Tuesday, January 11, 2011

BANN"D

I've been kicked out of the sharehouse. I need a new home in a month. Those are the salient facts, and the remainder of this post may be significantly less salient because frankly, I'm pissed.

This not purely by design. I was given, unusually, some vodka for Christmas by my brother. I have no idea why. But tonight seemed as good a time as any to crack it open when I was invited for a drink, but the problem with me and alcohol is that I'm a goody-two-shoes. I never partook until I was of a legal age to do so. The problem with this, is you're left with a pressure to drink but a complete dearth of background knowledge, so when I make a screwdriver from HAMMER UND SICKEL mixed with budget breakfast juice, I have no idea what the proportions are.... save with the power of hindsight I am now applying.

That said, I didn't expect the conversation I got. Which was "We don't like you, we want you to fuck off" worded in a myriad of more flattering ways such as "It's clear to use that you're really not that happy here..." and other blatantly false bullshit. As I point out, I'm suicidally depressed. Where am I going to happy? On the bridge of the Millenium Fucking Falcon when it's been refit as a brothel?

The lies were so disgustingly transparent that for about ten minutes I felt no obligation to reply. I mean, really, what is the fucking point? I know what you're saying, you obviously know what you're saying, what is the value of me saying anything in response? Because of this I did nothing but drink in reply. And hence my brain cells were treated like Soviet peasants. Oh, how the typoes and vitriol flows!

To be fair to my Dutch lease-holder, he then made me join him for another drink so that we could part on more civil terms... which is nice to a point I suppose.


.... I don't know why I figured I'd be able to write a blog entry four sheets to the wind when I've been consistently unable to do it while sober throughout the entire year, but I'm in the middle of it now, aren't I? It turns out that my flow-of-consciousness style doesn't work well in concert with a steady intake of fermented vegetable roots designed to erode at the sensibilites of consciousness. If only I was a Doctor of Medicine I could have worked this out before hand.

The point is... I'm fucking depressed. I guess. In as much as there's a point to anything. I was hoping this would be a good year, what with me going into it with a job, a house, a purpose and new friends - now two of the four has been cruelly and suddenly cut away. What am I meant to think? When things are going well my mind still wanders to "Why don't I just slice them a little and see if THAT improves things?" for shits and giggles. Am I meant to take this as a sign everything else will be bettter?

My contract at work is up in the air. I have no idea where I could be going to live. I have no idea if I can get a job anywhere else.

...but really, the idea that *I* of the Holy Trinity of Complete Arseholes that has occupied this accursed ant-infested domicile is the worst is what wrankles the most. I get told I 'never do any work'. The knowledge that every single fucking fortnight that I cleaned the bathroom, every day that I did the washing up and drying, every time I hung out Simon's fucking washing counts for absolutely nothing, the times I bought ant poison and laid it, that I did the shopping, that I put my money into a party were for nothing and the money I could have saved by doing absolutely nothing during the time.

I mean, where's the award for being a selfless person when you get treated like a complete prick at the end of it all anyway? That's been the problem with the Universe. No fucking Karma.

God damnit, this is why I related to Salieri a frightening amount when I watched Amadeus. You act like a complete prick and you still get the glory. Ergo, I should strart poisoning people I don't like. Logic isn't always your friend, I guess, and especially so when you're drunk off your tits.

Wondering about what I do from here? Do I become the total cunt I'm meant to have been, or keep up my nice guy behaviour, even play it up? Definitely drawn to the former at the moment. I mean, what are they going to do? Kick me out of the house? Oh wait *SINISTER MAWFUCKING LAUGH*

Option c is murdering them all. I haven't been thinking about it that much, really. BUT his ex-girlfriend is co-holder of the lease so I'd get to see her again and she's pretty hot. Plus doesn't seem to mind me. What better conversation starter than "You know the guy who ripped out his spleen and fed it to him? I'm close to him. REAALLLLY CLOSE."

Never rely on the kindness of internet strangers. They're pricks.

7 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Rough.

I mean, you're welcome to crash at my place but (and you knew there was one, didn't you) I think it's too far from your workplace. At the very least the commute would be a bitch.

If I'm wrong though, then sure. Welcome to thine humble abode.

Sorry I can't be more help.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, that wasn't what I was angling for.... but in hindsight that was a terrible thing for me to put in the closing sentence. I like the OTHER people I know from the internet, obviously!

I seem to have neglected to mention also I've got a month to find somewhere else... and my contract at work won't necessarily get renewed and there's only a little over a month left. So I'm not even entirely sure if I need to find another place in Sydney right now...

The real thing that got me down about this is that I'm even worse at making friends then I thought...

Youth of Australia said...

Well, that wasn't what I was angling for....
I get that, but I couldn't think of another way to help.

but in hindsight that was a terrible thing for me to put in the closing sentence. I like the OTHER people I know from the internet, obviously!
Hey, it's cool
Loss of 6.5 pints of blood = mellow

I seem to have neglected to mention also I've got a month to find somewhere else...
Good to know you've got a potential bolthole anyway, though, right?

and my contract at work won't necessarily get renewed and there's only a little over a month left.
Well, here's hopping things work out.

So I'm not even entirely sure if I need to find another place in Sydney right now...
Ah. Well, no offense, I decided to act as worst case scenario in case the glimmers of hope were down to the booze rather than solid fact.

The real thing that got me down about this is that I'm even worse at making friends then I thought...
I know the feeling. Least they're not firing you, blacklisting you and threatening legal action, right? Or telling you that you personally are responsible for the collapse of business, loss of earnings, hungry employer's children and breaking the boss's leg...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Hey, it's cool
Loss of 6.5 pints of blood = mellow


Have definitely been getting that vibe. It's like when you saw Threads...

I decided to act as worst case scenario in case the glimmers of hope were down to the booze rather than solid fact.

Well, yes, and very appreciated. If my contract isn't renewed I might end up taking you up on the offer - Dulwich Hill is a much better commute than Cedar Brush Creek, that's for sure.

I know the feeling. Least they're not firing you, blacklisting you and threatening legal action, right? Or telling you that you personally are responsible for the collapse of business, loss of earnings, hungry employer's children and breaking the boss's leg...

I think it's backstory like this that makes Miles say we should podcast

Youth of Australia said...

Have definitely been getting that vibe. It's like when you saw Threads...
Well sort of. In reverse.

When I saw Threads I stumbled around town, struggling to cope with the fact the sky was blue, there were birds in trees and there weren't corpses lying everywhere staring at me.

Well, yes, and very appreciated. If my contract isn't renewed I might end up taking you up on the offer - Dulwich Hill is a much better commute than Cedar Brush Creek, that's for sure.
Well, long as you don't mind the sofa - or a mattress on the floor - you can drop round any time. We'd had far less respectable folk crash at the place...

I think it's backstory like this that makes Miles say we should podcast
What, like Ricky Gervais does?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

When I saw Threads I stumbled around town, struggling to cope with the fact the sky was blue, there were birds in trees and there weren't corpses lying everywhere staring at me.

Oh okay. And now you're like the guy from ... er, that Peter Weir film? You're just "I have stared into the face of death. You think YOU can scare me, oncoming traffic?" (the film I'm thinking of Dennis Quaid survives an airplane crash and no longer has fear. BUT I haven't actually seen the film, so... yeah...)

Well, long as you don't mind the sofa - or a mattress on the floor - you can drop round any time.

Awesome. It'll be like camping in a house!

What, like Ricky Gervais does?

Are you about to judge a medium by one person who uses it?


ON THE TOPIC OF RICKY GERVAIS... I didn't see the Extras Christmas special, but I DID look up on YouTube the Doctor Who scene out of curiosity and.... Jesus Christ. First question is, where the hell does Gervais get off in the first place writing a moronic slag off of a show he clearly hasn't seen any of for at least 29 years. Second question is, why does nobody pull him up on this - even down to David Tennant. Third, why the fuck does the director even FILM it in an identical sort of style to the old series with even worse production values? I though if ANYONE could make a Doctor Who pisstake that looked legit, it would be the BBC. Instead we get a warped vision of what somebody who clearly hasn't seen the new series imagines it would be like brought to life - I can't imagine anything more guaranteed to shatter the sense of reality in the show. David Tennant's dialogue was more like Colin Baker for Christ's sake...

Youth of Australia said...

Are you about to judge a medium by one person who uses it?
No, just he did those podcasts that were animated and put on SBS not so long ago...

ON THE TOPIC OF RICKY GERVAIS... I didn't see the Extras Christmas special,
You didn't miss much. Ebeneezer Scrooge meets Big Brother. Ricky Gervais is an asshole to everyone, cries a bit, then runs off with his girl-friend so he can be an even bigger asshole.

but I DID look up on YouTube the Doctor Who scene out of curiosity and.... Jesus Christ.
Yes, even RTD never considered doing a sequel to the Twin Dilemma.

First question is, where the hell does Gervais get off in the first place writing a moronic slag off of a show he clearly hasn't seen any of for at least 29 years.
Same place he does thinking his "When the Whistle Blows" sitcom of racism, homophobia and sexism would be the most popular comedy of all time, obviously.

"Izzy havin a larf?!" > Monty Python, apparently.

Second question is, why does nobody pull him up on this - even down to David Tennant.
I dunno. Maybe they thought getting him to dress up like a giant slug and then vomit yogurt everywhere balanced it out. After all, Gervais is the one that looks stupid in the scene rather than the Doctor or his salvo-army companion...

Plus, in the context of the special, RTD offers Gervais an acting gig ages ago. Gervais tells him to get stuffed for being "camp". Later, Gervais is so desperate for work he come crawling back - and ends up as Mestor's inbred bastard child who is instantly killed. Maybe RTD was having his revenge...

Third, why the fuck does the director even FILM it in an identical sort of style to the old series with even worse production values?
Because appearing in trash like Doctor Who shows you how desperate and compromised Gervais became.

Hotel Babylon gets worse.

I though if ANYONE could make a Doctor Who pisstake that looked legit, it would be the BBC.
You'd think if they were REALLY going to do an ep with Andy Millman in it, he'd be a celebrity cameo in a story about aliens invading the BBC...

Then again, maybe it is. Maybe the Doctor discovers that Andy Millman is one of many alien slugs clogging up the media for its own gratification and then tracks him down in a B-grade sci-fi porno show where he's playing the evil Schlong from Outer Space - and then kills him with lots of comedy technobabble from the same script...

...or maybe not.

Instead we get a warped vision of what somebody who clearly hasn't seen the new series imagines it would be like brought to life - I can't imagine anything more guaranteed to shatter the sense of reality in the show.
Well, I dunno if it's relevent but the same Xmas special has Gervais slagging off Catherine Tate who - at the time - had just been announced as Martha J's replacement.

David Tennant's dialogue was more like Colin Baker for Christ's sake...
Even down to 'disco dancing' agony acting when he gets zapped and leering at a dying enemy he'd just covered in acid.

Actually, it'd probably have been funnier if it WAS Colin Baker.

"I thought I'd be with David Tennant."
"Sorry mate, it's the Ten Doctors, you get what you're given."
"But why do I get him?"
"Him? Him? HIM?!? My dear Mr. Millman, you manifestly don't subscribe to Big Finish, do you?"
"What's this?"
"It's called 'Doctor Who and the Pirates' - listen to it, you might learn something about comedy. Or, indeed, anything."
"IZZE HAVING A LARF?!"
"...shut the fuck up, Millman."
"Thank you, Frobisher."