Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Not quite dead - thoughts from a scrambled brain

I'm doing alright, really. But I seem to have established my identity as one of the world's great pussies as it seems like my body reacted to a fortnight of commuting to Sydney from the Central Coast in much the same way as Frodo's did to his arduous journey through Mordor. Paradoxically every night I feel like sleeping at around 8, but end up going to bed around midnight.

I find driving a remarkably stressful activity. It was humourous that I was reading Hunter S. Thompson's incredible Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas at the same time, as I could see some parallels between our sociopathic behaviour. When driving every day, the sole expedient matter of importance becomes time. And therefore speed. For this reason you never, ever want to follow the Pacific Highway to the Wahroonga exit as people have continually been telling me to do. The road appears to have more traffic lights then there are grains of sand in the ocean (humourous slip - I'm leaving it in!) and nearly fucking destroyed my car. There's nothing like seeing 8 km distance on the GPS next to the next turn signal, and see this tick down by a matter of meters for the next half an hour to settle your frame of mind..

So to actually get home it's a matter of a rabbit warren of bad and good small jumbled roads through St Ives to Mt Colah, that it is an undying joy to navigate. Well, it's become straightforward enough now but there's always SOMEBODY who doesn't get the idea, that we should always endeavour to FUCKING MOVE. Road rage has always been surreal to me, as a passenger. But as a driver, it seems to be the ideal substitute for sanity. Every thought becomes absorbed in getting into the correct lane in time, overtaking this arsehole, what time is it, how many ks, speed up here, how much fuel - thousands of small anxieites piled on one another.

It probably doesn't help that it was only in this fortnight I discovered that my car is terribly uncomfortable to drive in. Oh, sure, it's perfect for a 25 minute jaunt to the train station or shops. But if you drive it for around 2 hours a day. EVERY day. Dear fucking God is it hellish. The seat doesn't sit upright unless you're some kind of reverse-hunchback, so I need to be leaning backwards. So I need to lean forward to check my mirrors, use the gearstick etc then lean back to be halfway comfortable all throughout the trip. By the end of the week my back was in agony, another little fire burning away at the cauldron my brain was in.

I need my iPod on at all times to anaesthetise the rage and stress, but it can only do so much. Hence the peculiar scene that could often be seen at the merging lane of Forest Way to Warringah Road, where a young man with his earbuds in sings like an angel in his car...

When the night, has come
And the land is dark
And the mooon is
AWWW COME ON YOU CUNT! YOU COULDA FUCKING GOT INTO THIS LANE 20 MINUTES AGO! I AM GONNA FUCKING RAPE YOU! I AM GONNA MEMORISE YOUR PLATES, HACK INTO THE POLICE SYSTEM, FIND YOUR FUCKING HOUSE AND I AM GONNA FUCKING RAPE YOU AND ANY WITNESSES YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!
Just as long as you stand
You stand by me
Oh darling, darliiiiin'...


I was most worried by two incidents in my last trans-coastline adventure. Firstly, the freeway - I'm going along at 115 in the slow lane, as I like it, and need to slow down because somebody is actually going slow. Fair enough, it happen- no wait, this guy is going really fucking slow. Really. Fucking. Slow. He's doing 50k. Why the fuck is he doing 50k. He could fucking kill me. Middle lane is fucking packed because people don't move back once they've overtaken. Not a single gap. I need to slow down to 50 too.

On the fucking freeway.

Good, there's a gap in the middle lane. There's some shitty range rover a few ks before me and then a solid wall of cars behind that. I can do this, I just need to accelerate like fuck. I get my car to 80/90 in a matter of seconds into the middle lane, right where I need it and at a position where I can actually get back to "Do this and you don't get killed" speed and get back into the slow lane soon ahead of that stupid truck doing 50 what an arsehole, best bit of drivi-

The fuck. Range rover beeped his horn at me. Shitty range rover beeped his horn.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!

I fucking floor it, soon I'm doing 160 and weaving between cars wildly, even though my exit is up in a matter of minutes, so I can catch up to those old farts in that range rover, just for the brief pleasure of screaming the absolute loudest tirade of abuse at them that my lungs are capable of, which given my voice is actually pretty fucking loud. Sadly, there was no witticism on this occassion. If you were to program a random word generator that used "Fuck" "Cunt" "Maggot" "You" "Arsehole" "fucking" "stooge" "arseclown" "the fuck" "what" "why" "where" "your dick" "belgium" and "grand rape reprobate" you would come up with something much better I assure you.

I was quite stunned at the violence and sheer insanity of my behaviour, even when I did it. This is why I question my sanity. That is not something I would sit down and decide to do. I mean, if that was part of the RTA test and option c) was "exceed the speed limit by 50 km/h in order to drive parallel to the vehicle and accuse him of being the worst human being since Chris Lillee" I would not be clicking c in a million years. It's fucking dangerous and stupid.

20 minutes later I nearly managed to drive through a red light but slammed on the brakes just in time to shear whatever rubber was left on my nearly-bald tires.

Then broke down crying.

That was now precisely two weeks ago... but it hangs over me. Am I unfit to drive? I don't know. It's possible. I definitely know I'm not the good driver that I thought I was. I'll probably be going to the Coast again this weekend and the prospect of the trip is something I'm silently dreading. The end of the journey is oh-so-rewarding. But to get there is 105 minutes of hell.


Other random thoughts:

* Working in a library as a young man is like getting a dozen-and-a-half surrogate mothers

* When I'm bored with the TV to myself I discover I like more shows than I thought. Miranda and Laid are quite entertaining.

* England you fuckers, you're not meant to win games! Stop it! Stop it right now!

* Ireland, though, you fucking rock!

* A fart never sounds louder than it does in the library

* There's a reason I hate posting about relationship stuff. A lot of reasons....

* A corollary to Clarke's law would be "Having enough IT knowledge is indistinguishable from being an accomplished sorcerer". In this case, 'enough IT knowledge' is 'enough to see the monitor isn't connected to the actual computer'. Yes, the bar is set low.

18 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Yay! You're still alive!

That's almost as cool as seeing Laid being filmed LITERALLY IN MY STREET (alas, I was all blood-lossy and wasn't able to admire the cinematic televisual feast of Gormless Boyfriend Walking Slowly Down The Street).

And Channel Gem cunningly gave the perfect entertainment for those still wired after the Mardis Gras on a Sunday Morning.

Bernard Cribbens in a gimp suit fighting Daleks in 2150AD!!

Your library thoughts are true and your road rage amuses me.

You'd be really cool to travel with, kind like a cross between Whitnail and Mephisto...

Cameron Mason said...

I just had a van try and force me into a rock wall on my way home this afternoon.

They won't be trying that with anyone ever again...

Cameron

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yay! You're still alive!

You too, huh? I still don't have much blog-mojo, though, as demonstrated by my inability to respond to your comment promptly...

That's almost as cool as seeing Laid being filmed LITERALLY IN MY STREET

Awesome! So the series is set around those parts? Or is it just menat to be "Sydney" and as vague as that...

alas, I was all blood-lossy and wasn't able to admire the cinematic televisual feast of Gormless Boyfriend Walking Slowly Down The Street

This gave me the mental image of you actually nearly-dying on the side of the street during the shot...

And Channel Gem cunningly gave the perfect entertainment for those still wired after the Mardis Gras on a Sunday Morning.

Bernard Cribbens in a gimp suit fighting Daleks in 2150AD!!


ZOMGWTFROFLMAOgasm. I thought that was banned from terrestrial television...

My mind was blown when I realised the Doctor briefly had the 'televisual feast' bloke from Fawlty Towers as a companion those years ago..

You'd be really cool to travel with, kind like a cross between Whitnail and Mephisto...

Aw, shucks. I like to think that I'd be able to control the inner beast better with an actual passenger though..


I just had a van try and force me into a rock wall on my way home this afternoon.

They won't be trying that with anyone ever again...


Good, good! Your hate has made you powerful...

Youth of Australia said...

Hmm. Blogger ate my comments.

What did I say?

Mmm. General felicitations, support for the crap you have to deal with, and some good news - BF are doing their own sequel to Robots of Death.

So Kaldor City is definitely not canon now. WHERE IS YOUR SUBTEXT NOW, PRIEST?!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh, I got your comments because I got the email notification. So thanks. Just remembered the reason WHY I hadn't responded was because I came here right afterwards and found the comment wasn't actually here. It was odd...

I'll be interested to see what BF does with Kaldor. I still think that Corpse Marker is decent enough for me to count it as canon. Yes, the "humans have somehow forgotten they have an ongoing history of Frankenstein-style robot revolts" plotlines is somewhat retarded. BUT.... it's fucking Chris Boucher. He can sell me on retarded storylines.

Youth of Australia said...

Indeed, he can, unlike Monsieur Gatiss who... terrifyingly... has a whole bunch of groupies writing into DWM to demand he run the show instead of Moffat.

I mean... I'm left feeling like Gwen at the end of Countryside, unable to comprehend this insanity.

Speaking of insanity, spara has announced his boycott of NuWho until Adam Rickitt is cast as the Twelfth Doctor.

Indeed.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Does that mean he won't be posting any more? Or is it even vaguely possible that he will be sticking to this boycott, for that matter?

Youth of Australia said...

Apparently he won't be watching any new episodes.

And, I doubt it. But between Mutie and the others abandoning him and the death of Nick Courtney, he's at his wits end...

Hehehehehe.

Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

Arco Chamber said...

Don't do it! He's a biblebashing nutter! AVOID!!!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Lol apparently a lucky escape... by me doing nothing.

Arco Chamber said...

The path of inaction always bears fruit...

How you holding up?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

If I'm honest, not too great. Started blogging about it last night but got tired/distracted. I'm losing my job in two weeks time. And my new household is annoying me. Weighing up whether to give the notice to my landlords...

Arco Chamber said...

Rough.

Anything I can do?

(Sorry, but my google account seems to be stuck like Yana's fob watch...)

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yeah... nothing I can really think of. I still like the idea of getting together and trying the podcast thing sometime, but I've been going home on the weekends because.. frankly I'm not enjoying being in Sydney much at the moment.

Of course I'll have plenty of free time soon enough...

Arco Chamber said...

OK...

In the meantime some cheery thoughts

- after following a parlimentary broadcast from the Liberal party with "The Dalek's Greatest Moments", the ABC has taken to referring to the libs as "a New Paradigm". Slightly suspicious, especially since they delayed the repeat of Vincent and the Doctor so it wouldn't be on right after the election and increase the suicide rate...

- Tom Baker has agreed to Big Finish, proper Big Finish, with stories with Leela, Romana I and K9

- Lucie Miller is dead. Not only did they kill her off, they made sure she was blind in one eye and had no legs when she died. This made me fear for a while we'd get "is Lucie Davros" theories, but no, the cow is dead

- the next BF is all about Sontarans.

- Moff has brought back the Cybermats

- that Strikeback saga was pretty good with Guy of Guisborne, Friar Tuck, Prince John and the dude from Teachers fighting in the holy land. The cliffhanger ending when Gizzy renamed himself "Tom Wallace" blew my narrow and pathetic mind

- Gizzy has now teamed up with Madame du Pompadour in Spooks

- apparently the rest of CB will be finished in the next few months. Someone played it to Big Finish and the sound designer immediately got a job! But no, don't worry about the poor writer...

- spara's keeping his absinence, which means that Chatham is pretty much dead. Even Tigermilk's foresaken it (and hasn't so much as posted there for three months)

- it's struck me it's been about four years since the B7 Audio Adventures and they still haven't released season two. Quality control or act of god? YOU decide

- Chris Lilley is taking another chance to show his staggering lack of talent. I mean, come on! Even people who like him must be getting sick of his endless "documentary about dragging up and being horrible in public". Say what you want about John Safran, he at least has variety... and he looks better in a frock...

- K9's spin off isn't quite as bad as I thought. It's actually pretty decent, a kind of cross between Blake's 7 and Round the Twist - a kid show where the hero is an amnesiac convicted assassin fighting a government that fake terrorist attacks, imprison refugees and are lead by a bastard with some truly sick sexual perversions (he likes underage school girls... lots of them...) I'm amazed they started with the sub-Power-Rangers shite. Basically anything that looked crap in trailers seemed jammed into the stories SPECIFICALLY for those trailers. Like K9 saying macho bullshit like "You life forms made a big mistake". He doesn't talk like that normally in the same episode, let alone series...

- the weather's quite nice at the moment.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Erm, who or what were the New Paradigm again? Afraid I've completely missed your reference for once..

Tom Baker has agreed to Big Finish, proper Big Finish, with stories with Leela, Romana I and K9

First reaction: YES!!!

Second reaction: Wait... Romana I?

Third reaction after a modicum of reflection: Oh. Yes. Romana I. That does make sense...

Is Lis Sladen too busy atm to do any SJS audios? It's odd that she's basically the most popular companion but BF haven't been able to use her with a Doctor...

Lucie Miller is dead

This is a good day. Also, I love the way that whenever there's a character with eye trouble, missing limbs or just something weird in their forehead people are talking about them being Davros.

DAVROS IS DAVROS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Where did this brain damaged idea come from? He's an ancient alien from an extinct race! We're told this explicitly when we first meet him! If he's any other character why does he not recognise the Doctor?? If they want some character who gets deformed to pretend to be Davros... it could be a cool story. But if it's Adam from Dalek doing it it will just make no fucking sense whatsoever. It needs to be somebody who actually knows who Davros is and would have a motivation for doing it...

Hmmm, maybe I could try to come up with a plot for a good 'fake Davros' story...

that Strikeback saga was pretty good with Guy of Guisborne, Friar Tuck, Prince John and the dude from Teachers fighting in the holy land.

Did not watch it, but it was the talk of the office. All the ladies agree Guy of Guisborne is much better looking than Robin and worth watching in anything. And apparently he had shirtless scenes.

apparently the rest of CB will be finished in the next few months

Sigh next few MONTHS? I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'd rather they spent a year-and-a-half in production then released them at weekly dates...

the next BF is all about Sontarans.

Lol, I misread this as 'Silurians' somehow, and my immediate reaction was "Who gives a fuck?" but SONTARANS! w00t!

Have I mentioned they're my favourite monsters? I do bang on about the Cybs but they're just my second faves...

spara's keeping his absinence, which means that Chatham is pretty much dead

Well.... good.

it's struck me it's been about four years since the B7 Audio Adventures and they still haven't released season two. Quality control or act of god? YOU decide

I don't think divine intervention is really necessary when absolutely nobody likes a product that has been put out...

Chris Lilley is taking another chance to show his staggering lack of talent.

I saw the ad, actually one of the things motivating me to attempt a blog post. Urrrrgh.

...thought I posted on FB but evidently I backed down because some of my friends are looking forward to it. (WHY?????) As far as I can see.... the Asian dude from WCBH but in drag, the punk kid from SHH but in offensive blackface, the twins from WCBH with no changes whatsoever, and for some reason he thinks that he can play a grandmother using nothing but a gray version of Ricky Gervais' curly wig from Extras.

I didn't see the K9 trailers. They sound bad, but nothing about the show itself sounded less than decent potential.

eWEN said...

My computer's stuffed, and I just got your text message.

HANG IN THERE!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!