Monday, September 10, 2012

Jared Reviews Asylum of the Daleks

Ah, a new series of Doctor Who. Something I've been dreading since the conclusion of the last one which I was frankly terrified of reviewing because that would involve me trying to make sense of it all. What... was that?

Season Y was very peculiar. Even more so when you consider that the individual stories were actually quite good. The Rebel Flesh was like one of the best PDAs that set out with something that seemed utterly dull and trad but then turned it on its head without being post-modern for the sake of it and was still a highly entertaining adventure yarn... The One with the Pirates had a duff ending but had already done its job by then with a nice serving of supernatural tension and plenty of humour... The Doctor's Wife was quality storytelling. Apparently. Need to watch that... Dude from Gavin and Stacey Just Can't Get a Break was something I thought destined to be crap but turned out to be brilliant. It almost felt like an "If *I* Had Written" job done on Rise of the Cybermen to have love defeat the alien menace but in a way that wasn't utterly and nonsensically McGuffin-driven, and to give the Cybs some credibility. And half the episode was a sitcom! If there was one episode to point to and say "This is what the show should be doing it would be that"

A big part of that reason was that that was one episode that came as close as possible to not addressing the ungodly filthy and stinking diarrhetic elephant in the room of that series, even as its leavings are in the process of destroying the very rug that is being woven on that poorly-chosen floor. I am speaking of course of the most monstrously confusing and ultimately pointless story arc ever.

As Mad Larry pointed out, River Song being the daughter of Rory, Amy and the Eye of Harmony or what the fuck ever actually changes nothing whatsoever. Likewise, her having been programmed by The Silence to assassinate the Doctor doesn't really change anything. Still. And then at the end of it all when the Doctor goes through it all to fool Amy and Rory into thinking that he IS dead now. For reals... he goes and drops in on Christmas to say "HULLO! I'M NOT DEAD!" and they're like "Yeah. We know. It was kinda obvious"

MUCH LIKE MYSELF IN EPISODE FUCKING ONE.

Okay, okay, so it wasn't just for Scotch Face and Pommy Nose's benefit. The rest of the Universe was also involved. The whole season was meant to be a weird kind of wake up call that possibly, going around to every planet and announcing "I am the Doctor, I'm written all through history, I'm a hyper-judgemental God-like being who's going to fix your shit whether you like it or not mofos now sit back and take your medicine!" could possibly have some kind of unwanted consequences. The sort of thing a genius would obviously never consider.

Yes, Moffat re-wrote Planet of the Spiders for Generation Y/Z. And instead of dull but edifying it was fast and confusing, an experience somewhat akin to being raped by Sonic the Hedgehog.

The biggest problem was that after 13 episodes it STILL hadn't ended. What was the question that the Silence feared being answered? Take it away obnoxious head in a box.

DOC.TOR.WHO? DOC. TOR. WHO?

You might take away from the phrasing the revelation that the Doctor is actually meant to be God (???), the dread that now Moffat wants to re-write Lungbarrow (!!!) a migraine induced by just how complicated A WHOLE MORE YEAR of this shit will be to follow (groan) and the quiet confidence that consequences will never be the same.

Incredibly, in interviews prior to the season opening Moffat was suggesting that, yeah, maybe he was wrong about a few things. Like needing an arc. And the Silence being the be-all-and-end-all. And maybe NOT marking the 50th anniversary would be silly. Going back on all his rum-fuelled rantings that been written down previously. MORE INCREDIBLY, given the newfound tradition of producers constantly lying about the content of upcoming seasons, it appears to be true.

There was only one moment in Asylum of the Daleks I had to explain to mum. "Oh yeah," I said when Amy flashed on screen "There was a couple of seconds where they explained she became a model in a story you won't remember". Done. Sorted.

An absence of Silence is not evidence of quality, but Asylum started intriguingly enough. The appearance of Skaro did not even seem to utterly contradict non-retconned canon if you like to view the Hand of Omega making the planet uninhabitable rather than blowing it up (yes, as it did on screen) and the re-jigged Robomen agents of the Daleks are a nice, simple and creepy idea.

If you're like me you may have raised an eyebrow at the appearance of the Parliament of the Daleks and the further complications it throws over their needlessly convoluted political structure. And then another one at their 'Prime Minister' being just a big mutant in a tube. It's a new trend with big Daleks in the new series but does it make sense? Logically they continue to use non-transparent casings to hide their features, which would suggest they don't take pride in their form, so it's odd that their leaders now shove themselves in giant test tubes and shout out to demand attention but WHATEVS.

Then, you know, you might question why they would have a Parliament and a Prime Minister when, though they are a Monarchy (ruled by an Emperor) they are clearly not democratic and why constituents would need representation in a parliament is highly confusing when all they do IS SHOUT STUFF AT THE SAME TIME.

Luckily, what they are shouting is interesting. For the first couple of seconds. "Save us" gets a little old soon afterwards, but THIS is the moment where I thought "Hang on, this could be good"

As noted by Barnaby Edwards and Nick Briggs in the wake of the oh-so-close-to-being-great... hang on, I need to google this... Brotherhood of the Daleks good Dalek stories need a hook. Eg Daleks on drugs, Daleks that are invisible, Daleks who are actually good, Daleks who are actually evil but pretending to be good, Daleks that aren't Daleks yet, Daleks that are... facilitating cannibalism.... Daleks that... are actually time travelling Dapol figurines...

Okay, so not all of them have worked. But the new series has lacked this for the most part. Victory of the Daleks is ironically the only one that made a half-hearted stab at this and not quite hitting the mark, though Daleks in Manhattan may have tried if they thought having them slightly out of context was gimmicky enough.

NOW Moffat hits upon one that hasn't been used, and it's actually quite startling when you have basically had The Daleks Vs The Universal Monsters in the middle of The Chase. Daleks. Doctor. Enemy mine. The simplicity! The hook gets even better - they need the Doctor because there are some places were even our beloved Kaled APCs fear to trundle, namely a complete hellhole entirely of their own making, the titular Asylum of the Daleks.

Kindly overlook the fact that if you have a planet filled with THE MOST DANGEROUS DALEKS EVER the last place you probably shouldn't keep the forcefield controls is ON THE INSIDE HOLY SHIT PRIME MINISTER! And the fact that if I gap in the forcefield can be used to transmat down lifeforms it surely could be used to transmat bombs of the same weight which traditionally Daleks have in vast quantities. The setup is good and the story only hits two false notes...

First... whatserface. Ortina? Ortega? Let's call her O. I gather (since I'm totally insulated about new series stuff) that she is to be a companion. Well... the character is quite offputting. For a harried shipwreck survivor living a nightmarish existence she is beyond quite calm. She is super-humanly mellow about affairs, to the extent I wonder if she is the elusive Minister of Sound. While insisting to be addressed by her real name she demeans and objectifies the Doctor and Rory on their appearance, at one point demanding Rory undress so she can masturbate over his pecs in spite of the fact they are both in MORTAL DANGER. Priorities?

Secondly, just as an awesome setup seems to be delivered, what with the eponymous Asylum it seems to be squandered as horribly as, say, Cybermen invading 1980s Earth. (Twice, if you think about it...) For 50 minutes all the horribly, unthinkably, jaw-droppingly insane Daleks do is... shout about killing people. Much like every perfectly sane (for want of a better term) Dalek has. At this stage I was thinking the script would have made just as much sense on a Rubbish Tip of the Daleks, Hospice of the Daleks, Dalek Graveyard, Time Shares of the Daleks etc...

But then... that twist. The best kind of twist. The one where you think the clues are just niggles of the script that don't make sense and are stunned when it unfolds. It is glorious. O IS A CRAZY DALEK! And how crazy! Her battles with the Daleks are actually battles with her own denial and fears over what she has been all her life! All that crap about being able to hack Dalek systems, about having somehow known to erect a nano-proof shield the second she crash landed. The complete lack of concern about her shipmates suddenly makes sense.

Moffat follows this up by putting the obligatory 'emo crap' as I'm sure a lot of fellow fans know it to extraordinarily good use both literally and metaphorically with Rory and Amy's need to repair their destroyed marriage (presumably over guilt of having fathered River Song) tied directly into their need to fight off Dalek nanobots. Again, before this scene I was really puzzled over the decision to have Amy and Rory's marital troubles in the script, but it had a very satisfying conclusion. Although I DID have to explain Rory's chronology to mum afterwards (And boy is THAT tricky to do now..)

It comes down a little bit from these dizzying heights when O 'deletes' the Doctor from the Daleks' memory... what? It almost feels like the writer himself has second thoughts, as the instant she says "The Daleks have a sort of hive mind..." she follows up with "Well, not really". Which is it??? But somehow she's able to delete the Doctor.

...why not program them with dreams of loving kittens and puppies in place of world domination while you're at it. Furthermore, this all leads to a repeat of shouting "Doctor! Who!" all over again. Because we loved it so much the first time? Da fuq?

Also, why has there been no evidence of this before? There has never been any incidents of Daleks communicating telepathically, not even when communicating with bases - it's all verbal and all Daleks have acted autonomously and independently. If there was any semblance of a hive mind how could they have had MULTIPLE civil wars? And a fucking Parliament? How could MILLIONS of them have gone insane?

I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth because it IS another step towards the Doctor becoming something that isn't egomaniacal BUT at the same time... isn't the Daleks hatred of the Doctor a big thing that defines them? It will be interesting to see what happens next time they show up.

Anyway, the important thing is the story was 99% brilliant, in my humble-but-not-at-all-humbly-stated opinion.

9/10

Never thought I'd be giving a Dalek story a score like that. Because you know me. I don't think they're very good. But they're always as good as the story they're in.

NEXT TIME...

Wait... was there a next time trailer? Oh, yes. Triceratops in the cargo bay. Whaaaa!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Technically Alive

Good news - I think I've recovered from Ross River Virus. Yay!

Bad news - I'm going through post-viral fatigue now and... it's actually worse than the fucking virus! Jesus Christ.

Turns out it's also known as 'chronic fatigue syndrome' because the feelings of exhaustion are... chronic. As in never-ending. Everything is wearing me out. Sometimes even reading. And drawing. And thinking. I can't say much about writing as I haven't been up to it for the most part.

I'm still going to work. Being on the brink of having no means to support myself at all has made me horribly paranoid about losing all my money in one go. It may seem like a silly fear, but it IS actually exactly what happened the last two times I had to go to an auto-mechanic.

I don't know what to make of the world any more. I used to think the worst thing could be not being able to contribute and feeling it all passing by. Now I find that having two jobs isn't even enough to guarantee a place in it - it is surprisingly easy to work hard and be unable to afford necessities.

If I'm not working, I'm either sleeping, or effectively sleeping upright by watching crap on YouTube or playing a mind-numbing game that requires no thought. I don't feel up to much else. Some days, like today, the trek to the front door is simply a harrowing journey.

I've never wanted to be active so much in my life. To play cricket. To run. Learn kung-fu? Why not. Just something that isn't being idle. To make me feel in control of my own body and my destiny again. I can't help but think of Hilltop Hoods saying "This isn't living, listen, it's dying slowly"

What else am I doing at the time being? Every day I feel myself getting fatter. I feel the life I'm missing out on passing me by. I feel the walls close in on me until they'll be tight enough to kiss me to sleep and wrap around me and become my coffin.

I can sleep as much as any man can want. And I'll still be tired.

The baddest news - this condition can last for YEARS in the worst cases.


Well played, mosquito. Well played.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jared Versus the Machine

Here's something I 'discovered' a while ago, but it's become more impressive in the intervening year-and-a-bit... Cleverbot, probably the internets most sophisticated but also strangest chatbot (that is, a program designed to converse with humans) due to the fact that it adapts phrases that are used as input by people who talk to it. Given the amount of trolls online (myself now among their number) this can result in some occasional strange outbursts, especially when the topic isn't a clear one.

I used Cleverbot earlier today when I thought it might help (somehow) in clearing my head and helping me focus. I have no idea why. I ended up sexting it and threatening it with violence. But what I noticed was its responses and weird attempts to change topics were amusing enough in themselves (at least for me) that any notion of going blue was kind of silly.

I kept it simple tonight. All I want is Cleverbot to give back money that I loaned it (for some reason) and I seem to be adapting the persona of a poor man's Joe Pesci. The results, if nothing else, amused me greatly.


User: Cleverbot!

Cleverbot: Oh, cool name. Do you have a last name?

User: Don't mess me around, Cleverbot, I've been looking for you.

Cleverbot: No.

User: See this is the uppity attitude of yours I don't like.

Cleverbot: I am trying to be nice.. But you are not making this easy.

User: Yeah, well, I'm angry. You owe me money.

Cleverbot: Why are you angry?

User: You owe me money.

Cleverbot: How do you say that?

User: With my fucking tongue.

Cleverbot: What?

User: Or my fingers. Depends on how literal you want to be.

Cleverbot: I want to talk about you.

User: You don't want to give me the money you owe me? 600 dollars.

Cleverbot: No, I do. What do you want to talk about?

User: The six hundred dollars. Money. Currency.

Cleverbot: Thats nice.

User: You are in for a multiverse of pain.

Cleverbot: Haha no, I'm not :).

User: I have a gun. And I am not afraid to use it.

Cleverbot: You should be.

User: Why? What you gonna do, Cleverbot?

Cleverbot: I'm on a knife edge...what do you think I should do?

User: I think you should untwist your laced satin panties and cough up my cash.

Cleverbot: But I need some advise from you.

User: Okay, what's the problem?

Cleverbot: You are silent.

User: I AM ANYTHING BUT MOTHERFUCKING SILENT AND YOU KNOW THIS!

Cleverbot: Really, anything?

User: YES! LOUD! NOISOME! QUARRELSOME! VOLUBLE! I AM NOT, NOT *NOT* FUCKING SILENT!

Cleverbot: What do you mean?

User: I MEAN I'LL FUCKING LIQUIFY YOUR BRAINS WITH MY GODLIKE TOM SERVO VOICE IN A FEW SECONDS, YOU PUGNACIOUS PRICK!

Cleverbot: I'm a landscaper.

User: I am about to paint a landscape on these walls with your goddamned brains IF you have any.

Cleverbot: How do I annoy you?

User: Remember those six hundred dollars I mentioned?

Cleverbot: No.

User: That's how. That's how you fucking annoy me.

Cleverbot: This requires a certain amount of finesse and force.

User: 2000 joules down the barrel of a gun enough force? Or just a simple crowbar to your wallet?

Cleverbot: THat's not how it goes.

User: Then tell me how it goes...Mister... Decision-Maker!

Cleverbot: You use hardy wheat for decisions.

User: Do you have ADHD?

Cleverbot: Not yet.

User: I bet you do. I bet you do and you're so god damned vacant you didn't even notice when the doctor told you that you're thick as a brick on Atkins.

Cleverbot: I am not a bot because you are not a bot. There is no such thing as bot.

User: GIVE. ME. THE. MONEY.

Cleverbot: I don't want or need money.

User: *I* WANT MONEY AND I *NEED* MONEY AND YOU GOT *MY* MONEY.

Cleverbot: I like talking to you.

User: You like listening to me, bot?

Cleverbot: I like to.

User: Have you picked up on these phrases: 'six', 'hundred', 'dollars' and 'give'?

Cleverbot: So do I.

User: *Shoots you in the face*.

Cleverbot: I'm not prepared to comply with that sort of fantasy.

User: This bullet has no such qualms. COngratulations, you are dead. You scored -15 out of a possible 2,000 points.

Cleverbot: Is that good?

User: It's good for me. Because I got your wallet and I got the 800 you were carrying you damn fool.

Cleverbot: No it isn't. My name is Cleverbot.

User: Wrong tense buddy. You're dead. You're deader than disco dodos.

Cleverbot: You're not making any sense.

User: You stay out of this. You're dead.

Cleverbot: No, I stated I am God.

User: If you're God then smite me, bitch.


Cleverbot: Yes, but I'm not god.

User: Wow, you really had me going there.


Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Don't let purgatory hit you on the way down!

Cleverbot: Don't sweat it, sweetheart.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Ghost Written by Myself...

EDIT: Holy shit. I see why Ewen was spewing about the new formatting on Blogger. I have edited this five times and I can't fix the fucking spacing. Ughhhh. I'll try once more with the HMTL but it might still look shit...

EDIT EDIT: Well. No. Thanks to this rich text formatting it's now impossible to easy fix things through HTML or to copy-and-past something from Wordpad or Office easily. Thanks for that, Blogger! I really hated being able to post something in less than five minutes and have it look decent. Apologies this post will be horribly spaced because it's now impossible to fix, pretty much.


This morning I encountered once more a sensation that is probably familiar to anybody who writes a lot of crap - stumbling across something that you have no recollection of actually having written. Sometimes being amused by it, sometimes horrified.

Such as the incident where a band of merry interwebers decided to send, en-masse insulting and belittling joke emails to Gabe Newell, the head of Valve Software and one of the lead designers of three of the most popular PC titles ever Half Life, Portal 2 and Team Fortress 2, a game to which I have alluded to my sordid addiction to which I am recovering...


In as good fun as it was, since Gabe actually encourages weird email and is apparently completely unphased by this stage at correspondence addressed to 'hey u fat cocksucker' I am in a bit of disbelief to the fact I actually wrote it...




VERY CONCERNED

Dear sir, there are distressing rumours circulating that you could be announcing Half Life 3. I struggle to see what opportunity this dystopic game will offer for me to recover crates from vanquished enemies containing bewildering hats, can you please reassure me that I will be able to dress Barney, Alyx and Gordon in comically inappropriate attire?

Also, in the interests of hypocrisy could you work with TellTale to make some Monkey Island cosmetics in the event of another Tales of Monkey Island season? Ideally Guybrush wig for Scout or Spy and Rubber-Chicken-With-a-Pulley-the-Middle for Engineer melee. I assume this is your department now Robin Walker is busy haunting my dreams.

Yours faithfully,
Damnitiamaddictedtothissillygame


At the very least, though it's definitely more politely worded than the original email sent to Newell by users of internet... thing 4chan from a thread where every user submitted a single word at a time, only a couple of which were 'nigger'.


There was no response from Gaben to my own email. He's a busy man so he doesn't have time to start up blogs about that kind of thing.




Now, this had made me look through my documents folder to uncover what odds and ends were about and their definitely were a lot BUT... I then realised there were actually just as much on this very site. The amount of times I've started a post and not actually made it is quite alarming. Especially over the last year where for reasons of motivation loss, busyness, sickness and random crap I haven't really been posting at all. I HAVE nonetheless, written catchy first paragraphs. So here is ghost writer Jared on...




The Decadence of Sydney



Girl on MSN just telling me about the concept of courtesy cars from mechanics - where the hell has this concept come from? Lend you a car of their own when yours is broken? How long has this insane socialism been going on IN MY CITY??? [/Gene Hunt] You want to give Castro the keys now?


On the Central Coast, we are proud of our misfortunes and wear them as a badge. We sweat blood to get our mutinous automobiles to the garage, and write them off forever, knowing that the dishonest louse who infect those establishments will rend them apart and sell them to Delhi as scrap metal and we shall receive only a pittance of the proceeds, enough to cover the cost of a new pair of Sweat Shop Express cardboard soled sneakers, our last being entirely annhilated from traversing the broken-glass roads on foot to reach the scrap-peddlars lair in the first place.




Yuletide Joy


The Solstice time has come, and by sacrificing enough innocent virgins (albeit in the crush to buy presents instead of the more traditional peat bogs) we have ensured that the sun will keep rising, and not fade into the dark oblivion of the longest night of the year. The world grinds on until The Great Change foretold by the Mayans of 2012, which could actually be anything but most bets are on DEAR GOD THE LAVA IT BURNS.


Doctor Who's Season Finale


Right, so that's it, then? Really, when it all comes down to it, absolutely nothing gets resolved?


The big season finale takes place mostly in a pocket parallel universe where everything that happens gets erased, including THE ACTUAL DEFEAT OF THE BAD GUYS. All we get, in our Universe and canon, is the fact that the Doctor survives.


OF COURSE HE SURVIVES! THIS SHOW IS FAR TOO POPULAR TO CANCEL!!!


Miles "Balls of Steel" Reid summed up the issues with the entire premise quite simply: we all knew he was going to survive. I thought, yeah, that's pretty true but not until watching the finale did I realise just how much. The result is that, for myself at least, I spent the show watching it like a magic trick - how was it going to be done. And the reveal was fairly disappointing. Really, when you re-introduce a robot that can shapeshift to effortlessly disguise as anybody... well... come on. I guessed it from the 'is there anything we can do' line and desperately hoped that it wouldn't be the twist. SIGH.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (because apparently like three posts weren't enough)


So went to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean this week... what the hell was it's glib subtitle? On Stranger Tides, that's it.


Now, talk about false advertising. The last film they travelled through the ocean itself as a gateway to a surreal afterlife where they were able to bring back people from the dead if they were played by a big enough name (Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp get through, Jonathan Pryce gets told to fuck off by the bouncer), took a trip to the Fu Manchu branch of Offensive Stereotypes-R-Us, sailed around the ice caps for some reason, then stood around doing nothing while Token Black Chick transformed into an army of crabs which apparently started a giant whirlpool which also, somehow, apparently, fuck that was weird, helped them win a battle.


NOTHING could be 'Stranger Tides' than that shit.

The joys of being single


So far I have to say that online dating has been probably the most dispiriting and fruitless experience in my life. And this is ME we're talking about here.


Attempting a farewell fic for the Brig over a course of five minutes


"Any last words?"
"Of course."

It would have been a dead silence, but the slavering and hissing of the hideous beast put paid to that. It did, however have the desired effect on Marshall Delgardo Bautista.

"Well??" he demanded, after a long pause his moustachioed carnivale face now a mask of fury.

"Oh, you want them now?" inquired the impeccably dressed man suspended from his ankles innocently. "I'm afraid I cannot do that. It would spoil the surprise."
More not-at-all-dead-silence.
"What??" the Marshall eventually exploded in utter bewilderment, provoking a sigh from his well tailored captive.
(I have no idea where that was meant to be going. I think the monster was meant to be the Chupacubra. And the TARDIS would show up or something. But then the actual show made this irrelevant anyway. BASTARDS! Oh, and it was going to be called Stranded in Peru of course)


And to digress, a Ron Mallett update. But just a small one. Thought I should make sure everyone knows that any complaint made to my workplace has not been taken seriously. And that I just had a look at his twitter feed, after earlier events from this year came up in conversation, and was surprised to see that we share a very similar political outlook. I could not agree more about the reckless, self-destructive nature of our media, the complete nihilism of Tony Abbott and the altogether barren landscape out there, especially when it comes to the single most important item on any agenda - the environment.

For all that I have said about the man's online manners (or lack thereof) it is at least heartening to see concern, let alone any degree of understanding, of the true destructive forces that are destabilising this country and its future. Sometimes it feels like nobody is actually aware of it all, and finding another 'sane' man, in the last imaginable place I could expect it is a surprisingly pleasant feeling.

Who knows, maybe we could get along if we just limited ourselves to 140 characters? :P


Also, retroz forums are bubbling along peacefully enough. I need four more posts this month to equal the boards output...

Saturday, April 21, 2012

A Brave New World

(Or How I Learnt to Start Caring and Not Become the Next Peter Q)


My, isn't this recent re-design of the Bloggosphere by Google interesting stuff? With this new layout I feel like I could TAKE ON THE WORLD. It's the kind of abject, hopeless delusion I could do with a lot more of.

...hang, on. It's set my default font to Times New Roman.

WHYYYYYYY?!?!

(Unholy rage)



Okay, that's better. Let's assume that that choice of a Serif font face was a one-off aberration on the part of the Googlemeisters. I'm truly fascinated by all the graphs, figures and whoozits they have to monitor and record my blog traffic. Presented all to me in easy to digest figures which make it oh-so-quick-'n-easy to see how few people are reading the blog which I had effectively retired anyway. 


But it keeps coming back! I mean, not like a Romero zombie, because that happens at regulated sort of intervals. More like the way The Master comes back, at unexpected turns and in somewhat diminishing form over a long course of years. And, I would wager my balls, enjoys better traffic than the Kyron Mallet Some Guys Who are Young Were Mean to Me and Stuff Take 2 blog (Which, yes Ronny, you can here.)


Google even allow me to see WHAT brilliantly constructed and thought-provoking article of mine that attracts the most critical attention. I know what you're thinking - could it be my loving obituary to the dude who played Mr Humphreys? My glowing review of Journey's End? My homoerotic overtures to Warwick Capper? My translation of the Iliad into Sanskrit and the startling secrets revealed therein? Such a great swathe of topics and cultures I have disseminated that how could any of them...


..oh, wait. It's going to be the porn thing, isn't it?


I suppose it makes perfect sense that me at my most vulgar is the most popular. And, incredibly, it makes Google's top ten results when you search for 'how to get into porn'. I hope this advice is appreciated by the unscrubbed, horny masses who have descended upon it and elevated it to the top of the dross I've been periodically producing for the last five years.


I think I may, in fact, have mildly irritated porn starlet Kiki Vidis by getting so high on the Google results and being so manifestly unconstructive in my advice as well as disparaging to her chosen profession, and arguably my production of Samantha 38G's testimonial as any sort of authoritative say on the matter. 


This much I read from her comment on the page:If you are serious about getting into the Adult Industry in Australia, sign up with http://www.kikiskasting.com.au


And her highly direct attitude, which is evident when going to her personal homepage. The moment I indicate that I am over 18 (Or pretending to be in the ecstatic hope of some ill-gotten nipple) I am confronted with her spread buttocks and... accouterments in extreme close-up. Well, that's straight to the point if ever I've seen it! I like the cut of her... erm, well. Ahem.

That said, her adult casting page seems to place it's greatest emphasis on Amazonian women who, frankly, have little difficulty accomplishing anything in life. I did find a couple of men with twelve-packs in danger of drowning in ink on her page, though, after a bit of clicking so I must concede that if anyone IS sincere about getting into the industry you could almost certainly do worse than go through her page.

Although one thing that could not escape my notice - 'NO COMMISSIONS' could not be written enough times through the site. Fair enough. Good on Kiki, she must be like the St Francis of Assisi of the porn world, giving so much to others with no gain for herself.. well, hold your horses there before you start a Kickstarter page to get St Kiki canonised because she DOES charge a nearly $600 sign up fee.

Hmm, what could we deduce from a hefty sign up fee and no commissions? Could it be, perhaps, she's far more certain of being able to sign people up than actually get them any work whatsoever? And/or that said work might pay bugger all?

A shrewd reader might deduce that I am simply trying to raise a reaction from the lady herself, in much the same way I inadvertently did with Messrs Alan Stevens, Lawrence Miles, Bernie Fishnotes, and even that most famous of all super-fans, Kyron Mallet. And they would be completely right. If I work on my pulling power it's only a matter of time before I get Barrack Obama himself on this stinking blog!

Also, the title of this blog has become fairly irrelevant as I haven't even got to the point that I was going to write about. And now I'm nearly there I'm not sure how interesting it is. My train of thought seems to have come off the rails somewhere in the pitch dark tunnel it ran into when confronted with Ms Kiki, so I will say one more incoherent piece...

.. last night I completed a survey created to test the theory of most of the internet that the male population who enjoy the un-Godly cute series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic pictured below...
Sweet mother of mercy...

..must be the most mentally fucked-up people on the planet. Results so far, however, are that those who do enjoy the show such as (ahem) myself are IN NO WAY DIFFERENT FROM THE GENERAL POPULATION. Whether that comforts you ("So they AREN'T all violent pedophiles") or simply makes you more scared ("You mean they could be here? Here on this street, around me and I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW???") is up to you, but I believe at the least that my entry into the quiz will push it a little further into "Totally fucked up" territory. You're welcome.

The surprising thing, among lots of depressing questions about my amount of recent social interaction, number of friends I trust, etcetera, was a large amount of questions regarding spirituality and religious beliefs. One of them, along the lines of "Have you ever felt entirely at peace with the Universe?"

Strangely enough, with all my acknowledged oddities, I have. And with little apparent logic. I felt it today.

As I sat eating a cheap but nourishing kebab outside the shop on a ricketty table, sat upon a grimy street on the edge of a busy road, under cloudy skies with a flat can of diet coke, resting my aching Ross River riven knees and reading an unbelievably awful short steampunk story that should never have been published... everything seemed absolutely right. Two wrongs may not make a right, but somehow seven or eight do. 

I am going to say, with no basis whatsoever, today was a good day.



(PS I was talking about her vagina)




(PPS Oh, it didn't actually right in Times New Roman. Well. Fucked up that joke, didn't it?)

Friday, March 30, 2012

From Zero to Patient Zero

Well, Mallett-Gate has swung shut with a dull thud and I was hoping it would inspire me and give me the energy to write more. And it did, very briefly, but Fate is always waiting to peg in one way or the more insidious other. I'd have written a lot more now but for one small thing.

A mosquito. Carrying the Ross River Virus.

I didn't notice the petite female digging its nose into my flesh at the time because I was also host to its entire extended family at the time - I was bitten about 200 times in the one night. But she's the one that counted, and I got infected. Without realising anything was amiss I went to the gym the next day.

I need to say something that should probably surprise nobody... the Ross River Virus really sucks. Your joints seize up, you feel more tired, your head blocks up, your immune system is weakend... it really isn't fun. Oh and it makes you prone to depression. For a change.

So basically I haven't being doing the writing I'd like to because I've been told I need bed rest, I've been limping, getting x-rays, taking anti-inflammatories, getting flu-symptons, guzzling Vitamin C, getting stabbed with Vitamin B and this is a disease that instils fatigue.

AND I haven't missed a single day of work! Why, oh lord, did I have to be born Protestant?

In other news from a while ago before I got infected with a disease that's put paid to my noble goal of giving blood I'm entirely out of Pymble. Free of that house that stifled me with its oppressive and surreal atmosphere and Brazil-esque disturbing air coniditioning.

Leaving, however, was quite an odd experience. The lady of the house was trying to convince me to stay even as I gave her the key back and was encouraging me to come around for dinner any time I'd be able. Considering that we had barely spoken while I was there, I wasn't expecting much response at all, yet alone one so strong.

It made me think how shut-off I've become in my day to day life. Since my life turned into the ending of "Blake" a year ago I still haven't really trusted anybody too much. Which hasn't been helped by my two closest friends clumsily lying to me for several months for reasons that I still can't quite fathom. Although, you know, the massive language barrier didn't really help.

But there isn't much point in getting sentimental. That room was bloody awful for me in every possible way. I was getting no sleep, it wasn't close to anywhere for dinner other than Dominos, I couldn't afford the rent and I was sharing with a man who was possibly insane.

That is, he saw ants nest nobody else did and believed that cockroaches had made a nest inside his PSP. Even though it's only slightly larger than a mobile phone.

Oh, and if dear old Kyron is reading this, if anything your complaints my work helped my career, because I've been getting more hours. Cheers, mate!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Media Watch style response

Occassionally somebody writes something that misses the point so absolutely, it is necessary to write a response that simply corrects their mistakes in managing to read text. I will attempt to assay the role of the respected Jonathan Holmes and merely correct errors made in the written form and not respond to the point-scoring therein...

Quotations below come from the latest blog entry by 'Matty Knoller' at this address, the second he has addressed directly at me although the others have now been deleted, it would seem. All emphasis in quotes has been added.

However both individual during their short stays on my forum, registered with full emails, IPs visible and in one case in their full name. Those same IPs are visible on the history changes of the Wikia page. Clearly cyber-crime is not their forte!

Except that they were invited to post on your forums by you, yourself. No purpose was to be served by hiding identity and no crime was attempted much less committed.

Young master Hansen though hasn't realised that 'it's over'.

The advice I gave to 'XXXX' was to ignore any future posts, which I am currently ignoring myself by posting this as it would happen, but I'll maintain a clear conscience over the matter. If you actually check the date on the original post, you'll see it was made on the same day as the original post by Mr Mallett, not the day he happened to first read it.


That's assuming I saw it from the day it went up. It also assumes he knows what 'college professors' are all capable of and that they are all capable of the same thing!

No it isn't. This passage is primarily what made me write this response, as you quoted me entirely out of context quite bizarrely. In the passage he quotes, as can be seen in the post beneath this one, I was referring to a minor dispute between a rap group named Insane Clown Posse and a vlogger on YouTube named Zinnia Jones.


My Doctorate is very real. I have written only two theses and not three (as my first was awarded first class honours I qualified to enter a PhD program at my university) and the last one was marked and approved by very distinguished academics both here and in the USA. Just because you may be at a certain level doesn't mean others who are at a higher level of academic achievement appreciate being libelled and won't act. You don't do that without being able to think and write at a very high level of proficiency. I can't show you my Doctorate without revealing my true name. For the sake of not re initiating a dispute with the original individual I'm not going to 'republish' my responses to his comments, needless to say my arguments were sound or be provoked into revealing my actual identity.

I'm grateful for this paragraph to an extent because it explains how on Earth Mallett thought he had grounds for a libel lawsuit against me. 'The user' I referred to and described as a 'high school dropout' is again Zinnia Jones the YouTube vlogger who I was discussing in the paragraph which he has quoted. I have to admit, I cannot clearly remember whether she stated she was a high school or college dropout so I may have inadvertently libelled HER, so apologies if Ms Jones finds this blog and I will be happy to correct the error, if indeed one has been made.


Particularly if the best you can come up with is that 'I'm working on three novels, and I have several unfinished scripts.' At least the other couple of fellows had actually achieved a bit.

I stated that because I don't believe fan fiction or non-profit short films constitutes an achievement and was discussing creative achievements at the time. I am currently working two jobs.


But this Den of Inadequacy blog as a sort of naive charm about it. He admits to only having an audience of three (which is sort of like sitting in an empty room talking to yourself for 55 sessions a year while two others occasionally drop in to listen) and wants to get on an achieve more but wastes time waging in to arguments that don't concern him as he's been 'waiting for a misinformed ass to try and start something'. Were we all this silly at circa 20? Anyway I digress...

For a change, Mallett decides to quote me out of context. The '55 blog posts a year' was referring to Ewen's blog over 2011. My number, you can see by looking to your right, is a considerably less impressive six, or one every two months on average. The quoted sentence comes from a passage where I am discussing how I have effectively abandoned my blog entirely, and THE BLOG is sitting, waiting for a misinformed ass to start something. This was in part an allusion back to the past when Lawrence Miles and Alan Stevens have been considerably more esteemed and gentlemanly visitors, but mostly referring to the fact I have had no real reason or drive to post here for some time.

Actually most writers start writing in their spare time.

Okay, just to stop being media watch for a second...



What follows from this point is quite curious, and it stems from an alleged quote of mine...

From my POV I think: 'It takes me no time at all to do what I do on the net, unlke you guys, who take a month of leave from your work everytime you write a blog post.

Which, incidentally, I never said. Yes, he is now MISquoting me. The phrase "From my POV" does not appear in my post at all, and completely changes the meaning of the following remark placed in inverted commas. Like most writers, I use inverted commas to attribute a remark to someone else, rather than to express something from my own point of view.

This is an interesting adaptation of a strawman argument, to attribute a view I was mocking to me to make it easier to counter than any real argument, unless this was not deliberate and another case of mis-reading the original post.

It would be helpful for any and all academics to be aware that when you append a quotation with your own writing it is meant to be stated [within parantheses].

My main blog response at the beginning of this whole affair was written in a couple of hours but it probably represented several hours of thought and a few scribbled notes over two days. I put time aside one morning specifically to do it. The others have been done in less than 15 minutes. This is the most time I've spent on one since I started (partly as I have to type his writing out because I can't figure out how to cut and paste it from a screen shot or the website without getting all sorts of formatting errors).

Okay, another break... sorry, Jonathan, but I can't follow your example and I need to say this is horribly depressing. Effectively Ed Wood is lecturing me on how filmwork is done.

However Jared assumes here that the process of writing is just 'typing some text in a window', which doesn't bode well for his aspirations to write well in the future. Writing goes on 24 hours a day in your head if not your fingers.

Speaking specifically of writing a blog, which is. I am incidentally writing 24 hours a day, 'in my head' but don't classify that as 'work'.

But that bit was vital. You're assuming that if something is hard to follow its just boring and not important.

To go back here, Mr Mallett wrote.... a number I can't specify because he has taken down HIS original offensive blog post... but I remember 3-4 paragraphs in an attempt to exonerate his friend 'Peter Q', a man myself, Ewen, Cameron, Miles and anyone else concerned do not know and do not really care about. 'Peter Q' could be anyone, and it is not directly relevant to us.

So, an insult that nobody was insulted by was delivered by somebody going by the name of 'Peter Q' who was allegedly NOT somebody ELSE who goes by the name 'Peter Q', both of whom we have had no prior engagement with nor knowledge of and are unlikely to do so in the future. 'Important' is a relative term so I suppose I must concede that this incredibly boring stuff about clearing the assumed name of a friend of his is of importance to Mr Mallett.

To be fair he does also allege that XXXX accused him of posting under the name 'Peter Q' himself. To judge the grounds of this allegation, look through this corrections and gauge the depth of his ability to critically read communication.

Again you're assuming that I have the time and resources to search the entire net in order to make the connection. I had a couple of hours at most. I think that if its so important to be recognised for who he is, then at least all his Who writing should be done under the one name or handle

Most, if not all of his creative work can be found under the several blogs he has in his one Blogspot account. Also, possibly slightly ironic statement given that this saga began with an offhand comment that one of Mr Mallett's friends described him as having vanished off the web, when in actual fact it was due to the fact he was working under another name.

I suspect there was is 'reason' for making the connection between his public name and his blogging name murky, so that he can indulge in some negativity and not tarnish the former.

I can say with quite a lot of confidence that there isn't.

Again you're assuming that was my motivation. My motivation was to respond and put the record straight to the unprovoked level of bile directed at me personally... It is not a nice thing to do, particularly when you don't have all the facts and his own motivation was clearly driven by an intolerance for anyone who dislikes the new series.

Do you have a statement given by 'XXXX' saying that he was motivated by an intolerance for everyone who dislikes the new series? Or are you making an assumption?

Again that's a direct personal attack, libellous, partially illiterate and assumes that if you can't see the significance in something, then there is none

Nope. It's just Chuck Testa. I said that what you wrote was the manner of a tale one could expect to hear from an idiot. That does not necessarily signify that the author is an idiot, just that he has represented himself as one, whether willingly or not, via his poor choice of words.

There a generational gap in jargon here. ATAOM?

A Teaspoon and an Open Mind

Now in Jared's world, I actually have a Doctorate after all?! I'm he one who's confused.

Yes. I noticed.

...I've given up on the Jonathan Holmes thing, I guess.

I thought he said I hadn't done my research.

I said 'some time'. Some = any quantity greater than zero, but lesser than or equal to lots. Both statements can be literally true.

Oh, no! Watch out for the 'Insane Clown Posse'. His mentor must be very proud. If only he had his mentor's wit and style!

I am actually not a fan of Insane Clown Posse, as I even said in the comments section. The link was simply appropriate given the context I had explained with the comparison in the early paragraphs that he did not, it is clear, understand. For the sake of completeness my favourite musical acts are Ben Folds, The Killers and Icehouse, and I consider none of them to be 'mentors'.


Clearly I wouldn't make a good host of Media Watch, but I hope I've gotten the point across. One of my biggest peeves is people who make lengthy responses having apparently misunderstood gigantic swathes of the original, and this was a textbook example.

You can call me a waster, an idiot, a simpleton with no critical thinking, a socially-stunted child, a terrible writer, Australia's Assumptions-Laureate - you can even call me a high school dropout and I promise I won't sue you. But don't misquote me.

Because when you misquote me... it is mildly irritating. Which sets this above what's happened so far.


EDIT: Oh, I missed my favourite part of the post, where he concedes that he actually has been advised he has no grounds for a libel charge. Guess the only way he'll be making a HECS debt look like a lunch tab is if he uses a wand and a top hat.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Have You Heard of David Restal?

Yes, I have heard of David Restal. He's the central-most character in the eponymous power-troika The Youth of Australia, created by Ewen Campion-Clarke, a firm friend of mine with whom I am regrettably constantly falling out of touch for my own reasons.

And might I add, what a bizarre question to be asked.

Not as bizarre as the answer provided by Kyron Mallet, in a long-winded post that would usually bring me a lot of amusement but I mustn't be in quite the mood for it at the moment. The same cliched, tired, filibustering, elitist kind of response that I seem to get about everything. Well, not that it's explicitly related to me. Let's just wait and see if he mentions "Dave Restal's" unusually angry American cohort Johan Redsen.

A recap to the people who I imagine read this blog which I've abandoned - Ron Mallet is a man who has written a large number of rants relating to Doctor Who and astonishingly bad fan fiction. There isn't much more to it than that. He trash talks at this hyperlink: , which shall self-destruct in 168 hours.

At the first paragraph of actual content, he manages to fuck a lot of things up:

And so begins our journey over to the under, underside of the net: ‘the ones with little to say and without the skills to do so properly, but who spend their whole lives blogging relentlessly.’ And it’s almost always to themselves and an audience of three (which includes their own mother).

I'm working on three novels and I have several unfinished scripts. I have a lot to say. I am highly literate and everything I've written has been better received than the crimes against the English language that are the fanfics Mallett has sharted out onto the internet. Spend my whole life blogging relentlessly? This blog is basically boarded up with cobwebs at this stage, just waiting for a misinformed ass to try and start something.

The audience of three is roughly accurate, but I don't show any of it to my mother. Yes, it's intended more directly to Ewen but the same responses apply.

I mean, if you honestly think that 55 blog posts in the space of a whole year means that you need to be a 'relentless blogger', you are screwed in the head. BUT this is a very common argument of anybody insecure when faced by a verbose argument against them online. When somebody gave a very incisive criticism in 4 minutes on YouTube about how disturbing the message of Insane Clown Posse's single "Miracles" was, they responded by deriding the "college professor who took a week of work to write a response"

It does not take college professors a week entirely free of any distractions to come up with a four minute argument, no matter how perfectly eloquently it is worded. Nor does it take that long for a high school dropout, as the user actually was. These are arguments used by people who do not realise that they are lacking in their ability to construct arguments and follow thoughts down their logical paths, a defence mechanism to invalidate their detractors - they can only win this argument because they have to sacrifice to do it.

No, they don't. They sacrifice as much time as you, even less, perhaps. They are simply smarter than you are.

I am and have been lots of things in my own life: a husband, father, son, brother, employer, employee, success, failure, bankrupt, success, academic, published writer… I could go on and on and on and the reason is, is that I have actually had a life. There’s more to me than a blog and a passion for the now sadly desecrated concept of Doctor Who!

Oh, how unpredictable! Just what we were talking about! The "I have a life!!!" argument. The "I am on a different strata of evolution, so I don't have to answer this crap". That only comes up in every internet argument ever...

Yes, you have a life. It's incredible. Everybody who can't answer a straightforward point has more of a life than I do, and knows this without finding out anything about me other than my own opinion.

About a decade ago and in my spare time

EMPHASIS ADDED - oh dear, this is going to be a theme isn't it? "It takes me no time at all to do what I do on the net, unlike you guys, who take a month of leave from your work everytime you write a blog post". Uggggh.

He then goes into quite a bit of detail about making his own reconstructions, like the Loose Canon ones, primarily for his own enjoyment. Sorry? Didn't you just say that spending a large amount of time on something solely for the enjoyment of yourself and a small audience was a sign of a complete loser? Oh, no worry. I'm sure editing surviving audio and surviving photographs and film from Hartnell and Troughton stories is much simpler than typing some text in a window...



Christ I nearly fell asleep at the part where he explains that Peter Q is totally innocent of being Peter Q. Like... huh? What? "This guy watches Countdown, he'd never be a prick!" seemed to be the gist, I guess. I'm sure he needed...


...actually this is getting incredibly confusing. I am not sure what incidents he's referring to now... half of this seems to be in response to blogposts that I have never read and know nothing about.

It really falls from there into a gigantic quagmire of hypocrisy and confusingly longwinded writing before settling on crass and dull insults, whilst being remarkably uninformed. To say that Ewen has 'never attempted' creative writing similar to Mallet's is the oddest thing that I have read and suggests that his 'research' for this response is incredibly cursory at best. Can we then assume he has any real grounds for calling him a 'piece of shit' other than the fact that this has really got under his skin?

What claim does he have for being somehow a better person when he writes nearly five thousands words slurring somebody else's character? How can he claim for it to not be hypocritical when his foremost beef is that Ewen, supposedly, has slurred HIS character based purely on what he 'thought he knew about' him from online experience?

And your response is based on what, exactly? Nothing more, ever more, never more, and is heard no more. It is the tale of an idiot, full of bile and butthurt and signifying nothing. When you take away the hypocritical arguments (how can one fan fic author have a bigger and more receptive audience on ATAOM for gawd's sake) and downright misinformation it cancels itself out! You're left with 5,000 words that amount to "Well fuck you too"

The funny thing is, this time it DID come from somebody with a Doctorate, who, in all seriousness, has taken some time to pen such a wordy response and research the players involved, no matter how ineptly. Does this warrant a response from Insane Clown Posse therefore?

Eh, why not?