Sunday, May 6, 2012

Ghost Written by Myself...

EDIT: Holy shit. I see why Ewen was spewing about the new formatting on Blogger. I have edited this five times and I can't fix the fucking spacing. Ughhhh. I'll try once more with the HMTL but it might still look shit...

EDIT EDIT: Well. No. Thanks to this rich text formatting it's now impossible to easy fix things through HTML or to copy-and-past something from Wordpad or Office easily. Thanks for that, Blogger! I really hated being able to post something in less than five minutes and have it look decent. Apologies this post will be horribly spaced because it's now impossible to fix, pretty much.


This morning I encountered once more a sensation that is probably familiar to anybody who writes a lot of crap - stumbling across something that you have no recollection of actually having written. Sometimes being amused by it, sometimes horrified.

Such as the incident where a band of merry interwebers decided to send, en-masse insulting and belittling joke emails to Gabe Newell, the head of Valve Software and one of the lead designers of three of the most popular PC titles ever Half Life, Portal 2 and Team Fortress 2, a game to which I have alluded to my sordid addiction to which I am recovering...


In as good fun as it was, since Gabe actually encourages weird email and is apparently completely unphased by this stage at correspondence addressed to 'hey u fat cocksucker' I am in a bit of disbelief to the fact I actually wrote it...




VERY CONCERNED

Dear sir, there are distressing rumours circulating that you could be announcing Half Life 3. I struggle to see what opportunity this dystopic game will offer for me to recover crates from vanquished enemies containing bewildering hats, can you please reassure me that I will be able to dress Barney, Alyx and Gordon in comically inappropriate attire?

Also, in the interests of hypocrisy could you work with TellTale to make some Monkey Island cosmetics in the event of another Tales of Monkey Island season? Ideally Guybrush wig for Scout or Spy and Rubber-Chicken-With-a-Pulley-the-Middle for Engineer melee. I assume this is your department now Robin Walker is busy haunting my dreams.

Yours faithfully,
Damnitiamaddictedtothissillygame


At the very least, though it's definitely more politely worded than the original email sent to Newell by users of internet... thing 4chan from a thread where every user submitted a single word at a time, only a couple of which were 'nigger'.


There was no response from Gaben to my own email. He's a busy man so he doesn't have time to start up blogs about that kind of thing.




Now, this had made me look through my documents folder to uncover what odds and ends were about and their definitely were a lot BUT... I then realised there were actually just as much on this very site. The amount of times I've started a post and not actually made it is quite alarming. Especially over the last year where for reasons of motivation loss, busyness, sickness and random crap I haven't really been posting at all. I HAVE nonetheless, written catchy first paragraphs. So here is ghost writer Jared on...




The Decadence of Sydney



Girl on MSN just telling me about the concept of courtesy cars from mechanics - where the hell has this concept come from? Lend you a car of their own when yours is broken? How long has this insane socialism been going on IN MY CITY??? [/Gene Hunt] You want to give Castro the keys now?


On the Central Coast, we are proud of our misfortunes and wear them as a badge. We sweat blood to get our mutinous automobiles to the garage, and write them off forever, knowing that the dishonest louse who infect those establishments will rend them apart and sell them to Delhi as scrap metal and we shall receive only a pittance of the proceeds, enough to cover the cost of a new pair of Sweat Shop Express cardboard soled sneakers, our last being entirely annhilated from traversing the broken-glass roads on foot to reach the scrap-peddlars lair in the first place.




Yuletide Joy


The Solstice time has come, and by sacrificing enough innocent virgins (albeit in the crush to buy presents instead of the more traditional peat bogs) we have ensured that the sun will keep rising, and not fade into the dark oblivion of the longest night of the year. The world grinds on until The Great Change foretold by the Mayans of 2012, which could actually be anything but most bets are on DEAR GOD THE LAVA IT BURNS.


Doctor Who's Season Finale


Right, so that's it, then? Really, when it all comes down to it, absolutely nothing gets resolved?


The big season finale takes place mostly in a pocket parallel universe where everything that happens gets erased, including THE ACTUAL DEFEAT OF THE BAD GUYS. All we get, in our Universe and canon, is the fact that the Doctor survives.


OF COURSE HE SURVIVES! THIS SHOW IS FAR TOO POPULAR TO CANCEL!!!


Miles "Balls of Steel" Reid summed up the issues with the entire premise quite simply: we all knew he was going to survive. I thought, yeah, that's pretty true but not until watching the finale did I realise just how much. The result is that, for myself at least, I spent the show watching it like a magic trick - how was it going to be done. And the reveal was fairly disappointing. Really, when you re-introduce a robot that can shapeshift to effortlessly disguise as anybody... well... come on. I guessed it from the 'is there anything we can do' line and desperately hoped that it wouldn't be the twist. SIGH.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (because apparently like three posts weren't enough)


So went to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean this week... what the hell was it's glib subtitle? On Stranger Tides, that's it.


Now, talk about false advertising. The last film they travelled through the ocean itself as a gateway to a surreal afterlife where they were able to bring back people from the dead if they were played by a big enough name (Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp get through, Jonathan Pryce gets told to fuck off by the bouncer), took a trip to the Fu Manchu branch of Offensive Stereotypes-R-Us, sailed around the ice caps for some reason, then stood around doing nothing while Token Black Chick transformed into an army of crabs which apparently started a giant whirlpool which also, somehow, apparently, fuck that was weird, helped them win a battle.


NOTHING could be 'Stranger Tides' than that shit.

The joys of being single


So far I have to say that online dating has been probably the most dispiriting and fruitless experience in my life. And this is ME we're talking about here.


Attempting a farewell fic for the Brig over a course of five minutes


"Any last words?"
"Of course."

It would have been a dead silence, but the slavering and hissing of the hideous beast put paid to that. It did, however have the desired effect on Marshall Delgardo Bautista.

"Well??" he demanded, after a long pause his moustachioed carnivale face now a mask of fury.

"Oh, you want them now?" inquired the impeccably dressed man suspended from his ankles innocently. "I'm afraid I cannot do that. It would spoil the surprise."
More not-at-all-dead-silence.
"What??" the Marshall eventually exploded in utter bewilderment, provoking a sigh from his well tailored captive.
(I have no idea where that was meant to be going. I think the monster was meant to be the Chupacubra. And the TARDIS would show up or something. But then the actual show made this irrelevant anyway. BASTARDS! Oh, and it was going to be called Stranded in Peru of course)


And to digress, a Ron Mallett update. But just a small one. Thought I should make sure everyone knows that any complaint made to my workplace has not been taken seriously. And that I just had a look at his twitter feed, after earlier events from this year came up in conversation, and was surprised to see that we share a very similar political outlook. I could not agree more about the reckless, self-destructive nature of our media, the complete nihilism of Tony Abbott and the altogether barren landscape out there, especially when it comes to the single most important item on any agenda - the environment.

For all that I have said about the man's online manners (or lack thereof) it is at least heartening to see concern, let alone any degree of understanding, of the true destructive forces that are destabilising this country and its future. Sometimes it feels like nobody is actually aware of it all, and finding another 'sane' man, in the last imaginable place I could expect it is a surprisingly pleasant feeling.

Who knows, maybe we could get along if we just limited ourselves to 140 characters? :P


Also, retroz forums are bubbling along peacefully enough. I need four more posts this month to equal the boards output...

9 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Ah, awesome. A blogpost from you cheers the world up immensely, especially as I've been scraping rock bottom at present.

Is it wierd that this wierd new format actually PUTS ME OFF writing anything. It kills the buzz and I end up not doing anything.

Plus I did all my "random crap off my computer posts" and since then I've been going between writing short stories (the Rani and the Tetraps in WW2 France!!!, and the Master's really embarrassing funeral) and working on that B7 music video - halfway through Games, and realizing I barely gave Rescue and Power any time at all, but it's too much hassle to edit...

Anyway, loved it. Gene Hunt, the Christmas message, abusive emails, farewell to the Brig, and trying to see the positive in He Who Dare Not Be Named.

As for 4 more posts...

- could always review something? Some movies or TV, hell the adventures of Nigel Verkoff

- how's your health going?

- do you have any perspective on the imminent federal budget?

- finish Attack of the Cybermen in record short time (I recently got good reviews for Twin Dilemma, and the same people are entering Season 22 and could be conned into reading it)

And, um, er... well, one of my animals is pissing in the kitchen area. We were really worried at the idea one of them might be having renal troubles, but it just turns out they're being total assholes and pissing there for kicks rather than any feebleness.

So. Yeah.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Is it wierd that this wierd new format actually PUTS ME OFF writing anything.

Well since I ranted about it, I'll say not at all. I see where they were coming from, to make it just like MS Word which [nearly] everyone uses. But it isn't very compatible with copying-and-pasting and it makes the HMTL editing which I often use when Compose Mode isn't co-operating basically impossible..

- could always review something? Some movies or TV, hell the adventures of Nigel Verkoff

Well I've written a sketch that doubles as a review of sorts of Dirk Gently..

how's your health going?

Actually not great. There could well be something there to write.

- do you have any perspective on the imminent federal budget?

Not in particular - as with most things the government is doing I think policy so far seems to be quietly effective if not headline grabbing. All cuts announced thus far are reasonable - I mean, if Defense can't spend 28 billion dollars effectively that tells me they shouldn't be receiving it.

The surplus is a damp squib that doesn't count for much, but a miniscule one will do the job that a big one will and it's not going to break the bank.

All that said, if you're getting financial advice from me... stop. I'm not great with... money stuff.

- finish Attack of the Cybermen in record short time (I recently got good reviews for Twin Dilemma, and the same people are entering Season 22 and could be conned into reading it)

Yeah I do need to get back on that... there are so many things that I'm [not physically] writing at the moment..

And, um, er... well, one of my animals is pissing in the kitchen area. We were really worried at the idea one of them might be having renal troubles, but it just turns out they're being total assholes and pissing there for kicks rather than any feebleness.

For some reason this made me imagine your vet as the Keeper of Traken crying "EVIL! EEEEVIL! PURE EVIL!" as you bring the cat in...

Youth of Australia said...

Well since I ranted about it, I'll say not at all.
Oh good. I just assumed I was another non-target demographic.

Well I've written a sketch that doubles as a review of sorts of Dirk Gently..
Cool.

Actually not great. There could well be something there to write.
If it's any consolation, I've spent the weekend sick for the second time in a row. This diet is obviously destroying my immune system, or making me a more viable target for viral infections.

All that said, if you're getting financial advice from me... stop. I'm not great with... money stuff.
Yeah, but you're great in every other way.

Yeah I do need to get back on that... there are so many things that I'm [not physically] writing at the moment..
Preaching to the converts, bud.

For some reason this made me imagine your vet as the Keeper of Traken crying "EVIL! EEEEVIL! PURE EVIL!" as you bring the cat in...
Yeah.

Yeah, that basically is what happened back in 98. One of our kittens, a calico called Zathras, had renal failure. When my mum got home, we rushed him to the vets but he died before we got through the front door. The vet pretty much let rip that we didn't care for our animals properly, etc, etc.

However, this vet was unaware we'd been in the previous week with my cat Jacko who did a Sam Tyler impression and needed his mofoing SKULL rebuilt amongst other things. We'd just spent 700 bucks fixing a cat rather than having him put down - this kind of makes us legends in the vetinary circle.

So, as this vet is laying into us, Jacko wakes up, hears us, and starts crying. The vet realizes who we are and the humiliating backdown that followed was right out of Fawlty Towers.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Cool.

I just need to type it sometime..

If it's any consolation, I've spent the weekend sick for the second time in a row. This diet is obviously destroying my immune system, or making me a more viable target for viral infections.

Well, that's bad news. I don't suppose the endocrinologist is being less dick-ish about it?

Yeah, but you're great in every other way.

Awww thanks. Do you have any thoughts about politics at the moment? I don't think we've discussed it since Kevin 11 days..

Yeah, that basically is what happened back in 98.

Sorry to hear that, man. You have animals you whole life you get to find out the wide number of ways that they can die.

So, as this vet is laying into us, Jacko wakes up, hears us, and starts crying. The vet realizes who we are and the humiliating backdown that followed was right out of Fawlty Towers.

It's nice when the insult and the justice come within the same space of time...

Youth of Australia said...

Well, that's bad news. I don't suppose the endocrinologist is being less dick-ish about it?
Don't see her that often - and, frankly, I can pay for humiliating abuse from women in King's Cross if that was what I was into...

Awww thanks. Do you have any thoughts about politics at the moment? I don't think we've discussed it since Kevin 11 days..
Well, that was the last time this thing called "stability" was around. It seems like I could give chapter and verse on Bob Brown and - bugger, he's gone.

Sorry to hear that, man. You have animals you whole life you get to find out the wide number of ways that they can die.
Yeah. In a way, it wasn't too bad - we had a shitload of kittens born in a short space of time, so it was impossible to get too attached. And Zathras didn't suffer for more than a day, which is a consolation.

Course, I now realize the cats I have now I've had for a decade. I honestly don't know how I'd cope to lose them...

It's nice when the insult and the justice come within the same space of time...
Yeah. No story arc, just INSTANT AND LETHAL KARMA!!!!

*ahem*

Yes. Quite so.

Oh, and sorry for not sending you all four eps of Dirk Gently. I didn't realize the BBC were going to spend MONEY and assumed they would include the pilot episode, rather than starting with episode two about the CIA and brain tumors.

Darn.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, that was the last time this thing called "stability" was around. It seems like I could give chapter and verse on Bob Brown and - bugger, he's gone.

Yeah I went right off Bob Brown when he blocked the ETS for not going far enough - that was the most disastrous thing the Greens have ever done and set us back years.

But, with a bit of distance from it, you see that was one decision over a career lasting four decades. During which he built the entire political party. Everything he and the community had with the Greens at the moment was due to him, and after such a long and great career... well, he's allowed to fuck up and make a dumb decision. It doesn't make him any less of a man or tarnish what he achieved.

Oh, and sorry for not sending you all four eps of Dirk Gently. I didn't realize the BBC were going to spend MONEY and assumed they would include the pilot episode, rather than starting with episode two about the CIA and brain tumors.

No problem. I'm downloading the pilot now anyway.

Youth of Australia said...

Yeah I went right off Bob Brown when he blocked the ETS for not going far enough - that was the most disastrous thing the Greens have ever done and set us back years.
Yes. It reminded me of the guy who shot Batman's parents - hmm, you don't want to give me a cheap pearl necklace... I KILL YOU ALL!!!

How EXACTLY did that help?!

It doesn't make him any less of a man or tarnish what he achieved.
Alas, there are those desperate to fix that...

No problem. I'm downloading the pilot now anyway.
I take it, then, you kinda dug it?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yes. It reminded me of the guy who shot Batman's parents - hmm, you don't want to give me a cheap pearl necklace... I KILL YOU ALL!!!

Hehe. I hadn't thought of it like that before. But at the same time it isn't really unknown for people to get killed in muggings..

Alas, there are those desperate to fix that...

Well, yes. But there's nothing to stop the carbon tax now, and if the electorate actually live with it in place they'll see it isn't disastrous. Also, there's no way Abbott can dismantle it without destroying the budget and so if he commits to surplus AND his ridiculous policies along with demolishing the ALPs reforms, the funding cuts elsewhere will be absolutely colossal and there's no way his government would see more than one term.

You can call me crazy but I don't even think he'll win the election, in spite of the media feeding frenzy.

No problem. I'm downloading the pilot now anyway.

I take it, then, you kinda dug it?

Yeah. I'm not in love with it but it's solid viewing that's also pretty easy on the mind.

Youth of Australia said...

Hehe. I hadn't thought of it like that before. But at the same time it isn't really unknown for people to get killed in muggings..
Well, maybe you have to see the original it was very much "Oh, shit, I just realized something's good on TV! If these monumentally rich and powerful people don't immediately give me their costume jewelry which can easily be traced, then I'll shoot them all in this public place in front of at least one witness... FOR THE EVULZ!!!!"

Also, there's no way Abbott can dismantle it without destroying the budget and so if he commits to surplus AND his ridiculous policies along with demolishing the ALPs reforms, the funding cuts elsewhere will be absolutely colossal and there's no way his government would see more than one term.
Mmmm. I hope Ron doesn't find out we have a common political ground, he might kill himself in shame...

You can call me crazy but I don't even think he'll win the election, in spite of the media feeding frenzy.
I think Big Kim Beazley has a better chance. Mind you, Harold Holt is in with a shot...

Yeah. I'm not in love with it but it's solid viewing that's also pretty easy on the mind.
I didn't find it easy, but I watched them on my phone (well, LISTENED in one case) and I ended up surprisingly confused.

Certainly it beats late era Jonathon Creek...