Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Preserved rants

That was the title I chose anyway, about ten minutes ago when I decided I was going to essentially blog about all the things that 'grind my gears' that I haven't mentioned over the past three months.... then I get on Blogger and I can't remember what any of them were. Am I losing my fucking mind? This was literally ten minutes ago! But I'll play this by ear....


Publicity for Robert Downey Junior's Sherlock Holmes: Yes, this is going back a bit, but come on. This film was quite a fun romp where they expanded on throwaway lines in the book about Holmes being a former amateur boxer and mastering some obscure form of Kung Fu just in case he needs to throw a criminal mastermind off a waterfall some day. Other than that, it was surprisingly faithful. Watson was still the real action man of the two while Holmes was an affectionately bumbling 'survival' hero, and it was just a matter of script writers conspiring to have shit blow up AROUND our heroes to get cool stuff to put in the trailer. The exact same move was pulled in Without a Clue in London, one of the best Holmes movies ever made.

But, saying "Hey, we're doing a Sherlock Holmes film" apparently isn't good enough, won't get enough attention. Instead the approach needs to be "Guy Ritchies is bitch-raping a beloved classic to make Lock, Stock and Four Orange Pips and there's nothing you motherfuckers can do about it!" This nearly put me OFF the film entirely, then it turned out to be quite good and made me recommend it to my mum who was regarding it as a war crime level offense from the trailers and other publicity.

This wasn't helped by the writer doing interviews, where he bragged about what an awesome job he did deviating from the usual means of adaptation... ignoring the fact he was doing what everyone else has been doing since Basil Rathbone. Oh, what's that? Watson isn't going to be a bumbling idiot? Good Lord! Oh, you're going to do an original story because most of the canon works involve Watson and Holmes visiting a series of drawing rooms until they have enough info to solve the case? Radical!

The film was faithful enough to even have suggestions of Holmes being a user (alluded to in the vaguest possible way, naturally, this coming from Hollywood), showed his 'master of disguise' routine and mentioned Watson's service in Afghanistan. Oh, and I like Irene Adler. The actress wasn't the best casting, but I don't believe any nationality was mentioned in the books. The only downside to the film really was the fact that it was set at a stage in their relationship when Watson was sick of Holmes' shit and felt the need to express this with every single line of dialogue...


Brief WTF tangent Okay, NineMSN is telling me that Katy Perry will appear in a live action segment of an upcoming Simpsons Christmas special performing with puppets of the main cast and will show her tits. This makes so little sense I'm going to assume that window of Internet Explorer is a hallucination.


Mad Larry How long since I went off about Mad Larry? I don't know, nobody reads this blog and I'm included in that. But seriously... is there anyone who takes him seriously at this point? For those keeping track he hates..

* The entire BBC books range
* Pretty much all Big Finish
* All Hollywood productions
* Every new DW ep not written by RTD, plus half of those ones
* Every DW ep written by Steven Moffat a second time over
* Sherlock, Jekyll, anything else written by Moffat
* Neil Gaiman and everything he's involved with seemingly on 'principal' of the fact Gaiman is able to pick up chicks.
* Simon Pegg
* Robin Hood
* The Tudors
* The Mighty Boosh
* Nigel Kneale
* The cast of Blakes 7
* coffee shops
* The Radio Times
* actually watching the episodes that he's reviewing

What are the few things he mentions as being beyond reproach?

* The original Star Wars trilogy
* The Star Wars prequel trilogy
* The Clangers
* His own work

... I mean, fucking really?


Alan Stevens Yes, the other guy who came onto my blog to slag me off. Possibly. I re-read his stuff the other day and it occurred to me an analysis of how poorly he attempted to argue anything is tempting, but I really can't be bothered. This is the guy who thinks the entire point of Doctor Who being broadcast was to tell us that a tokenistic gold-faced alien monster that appeared in 78 was God, after all.


Sky Television How can these guys keep announcing shit that doesn't happen? Why tell us you're making a new Blakes 7 when YOU HAVE NO MONEY? Did you even make anything over the course of those years? I got the distinct impression from the articles I read that you were maybe halfway through pre-production. WHY DID YOU ANNOUNCE IT???

On that matter... screw the people getting me excited over the idea of a film version of Bernard Cornwell's Azincourt. I heard a film version in the works... no. There's a script. You know how many decades there was a script for Hitchhiker's Guide? And much the same for the people getting me excited over a movie of David Wong's John Dies at the End, which in this case is actually the author himself... but, really he bought the rights and you put up a massive newstory and links to 'THe movie'? The rights to nearly everything are floating around, do you not know how this business works?


Girls on RSVP specifically the ones who send me the automated reply "I think you should read my profile more carefully" I ALWAYS read the profile all the way through. For this reason I dearly want a "Fuck you, you witless fucking harpy, I know more about you than you ever will, I have looked into the darkest corner of your soul and seen an obsidian heart that has felt not love, not hope nor any kiss of light in its existence, a heart that is hollow and pathetic and not worth my time. I bid you a miserable existence in wont of me" automated response I can send back.

This goes double for the ones who say this with a profile of "Oh hey im like ur averge gurl i like to party out night in with dvd lol i really lik having fun want too here from u boys!"

But then that does raise the question of why I'm attracted to halfwits....


The Dee Why Hotel bugger me sideways I haven't posted about that shithole. Okay, I haven't been to many clubs but this one is staggeringly bad. Terrible music playing as Dylan Moran would say at a volume to make the chairs bleed. In spite of this nearly inch of ground is occupied with massive tables, that are large enough for everyone to have a giant plate of food, in spite of the fact that they didn't seem to sell any meals. There also seemed to be a thoroughly enforced ban on single women in the premesis'. What better place to get stranded on a Friday night?

This blog entry Dear God I have trouble thinking of things to write. I mean that last entry could have been a lot stronger. I didn't even go into detail about chatting up that girl while her possibly-boyfriend-possibly-flatmate in a shirt two sizes too small danced like he was on E shouting loud nothings at her across the room..

It is fascinating that I still feel an odd duty to write here, though, even if it isn't the stuff I've specifically said I'm going to talk about..

Also I'm writing this on a laptop right now. And laptops are the reason I hate The Cleveland Show. See, there was a throwaway line in one ep about 'those guys who get cancer in their balls from using laptops all the time'. Now I can't use a laptop at all without thinking of that line. I swear I can feel the radiation leaking into those little guys right now...

HOW CAN I LIVE KNOWING I'M JUST ANOTHER HARVEY KRUMPET WAITING TO HAPPEN???

On that note, have a nice day.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I,m writing this on a an iPad

Oh wyes, how uncharacteristic of the new head of the Holy Order of Armed Luddite bastards to do, but apparently in my work I Need to stay up to date wih the evolutionary cull-de-sacs of technology . So here begins then this particularly typo-ridden entry tint the annals of my bolo rem .... Eeeerm blog.. Please stop predictive texting me Mr Jobs. Just stop.

So, when I am no longer being a pretentious wanker with remarkably non-useful technology when I'm meant to be working what can we looek forward to? well not altogether that much , brut her,s a sneak peek

! Jared turns himself into a cripple emotionally AND phsyically playing laser tag!

! Jad watches some old Doctor Who DVDs and bitches about Malcolm Hulke"s grasp of drama. Jared also does something similar.

! Jared finds himself to be cast in the role of Tim from THe Office by God!

! Tim From The Office finds himself cast in the part of Jared by a BETTER GOD in the New Sherlock Holmes!

! I fess up about having watched the Robert Downey Junior New Sherlock Holmes ... And qute liking it!

! I sit on my are and watch stile more TV!



......... Jared writes quite a long and effortlessly witty post, then proceeds to lose it all due to the fact that the iPad has a massively ineffectual touchscreen that believes that when I say "Pubslish post" I smear for it to DELETE EVERYTHING, Steve EJobs.... Yosu are without a doubt the weakest, most spineless dog ever to attach 1s and 0s together in semi meaningful clumsps. YOUD Mke me ME SICK!!!! DON,T EVER DESIGN A LAPTOP AGAIN!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAaH!!!!! DOUBLE THE FIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


... Oh, wait a minute, its still here.. This thing that just can't frigging scroll. Ah well... Back to our scheduled programming...

! I fuck up an annoying running gag by ceasing to refer to myself in the third person!

! I recount wanting to starting to write a suicidal blog entry about Internet dating literally minutes before it started to work!

! Jared conspires to cock-block his indefatigable Dutch housemate!

! Jared conspires to commit copyright infringement!

! Jared is wrongfully arrested and then ritually acquitted of child pornography charges. Wheile NAKED!

! Jared almost seems to subconsciously wish to be fired since he's typing this.... On. A work computer no loess!

! Jared stars in the most tepid film of this summer. Maybe!

! Jared fails to overcome writer,s block!

! Jared contemplates going into Young Adult writing because they'll clearly buy any old rubbish!

! Jared gets a haircut!

! Jared goes "ZOMG SGU COMING BSCK!"

! Jared notices that there has actually been a critically Fellated new series of Doctor Who and passes some form of unnecessary commentary riddled with needlessly lowbrow humor and homophobic slurs against Messrs All&