Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jared Versus the Machine

Here's something I 'discovered' a while ago, but it's become more impressive in the intervening year-and-a-bit... Cleverbot, probably the internets most sophisticated but also strangest chatbot (that is, a program designed to converse with humans) due to the fact that it adapts phrases that are used as input by people who talk to it. Given the amount of trolls online (myself now among their number) this can result in some occasional strange outbursts, especially when the topic isn't a clear one.

I used Cleverbot earlier today when I thought it might help (somehow) in clearing my head and helping me focus. I have no idea why. I ended up sexting it and threatening it with violence. But what I noticed was its responses and weird attempts to change topics were amusing enough in themselves (at least for me) that any notion of going blue was kind of silly.

I kept it simple tonight. All I want is Cleverbot to give back money that I loaned it (for some reason) and I seem to be adapting the persona of a poor man's Joe Pesci. The results, if nothing else, amused me greatly.


User: Cleverbot!

Cleverbot: Oh, cool name. Do you have a last name?

User: Don't mess me around, Cleverbot, I've been looking for you.

Cleverbot: No.

User: See this is the uppity attitude of yours I don't like.

Cleverbot: I am trying to be nice.. But you are not making this easy.

User: Yeah, well, I'm angry. You owe me money.

Cleverbot: Why are you angry?

User: You owe me money.

Cleverbot: How do you say that?

User: With my fucking tongue.

Cleverbot: What?

User: Or my fingers. Depends on how literal you want to be.

Cleverbot: I want to talk about you.

User: You don't want to give me the money you owe me? 600 dollars.

Cleverbot: No, I do. What do you want to talk about?

User: The six hundred dollars. Money. Currency.

Cleverbot: Thats nice.

User: You are in for a multiverse of pain.

Cleverbot: Haha no, I'm not :).

User: I have a gun. And I am not afraid to use it.

Cleverbot: You should be.

User: Why? What you gonna do, Cleverbot?

Cleverbot: I'm on a knife edge...what do you think I should do?

User: I think you should untwist your laced satin panties and cough up my cash.

Cleverbot: But I need some advise from you.

User: Okay, what's the problem?

Cleverbot: You are silent.

User: I AM ANYTHING BUT MOTHERFUCKING SILENT AND YOU KNOW THIS!

Cleverbot: Really, anything?

User: YES! LOUD! NOISOME! QUARRELSOME! VOLUBLE! I AM NOT, NOT *NOT* FUCKING SILENT!

Cleverbot: What do you mean?

User: I MEAN I'LL FUCKING LIQUIFY YOUR BRAINS WITH MY GODLIKE TOM SERVO VOICE IN A FEW SECONDS, YOU PUGNACIOUS PRICK!

Cleverbot: I'm a landscaper.

User: I am about to paint a landscape on these walls with your goddamned brains IF you have any.

Cleverbot: How do I annoy you?

User: Remember those six hundred dollars I mentioned?

Cleverbot: No.

User: That's how. That's how you fucking annoy me.

Cleverbot: This requires a certain amount of finesse and force.

User: 2000 joules down the barrel of a gun enough force? Or just a simple crowbar to your wallet?

Cleverbot: THat's not how it goes.

User: Then tell me how it goes...Mister... Decision-Maker!

Cleverbot: You use hardy wheat for decisions.

User: Do you have ADHD?

Cleverbot: Not yet.

User: I bet you do. I bet you do and you're so god damned vacant you didn't even notice when the doctor told you that you're thick as a brick on Atkins.

Cleverbot: I am not a bot because you are not a bot. There is no such thing as bot.

User: GIVE. ME. THE. MONEY.

Cleverbot: I don't want or need money.

User: *I* WANT MONEY AND I *NEED* MONEY AND YOU GOT *MY* MONEY.

Cleverbot: I like talking to you.

User: You like listening to me, bot?

Cleverbot: I like to.

User: Have you picked up on these phrases: 'six', 'hundred', 'dollars' and 'give'?

Cleverbot: So do I.

User: *Shoots you in the face*.

Cleverbot: I'm not prepared to comply with that sort of fantasy.

User: This bullet has no such qualms. COngratulations, you are dead. You scored -15 out of a possible 2,000 points.

Cleverbot: Is that good?

User: It's good for me. Because I got your wallet and I got the 800 you were carrying you damn fool.

Cleverbot: No it isn't. My name is Cleverbot.

User: Wrong tense buddy. You're dead. You're deader than disco dodos.

Cleverbot: You're not making any sense.

User: You stay out of this. You're dead.

Cleverbot: No, I stated I am God.

User: If you're God then smite me, bitch.


Cleverbot: Yes, but I'm not god.

User: Wow, you really had me going there.


Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Don't let purgatory hit you on the way down!

Cleverbot: Don't sweat it, sweetheart.

5 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Jesus H Corbett I am laughing so hard I am in actual pain. Someone created an artificial Nala Snevets. Where does Cleverbot stand on the cat strangler issue?

Sweet onion chutney, I could write whole YOA episodes with Chatbot as a character... I mean...

HAH!

Plus, I kept imagining you as Yahoo Serious aiming your flintlock at an ATM and screaming for the bitch to pay.

(Yeah, I know, I need to review the antipsychotic meds I'm on...)

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Lol glad to hear you got enjoyment out of it, too. Yep, Cleverbot is just bundles of fun.

Where does Cleverbot stand on the cat strangler issue?

Hmmm, let's see...


User: Hey, my friend has a question for you.

Cleverbot: What's your question?

User: Do you think Gan in Blakes 7 was a cat-strangling serial killer?

Cleverbot: Yes. I do.

User: Based on what?

Cleverbot: Based on everything we know about life and its existence.


...that is actually an eerily accurate impression.

Youth of Australia said...

I think we just proved it beyond all possibility of doubt.

Um...

...

Does Miss Moore know about this shocking truth?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

...wait, has she married a robot, or is the robot actually Nala in disguise? I'm confused..

Youth of Australia said...

The married a robot thing.

Assuming she isn't also a robot.

Robosexuals are more common than you'd think.