, it sure is lonely out here on Death Machine patrol. I'm glad John gave us all these hot photos of Sarah Connor.
SOLDIER 1: Say what?
REES: You know, those Sarah Connors pics he gave us... where's yours?
SOLDIER 2: Man, he didn't give us shit!
REES: Really?
SOLDIER 3: Yeah I didn't get no photo.
SOLDIER 4: Me niether.
REES: Wow.... am I the only guy?
SOLDIER 1: Looks that way.
REES: Isn't that fucking weird?
SOLDIER 3: It is weird.
SOLDIER 4: Pretty fucking weird...
(Pause)
REES: Am I meant to share the photo around, is that my job?
SOLDIER 3: So her tits are out in the photo?
REES: No... it's just she's a chick, you know. Why else would he give me a photo of her?


And so forth and so one.


After The Terminator had been shown the host declared that after seeing that film he HAD to put the second one on. I have to say, being an actually genuinely watchable film, Terminator 2 was quite dull for me to watch. I left before the end and didn't regard this as any sort of a big deal.