Wednesday, July 14, 2010

MEANWHILE on the Northern Beaches

DOCTOR: Jared... does it ever bother you that your life makes no sense?

JARED: What do you mean?

DOCTOR: Your job.

JARED: What about my job?

DOCTOR: You have no experience and only patchy qualifications. How did you get it?

JARED: I did the best storytelling read that they'd ever seen in a job interview.

DOCTOR: Oh. And your job involves reading stories to children?

JARED: No. Oh... I see what you're getting at...

DOCTOR: Also, you live in Sydney with no car.

JARED: I lent it to my brother.

DOCTOR: Why?

JARED: Because he wrote his other one off and lied about the fact afterwards.

DOCTOR: Okay. You realise that that's pretty retarded on your part, yes?

JARED: Definitely.

DOCTOR: And somehow, in the space of a fortnight, you earn yourself a profitable job with a Municipal Council and move into a beach house in Sydney. Practically OVERNIGHT. Your only skills and experience being excessive masturbation and bitching about sci-fi shows, some of which you haven't even SEEN.

JARED: Yes.

DOCTOR: And you think you're too busy to review my new adventures?

JARED: ... is that what this is about?

DOCTOR: Yes. Come on, I've had my best bloody year. What are you doing? NOTHING!

JARED: I'm working eight hours a day. And it's my first ever job!

DOCTOR: How many times do I have to tell you cloth-eared apes? Your job is irrelevant! You need to sieze the day, do what you love!

JARED: When I was doing nothing but updating my blog I was suffering sporadic depression. The clue's kind of in the name, in fact.

DOCTOR: Okay. Do something you love OR tell me how fantastic I am.

JARED: ... you're a bit of a dickhead.

DOCTOR: Yes. I am. That's my gimmick this time. The last bloke had short temper and tried to eat his own chin when he spoke. So I'm rude. You Antipodean twat.

JARED: I'm getting that. Where are Amy and Rory?

DOCTOR: Amy's been kidnapped by the Sposh of Naq'Toon and Rory's dead.

JARED: What, again?

DOCTOR: He'll be back.

JARED: So why are you here?

DOCTOR: I need to face my greatest nemesis..

JARED: Holy shit, The Master's in Dee Why?

DOCTOR: No. No he's dead for real this time after Sutekh punched him in the nads. I probably used the wrong term. Definitely not my GREATEST nemesis. More, sort of, my most pathetic - but my most irritating. By some margin.

JARED: Oh... the Raxicorricalfallapatorians, who keep irritatingly keep getting referred to as Slitheens out of context?

DOCTOR: No, but you've reinforced what I was talking about.

JARED: Wait... is it me?

DOCTOR: Yes. You and ever prat like you. Now come on, all you do is bitch that my adventures suck. THEN when there's one's you can't deny the quality of, what, you shut up shop?

JARED: Not deliberately. I've been busy, man.

DOCTOR: Oh, look at me! Mr Busy! What do you do exactly? What do you DO?

JARED: I scan boxes full of foreign language books into the library system and then distribute them between four branches.

DOCTOR: Oh, wow. THat sounds so difficult. To think just this morning I LOST MY BALLS TO A ROGUE JUDOON BOUNTY HUNTER WHEN CHASING DOWN THE NEXT EVOLUTION OF THE DRASHIGS!

JARED: Bloody hell.

DOCTOR: Luckily he preserved them in a pickle jar in the 51st century so River was able to re-attach them. Though the Selachian warship made things difficult.

JARED: I'm not sure if we can live by your standards.

DOCTOR: And why not?

JARED: Well... you're kind of fictitious, you know?

DOCTOR: And you aren't? You're 50% invented online persona!

JARED: Irrelevant point.

DOCTOR: What was that?

JARED: I pointed out that your point was irrelevant, and nitpicking... oh God.

DOCTOR: Aha, now you see. Why you're one of my many nemeses. You're a gestalt. When you stare into the abyss does the abyss not stare back into you?

JARED: Scandalous suggestion!

DOCTOR: Within you, is every aspect of every online user. Every hypocrisy. Every ridiculous theory. And oh so many rape jokes.

JARED: How can I expunge this evil?

DOCTOR: By updating your blog saying how awesome I am.

JARED: ... this makes very little sense...

DOCTOR: You think THIS makes little sense?

(A walrus falls on them)

JARED: Ow.

DOCTOR: Don't be a baby, it's mostly made of jelly. So, are we sorted?

JARED: I guess. Fuck me.

DOCTOR: Maybe later, still not worked out this body's sexuality.

JARED: You too, huh?

DOCTOR: Yup. Anyway.... ooh, I was going to say 'allonzee'. Can't do that, can I? Need to be original....

JARED: SKip to the end.

DOCTOR: Oh, alright...

4 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Hmmm.

You are very interesting. My therapy session pales in comparison.

Me: I am completely fucked.
They: ...yep. Looks like.

Actually I reviewed the finale ages ago, but I didn't want to post it before I'd reviewed all the niggling extraneous adventures...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Actually I reviewed the finale ages ago, but I didn't want to post it before I'd reviewed all the niggling extraneous adventures...

Yeah, well, the sleight was purely against my own laziness in reviewing the show. You've been doing good work, sir! Made me laugh a lot. I'm very much looking forward to what you have to say about the final eps..

Youth of Australia said...

Well, it's nice to know. Sometimes you wonder if the lack of response is down to any and all readers thinking the material is shite.

Lord of Misrule said...

HAHAHAHA love it. Jared hitting on the Doctor for carnal pleasures LOL